Ego Disguises Love
"Seafood fried rice and mango juice for me. How about you, Ara?", Ryan said when the waitress handed me food and beverage menu.
"Orange juice, please", I requested to the café waitress who immediately left after receiving the order.
I want to stop the time at this moment, even we don't talk much and just observe each other.
The more I saw him, the more I was dragged into something painful. I asked myself in silence, whether all things that I have done during these 10 years was truly outrageous and unforgivable ?
"You've changed a lot", he said.
"Um, yes", I answered a question that didn't need an answer.
"You've become more arrogant than ever. How could you ignored me for almost ten years", he said.
"Explain!", He continued.
"I have no answer", I said softly.
Life is unpredictable. In the past, I never thought that I would be able to pass a day without his presence. It turns out that ego makes everything possible, I even survived without ever typed him a message.
Hearing my answer, his pupils reacted immediately and stared at my eyes which made me intimidated. Suddenly, my eyes subconsciously started becoming warm, the crystal grains were almost crackling, but they didn't fall. If I don't look away, maybe I'll cry one more time.
"Why you treated me like a stranger?", He said while looking into my eyes.
"Why you can't spend only five minutes to respond by e-mail. It will be OK even it was just a sentence. If it was too hard, at least you can pretend that you're care", he continued.
His words made a teardrop can't stagnate anymore, but fell down. I've cried twice a day; failing to hide emotions for some unexplained reasons.
He didn't know anything at all. He never knows how hard I tried to survive for these ten years, how hard I tried to endure and how much I longed for him.
Although only a single tear fell down, my pride was crushed in an instant. How can I cry in front of someone who has left me for 10 years.
It was really embarrassing as well as destroying my image as a cold-hearted woman.
"I just hate pretending," I insisted.
Let's say, those words have summed up everything. Let's say, those words were all that he wanted to hear. Please, give me more understanding since I'm not good at expressing my heart. However, I secretly hoped that Ryan will know the unspeakable words which left unspoken.
"Since when you turn into a cruel woman?", He continued.
"We can discuss it later. Let's eat first, you must be hungry, right?", I said, then grabbing a spoon and landing fried rice into his mouth.
Without refusal, he opened his mouth after taking a deep breath. I smiled subconsciously after seeing his expression has changed. And again, I realized that nothing had changed.
Perhaps, nothing will change. He still easily makes me smile comfortably without much effort. He still makes me stop thinking about anything ell when he is by my side.
"Are you still with me?", He said before snapping his fingers close to my face.
I was stunned from distant hopes and dreams. When I saw him, I hoped I can make him staying by my side forever. Without awareness, without gratitude, I still ask for too much blessing. Isn't it one of the best gifts?
The ringing of the phone breaks the good atmosphere, that's incoming call from my mom. I used to turn off mobile data when it wasn't needed, so they'd make a quick call to ask me for checking messages on WhatsApp.
My mother did the same thing, she told me to read massages on WhatsApp. She sent me a long list of food ingredients and household stuff. Buying those things, is one of the homework that I have to do since we've divided household duties.
This time, I received the longer list because the day after tomorrow we have an annual ritual of commemorating the death of our grandmother and grandfather which has been held annually for the past 12 years. Yaa, 4,383 days have passed.
***
"You wanna going home first or coming with me ?" I asked him when we were in the parking lot.
"Ara, you're never changed at all, you're completely inconsiderate", he replied which I only responded with a glance.
"Where ?", He continued.
"I need to buy some household stuff in the market and convenience store", I replied.
Once again, Ryan stole the key from my hand. It took 25 minutes to the market, called "Pasar Aceh" as traffic in the city center started getting heavy by late afternoon.
He stopped at the Baiturrahman Grand Mosque for Ashar praying before taking me to my destination.
I waited him outside the Mosque as I couldn't pray or enter the Mosque because I was wearing inappropriate outfit; women who wearing jeans can't enter the Baiturrahman Grand Mosque.
While waiting, I chose walking-distance to the supermarket. I typed Ryan a message for the very first time, asking him to catch up after praying. Although, l don't saved his phone number, but I memorized them with no effort.
His appearance appeared as the escalator moved up. Surprisingly, the sight made me smile like a fool. He doesn't need to do anything, just stand up from a distance, I'm already happy.
Shopping with him was like a dream, he looked really cute following me while his hands was busy with the trolley. Sigh, I hoped I can marry him. That's right, he never failed to make my hopes grow and engrave even deeper.
***