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The Last Heiress of Oblonsky, Beatrix

The sound of guns... The darkness... The smoke... Then, oblivion. Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares. Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered. Looking outside my window, I am writing my daily journal and poetry today... To release all the pains and tensions from my past. And I wrote.. December 18, 1980 Myshkin, Russia My beloved, Have you ever ask yourself... What's your life purpose? If.. Are you doing the right thing? Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant? Day dreaming into your own world? Too much questions filled in your heart and mind. Too much of everything that you don't want. Too much! To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me. Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them. Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories. Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death. Yes, I did face it all. I cried hard. After decades of those patterned memories... This is the first time that I realized.. How I treated myself so badly. And I really wanted to give back to myself. By appreciating my past. Appreciate yourself more... Love yourself more... And you will discover more... I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past. ***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF*** My dearest self in the past... I have been visiting you lately in a vast... You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS, You go out more, loving the sun and grasses, Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above. Joyous days, feet touching stones and green Oh How glorious those days have been Flowing like water in every storms within And wind touches, caressing my skin Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose". A path full of journey and a dead rose All those rise and fall, I am with you... All those tears and laughter, I am with you.. I am always with you til the end of time

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60 Chs

THE NEW YEAR'S EVE

Mikael ushered us in the Banquet Hall.

He let Aunt Galina seated on our table.

And footmen and butlers served canapés such as smoked salmon, hawaiian crab, shrimp and cucumber and cheese and chutney canapé and a lot of wines.

And the lively music brings me into high spirit.

I couldn't hide my happiness when Mikael helped me to walk from our table up to the grand staircase.

The floral decorations captured my heart.

I hold on Mikael so tightly, I'm very afraid to trip over.

My Princess ball gown is elegant and speaks of extravagance but it's very difficult to walk.

Agnes helped me earlier while we are walking on the hallway.

But now it's getting into my nerves.

I couldn't live always wearing this kind of dress.

"My Princess, are you with me?" we have reached the top of the grand staircase.

"Yes, Your Highness! I'm sorry. Were you saying something?" I blushed.

"You are so beautiful tonight, My Princess! The dress suits you well" he whispered in my ears.