A selection of the city’s villains (Part 1)

Today I decided to head to the market to talk to Miss Nightingale, who usually appears at dubious hours in sketchy places: Like sitting on top of the well at 9 am. A few minutes into the 30 minute long walk of about 300 meters, I not only realized that I forgot my mask at home, I also forgot to put my spare key back. Dejected, I turned around and made my way back thinking that I missed my timing today, because the nightingale usually leaves pretty quickly and I won't be able to make it in time.

WHO COULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT WHEN I GET TO MY HOME THERE'S A FRIED WINGS TO BE SNOOPING AROUND WHERE I USUALLY PLACE MY SPARE KEYS??!

How did she even find my super secret hiding spot that's disguised better than a crocodile on a christmas tree? I mean, have you ever seen one? Trust me there's plenty of them hiding. They are just that good. Needless to say, I was mad. Very mad. The nightingale, obviously puzzled by the lack of entrance tools in the presumed location, turned around and mumbled something along the lines of "it shoulda been he...", spotted me and froze mid "here", covering up her sneaky infiltration attempt with a smooth "Hi there, how may I help you?"

Now I have no clue how her skin is this thick (she's a bird after all so it's well hidden), but the sheer audacity left me speechless. Naturally, I replied with "Hi." short pause "I've been looking for you." *awkward stare...*

If turtles could make facial expressions, I would have probably raised an eyebrow. Now there are a lot of things I'd like to ask, however this fellow is difficult to deal with. She is notorious for demanding compensation for asked questions, even if I had the right to know from a moral standpoint. But there's always a chance to beat her on her own turf, because I was right next to my front door and caught her off guard. Rather than letting her catch her breath, I swiftly took the initiative and aggressively asked her whether or not she wanted to know where the key was hidden.

She contemplated for quite some time, before her curiosity overwhelmed her voice of reason. I guess my demanding attitude, angry tone and imposing demeanour was partially responsible for her rather rushed choice. She obviously agreed. My mere presence is just that good. I think.

"So how much are you willing to pay for it? It's the location of a key to enter a house after all! Think of all the things you could do inside an empty house! All those precious secrets waiting to get explored by your prying eyes, unguarded before your quick wits through intricate preparation!"

She stated that she'd be willing to pay a golden almond, demanding that I would further show her how to actually use the key, an offer which I agreed to in a heartbeat. A GOLDEN ALMOND! You know how much that is? I don't know how she can be this successful when she's spending so much money on such trivial things, but that's not my issue and I ain't asking either, fearing the price she might demand.

The look on her face when she got scammed though, simply priceless. I was no longer mad after that, amused rather. She quietly cursed her source of information afterwards too, sadly I couldn't make out who discovered my secret hiding place. I figured I'd find out eventually.

After our difficult start, I actually got to the point I originally tried to find her for: I wanted to give her info that I had gathered on my enemies and in return, she had to stop selling out my info to those who were asking for it.

I understood that this is her main business, so I knew I had to come prepared and decisively I gave her a small overview of whom I'd cover and after dropping those juicy lures, I gave her time to consider. Compared to my earlier forcing for a quick and unwise decision, I decided to give her the option to digest the information for this one.

However, the mere thought of gaining information in exchange for restricting information sounded pretty pleasing to her intel-deprived brain so she swiftly agreed. Information monopoly? Hell yes! The only downside is that while you have the information, this contract would forbid using it, so having a monopoly would be less useful. Neither my problem nor my business though, just stating thoughts.

For my first adversary, I started with the most notorious one: He caused a big ruckus over the last few months, not just through swift and decisive actions without giving the authorities any breathing room, but also through his psychopathic and slightly overblown challenges.

I'm talking about Chirp the Monkey.

This fellow doesn't act all too often, but when he does, he's going big. Blows things up. Literally. But wait, that's not all! He usually gives you two choices: Big boom! or almost silent implosion (he's very gifted, so you prolly won't notice when the building next to yours collapses).

You'll probably think: "But where's the catch?" Remember the psychopathic tendencies I eluded to earlier? Well, the "silent implosion" involves challenging you to a fistfight on top of a building that he riddled with explosives beforehand. He shows up, giggles, lifts his remote (that's shaped like a banana, but it's probably some kind of phone), initiates combat and commences the building collapse. He's just that insane. I'm surprised he managed to survive until now.

He does and is so much more though:

Never give him your address, if he's short on money he'll 'improve' your building and then extort money from you because why the hell not? That's also his main way to finance his 'fireworks'. When asked, he refers to himself as 'ruthless businessman' and his means of acquiring money as 'result-oriented'. Despite that, you can actually hire him should you ever stumble upon his phone number. He's expensive though (I had the chance to interview him once!), and in addition to his salary, you have to take care of the material cost aswell.

In combat he uses piercing sewing needles (one hell of a weapon), which makes him the only enemy that I'd rather use my speed shell against. I heard that he also achieved the first place in the annual city scarf sewing contest, using the pseudonym 'Fast McScarf'. Little known fact about him is that he dislikes bananas. Even his phone is just for show. I have no clue what he's trying to achieve with fooling everyone, maybe he doesn't know either. If you are wondering which food he enjoys, wait no more as I shall satisfy your curiosity:

Raw garlic and Cheese and Onion Chips.