Section 2: One liner's

I was going to tell a joke about a boomerang but It won't come back to me.

I have never trusted stairs... They are always up to something!

I have always found elavators to be very uplifting... until they let me down.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

I used to go fishing with skrillex, but he kept dropping the bass

I was wondering why that ball was getting closer, until it hit me

When life gives you melons, your dyslexic

Yesterday I held a door open for a clown, I thought it was a nice jester.

Did you hear about the explosion that happened at that cheese factory in france? There was de-brie everywhere!

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A women asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her.

The man that survived pepper spray and mustard gas must be a seasoned veteran

I can't believe that I was fired from the calendar factory, all I did was take a day off

Is it ignorance or apathy that is destroying our world? I don't know and don't care.

Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a great man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don't worry though- he woke up.

I fernly beleaf that my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone, i don't care about you opineon if you disagreen.

I was going to tell you a joke about infinity but it doesn't have an ending yet.

I was going to tell you a joke about buildings but it's still under construction.

I dont trust atoms, they make up everything

I dont understand how photons keeps falling out of the sun, someone needs to shed some light on this.

I made a pencil with two erasers, it was pointless.

if pronouncing my b's as v's make me sound Russian, then soviet

My friend asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet is, it was a complete guess but i was right.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know, one would have been enough."

I was at the book store earlier and asked if they have a digital copy of prince Harry's new book, the lady asked me if I meant the Pdf-file and I said "no that's his uncle"

today, my son asked "can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my names brian.

my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning, it's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

my friends grandfather cme back from the war with one leg. the sad part is no one knows whose leg is it

does making 6 figures a year make you a bad employee at a toy factory.

Someone stole all my lamps and you'd think I'd be upset but I'm actually De-lighted. Sorry about the dark joke.

Whenever I take my dog to the local pond ducks attack it, I guess I shouldn't have gotten a Pure bread

I got attacked by a dog the other day, it was ruff

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink

A guy walks into a bar, and he was disqualified from the limbo contest