08- Burden

Hiraeth

I wake up at the same time to get ready for school, it's been a month and a half since we went skating.

Things have been pretty nice between both our groups and it seems like Kai might ask Mia out soon, I think so at least.

These past few weeks, mom has been really pissed about things even though I don't think I've done anything wrong, she doesn't like me going out too much, she doesn't like it when I'm reading, she doesn't like it when I'm doing anything other than studying.

I peeked downstairs to see if she was here, thankfully she isn't.

After living with an abusive father, the last thing I want is to have an abusive mother.

Oh shit, wasn't that my story for another day?

I mean today is another day so, yeah.

My dad wasn't a bad person, but once he started drinking and went off his rocker, it made him crazy and delusional, he used to hit me and my mom daily, and even cheated on my mother, I just might have a stepbrother who I don't know about.

This went for around 11 years before we were actually able to get out, once we did, it wasn't easy, no stable income, no stable mental health, and living in a patriarchal society without a father is itself a challenge.

It took us 7 years to get our own home, to become stable, and the journey wasn't easy, sometimes my mom and I were close, sometimes I was an easy way to take out anger for her, there were times I was suicidal and times when I cut myself, times when I was bullied for not having a father in school and treated like shit by relatives.

Life was tough, it is tough, but now I've learned how to manage myself, I don't cut anymore, 3 years clean and I haven't felt suicidal in around 2 years.

I do have depressive episodes and I get angry easily as well but no one's perfect, what matters to me is I am getting better but I don't think it'll be long before I go back to square one because of my mom, because of what we faced, it's like there's this responsibility on me to be the best, the better one in the family, to be the topper and to get an amazing job.

mental health? we don't do that here.

and I understand, I do, but I need my time and space too, my mom is kinda abusive too, I don't know if you can call it that though, she slaps me a couple of times and throws things, and sometimes yells, not always though.

She wants me to be this overachiever, because if I'm not, then I'm just a burden.

We have been having a lot of arguments and fights for the last few weeks, it's not like my grades dropped or anything, she just wants me to try harder and be better.

But what is better than an A+?

I am mentally exhausted and more so physically, my head hurts all the time and I have this ringing in my ear.

I decide not to go to school today since I don't feel well, if I go, I'll end up getting worse.

I study for a bit and before I realise it's now after school timing, I check my phone to see some missed calls and texts from my friends.

Mia: Are you alright? Call me asap

Cain: Bestie what's up, r u sick ? Call me, ily <3

How sweet, I think as I reply to them both and go on to the third text,

Arcane: why were you not at school today? Is everything okay?

Why am I getting butterflies over a text

I reply a simple "everything's okay, just sick" and he sees it quickly, he replies with a short ok.

Dry AF buddy

It is now evening, and my mom will be home any moment, I decide on watching tv for the meantime and it wasn't long before I hear the door open, I look back only to find my mom.

She looks mad, enraged, why though?

"Did you miss school today?" She asks me

"Yes I wasn't feeling well, why" I reply honestly

Before I could notice what was happening I feel a sharp sting on my left cheek as the realisation dawns on me.

She slapped me

After so many years, of not being abused, one slap is all it takes for those memories to come back, I don't think she realises what she did because she continues yelling at me,

"You are such an ungrateful child, I did so much, so fucking much, and you can't even study, do your job, you're such a burden" she screams frustrated.

I feel the tears run down my face, I look at her and she looks even more mad, I wear my crocs and leave the house as soon as I possibly can, hearing her shouting while I run out of the driveway and away from my home.

When I'm at a safe distance I stop running and walk to a park nearby, I finally reach there and sit on a bench, I finally touch the slapped cheek, and it hurts.

Like a bitch

I feel like I'm back to square one, I feel useless, I want to disappear, I cry and sob, as I suddenly hear a voice call my name,

"Hiraeth?"

It's Arcane

"Oh hey, what's up" I say as I quickly wipe my tears

"What's wrong" he comes and sits next to me on the bench as his eyes slowly go to the mark on my cheek, his jaw clenched.

"Who did this" he asks in a low voice

He sounds super sexy right now

Not the right time, idiot !

"Well, I pissed my mom off so she slapped in the heat of the moment, nothing too bad" I say with a chuckle as his eyes stay on the mark.

"It is bad, just because she's angry does not mean she can hit you" he says as his hand lightly brushes my cheek, and I don't flinch.

Wow, that's new

"I know" I say with a sigh "she'll get better, she always does"

"I hope she does" he says "for both of your sakes"

I nod as he pulls his hand away too,

"Why were you not at school today, were you actually even sick?" He asks, looking at my eyes

"I am sick, just not physically, I needed a break, but I guess my mom didn't think so" I sigh again

"You know if you let it out you will feel lighter, so since we're both already here, why not tell me what's wrong" he says softly his hand slowly stroking mine now.

"I-I don't know where to start" I say honestly

He stays silent for some time and then speaks up, "can I ask you a question?" And I just nod.

"Okay, um.. you flinch, a lot and I'm sorry if I cross any line, but did something happen in the past, or is still happening?" He questions concern in every word.

"Uh- yeah, I was abused" I say as he clenches his fist and his eyes get darker, I continue

"Not by my mom though, it was my father" I finish and look back at him.

He looks at me as his gaze softens slowly, he raises his hand slowly, towards my head, as if not wanting to scare me, I smile slightly at the thought, as he tucks away a strand of hair behind my ear.

We both lean back into the bench, sitting so close our bodies are touching each other but neither of us seem to mind.

I slowly lean my head on his shoulder and feel him tense for a second before he wraps his hand around my shoulder to make me more comfortable.

We fall into a comfortable silence and soon I end up telling him about what I was feeling, how exhausted I felt, how tired and hopeless I felt.

I thought he'd say I was being over dramatic but he was completely understanding.

He takes my face between his palms as he starts speaking,

"What you're going through is tough, but so are you, and you'll get through it, you're so strong and I admire you so much, you are not a burden and you mean a lot to many people including me, so remove any negative thought from that pretty little head of yours" he finishes as squeezes my face a bit making me look like a fish, he chuckles as I laugh.

I actually feel better

I lean back again as he wraps his hand around my shoulder and pulls my head to his shoulder, we stay like for what feels like hours, just talking and enjoying each other's presence.

I don't know what's going to happen when I go back home, but what I do know is.

I have a big fat massive crush on Arcane Giovanni.