Exposure

Liz did not say anything for a long time. She rolled six blunts, one after another before she finally lit one. She hit it several times before exhaling in a sigh. She stared in the direction Mykel had run.

"Can I ask what happened?"

She listened with alacrity as I explained what happened, leaving out the details of what I had told him.

"...then he ran out of the room."

She nodded. "Kaiden was Mykel's best friend. They grew up together. He was always a shy kid, but very sweet. He was a lot like you. When they were fourteen they began dating. I knew and so did our parents, but that was it."

I smiled sadly at the thought of young Mykel, happy and carefree with his first love. I frowned as I waited for what was to come, as I knew the story did not have a happy ending.

"We found out later," she went on as she watched for her brother to come back, "that his father gave way to sudden bouts of extreme rage. He wasn't a drunk or anything like that, he just...was an angry man.

"Since he was little Kaiden always followed me around. Wanted my attention. He was such a sweet baby, I gave it to him. He became like another little brother to guide." Her voice became shaky here as she got to the hard part of the story.

"When they were twenty-two, Kaiden decided it was time to tell his father the truth. Well, he went into a rage and attacked him. Mykel was there and pulled him off, but...the damage was done. He disowned him and that was that."

She took a long drag off the blunt, tilting her head back as she breathed in. She looked at me, her eyes sorrowful.

"About...three weeks later is when they got into an argument. When he gets overwhelmed Mykel walks. He always has, that's what he does. Kaiden had even accompanied him several times throughout their childhood to calm him down." She shook her head sadly and wiped her eyes.

"Kaiden didn't...I don't know...stop to consider that trait, I guess...but...no one will ever know for sure...he killed himself while Mykel was gone. He hanged himself in their living room."

My heart broke for Mykel. My soul ached for Kaiden.

"There was no note. No...anything. Mykel found him when he came home. He's the one that cut him down.

"I made him come live with me then. Our parents didn't know what to do. When he tried to OD on an opiate I brought him here. Mykel...hasn't ever really gotten over what happened. He blames himself.

"The first day he met you was the first day in years where his smile wasn't attached to tears behind it."

I shook my head wanting to dispel her words.

You know you're not good enough for him. He needs a real man. Not some sniveling, little whore.

Each word was a stab to my core. I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I jumped and avoided her gaze as shame filled me.

"Oh, Mattie. I wouldn't ever hurt you, baby." She drew me close to her and flexed her fingers through my hair.

"Liz?"

"Hm?"

"I..." I wrapped my arm around her waist and gripped onto her coat, my face buried in her side.

"When I ran away from home I...was...I was...a..." I swallowed sharply. It was so much harder with her. The fear of her sending me away was crippling.

"I sold myself. I s-sold my body to m-men." I curled up further into her, clinging desperately. My cries increased when I felt her hold me closer, tighter.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to. I didn't..."

She began rocking us, her arms wrapped around me. She kissed the top of my head and continued playing with my hair.

"Sh, baby, it's okay now. It's okay, Mattie, I've got you. You're not there anymore, baby. You don't ever have to go back. I love you, Mattie, baby, okay? What happened back then won't change that." She continued whispering in my hair until I eventually calmed down and sat up. "Okay now?" I nodded, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her.

"I'm sorry."

To say that I am or was simply embarrassed by my past is an understatement. That not quite three-year period of my life is not something I look back on with happy reverence. Honestly, I try not to look back at all; though I must add that Mykel, nor Liz for that matter, don't let me run from it.

"What are you sorry for?" she asked gently. Her arm dropped around my shoulders squeezing me. I shrugged.

"I..." I shrugged again.

"Mattie, listen," she began, "we've all done things we're not proud of. And, my love, there are people out there who will judge you and heckle you if they knew. Sad as it is. You don't have to worry about that here. You're home here. You can be at home here. Your secrets are safe with us, love."

I sat there for a long moment before I finally nodded and looked up. She smiled and wiped my cheeks with her knuckle before looking out into the expanse of the yard.

"I expected him to have come back by now," she said lowly, almost as if to herself.

"I didn't mean to upset him," I said feeling terribly guilty.

"He needs closure. He avoids the subject and the wound can't begin to heal. It just festers. Maybe you can help him. He won't let me near that area."

I nodded as I wondered what I could possibly do to help. She grabbed the remaining four blunts and stood.

"We should go find him." She turned and walked down a step but then turned back to me. "The anniversary of Kaiden's death is next Wednesday. This isn't ever a good time for him. Do me a favor, yeah?"

I nodded. "Anything."

"Be...easy with him. He's a lot more fragile than he lets on."

When we finally found him it was almost fifteen minutes later. He was sitting against a tree, his view hidden from the house. We each sat on either side of him.

The crickets performed a beautiful nightly symphony just for us. None of us spoke, enraptured by the beauty of the night. In our silence I gazed out into the distance, the moonlight silhouetting the mountains.

When Liz lit the second of the four blunts Mykel looked at me for the first time. "I'm sorry I ran out on you. I shouldn't have."

I accepted the blunt from him with a small smile. "No worries, okay?"

"We used to sit out here for hours..." I thought he would say more but he kept quiet. After a while, he looked to his sister, the pain in his voice no doubt reflecting in his eyes.

"I miss him, Liz."

She nodded, smiling sadly. "I know. I miss him, too, honey. He was a great guy."

"It never gets easier. Everyone says it gets easier. Every year it feels..." He paused, covering his eyes with his hand. "Fuck, Liz, I'm still walking into that room and finding him there. Every day it's constantly ripping my fucking heart out and I just..." He paused, his hand dropping.

"How long am I going to be punished for failing him? I'm sorry. I didn't know he was going to do that. I don't even know where he got the fucking rope...I didn't think the argument was that bad." He scoffed. "I go over this shit every year. Every month, every week, every day and it's driving me insane, Liz. Every time I see a reminder of him. Somewhere we went. Sitting here..."

He rambled and I thought perhaps he had forgotten that I was there. He still passed me the blunts, but as he spoke he didn't look at me. Maybe he couldn't look at me. I also knew there was more to his guilt this year than the previous.

Me.

His feelings for me were growing deeper and for the first time since Kaiden's death, he had an interest in more than a one-night stand. I gave way to the thought that that's possibly why he didn't look at me.

I was a reminder that he was alive, that his first love wasn't, and he was beginning to move on.

Subconsciously, as he began the process of life and living, and as he started falling in love, he was hanging on tooth and nail to the promise of a devotion that had died six years before.

Once everything was smoked, we collectively stood and made our way back to the house. The temperature was dropping and while Liz and I had had the presence of mind to put on a jacket, Mykel had not. We entered the house, quiet and morose, shrouded in grief, and the darkness of the past.

As for my part, I was still half reeling in the fact that neither of them had really said more than I did what I had to to survive. I was not naive enough to think everyone would have this same reaction, I knew I had lucked out in finding Liz, and subsequently Mykel.

I had kept quiet, listening to Mykel prattle on about his dead lover while we were outside, and I analyzed my own feelings for him as he spoke.

I was not jealous of his love or heartbreak with Kaiden Jones. There was no need. Though I did feel a certain degree of kinship with him. I didn't know what exactly drove him to suicide, but for some reason, I felt that he and I were connected somehow.

I did not mind in the least that the attention had been diverted to Mykel and away from me.

I found that now that the secret was out that it was rather anticlimactic, even with my bawling in Liz's arms. But the conch had been passed and it was no longer my turn in the spotlight.

Liz had asked me to look out for him. She knew there was something between Mykel and myself, even if none of us knew exactly what that something was.

Mykel hugged her and it amazed me how such a large man could look so small. At that moment I understood what Liz had meant. I was also perceptive enough to know that Liz's asking me to move in with her had more to do than with her wanting to look out for me.

They were right. We were all running from something. Three little birds with broken wings still trying to fly.

"It's late. Or early, depending on your views. You have work tomorrow." Mykel stepped back, his head still down.

"I love you, Monkey." They both smiled at the nickname.

"I love you, too, Lizard." She chuckled, punching him softly and playfully on the shoulder.

"I'm not a lizard." She smiled at him and I knew that this was a game long rehearsed. She kissed my forehead and bid us both goodnight before heading to bed. She had to be at the cafe in four hours.

Mykel was leaning against the counter when next I looked at him. He had his back to me, his arms spread along the counter holding his weight, his head hanging, eyes screwed shut against the world.

I placed my hand along between his shoulder blades, bringing my left hand along the defined muscle of his bicep. He jumped slightly at the contact, startled from his past, his guilt, his memories of a long-dead lover. He did not open his eyes as he leaned into me, accepting the offer of comfort, but not heavily enough to unbalance me.

I kissed his shoulder lightly and tugged on his arm. "Come on, Mykel. We should get some sleep, too."

He scoffed derisively but nodded, his eyes finally sliding open. His eyes were soft as they bore into mine, but within those honey-wheat eyes held more pain than I had seen in a long time. Fresh and refreshed, a memory and memories from years before, but felt as if it were all happening for the first time.

I linked our fingers together and gently pulled him up the stairs and into his room.

"Come on." I helped him get undressed, directing him in his movements. Movements that were of second nature at this point.

I crawled beside him and saw thanks in his eyes that I wasn't going to leave him.

"It's my fault," he whispered. We had been lying quietly so long, I had thought he had fallen asleep. His arm was wrapped around my midsection, his hand closed into a fist against my side, enclosing a handful of material from my shirt.

Slowly I traced my fingertips along his arm, over the top of his hand, and back again. He had spoken so quietly I almost missed it. I looked to him then prepared to expostulate against his comment, but his breathing evened out and I could tell he was asleep.

The next several days passed in a blur. Mykel was busy getting his shop in the beginning stages of remodeling. Knocking down walls "here and there" as he put it. He kept the place a secret until it was how he wanted it. I was dying to see it, but he would just smile and say I would have to be patient. You'd think with as long as I sat curled in a closet I would have all the patience to a saint...this, however, is not the case.

As the season got colder, the cafe grew more crowded as the vacationers of the ski resorts began to take advantage of the mountain. This meant I was helping Liz from morning to close with the other employees trickling in and out for their shifts as the day went on. The good thing about the skiing season is that these rich resortists tip well.

That Sunday as Liz and I closed shop as the last customers walked out the door, I stood beside her as she locked the door, hovering slightly in anxiety-ridden nervousness, staring at my shoes.

"Mattie, you okay, sweetie?" She tousled my hair slightly. Since I had stayed with her that first night the bond between us had deepened immensely. Since I broke down while telling her my deepest shame, she'd become even more protective, the bond between us, while still growing, solidified.

I nodded. "I was hoping maybe I can ask you a favor?"

I felt a soft finger under my chin lifting my head up. She had been trying, with little success at this point, to teach me to use eye contact. I felt my heart constrict at such a simple move. Such a motherly move that never once had I ever experienced as a child.

I brought my eyes up to hers; she smiled. "You can ask me for anything, but you have to ask me, not your feet."

She spoke in the gentlest of ways, but I felt chastised nonetheless. I nodded again, swallowing. Instinct told me to look away, and I did, before gathering my courage and meeting her eyes again. She waited mollifyingly as I prepared to make my request.

"I was wondering if you could maybe, um, t-take me to the m-m-mall? I, uh, I want to get something for Mykel. I want to maybe cheer him up."

Through the whole stuttering mess of my supplication, I disconnected and reestablished eye contact several times. She said nothing about this. She told me it was progress. At the time she said this she pointed out that in the last few weeks I had made eye contact with her more times than in the three years she had known me.

I could not argue with this logic. Nor did I try to, as I saw the truth in this.

Liz smiled, settling her palm smoothly against my face and kissed my forehead. "I wouldn't mind in the least, sweet cheeks. What did you have in mind?"

I stopped, a chair mid-way up to be placed on the table. I lowered my arms and shrugged. "I honestly don't know. I was hoping maybe you could help me think of something?"

She turned to me then, her arms crossing over her chest. Her assiduity of me made the anxiety I had been fighting due to the crowds in addition to my already normal anxiety, and the anxiety I felt for wanting to buy something for Mykel in the first place, mowed me down like a Mac truck.

I gripped the back of the chair, my eyes falling closed and my head drooping. I remember standing this way as a child, minus the chair or any protection, waiting for a fist or foot or inanimate objects to be hurled at my person.

The suffering solicitude I felt in that silence made my head scream as I felt her eyes boring into me.

"Mattie, let me ask you something." Her voice made me jump despite its docile tone. She paused as the chair clanged on the floor and frowned.

When she approached, she did so slowly before removing the chair from my grasp and tranquilly set it down beside her.

Irrationally I felt naked and unprotected, even as my logical side reminded me Liz is the farthest thing from a threat to me.

"Mattie." This time when I felt that soft finger at my chin I jumped, biting my lip before my eyes were dragged to hers.

"Breathe, Mattie. I won't hurt you, sweetness. Come on, sit down." She knelt down in front of me after maneuvering me into the chair I had previously been holding prisoner.

"I won't hurt you, Mattie." She had her hands on my knees, balancing herself while also grounding me.

I nodded and took several deeps breaths. "What did, um, what did you wanna ask me?" I asked her after I had sufficiently settled down.

She frowned considering. Considering if whatever she wanted to ask wouldn't make me hyperventilate in a panic attack before she could get all the way through the question.

She began picking up the chairs and placing them seat down on the tabletops, their legs sticking straight up into the air.

Her silence as she considered her question did nothing to alleviate my hypertension.

Finally, she looked at me, her eyes questioning and guarded. "What's going on between you and my brother?"

I didn't understand the look in her eyes. I shrugged. "Wh-what do you m-m-mean?"

In the private life of Mathew O'Neill the third, my childhood was spent with a terrible speech impediment. One that kept me mostly silent as my parents tormented me about it mercilessly. It wasn't until I ran away that I taught myself how to speak without stuttering.

Under high amounts of stress, however, it can not be helped. I felt like I was a little kid and I was in trouble again.

"N-n-n-noth-nothing. We-we-we've n-n-never done a-a-a-a-anything. N-not really."

"No, Mattie, honey, that isn't what I meant," she explained. "I mean...well, I mean, you wanna buy him something...the two of you have been pretty cuddly at home..."

I looked at her before looking away again. Suddenly I needed to move. Standing I put the chair atop the table and grabbed a rag to clean the counters.

"He's been really sad. I wanna make him not...sad..." I frowned at my superior articulation.

"Is that it?" she asked almost incredulous.

I shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say, Liz. Th-th-th-that I-I'm-I'm terrified...that I've never h-ha-ha-had anyone show the slightest interest in me where an exchange of money wasn't involved?" She flinched at those words, but said nothing. "I don't know what's going on, Liz. I'm trying not to put too much thought into it. I'm trying not to overwhelm myself with what if's about it.

"I don't know how he feels about me." I added this last part on a rush of whispered air, my heartstrings pulling at the possible rejection in that doubt.

I don't know why the reason for my outburst. I thought it a fair question and one that I had asked myself on more than one occasion.

The last part was spoken softly, lowly, and my gut constricted as I said it, the words tasting vile in my mouth.

"How do you feel?" She was standing next to me then, her hand resting along my shoulder.

"I'm...terrified. Absolutely fucking terrified, Liz."

"Of what?" she prodded, turning me to face her.

"I..." I looked away, completely unable to look her in the eyes as I said this next part.

"I've never been in love before, Liz. But, I..." I sighed. "I don't want to be a replacement for what he lost with Kaiden. I don't want him to kiss me and think of him or...anything else. I don't even know how he feels about me at this point, so I've...just...been taking it moment by moment." I looked at her then, my eyes pleading for understanding. "Please don't tell him, Liz."

She smiled lightly and kissed my temple. "I won't, Mattie."

When we pulled into the parking lot of the Cooke County Mall, I stared at the entrance in an anxious haze.

"You okay there? Did your sails lose their wind?" She chuckled to herself at the joke.

"I just...I don't have any idea what I could even possibly begin looking for as a gift. I'm looking for a needle in a haystack large as Texas."

She chuckled and patted my shoulder. "That's what I am for, goofy. Come on, let us go find him something."

We had been walking for hours and neither of us had found anything that screamed at me that it was for him. I was growing tired, I was beyond frustrated at my apparent lack of skill at gift shopping, frazzled by the numerous amounts of people that flooded the mall, and about ready to throw in the towel.

That's when I found it. Sitting in a large, plait glass display window, as if set out for me to happen upon. I had walked by this window several times throughout our journey through the mall, and I guarantee that it had not been there previous to that moment.

My breath caught in my chest as a smile slowly formed upon my face.

"Liz! Liz! I found it! I found it!" I started bouncing with excitement as Liz came to stand next to me at the window.

She smiled at the object. "Yes, I agree, that's it. That's perfect."

I raced into the store and made my purchase, my heart beating in both titillation and anticipation.

When we got home Mykel wasn't there yet, not yet done with overseeing the transformation of his shop into his own, private vision.

"You wanna help me make dinner? Mykel won't be home for a bit, it might distract you enough until he gets home."

I nodded following her into the kitchen. For the last several weeks Liz had been teaching me to cook. I had never learned and had survived off of delivery pizzas and whatever I could microwave.

"Liz?" I asked as I set the butter next to the raw chicken she had just placed in the skillet. I took a deep breath, fortifying my will, my heart pounding in a different kind of titillation and anticipation.

Noticing my sudden change in demeanor she looked to me. "Yeah? You okay?"

I nodded and smiled slightly. "Well...um, y-you kn-know how you told to me, um, to think about m-m-mo-moving, moving in?"

"Yeah. Hand me the garlic salt, please."

I did. "Well, I, uh, I've been think-thinking about it...a lot...lately."

I watched her sprinkle the garlic salt and a smattering of other seasonings before placing small globs of butter in with the chicken and turn on the burner.

"Yeah? Make a decision then?" She glanced at me and smiled before returning to the chicken.

I nodded, swallowing the nervousness. "I want to stay. My lease is up at the end of next month. I like it here. I feel...at home here. I've...never had that before."

Liz smiled and turned from the stove and hugged me, kissing my temple. "Good. You are home here."

I smiled as I felt a bold and bright blush creep into my cheeks. "Thank you, Liz. For everything, I mean."

She smiled again. "Anytime, sweetie. Mattie?" I looked at her then. "You really are home here. You're not alone anymore. And you've got a family now. Okay?"

I nodded unable to articulate just exactly what those words meant to me. I do not have to articulate it. Liz knew. She hugged me tightly and kissed my temple again.

"I love you, Mattie."

My heart constricted and my throat closed, but I managed to squeak out that I loved her too.

Just as the chicken finished cooking Mykel walked in the front door. He was all smiles and absolutely beautiful.

Even today, almost a decade later, when I see him, I drink in his beauty in awe, mesmerized that he could love someone like me so completely, so unwaveringly.

"Something smells good," he said upon entering the kitchen.

"Good, 'cause dinner is done. Eat up."

"Amazing. I'm gonna go change out of these clothes. I'll be right back."

He smiled at me in greeting, unsure, before stalking out of the room. I thought about following but decided against it, wanting instead for the moment to be private, uninterrupted by the calling of food.

After an enjoyable meal filled with laughter and easy-going banter, Mykel did the dishes and I excused myself to my room.

I left the door open invitingly, instincts telling me Mykel would soon be along, as he had made a habit of coming to my room after dinner.

I had the small, wrapped gift resting in my hands while I perched on the bed when he popped his head into the room.

He smiled that smile at me and my heart melted. I blushed and looked down at the gift as he approached.

"Hey, whatcha got?" he asked as he flopped on the bed beside me. He laid back stretching his back out before sitting back up again. He leaned into my space to look at the brightly colored gift-wrap paper.

"I, uh, I got you something." My voice was almost a whisper from being so nervous.

"Yeah?" He smiled again and I nodded.

"Well, I know you've been really upset lately, and...well, I wanted to make you feel better." I handed him the object gingerly and he took it just the same. He made a spectacle of shaking it about, though it was obvious from the shape that it wasn't something that rattled.

With great care, he tore open the taped sides, careful not to tear the paper. When the object was revealed he gasped, making me bring my gaze up to his face.

"Wow, I...I love it." He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back, the excitement in his eyes reflecting on my face.

"I remembered you mentioned in passing once about how much you loved her work. And when I saw it there in the window...I knew it was what I'd been looking for."

He opened the book of the Complete Works of Emily Dickinson, thumbing through the pages like he was holding a most valued treasure.

"I don't even remember mentioning liking her," he commented as he landed on a poem he had been searching for.

I shrugged. "It wasn't something we touched on too much."

He smiled and looked at the page before he read aloud softly. As he read his voice broke but his eyes stayed dry.

"To lose thee, sweeter than to gain

All other hearts I knew.

Tis true the drought is destitute

But, then, I had the dew!

The Caspian has its realms of sand,

Its other realm of sea.

Without this sterile perquisite

No Caspian could be."

He smiled again, though lighter, not reaching his eyes. "When I was a kid I had this book. I saw a program where they were doing a documentary about her and in it, they recited some of her poems. I fell in love with her work. It...touched me somehow.

"I would sit and read it over and over again. There was a tree that provided a lot of shade in the play yard. I'd sit and read it there while the other kids played sports.

"That's how I met Kaiden, actually. I was reading it and some older kids started picking on me for it. I was small for my age. I didn't hit a decent growth spurt until I was about sixteen. Anyway, they grabbed my book from me and started making fun of me and it as they shredded it. Kaiden came, being the martial artist that he was, even in third grade...he, uh, came to my rescue. He gathered all the pages that were strewn across the ground and took me to the nurse to get cleaned up.

"On my next birthday, he bought me a new one."

"Do you still have it?" I asked him softly. He shook his head.

"No. I buried it with him. I wanted him to have a...piece of me. He, uh...didn't like sleeping alone." He was silent for a moment before he looked at me; his eyes shining now but tears unshed. "Thank you, mon bonheur. You really have no idea what this means to me."

I smiled brightly. "When I saw it, I knew it was for you."

He closed the book with a soft hand and placed it on my nightstand before he looked at me again. The look in his eyes and upon his face was difficult to read before he slowly leaned forward as if waiting for me to stop him before he gently touched his lips to mine.