The Underground 6
"Why do you assume your fake Reader is an idiot?" Muffles asked, flicking a piece of brain from her finger.
"That's obvious Muffles, no one smart would have time to read my book they're all doing stuff like cooking vegetables and eating them. Or teaching pigs how to fly, you know pointless meat-things."
Muffles just shook her head, an odd way to agree with me to be certain. "How long before we reach the surface?" she asked.
"Not to worry Muffles, we'll get there eventually"
I really wanted to say more about how disgusting and unclean she looked with spider blood and brain bits on her. However, I refrained from saying this because I am so generous and kind. Man I am so nice, it's actually frightening how nice i am. It's a little off-putting even to me.
"How do you keep forgetting I can hear everything you think." She asked fustrated for some mystifying reason.
"Oh I didn't but I didn't have quotations so I never said it, you're welcome by the way."
Muffles took a deep breath probably thinking about how kind I was. As Muffles continued in vain to clean herself I decided to take a closer look at the walls and webbing. I'm not sure what I was looking for because everything was a rocky stone mess of a cave with about 99 percent of it covered in webs. When we entered the next intersection I couldn't help but get a wave of familiarity wash over me. That's when I saw my old home, the rock, we had in fact gone in a circle.
"Muffles…are part of your brains in your hair like that spider?"
Muffles already knew what I was getting at and her frustration got the best of her as she threw me on the ground. It was actually quite soft on account of all the webs regardless it was inconsiderate I can feel ya know?
"How did you not notice we were going in a circle!" She shouted at me like I was the idiot here.
"Me? You're the legs, I'm the pointy object so it stands to reason it's your job to get us out."
"THEN WHY DID YOU SAY YOU KNEW THE WAY OUT!"
Hmm, did I say that? Hang on Reader let me just go back and oh shit I guess I did seem to imply I did. I'm sure I had an excellent reason to say I did. Maybe I was so enamored by the idea of getting to choose where to go for once that I lied without even thinking about it. Now that I am thinking about it I never really had a good sense of direction I mean I couldn't even tell you which way north is.
Muffles cheeks were starting to puff up, her ears also reddened. I think she was having an allergic reaction to something. On account of our strained relationship I decided to keep that to myself. We really should restrict our conversations on a need to know basis.
Yes, a need to know basis is an excellent idea. With that in mind I decided to forgo any sort of explanation as to why I might have said I knew the way out in favor of staying on the topic of escaping,I think she'll appreciate me keeping it short this time. "Well you see muffles-"
"forget it" she cut me off in an annoyed tone. Note to self find a deaf meat-sack next time.
Muffles started walking in the opposite direction back to my home past the two dead spiders, wait the spiders were gone huh that's neat they must have self-cleaning biology or something. Wait a second Muffles forgot to pick me up.. Wait a second is she..she can't be is she leaving me?
"MUFFLES STOP COME BACK WE'RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS!"
I tried my best to shout but I don't think it came out any louder than how I normally am. Not to mention it was a lie and a hard one to sell. I just wasn't really selling it with my tone.
"COME BACK MUFFLES WERE ACQUAINTED!" Even that's a bit of an exaggeration, she was more like a stranger that happens to have been in my company for a bit.
For some reason my lie about us being acquaintances was not enough to disway Muffles from abandoning me as she strayed further from me. The moment she entered the opposite tunnel she got pounced on by a gaggle or squad,no, that doesn't sound right. I don't know what word fits here, it was like 8 spiders so put your own in. They promptly spun a web around her as she twisted and struggled against them, truly it was a feeble struggle.
While Muffles had her problem I had one myself you see a spider was just above me which made it hard to look up which is really annoying. I can honestly say I'm not sure which of us had it worse. But maybe just maybe Muffles did since the one above me wasn't the normal kind and therefore cleaner. I could tell by the slightly larger size and lack of pincers it was the weird one with the torso of a human and body of a spider. I think other worlds called them like arachne which is kind of stupid I mean why not just keep them as arachnids? Whatever, it's not that important.
Seeing as how Muffles was too far for me to help her I was starting to become content in this new bed of webs. I mean it was more comfy than the rock and now I could see down an entire corridor. This could work for a little while I guess, or at least it might have if this aranchne hadn't stepped on me.
Raising her spider leg she looked down at me shifting her head to the right. She tapped her leg on me again as if to verify that I was real. The other spiders didn't notice their boss being an idiot distracted by the muffled screams of Muffles as she once again got spun into a cocoon leaving her head free of the restraints save a silk ball that they stuffed into her mouth. I can only imagine how sticky and disgusting that might be.
The spider lady bent down to pick me up which I wasn't gonna allow but then I remembered she couldn't since she's super weak for some reason. To my shock she picked me up and I have no clue how this happened. I mean she couldn't last time so why could she this time? I weighed the same and Muffles took me out of the rock no problem. Huh maybe she was related to Dorian too and had some of his Goddess given strength. Nah that couldn't be it there's no way Dorian had meat to meat moments with a spider because he hates monsters,demons, anything not human really. Then again it would be easy to verify if she was related.
"Hey spider lady, can you hear me?" I added the quotations so you know I'm speaking. Silence followed, she turned me in her hand to view the other side of my blade.
Once again I thought about making myself too heavy to lift but I was too far away from Muffles to help so I would have to bear with it. At least it wasn't all bad her hands were much softer than Muffles, she even trimmed her nails Muffles could learn a thing or two. I waited for a moment for Muffles to say some kind of ill-thought out retort only to remember she couldn't talk. Ah well, I can still talk to her
"Hey Muffles this spider lady is dressed much better than you. Maybe you could ask for her to make you some clothing later.
" I meant it too. The spider lady had made a special white silk dress for herself that covered the entirety of her human-like flesh and even a bit further down but stopping short of the ground so she didn't trip on it.
"No really muffles, it would be a big upgrade from your rags."
Muffles gave me one of those looks as if to say "Is this really the right time to complement the enemy" To which I say of course. Clothing is made to make a sword look better, some silly meat-bags will say it's to outfit the wearer and complement their eyes, hair, figure, or some other stupid reason but who are you gonna believe me or some meat-bag? Me obviously in case you were thinking about it. The only thing that outfits a sword better is armor which sadly the Arachne was not wearing.
Eventually the spider lady held me up to her face, which was mostly normal at least human normal except she had four beady spider eyes. I'm not sure what was up with that, like humans have two and spiders eight so it just split the difference, it really doesn't make sense. Also her hair was purple like what? Did her spider mom have intercourse with a cotton candy machine? I just don't get it.
The whole cotton candy x spider thing was really creeping me out. So much so that I was about to increase my weight when the muffled noises of Muffles reminded me once again that I had to get close to her to help. So I let her look continue to turn me from front to back to back to front again. Eventually she stopped on what I considered to be my good side not that anyone could tell. To the horrendous meat-eye I look the same on both sides but in reality I am slightly shiner on my front side. And yes Reader I do have what I consider a front side it's the side that is shinier.
"Beautiful." She whispered to herself. It's too bad she wasn't the one that could hear me instead of Muffles she had such good taste.
She admired my amazingness for another hour…what you don't believe she stood there for an hour. OK well it might have been a few minutes but hey for Muffles it probably felt like 2 hours she was after all surrounded by spiders. Sadly like all good things her admiration of myself ended. She looked at Muffles with a twinkle in her eye, yup she definitely wanted to eat Muffles. She kept hold of me as she slowly made her way over. I'm not sure if she's a slow walker or just moved slow for dramatic effect but Muffles sure seems spooked.
After what felt like decades we finally got close enough to Muffles that I could kill all the spiders including the spider-lady right then and there. But then a few thoughts occurred to me. For starters I would have to stab a bunch of stuff at the same time. That sucks. Not to mention Muffles was about to abandon me.
"I don't know Muffles, maybe I want to stick with this spider lady." Muffles eyes widened as she started to squirm again.
"Ah man Muffles you are so pitiful honestly maybe even too pitiful to save. Ya know what gimme a minute to think about it. "