8 We Can Make This A Religion

John slurped cooly from a flask of vintage wine.

"Ah... You can't underestimate the coffers of the Heavens!" he mused.

John just recovered from the recent shock and heart-pumping incident. Now, he rocked slowly in a woven hammock. Mary sat nearby, composed on a cushioned chair.

John dismissively waved his hand in the air.

"Heavenly System, tell me the rest of what I've missed on Derob."

"Affirmative! The Triad Wars ended shortly after Francis the Fifth defeated Bro Sir and the Dark Lord Chen Chen fled from the Heavenly System," it haughtily snorted in disdain.

John stopped drinking. "Wasn't Chen Chen strong enough to portal through Realms?"

"Correct, but his power fell after killing the previous Godly Pantheon and fighting your God. It's outside of calculations about why he could survive Divine Punishment from so many Gods and the Heavenly System for so long."

"He won't come back, right?" John said, worriedly.

"There's an incalculable probability Chen Chen will return!"

"Great... Are there any people on Derob who can fight him?"

"Francis the Fifth was a rare crossbreed of a Seraphim and half-breed Cherubim. Other bloodlines are too diluted because those who could fight died with Bro Sir."

"But aren't the survivors more united than ever?"

"Yes, they praise Francis of the Fifth with so much accord, their oaths are "pleading the Fifth" to serve silently and faithfully. Your reputation spread among races of beasts, demons, humans, and mixed bloods. The most contributing factor stems from the belief of promoting all procreation!"

"You mean, my words to "beat *ss and f*ck b*tches"? Can't believe those stupid idiots believed any of the cr*p I wrote!"

"User's eloquence is largely ineffective in their belief. Your God and his immortals abandoned Derob. Francis served as their Savior, which came closer to truth when Chen Chen exacerbated the fall of the Old Church. This gave them faith where no other hope existed. Releasing the mortals from their inhibitions was an effect by your first Apostle and a uniting force in the aftermath. Your disloyalty, pride, and uselessness knows no bounds, John."

"...Shut the f*ck up. I'm trying at least."

"Reminding User the Heavenly System was forced to remove all buttons to prevent User from causing further harm!"

John threw his flask at the voice. "Who f*cking cares?! I'm God!"

"Reminding User must lead his people more faithfully!"

"Okay, stop f*cking whining already! Get to the point!"

"Recommending User to choose a new Apostle. Previous penalties limit User's supervision and communication to their Apostle!"

"What, I don't get an Avatar?"

"John, your absurdity invalidates all logic of the Heavenly System. It threatens to exceed the tolerance threshold of our processing power!"

John swung his fists at the air. "And you're a long-winded f*cker! Nobody wins."

"Choose an Apostle, User—"

"How can I f*cking choose what I can't see?"

"...Try sitting up first and looking before screaming like an infant straight from the womb."

"Oh..."

John sat up. A wide selection spread across the vast space in front of him.

"Holy sh*t! So many choices..."

"Choose wisely, User! You will be forcibly locked to this Apostle until an apt enough performance deems you worthy of replacing your Apostle or gaining control of more followers!"

John scrutinized them with utmost vigilance.

"Why... why the f*ck are they men?" he screamed.

"Men are needed to emulate the performance of the first Apostle or faith will drastically fall."

With such a loose life, women couldn't overcome the usual musculature difference, let alone reproductive capabilities! No enemy would wait for her to carry her child or birth her babe on the battlefield! This doesn't even include their monthly lapses in performance! The notion of a woman leading the life of a Pimp? Preposterous!

"F*ck you! Give me a woman!"

...

John was a special case.

"...Why are you so irresponsibly difficult in our cooperation, John? Please, do it for your survival, if not for your responsibility as God!"

"I'm not going to watch some guy go around f*cking sexy girls and beefing up! I hate being denied what I want!"

"User, there should be a limit to how petty one person can be..."

"Give me a woman!" John's face reddened like a swollen butt cheek slapped for an hour.

"Are you sure, User? This decision is irreversible!"

"Yes! Woman! Now!"

"Confirming... Assessing... Probability of survival decreased 63.96% in effectiveness..."

"Wait, what?"

"Loading candidates..."

A wide array of women replaced the half-naked men. Almost all of them were somewhat disfigured or hideous. Bloodlines usually created monstrosities as offspring. Compatibility was always an issue, so appearance didn't match strength or potential. Experience also had the tendency to scar almost all individuals who struggled to the top.

"Dear f*ck! What's wrong with them?!"

"User, don't complain when I told you so!"

"There's only one beauty?"

"That's what you worried about!? User, please—"

"I choose you, Mysterious Beauty!" John decided.

"User, our mutual destruction is all but guaranteed. The incompatibility of this Apostle's personality and identity makes any chances of survival nominal at best."

"Don't worry about it, Heavenly System. A Pimp can survive anything!"

"John, don't use your fictional writings as a source of credibility... Remember, you were forced to abandon your first Apostle and he was incomparably stronger than this candidate..."

"I don't caaaare!~"

John wanted some action and he'd rather die than be deprived of it.