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The sound of guns... The darkness... The smoke... Then, oblivion. Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares. Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered. Looking outside my window, I am writing my daily journal and poetry today... To release all the pains and tensions from my past. And I wrote.. December 18, 1980 Myshkin, Russia My beloved, Have you ever ask yourself... What's your life purpose? If.. Are you doing the right thing? Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant? Day dreaming into your own world? Too much questions filled in your heart and mind. Too much of everything that you don't want. Too much! To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me. Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them. Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories. Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death. Yes, I did face it all. I cried hard. After decades of those patterned memories... This is the first time that I realized.. How I treated myself so badly. And I really wanted to give back to myself. By appreciating my past. Appreciate yourself more... Love yourself more... And you will discover more... I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past. ***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF*** My dearest self in the past... I have been visiting you lately in a vast... You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS, You go out more, loving the sun and grasses, Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above. Joyous days, feet touching stones and green Oh How glorious those days have been Flowing like water in every storms within And wind touches, caressing my skin Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose". A path full of journey and a dead rose All those rise and fall, I am with you... All those tears and laughter, I am with you... I am always with you til the end of time. You have no choice, we are both destined. Oh loving sun and dreamy moon, Grace us the light in our path divine, My past self, I thank you! For the wonderful memories... In my troubled present, found peace in you. Beatrix ********************************************** As I closed my journal... I just hear my Nana's footsteps and call out. "My princess, it's dinner time. Don't forget your coat, it's a bit freezing today!." "Yes, coming Nana!." I checked myself in the mirror for the last time, before sharing the table with Nana. The beauty in the mirror speaks of simplicity and elegance. I'm tall at my age of 15, around 183cm, with soft silver wavy hair and emerald green eyes. I'm looking at the reflection of my mother. And before my tears fall. "Beatrix?" A hint of annoyance in Nanas voice. "Yes, sorry Nana." Then, we silently eat our beetroot soup. In the same month, in different year. Our mother gather all of us, her children, near the fireplace hearth, made of granite and marble stone. My eldest brother Maxim played the piano while my older sister Annika played the flute. While me and my mom, cheerfully singing. Then, our beloved father Dimitri, joined us in our joyfulness. Amidst our liveliness, the commotion outside the House of Oblonsky raised our fears. People shouting with torches and guns. My father Dimitri was stunned. I'm crying in horror. I hugged my father...for the last time. When.... My small voice... bellowed "NO!!!!" "Mama, Papa..." "Maxim, Annika..." 
The little Beatrix keep on shouting.
"NO!?!"
"NO!?!?"
"Please NO?!?!"
"Papa.. What's wrong?" Papa, who are they? "
And started crying out loud.
" Hush now, My Princess.. Always remember, we love you so dearly "
My tears kept falling and called out..
" Mama..
"Maxim...
" Annika...
I reached out my small arms to Mama.
She's crying.. Maxim and Annika too.
"Dimitri?! Beatrix!?! Duchess Anastasia called out while holding Maxim and Annika.
I tried to run to reached them but Papa keep holding me tight.
I feel the fears of my Papa while embracing me.
I am out of breath.
I am suffocating from terror.
" Let's go Papa... We have to go.."
But the rebels with guns and torches, overrule all Palace guards.
They are burning and killing mercilessly each lady's servant, house keeper, valet and all whom they meet inside the Palace.
We have no more time to run.
We cannot go out.
The Palace is surrounded by the rebels.
My father,Tsar Dimitri hold me tight and covered me with his body for protection.
My mother Duchess Anastasia protected Maxim and Annika to no avail.
The sounds of gun...keep ringing in my ears.
Darkness flooded...
Smoke and fire everywhere...
When...
I heard my Nana saying "My Princess, it's been a long time that your Uncle Charles, the King of Sweden had been searching for you."
"I am happier and at peace being with you Nana" I replied in sharp response.
" My Princess, your Uncle knows you are alive and I believe it's about time to meet him" she added.
I am full of doubts and anxiety about meeting Uncle Charles.
Instead of accepting Nanas proposal. I ask her about the past, out of curiosity.
"Nana, how did you managed to save me that night?".
"I am preparing the tub for your bath my Princess, when I saw the armed men coming in. I felt terrified and wanted to run but when I saw you shouting and crying, holding thy father Tsar Dimitri while bullets flying, my tears keep on falling. I felt terrible. The smoke and fire everywhere was suffocating, I barely breath. When the rebels got off the Palace. I crawled from the back of the dividing wall, the entryway to the fireplace hearth, where you are covered with blood and above you, is your father, his Majesty. I checked all of you...your brother, Prince Maxim, Princess Annika and Duchess Anastasia. It was only you my Princess who's breathing but unconscious. I wrapped you with the towel that I accidentally brought with me. Then started to slide you while crawling until we are at the back door of the kitchen. I almost fainted with the smell of smoke and fire... "
"Oh our Princess, my beloved. I am thankful to God that we are able to saved you and the future of Oblonsky. And I'm delighted to see you grown as a fine woman with elegance. We have fought our freedom and life, in our endless concealment at the brink of Civil War. We are very lucky. Most of all, we are blessed to have my loving husband, Leonid." She said in narration.
"I thank you Nana and Leonid for keeping me safe, you are both my angel" I smiled with my sweetest response.
"It's time to bed my Princess Beatrix!" she exclaimed. "O we missed the time" she added.
"Thank you Nana". I hugged her tight.
We clean up the table and helped Nana with the dishes. Then, I started to walked up the stairs and getting into my room and freshen up with hot bath in the tub. I prepared my hot bath which is my favorite bath every night with scented oils, dried roses and lavender.
Then, I lighted my favorite scented candles in front of my vanity mirror and put another inside my shower room.
I undress myself in front of my vanity mirror that I always do before soaking to my hot bath.
And I'm looking into my whole body, in it's reflection.
O I have grown so fast, I missed my kin.
My body was molded into fine features and almost perfect.
Except...
The scar...
The scar of horrible past.
I felt numb.
And freezing..
I swiftly move and soak in to my hot bath.
Feeling the warmth, the comfort, the ease of my emotions.
Humming the song of my soul.
Singing the favorite lullaby of my Duchess mother.
"All hail the Queen of extravagance and glamour...
"Thy henchman and servants in perpetual ardor...
"Thy words are so immaculate...
"Not even a peasant could vindicate...
"You could be a knight and you could be a villain...
"You could be a follower and you could be a chieftain...
"A warrior, a woman and a Queen...
"A warrior, a woman and a Queen...
I drifted off to sleep.
The rolling thunder and lightning flashes caused so much anxieties and tremor into my body.
" Nana.. Na-na.. " I muttered.
The windows shown grim images of shadows.
I couldn't move. I'm freezing.
I cried out on top of my lungs.
"NO?!?!?"
And I'm awakened.
The water in the tub is already cold.
I quickly took my towel and slipped into my sleeping wear immediately.
Then, blow dry my hair.
To release the tension that I am feeling from my constant nightmare.
I turned on my portable radio to play some music.
And Debbie Gibson hit song "Lost in your eyes" played in the air.
Humming with the song of love.
The, I took my journal and started writing a poem.
My love,
I'm rowing my paddle when the current starts to shift,
The flow of the water changes in swift,
Fears and sadness succumb me,
When the tune of melody strikes thee.
I try to look back from where I departed,
The nurtured trees, singing birds and flowers started,
I grasp my heart and keep thy fire,
Shaping my masterpiece and a satyr.
The sun is glowing from above,
Brightens my darkness and gives off love,
I hold into the waters of my truth,
And set my sail to harvest my fruit.
Beatrix
My eyes is now tired. And my emotions is now calm. I closed my journal and turned off the radio.
I lay down in bed then doze off to sleep.
