Wednesday

By the time Tuesday night rolled around, Mykel's depression of the following day's anniversary had set firmly.

Unlike he had the previous week, or even the previous night, when he came home he was devoid of any smile, any jovial moods, and to say he was laconic that night was to say he was talking too much.

We heard him open the front door, Liz and I, engaged as we were in our nightly cooking lesson. We each gave pause, her mid-instruction, myself in mid-application, and we shared a glance at one another.

We had earlier discussed our theories on how tonight was going to turn out. Liz had more of a hypothesis than I, being as how she'd been there each of the five years previous.

He came into the kitchen, as customary, and grabbed a drink before turning to Liz.

"I'm not really hungry. I'm gonna go lie down for a bit."

His eyes were downcast, looking through the bottle of Simply apple juice he held in his hand, then he turned and stalked from the room. He never once made eye contact with me.

I sighed lightly, exhaling through my nostrils before turning back to Liz.

"Well...that was more than I thought he'd say." She looked sadly in the direction he had gone. Upstairs I could faintly hear the sound of the door click into its closed position.

Liz and I ate our dinner in heavy silence, each listening with our ears bent around the corner for sounds coming from Mykel's room. We heard nothing. And somehow that scared me more than if he had have been throwing things and shattering his belongings.

It was more than an hour later that I finally gained up the courage to heat him a plate of dinner and bring it to him.

I knocked twice, soft and unobtrusive. Loud enough that if he was awake he would hear, and low enough not to disturb him if he had fallen asleep.

He opened the door slowly, his eyes reddened and swollen. He still had not looked at me, his eyes focused on the floor under our feet.

"I brought you some dinner," I whispered to him, lifting the plate that I had slightly. I smiled in an awkward discomfort, not knowing what to do.

I had convinced Liz to allow me to take the food to him. She was dubious to say the least, having been screamed at, cursed at, ignored completely. Had his anger fully thrown at her in full flames of glory. But I honestly had no concern over him hurting me physically, and any emotional damage I might incur, well, I would take my chances and sort it out later.

"I'm not hungry." He walked away leaving the door open in invitation. I followed shutting the door quietly behind me. I set the tinfoil-wrapped plate alongside the apple juice. It had been left untouched, condensation dripping down the plastic bottle.

He sat on the edge of his bed, his elbows resting against his knees. I sat on the floor at his feet, my crossed legs drawn up and resting against his shins. I placed my hand gently over his. Under mine his hands were clasped so tightly that I could see the white in his knuckles between my fingers.

I could feel the slight, but constant ripples vibrating through his body where my legs touched his. I looked into his face and could see the repressed pain that seeped through the cracks of the mask he had cloaked himself with.

I ran my hands slowly up his forearms before going back down again, repeating this a few times. His skin was cold. Too cold for the temperature of the room.

"Is...is it really my fault, Mattie? Did I kill him?" His voice was hoarse, raw emotions failing to be hidden. Liz had told me that he had never shown any emotion about Kaiden's death but to her.

Even as children they had been exceptionally close, confiding in each other even their deepest fears.

The question took me off guard but I considered the answer.

"Do I think it's your fault? No. But what really matters, Mykel is why you think it's your fault."

He looked at me then, his eyes red and brimming, but tears unshed. He looked then to his right, staring hard at the top drawer in his nightstand.

Slowly I opened the drawer, revealing a folded piece of paper. A feeling of foreboding engulfed me as I picked it up and unfolded it. But the wear and tear of the edges informed me that it had been unfolded and refolded many times over the years.

The slight wet splotches that dotted the page informed he had read it recently. I read silently, the words pouring over me, searing my flesh as if gripping hot coals, and I could see. I understood his perception of blame, but it is not what I gathered from Kaiden's final words.

How can I explain to you the madness that plagues my mind? I hoped that you would see how much I needed you tonight. I couldn't ask. I couldn't reach out.

As the door shut behind you I knew that I was holding you back. Like I've always held you back. Since we were kids.

I don't blame you for leaving tonight, despite what you'll think once you come home.

I just can't do this. I can't feel alone anymore. I can't handle the feeling of my father's fists anymore. I'll never be anything but a punching bag to him. He was right. I'm nothing. I've always been nothing. And I can't stop the creeping darkness anymore. I know you've been worried, I've seen it in your eyes when you look at me when you don't think I'm paying attention.

I can't keep crying myself to sleep at night wishing you'd wake up and hold me. Wishing I could wake you up to make the request.

I'm sorry, Mykee. I'm sorry I couldn't be more for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger for you. My only hope now is that you'll eventually move on. That you'll find someone who deserves you. Who can love you in ways I could only dream of.

I do love you, Mykel. My whole life I've loved you. You and Liz are the only people in my life that ever really cared. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I love her and that she's the best sister I could have ever hoped for.

I love you. Please don't forget me. When you find love and are finally happy...think of me sometimes.

You're the only light I ever had in my life. The only real love I ever knew. My only regret is that you'll never really understand my motives. I'm sorry, Mykee. I love you. More than you'll ever know.

Please don't hate me.

I folded the sheet of paper gently as if it were a great treasure, fragile and bound to shatter if handled too carelessly and placed it back in the drawer before slowly pushing it closed.

Liz had told me there hadn't been a note. Looking at him then I knew that I was the first person to read Kaiden's final goodbye. For six years he had kept this a secret and he could bear it alone no longer.

He took a shaky breath and ran his hands over his face, hiding in a faux pas moment of solitary to gather himself.

"I shouldn't have left that night. I should have seen how close he was to the edge. I was so wrapped up in the surface matter at hand I couldn't see how much he needed me.

"And what did I do? I walked out. I walked away. I left. And he fucking died. If I hadn't had left...if...I used to think that I knew him better than anyone.

"That I could see his feelings even through the thickest mask..." He paused in his ramblings and wiped his eyes. "I failed him. I failed him in the most unforgivable way."

I nodded silently as he spoke, watching as he tried and failed to keep control of himself, playing with my fingers before linking together our hands once again. He did not want me to see him in such a state of vulnerability. But I could tell by his grip that he also did not want me to leave.

"Most people who commit suicide don't actually want to die. They just want the pain to end.

"He was in a lot of pain. That wasn't your fault. And sometimes no matter how much we love someone, the pain in our own heart, the scars that haunt us when we close our eyes...we can't escape the darkness. And sometimes it's too thick to fight through any longer."

He nodded and squeezed my hands, closing his eyes against my words, against the familiar tone of my voice. That knowing tone of experience.

"Did you...I mean...have you ever..."

"Yes. Well...almost. I was eight. My parents had left me in a pool of water on the bathroom floor. I had had enough. My sister found me as I was putting the blade I pulled from our mother's razor to my arm. I hadn't made that deep of a cut yet when she stopped me. I never tried it after that. She...ran away not too much longer after that. I haven't seen her since."

I kept my tone devoid of emotion even as I felt the pain pierce my heart at the mentioning of my past. Tonight was not about me or my pain, but about reducing his.

"I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad she stopped you." He ran his thumb lightly over my knuckles as he spoke.

"Me, too," I said with every bit of sincerity I could muster.

"I've never shown anyone that...letter. I never told Liz about it. I...it's my own cross to bear."

"It's not your fault, Mykel. And from what I gathered, he didn't blame you, either. He blamed himself. I understand his mindset...growing up abused it's all your fault whether it's your fault or not. He just snapped."

"But...if I hadn't had left..." He started before hanging his head.

The look in his eyes as he looked at me at that moment was an absolute raw pain. Raw pain and buried guilt and those honey-wheat eyes were dark as molasses. The tears that now seemed to be slowly trekking down his face reminded me of sap being pulled from the trees to make syrup. They fell slowly, almost as if they were attempting to defy gravity, and while the battle was a fierce one, gravity still won the war.

"Can I ask you something?" He nodded and sighed and wiped his eyes.

"You walk a lot, right? When you get upset, I mean."

"Yeah." He shrugged as he scraped his hands up and down his face. "Since I was a kid. I have anger issues and my dad's friend told me to walk or run when I get angry. It's how I control it. Be it anger and depression or, or, or..." He twisted his wrist around and around gesticulating as he spoke.

"And Kaiden knew this?" Liz had already told me he walks when in a heightened state of emotion and that Kaiden not only had known but had accompanied him on said walks, but my knowledge wasn't the point.

He nodded. "Yeah. He knew. He'd gone with me countless times. But I shouldn't have left anyway. I should have just dealt with it. I should have..." He paused and took a breath. "We'd gotten into an argument several months before all this happened. He wanted me to stop walking out during the arguments. That if I needed to calm down, we could pause in what we were saying and calm down together. Smoke or something. And then try and calmly sort it all out.

"We had agreed and I had been doing okay with it. Sometimes when I really needed to walk he would come with me and we'd talk it out on the walk. I knew that he was upset about his dad...he hated his father, but he still needed his approval. He was going to end it. When he said that I..." He laughed without humor, a dry, sad, and regretful laugh that tore at every shred of humanity in my person.

"I felt my world begin to collapse, and I swear the walls started closing in. I had to get out of there. I couldn't listen to him tell me he was leaving me after eight years because of that son-of-a-bitch. I couldn't listen to him tell me he loved me but couldn't be with me anymore because of someone he hated. I couldn't, I couldn't do it."

At this moment I moved to the bed, catching him as he curled in on himself and pulling him toward me. He wrapped his arms around me as he finally broke.

I had a feeling he had never told Liz Kaiden was going to leave him. I had a feeling he had kept that to himself all this time and he could no longer. I said nothing as I held him. Words were not needed at this moment, only the physical comfort of my arms around him.

It was sometime before he sat up again, not breaking the bubble we had created even after the tears had ceased.

He smiled shyly, a look I had yet to see on his face. Almost apologetic. A bit embarrassed at the display of emotion. He does not handle emotions, or the displaying of them in front of people, very well.

"Mattie..."

His voice was distant, far away in a past that still haunted him. I looked over, his eyes downcast and staring at the floor.

"Hm?" I could feel his body heat warming my skin. The smallest of brushes of our shoulders made me want to melt.

"Promise me that you won't ever do that."

I smiled halfway and kissed the top of his shoulder. "That isn't something you ever have to worry about from me, Mykel."

He nodded. "I miss him."

"I know." I kissed his temple on impulse and he smiled. A small upturn of the lips, but I was glad of it.

"Have you eaten at all today?" He sighed and shook his head looking at the plate with disdain.

"No."

"You should really try eating something. Please." I watched him as he sighed again and reached for the plate.

Wednesday morning found me alone as I cracked my eyes open to the day. Mykel had fallen asleep after eating, with his arms wrapped around me, his head on my chest.

He had asked me not to leave, sleepily tightening his grip around me. I combed my fingers through his hair and watched him relax as he fell asleep.

I laid with him like that for hours. Running my fingers through his hair, chasing away nightmares as they appeared on his face.

In the quiet times between bad dreams, I took the time to look at him unguarded. His long lashes brushed against his cheeks as his eyes danced back and forth in REM sleep.

His hair was silky and his skin soft under my fingertips as I traced invisible patterns along his arm. He frowned and mumbled in his sleep.

I closed my eyes as he tightened his grip around me. His hold did not hurt. Not physically, anyway. I kissed the top of his head and breathed him in. Before I realized it my cheeks were wet, and I sighed.

My heart clenched as a voice began to whisper. That voice. Her voice. It cripples me to this day. Appearing out of nowhere and reducing me to a pile of quivering tears.

You're just a convenient replacement. A little whore to warm his dick in until someone better comes along. You'll never be better than what we taught you to be. You'll never be good enough for him.

I wrapped my arms around his upper arm that encircled me and pressed my face against his shoulder. I could do nothing but cling to his sleeping form as that voice plagued my thoughts. At some point, I fell into a restless sleep.

I felt over to where Mykel had been sleeping, dismayed almost, to find the sheets cold. I made my way downstairs. The house was dark and quiet and I wondered if anyone else was home.

I peeked out of the window in the living room. Mykel's car was gone. Liz's Trans Am, a canary yellow beauty, was still in its customary spot. I frowned and listened. Silence. Maybe she went with him.

There was a pot of fresh coffee, hot and waiting in the kitchen, and I happily poured myself an exceptionally large cup. I added a bit of sugar to bolden up the taste and stepped out onto the back porch.

I made my way to the porch swing, a favored place of mine here, where I found Liz. I studied her face as I sat down. I knew she'd been crying by the evidence of reddened eyes and puffy cheeks. She sniffled.

"Hi," I said with a soft, unsure smile.

"Hey." Her voice was thick with tears unshed.

"Where's Mykel? I thought you'd left together." I asked, sipping my cup.

She shrugged and laughed bitterly. "Fuck if I know. He always disappears today. I don't know where he goes. Or what he does."

I nodded having no idea what to say. I hid my awkwardness behind my cup of coffee.

"What happened last night?" She hadn't looked at me yet.

I frowned. "What?"

"When you brought him dinner. What happened?" Her voice was impatient and I found myself keeping back any panic. Reminding myself today is a hard day.

She continued. "Before he left this morning he seemed...more upset than usual. He was more tense, more...mean."

"Mean?" I frowned, slightly confused.

"Yeah. He just snapped out on me for no fucking reason. He was all hyped up and barreling through the house and here I am, trying to be sensitive and what the fuck ever cause this is a shitfuckingtastic day, and he wants to be all 'well why does it matter? What the fuck business is it of yours where I'm going? Why you gotta be up my ass about shit. I'm just fucking leaving.'

"And wants to storm out. All cause I said, 'good morning, where you headed off to so early?' Well, good fucking morning to you too, sorry I fucking inquired."

I listened to her rant, her anger and hurt showing through in her words and posture. She wiped her cheeks and took a sip of her cup, making a face of disgust at the cold temperature of her once-hot coffee.

I offered her my cup with a small smile, which she accepted in return, her own small smile gracing her beautiful features.

"Sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to freak out on you."

"Don't worry about it. How many times over the years have I freaked out on you? So many times that you know what it looks like before it happens...I think the occasional freak-out on your part is acceptable."

She smiled gratefully at me but was still expectant of my answer.

I felt suddenly trapped between Mykel and Liz. Mykel had confided in me secrets he had never before spoken aloud. He had made it a point to say that he had never told his sister about the letter, or the fact that Kaiden was going to leave.

Liz, on the other hand, was the only family I had for years before mine and Mykel's introduction just only six weeks ago.

Her obvious fear and worry for her little brother made guilt flare through my chest at keeping silent.

"We just talked," I answered her, eyes sightlessly staring into my cup.

"About Kaiden?"

"Yes," I answered, meeting her gaze. "We talked about Kaiden."

"What did he say?" She wasn't looking at me, but at the horizon.

"Liz..." I started. I was going to deny her. Trust was something...it is something...that I hold to the highest regard. I had never been trusted as I had the night before and I was loathed to break that confidence.

"Mattie, this is my brother. He hasn't acted like that in a long time. In the beginning, he was so angry all the time. I know he's keeping things from me. I'm not stupid, I always knew there was something. I just never knew what." She wiped her face and asked silently for another drink. I complied willingly, handing the cup over to her.

"Please, Mattie." I could hear the desperation in her voice.

"Liz, I love you, but, if he wanted you to know, he would have told you. I can't break that confidence, I'm sorry." And I was. I wanted nothing more than to tell her. But I couldn't. I wouldn't.

She nodded not at all pleased with my answer and stood up with a mumbled 'I understand', before walking back inside the house.

I closed my eyes and took a breath in every attempt to hold my resolve, before I, too, stood and followed her inside.

She was standing at the counter, her forgotten cup set in the sink. Her head was in her hands, her elbows braced on the kitchen counter. Her shoulders shook as silent sobs escaped her. I approached slowly, gently setting my arm around her, drawing her to me.

She did not resist but wrapped her arms around me, her hold gripping and fierce.

As I held her in a strong attempt to calm and soothe her as she had done for me so many times in the past, the front door opened.

When Mykel entered the kitchen his eyes were red as Liz's, glassy with previously fallen tears. Liz pulled away from me. She looked at him, tears still falling down her face.

"Liz?" He asked softly in inquiry, his mind searching possibilities of why that look was on her face. Then his eyes and face hardened before he turned that icky look to me.

"What did you tell her?" He did not yell, but his voice held pent-up fury that sent me back to feeling like that scared boy locked in the closet. I stepped behind Liz, cowering from that look, knowing that at any moment he was going to strike.

"I-I-I-I did-did-di-didn't say an-an-anyth-anything." I cowered further behind Liz, my fear taking root.

"You told her, didn't you? You told her about the note, didn't you?" This time Mykel did yell. I jumped backward at the blade of his tone as it sliced through my soul.

Liz jumped in then, pushing me a bit further behind her as she stepped forward. "Don't you fucking yell at him, he didn't tell me..." She paused then as his words hit her. All the anger left her, deflated her, and her face fell.

"N-note? There was a note, Mykel? Why the fuck didn't you tell me he left a goddamn note?"

Mykel's eyes lost the icy chill as he looked at his sister's heartbroken face. His eyes rapidly passed between us both, his face awash with pain and panic. He'd given away his secret. One of them, anyway.

I said nothing as I watched the family tragedy unfurl, but tried to shrink forgotten into the background.

"What did he say? In the note, what did he say?"

Mykel shook his head. "I delivered his last message to you back then. The rest is private."

"Mykel, damn it," she began.

"No, fuck you, Liz. I told you what he wanted you to know. The rest you don't understand."

His voice was raised an octave higher than his usual tone, but he was not quite yelling at her. Her voice equaled his in her answer.

"I'd understand if you fucking told me! How can you expect me--"

"I don't expect you to do anything, Liz. Please just drop it."

"Oh, yeah, sure, I'll just forget all about it. I'll forget all about him, how about that? I fucking forgot that you're the only one that loved that boy. Excuse the fuck out of me for wanting a bit of closure."

At this, she stormed past him and to her room. She didn't look back.

I didn't move from where I had shoved myself between the counter and fridge. I tried to become as invisible as possible, to be an unnoticed fly on the wall. The logical side of me knew he would never strike me, never raise his hand.

But the other part of me braced myself to be on the receiving end of those large fists. And the prospect terrified me.

I took a small, tentative step forward causing Mykel to look at me. I stopped in my tracks not wanting to further upset him.

"Mykel, I really didn't tell her."

He waved his hand in dismissal and shook his head. His movement cut me off, pausing my words, and he wrapped his arms around himself.

"I shouldn't have even come home." I don't know if he was talking to me or himself, but he did not wait for a reply. He simply turned and left once again.

I sighed as I stood there in the silence, poured myself another cup of coffee before going back outside and taking a seat back on the porch swing.

I sat there for hours, swinging gently, listening to the wind blow through the trees. Liz chose to stay in her room. I chose to give her the privacy she needed, knowing she would come out when she was ready.

Surprisingly enough when someone sat down next to me, it wasn't Liz who sat down beside me.

I said nothing, waiting for him to break the silence. I did not know what to say, but I could not hide the nervousness I felt at him being so close after his earlier display.

He reached out, lightly placing his hand over mine, which had been wringing around each other. A nervous habit I have yet to break. I jumped, ever so slightly, my nerves heightened near overdrive.

"Mattie, I won't ever hurt you." His voice was soft, gentle; so much like I had grown accustomed to since meeting him.

I nodded, my throat closing. I linked my fingers with his acknowledging that I knew what he said to be true.

"I'm sorry, Mattie. I didn't mean to yell at you. I shouldn't have treated you like that."

I said nothing. I physically could not form words, and I briefly had the sensation that I was choking. He had taken my silence as a denial of his apology and went to stand, but my grip around his fingers anchored and he paused in his movements.

He studied me a moment before sitting back once more, his hand never leaving the confines of mine.

"I guess I made a real ass of myself today, didn't I?" he said breaking the quiet that had developed.

"A bit."

He laughed, sharing that smile that makes me melt. "Thanks for the candor."

I smiled back at him before our faces once again grew serious. "Thank you, Mattie, for not telling Liz anything."

"I would never betray a confidence, Mykel." In truth, the accusation hurt, but I shrugged it off knowing that the words were not meant, and the anger was not actually directed at me.

"I know. I really am sorry." I nodded and squeezed his hand.

"Has Liz come out of her room?"

I shook my head. "No. I thought it best not to disturb her."

"Probably a good idea." He sighed. "I need to make things right with her. I'm such an asshole." The last sentence was spoken on a long, drawn-out sigh.

"You're not an asshole," I countered as I looked at him. "You're just hurting. But so is she."

He nodded. "Yeah. Fuck...alright...when I'm done talking to her...can I, uh...can I come knock on your door?"

I smiled at him. "My door is always open."

"I really am sorry, mon bonheur. Forgive me? Please."

I smiled at him, kissing the back of his hand still linked with mine. "There's nothing to forgive, Mykel. It isn't an easy day."

He nodded and looked toward the house, a small sigh escaping him in the knowledge that what he was about to do, talking to his sister, would not be as easily done as talking with me.

"Go to her. She needs you." He nodded and smiled a slightly nervous smile.

He looked in my eyes for a moment before gently pressing his lips to mine. The kiss was not one of extreme romance, sparks did not erupt overhead, but my heart lightened some nonetheless. It was a kiss between friends. Comrades, with a hint of something more.

"Thank you, Mattie."

I watched him turn and walk inside, his head hung low and his demeanor resigned. I did not envy what he had to do and instead sent with him my sympathy.

I knew then as I watched him disappear into the house that I had to admit that I was beginning to fall in love with him. I had no idea the concept of being in love. Nothing but fairy tales to compare to. The fantasies conjured up from the depths of the imagination of the forgotten boy.

But what else could this feeling be but love? I was both exhilarated and terrified to find out what would happen next, but I knew that I was in for it for the long haul. I only hoped Mykel was, too.