Thoughts X

Have you ever felt as if your heart was going to melt or just give out from all the pain?

No? Well...I have, it's always a burning sensation followed by a nauseating feeling that leaves you wanting to just give out.

It's not always that we feel like this, it happens on rare occasions, when someone or something just happens to shatter your insides completely, making you wish you would die there on the spot.

In most cases, its physical, normally bullets or in hypothetical situations like when someone thrusts their hand right through your chest.

Sheesh...

Well, to be honest, it's not all that bad when you look at from another perspective, it may come as a shock to you but sometimes getting ripped from the inside is inevitable, and at times it might just be what we need.

So....Who am I?

What am I doing?

This questions rang loud inside my drunken head as I staggered next to the edge.

The cold City breeze blew across the rooftop of the high building I was standing on.

It felt warm. Like a last embrace, a final goodbye to my pointless existence I called life.

I was fed up. Done with it all.

It was time.

Time for all the pain to stop. Time for it to end. Time for me to see if there was something for me out there in the next life.

Was it a paradise? Or insurmountable blazing flames of hell?

I couldn't care either way.

To me, I was already in hell itself and the next place I would end up in, might not even be that bad.

Tell me..... What if, heaven truly exists? And right here on earth is the very hell that we keep preaching to our children and to ourselves to not wind up in.

If that was the case then the irony of it all would be laughable.

Nonetheless, this place that we call home, this earth that we live in, is in and of itself the very hell that we so much so dred ending up in.

From society preaching water and drinking wine to individuals practicing injustice.

This world was by no means fair.

Speaking of fairness, why was everyone built different?

Why did we have people who were smart, people who were talented, people who had luck on their side whilst there were people like us. Just there, struggling, having to put in loads and loads of effort into something only to have the glory snatched by someone who happened to get it right on the first try.

Why? Why? Why was this world so unfair?

Sigh

At times I normally wonder, what if the joy in being in heaven is that not much people can enter such domains. Whilst the anguish suffered in hell has to do with them knowing that there are people in heaven enjoying themselves to eternity.

Silly right? No, I think am partly correct, cause this very hypothesis or whatever you may want to call it, is exercised in this very world we live in.

How so?

Take a billionaire for example, for him/her to enjoy their riches, it very much stems from the fact that not very many people can compete with them. Same goes for buying a car or a boat or even having a lover.

It all boils down to the fact that your possession is something that not very many people can readily obtain hence making you feel special in some way.

"Such rubbish!"

Either way, however messed up this world might be, I was going to be free from all of it.

I was going to ascend to the next plane or if I was unlucky I would descend.

"It's time." I said. Throwing the bottle of alcohol in my hand and taking stage upon the ledge.

This was it. My final memory. My final time on this world.

My death.

I gazed onto the vast city lights that illuminated the night with their contrasting colors and took it all in. For this was the last time I was going to behold such a sight.

"Nice."

Saying that, I closed my eyes and began leaning forward slowly heading to my impending doom.

I was in a very high building, one I had specifically picked for it to be my final resting place. Well that's a lie.

I picked it because me dying right in front of that building would bring a huge scandal, since, I was their employee after all, well... EX-Employee, in which for some unknown reason they had decided to fire me.

What a sick joke!

That's why I wanted to turn this place into an all-time scandal. Their business deals would plummet and I'd be able to get them back for treating me like a joke.

I took another deep breath as I leaned forward almost at the limit of my balance.

"Are you sure that's what you really want?" a girlish voice came from behind.

Startling me and making me pull myself backwards and then falling on the rooftop.

"Who are you and what do you want?" I scowled at the girl dressed in white standing by the edge.

No let me correct that, she was a woman.

"Who am I? Let's see, I am what you people call God."

God? Was this chick serious?

I stood up and went back on the ledge ignoring what she had said.

"You don't believe me, but that's a totally understandable human reaction."

"God or not. Just buzz off if you really are God as you say then I might meet you in the afterlife in a few anyways." I said looking at her.

She was expressionless, not a hint of fear as she stood by the edge with me.

After saying that, she chuckled then sat down on the edge.

"If you are going to jump then by all means jump, but let me tell you this.... You won't be dying today, sorry." She said then looked up at me.

She was serious.

I looked away from her and to the busy street. The distance was immense and to think I wouldn't die from a fall, at that height?

This had to be a joke.

But as I was contemplating whether she was telling the truth or not, my mind began filling with doubts and for the first time since I got on that rooftop, my resolve for dying was beginning to waver.

I wasn't sure anymore.

Should I just jump and risk it all?

If I die then well and good but what If I happen to survive? What then?

I might get badly injured and as a result I won't be able to try a second suicide attempt and to top that off I'm sure I would be on 24hr watch just to prevent me from trying anything fishy.

What now?

Unsure of whether to go through with it, I looked back at the woman who smiled as if she was reading my thoughts.

"Getting second thoughts? I'm pretty sure it will hurt like hell falling from this height. So.... Still. Wanna go through with it?"

Was she really reading my mind?

"Mm.. but even if you don't jump now, you're bound to die eventually." she paused looking at me again then continued. "in the not so distant future."

What did she mean in the not so distant future?

"I'll die in the future? When exactly?"

"Curious are you? In the next 7 days."

Wait.... In just one week I'll be dead?

Then what was the difference between dying then and dying now. Jus some days so why did this self-proclaimed God stop me?

I'll end up dying anyways so.... Why stop me?

"Self-proclaimed God? That's kinda harsh don't you think?"

"Can you read my thoughts?"

"Is there really anything God can't do?"

"Is that a yes?"

"I'll leave that for your thoughts to figure out."

"So what now..... If I don't die today what should I do in the next seven days before I commit suicide again?"

"Who said anything about you dying out of suicide?"

"Then how do I die exactly?"

"If I gave you the answer would it really be called life anymore?"

"Do you have to answer a question with another question?"

"Look who's talking? Anyways.... As for why I stopped you... I want you to spend your last seven days with me, God."

She stood up, walked on the ledge then pushed me back onto the rooftop.

"Hey!"

"What? It's not like you'll be able to die if you jump right now so standing there is pointless."

She jumped down from the ledge onto the rooftop.

Sigh. "what do you mean by spending my last seven days with you?"

"Just as it sounds. You don't like the idea?"

"No it's not that. Um.... I have a question."

"Ask."

"You expect me to believe that God is really a woman?"

Her eyes grew wide upon hearing my ridiculous question. She placed her right hand on her fore head and shook her head several times before stopping and looking back at me.

"What foolish notion do you humans have? What brought on the idea that God can't manifest in the form of a woman as they please?"

She scowled at me as if saying that was an extremely ludicrous and stupid question to ask.

I shrugged her immense glare and began standing up, then....

"Vodka? Beer? Shouldn't what you drank be taking effect?" She asked and as soon as she did, my head started spiraling.

How much did I really drink?

But that didn't matter anyway.

Starting tomorrow, March 24th, I was going to spend the next seven days with a 'god' before I apparently died.

It wasn't something bad actually, this just meant that I had to endure the next seven days and I'd be done with this pointless existence of mine.

"You really do think of some interesting things human. But fret no more, I'll prove to you that my existence as the God is not to be taken lightly.

So..... Look forward to your time with me..."

She said as my vision went dark and I must've fallen since I could feel the hard ground under me.

And if I'm not mistaken, right at the end of her sentence she must have called out my name. My full name.

Was she really a god or even The God?

After a few seconds I began to drift into a deep sleep which was too good to resist.