The Loss of Innocence

The Realm seemed to be injecting strange foreign thoughts into me.

After all, I never cared about morals or ethics.

So what if I killed someone.

I was doing what I had to do.

I needed soul energy and hunting ghosts was the fastest way to do it.

Everything else was irrelevant.

I decided to head over to the haunted house next, there was a high chance of finding a ghost there, I jumped down from the giant wheel as the car I was on approached the ground.

I turned back to slowly see the wheel fade away.

Since... I had killed the ghost I had also deleted the objects associated with his memory.

I could feel the hold of the realm slowly loosen over me.

Killing them was obviously the right thing to do...

... that would slow down the rate at which the realm affected me.

Slowly repeating that till I convinced myself I entered the haunted house.

I could hear the sobbing voice again

"Mommy!" "Daddy!" "Please come back..."

I found a little boy crouched over in the corner his head hidden in his shoulders as he slowly sobbed.

I held the knife behind my back as I crouched next to him and asked "Are you lost?"

He slowly turned his head to look at me, I could see lines of dried tears stretching down his eyes.

He felt weak and insecure.

"Have you seen Mommy and Daddy?"

"I am sorry I haven't seen them, shouldn't we go outside they might be waiting for you there."

The boy looked at me and then shook his head, "There's no need to comfort me, big brother, I know my parents won't be there. They have left me, everybody always does."

Looking at him I couldn't help but feel irritation rise up within me, who cares if they have abandoned you. One should be capable enough to face life on their own. The world was a cruel place, it was every man for themselves.

"Big brother, I think I am scared, will you play with me for a while."

I looked at him and sighed. After losing a younger brother those words were like curses for me.

I smiled coldly, "What do you want to play?"

The innocent face of the boy suddenly warped into a twisted and eerie smile.

"How about a game of Hide... and... Seek...?"

I pulled out my knife and placed it next to his neck.

"How about we don't, let's end this quickly shall we."

Letting him take the initiative would be a mistake.

I should finish this here and now.

The smile on his face instantly vanished and gave way to fear.

"I am sorry, let's not play the game."

"I will go away and won't interfere over the battle for the territory, please ... just don't kill me."

I had already let one ghost get away cause she looked like a kid, I don't think I could afford to show mercy again.

Besides these were all ghosts, they may look like ghosts but they were all crazy monsters, none of them were innocent. The world would be safer without them...

Yeah, these were just evil creatures, I had released them so I should capture them back too.

I still had room for one more ghost in the soul house ability of the soul orb.

"I didn't even want to come here, please big brother, please don't kill me."

Was that how my own brother begged for his life when I killed him.

Was he also cowering this way?

Did I have the same emotionless look on my face?

My so-called girlfriend was also a ghost, didn't they deserve to live as much as humans.

Who was I to choose who gets to live or die?

I then shook my head, whoever came here knew that there would be a battle royale.

We are all willing to risk our lives on the stake for our goals.

However, if he really didn't want to come here.

"You do know that there is a battle royale here! Why would you come here then?"

"This is the place where I had died before getting captured, I had no idea that such an event will take place."

I sighed and lowered the knife, even if I was didn't care about anyone other than myself and those related to me, I still wasn't ruthless enough to kill innocents.

I walked out of the haunted house seething in frustration.

I was internally split in half.

One was berating me for not being ruthless enough, I knew full well that the boy despite his looks was actually a ghost. Who knows if he was lying or would stab me in the back later.

The other half was chastising me for even thinking of killing an innocent child.

"I have never cared about morals or ethics, why would I let a potential danger survive."

"That's stupid, if you were really an emotionless freak why would you bother trying to find out the truth behind your brother's death? He is dead anyway. Does it matter whether you killed him or not?

But no that is not true, you do care! You blame yourself for his death that's why you like seeking death so much. You just want to punish yourself and hope that you die, as if that would somehow make things okay "

"It would be fine if I really killed him, it's a different thing if someone tried to frame me for the murder I would just accept that this was what my past self was, after all, me from before losing my memories and me now our different people."

"Human bodies regularly keep changing their cells, but they are still the same person. WHY? BECAUSE OF INFORMATION, MEMORIES! Memories allow one to exist as a single entity surpassing the constraints of past, present, and future. However I have none, this splits my existence into two."

"DAmmit! I have gone through this before...and more importantly, don't drag my death-seeking into this conversation, just because I like thrills doesn't mean I want to 'punish' myself"

"Stop, deluding yourself, you have recovered your memories you just refuse to acknowledge them because you are afraid you won't be able to handle the guilt and pain. The memories are also a part of you, stop denying them."

"Shut up!"

"Yeah, maybe you are right after all and you are the murderer, if someone tried to frame you they probably would have struck again since you got away scot-free."

"But, what if they have just not struck yet. That's why I need to grow stronger... no matter how much blood comes on my hands."

"Yes, the best form of lying is to lie to oneself, after all, you have even managed to fool yourself and erase your memories, you should die like the scum you are. Or perhaps since you are so mad, why not just fucking embrace it! Start killing! Go on a rampage! After all, you never cared about the lives of innocents, right!"

"Shut Up! Shut Up! SHUT UP!"

My thoughts and emotions became a muddled mess as I walked on without seeing where I was going.

I had been dragged down from my state of enlightenment, the emotions that I had kept locked away flooded my being and clogged me up.

Then I heard that familiar voice again.

"You guys are completely hopeless, what would you guys do if I wasn't there to protect you guys!"

"Hee, hee but we are fine aren't we, you worry too much."

"Yesh big bro, luk we are abshutely phine!"

I looked towards the source to see someone I never had expected to see...

That familiar voice belonged to

me...

----------------------------------------------

I saw three kids sitting on the park bench.

A boy about 13 was berating his siblings, one was a similarly aged girl probably his twin, the other...was a 7-year-old toddler, also a boy.

I was lying, it wasn't that I hadn't expected to see them here, after all this realm was formed from the memories of the participants, It's just that I dreaded seeing them.

Looking at me from just... 4 years ago having fun with my siblings and looking at me now I couldn't help but feel choked.

Why did things have to turn out this way?

We were just kids,

We were so happy.

We were so innocent.

Now I have lost it all.

What's the one thing that children have but adults don't?

It's innocence.

Children are like sponges they absorb things around them and make them a part of themselves, centered around their core identity.

When innocence is plucked out, the core crumbles...

The bright and rose-tinted world is full of darkness and nihilism.

Everything was a scam! The world was always twisted and purposeless, as kids, we just never knew that.

Now I am roaming the city at nights,

dirtying my hands in blood just to find a glimpse of hope,

that I wasn't the one who had killed my own brother

and if I was innocent to find his murderer and get revenge.

Yes looking at me from back then I was at least sure of one thing-

"I loved my brother and will never want to harm him no matter what."

"I would never of my free uncoerced will, kill him!"

"SO, someone else is responsible for his death! AND I WILL FIND THEM AND MAKE THEM PAY!"

"Thoughts of vengeance filled me and I stepped on forwards with renewed determination."