EPISODE 4; EMMA IN ARABIA

PART I: PROSPECTIVE IN-LAW

(Somewhere in the middle of the Ocean).

Emma: Ed you demon! Archdemon! Cherudemon!

Me: Hey hey Emma, what's with the name calling? If you don't stop, I'll have to invoke censorship on your freedom of expression and we both know that won't be pretty.

Emma: Tell me how you did it! How did you rope my parents into this idea?! Bribery?!

Me: Emma, we both know the gap in our financial classes is more like a crevasse and I'm at the bottom. Where would I find the funds?

Emma: Threat?! Blackmail?!

Me: You're the only one that has that image of me in your sight-scope!

Emma: You must have done something if my parents betrothed me to you!

Me: Hmm, well…it goes something like…

HALF A MONTH AGO…

(In the Grand Colette Conglomerate, main office in France)

Comment: Sounds like a place for roulettes. Besides, it sounds like it's all made up!

(Monsieur Colette received a call from his wife hinting on the marriage of his dear beloved daughter. Excited, he rushed back home immediately).

Comment: THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF THE CONGLOMERATE FRANCAIS SETTING?!!!

Me: Dramatic effect.

B)

SETTING: LA MAISON DE MONSIEUR COLETTE…

(Both parents were seated in the family area and considering the fact that the sentence began with the letters B) , you can very well picture there was something afoot).

Mr. Colette: Garcon, would you please introduce yourself.

Me: Je m'apelle Ed M. Win Tome Bozie.

Mr. Colette: You can speak en Anglais, garcon. Je comprend.

Me: Thank you Sir.

Mr. Colette: Tell me your reason for coming here.

Me: To ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. Honeymoon, Arabia. You are making the arrangements.

Mr Colette: (An impolite lad). What is your social standing boy?

Me: Huh?

Mr Colette: Class. Your social class.

Me: Village Champion. I am known by my other alias, Legendary Lord Vega, you may have heard of me?

Mr. Colette: Hometown?

Me: I doubt you can pronounce the name Sir so let's save you the embarrassment of attempting to do so.

Mr Colette: (For an impolite lad, his anglais is classy).

Comment: The Blinkards; Colette Version.

Mr Colette: Educational background.

Me: Undergraduate.

Mr Colette: (For an impolite lad, he is shockingly honest. Wow, my mental anglais is improving already. I feel if I speak to this lad, my verbal anglais will improve even more).

Mr Colette: Dear, would you go to my room and bring out my glasses so I can examine this lad closely?

Me: (Gulp.) Oh no! It's never a good thing when glasses enter the picture.

Two minutes later…

(You don't fit the requirements for a good husband. Try again at a less classy home).

Me: Interesting to note.

Comment: Oh no! It's never a good thing from now on when he makes that statement.

Me: Well, too bad, and I thought Emma would be a good bride too. (Gets up to leave.)

(Good bride, good bride, good bride. The words echo in the ears of everyone present.)

Mr Colette: Say again?

Me: See, usually, in my culture, there's a saying, 'a woman's heart is only as good as her cooking.'

Mr Colette: UFF! UFF! UFF!

(Mrs Colette punches him in the shoulder.)

Me: Wait, Emma's not a good cook, is she?

Mr Colette: (How can I tell him in his culture; that would mean Emma doesn't have a heart).

Mr Colette: Your culture is quite a myopic one.

Mrs Colette: Darling, when did your anglais become so refined. (Wait, my anglais is improving too).

Me: Well, we have a problem. The money you so pride yourself in would be quite useless in my cultural setting. In my culture, the worth of a person is in the person himself and his abilities; not his possessions. So in my culture, a woman with infinite wealth and no home skill would be practically.........................................................................................................................................................................censorship.

(It didn't come out of my mouth ooooo! You completed the sentence yourself before you saw what was at the end. As the saying goes 'out of the horses own mouth comes the vomit'.)

Moral lesson: Don't presume to know what someone is saying before he has completed his sentence.

Mr Colette: SACRE BLEU! You insult ma fille en ma maison?! Tu t'aimes morte?!

Me: Non, Emma! Je vous aime! See, since Emma and I joined forces.............................................................................................................................................................................and so by implication, your stocks have risen by forty percent see? And I didn't even have to contribute anything.

Mr Colette: (For an impolite lad, he's rather resourceful. Even going to the extent of redefining certain terms and altering others so that you could talk trade secrets right in front of your colleagues and they won't even realize it. To think you could call an increase in profits a "Phase Two Power-up". I like how your mind works. Bien! Bien!

Comment: I don't even want to comment on the level of ignorance that brought you to this point.

Mr Colette: I would like to employ you in my services!

Me: NO! NON! IIE! ZETAI MURI! TIDAK! I DON'T THINK SO! I enjoy offering advice to others on how to work towards their goals. Unfortunately, there is nothing I detest more than "working" towards my own goals. I prefer "playing towards my goal" in what you could refer to as Never Never land where Never is simply a place so far off it is unlikely to reach.

Comment: Wow, it is amazing how you can be both ridiculous and motivational at the same time.

Me: Besides, Emma and I are going off on a date to Arabia in two weeks. I just wanted to ask you to pay for our first class tickets.

Comment: For someone asking for the hand of a girl in marriage, you're rather demanding!

Me: You think now is the time I'm asking for her hand in marriage? The most important thing is checking the parameters of your prospective in-laws. If they aren't threatening to…

AMERICA: Shoot you!

GHANA: Lash or insult you!

NIGERIA: Cutlass you!

Asking the guards to throw you out of the house is saving grace so be thankful you're still in the safe zone.

Moral Lesson: Be sure the first family meeting isn't about courtship or marriage.

(Mr Colette eyes Mrs Colette nervously and the two exchange nervous glances).

Mr Colette: Errm, Monsieur…

Me: You can call me Ed M. Win Tome Bozie.

Mr Colette: You do know Emma despises Arabia right?

Me: Pffft! Nonsense! Arabia is a pretty fun place. I'd like to see the home of the setting of movies like Prince Of…oh, that was Persia. Well the Arabian Nights! Ali-baba! Aladdin and…Sinbad!

(The Colettes dive under the dining table).

THREE YEARS AGO:

Mr Colette: Emma, pack your bags, we're off on a family vacation!

Emma: Exciting! Where to dad?!

Mrs Colette: Your dad booked a flight to Arabia!

Emma: Ara…what?! Please tell me you just said the Arad Desert!

Mr Colette: We get to see your cousin Sin! Isn't it exciting?!

Emma: SSSSSSIIIIIINNNNNNBAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD?!!!!!!!!!

(Performs a 180 degree turn and heads to her room. Her parents follow her closely. Emma picks up a remote control and presses a button, her wardrobe opens up revealing a glassy interior. Collections of mobile devices line the wardrobe.)

Emma: Samsung Galaxy S Class, Samsung Galaxy Fame, Ace, Tab. No, these won't do. IPHONE 5, 6…NAH! Aha! My Nokia collection. Nokia Lumia…nah, too sparkly. Nokia Asha...

Monsieur Colette: SACRE BLEU! MA CHERIE, she is reaching for…!

EMMA: Nokia E75! Cos it will hurt to be downed by an old model. (Dials…waits for dial tone.) General Segundo? Could you patch me over to Natsu Dragneel?

G. Segundo: You've taken quite a liking to this young lad, why is that Emma.

Emma: (Smirk) Everyone is well aware of the fact that, it only takes Natsu Dragneel to show up for a natural disaster to occur. Could you please prepare transfer documents. I have an assignment for him…

G. Segundo: The last time, you sent him over to Nankonkom and I'll have you know that didn't turn out so well.

Emma: Doesn't matter. My cousin has escaped countless assassins but I doubt he'd escape blowing up an entire region off the map!

Mr. Colette: (Gunshot! The Nokia E75 drops to the ground in pieces! Sorry Emma but if I have to choose between your Nokia E75 and having a yanderic daughter, I don't mind killing two birds with one stone.

Mrs Colette: Cherie?! Why use a shotgun. I could hand you a Walther PPK!

Emma: ACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKkKKKKK!!!!!! (Stares in shock!)

Mr Colette: To your room lassie!

Emma: This is my room.

Mr Colette: Over and out! (Leaves and bangs the door behind him).

HALF A MONTH TO THE PRESENT…

Ed views the flashback in the form of a projection above the Colettes' heads.

ED: Monsieur Colette! New Respect, I salute you!

Comment: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You nearly blew off your daughter's ear!

Mr Colette: Leave it to me! I'll handle the tickets! When asked, tell the Captain you're 'The Prospective Colette'.

PRESENTLY…

Ed: And there you have it!

Emma: What a wishy washy tale. So tell me prospective husband…WHY ARE WE IN A CANOE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN?!

Ed: That tale went like this…

FIVE HOURS AGO:

Announcement to all passengers! We're nearing the Arabian Port. Travel papers will be reviewed!

Ed: Emma dear, wait right here while I go have a talk with the Captain.

Emma: I hope you're made to walk the plank; then all my troubles will be over.

Ed: You forget, I'm as resilient as a roach despite my weak frame.

Emma: How I wish that wasn't true.

CAPTAIN'S CABIN:

Ed: Sir, I have a tip for you, there is a passenger I've heard your men murmur about. He goes by the title 'The Prospective Colette'. Is there a bounty on his head?

Cap'n: Don't know where you heard that but that must mean you're a bounty hunter. Unfortunately, that one is worth nothing. Our orders were to dump him in a canoe three days away from port.

Ed: UFF! UFF! UFF! (Damn you Mr Colette! A gun would have been much better).

Moral Lesson: Never trust anyone who asks you to use a password in contacting a third party. The password might just mean your termination.

DECK…TWO HOURS LATER; THREE HOURS EARLIER FROM THE PRESENT…

Ed: Emma, is your dad psychotic?

Emma: He destroyed my Nokia E75 with a shotgun while I was still holding it. What does that tell you?!

Ed: (For a jerk, he's pretty damn cool!) He's a jerk. Well, we're close to Arabia. Why don't we get off early, a romantic boat ride; just the two of us.

Emma: (Raises eyebrow). Ed? What are you up to? Whenever romance pops up, it means you're scheming.

Ed: (I forgot her hatred for copyright means she's the queen of clichés. Something like that won't work on her twice). Emma, I've got something to tell you…Sinbad just left the Arabian Coast. He's headed in this direction.

Emma: (Leaps into a canoe!) I don't wish to see him! I'd rather meet Davie Jones!

Ed: Now we finally agree on something. (Wow, that was easy).

PRESENTLY:

Ed: So you've got no right to complain just in case we get to meet Davie Jones.

Emma: I'm so far beyond hating you right now. Detest would be a confession of love.

Ed: Considering the pinch we're in now, your anglais is rather refined.

Emma: Say that again and I'm throwing you overboard.

Ed: My ideal image of a deportation was you in tomato crates. It's no fun when I'm also reaping consequences.

Emma: Since it was your idea, you might as well enjoy our mutual partnership in this ridiculous scheme of torment you cooked up.

Ed: Cooked up! UFF! UFF! UFF!

Emma: Ed…you know don't you?

Ed: That you don't have a hear…UFF! UFF! I mean, lack cooking skill.

Emma: The only reason I refuse to learn how to cook is…unlike ideas, there is a limited supply of cooking ingredients and tasting food people label with their names and hence term their original piece is like me shaking hands with a copyright protection agency. We're just that incompatible.

Ed: Ridiculous! Haaaa, Arabia's sun is scorching.

Emma: Hmmph! That's rich coming from someone who lives on the equator.

Ed: I'm hungry. Can't you cook some fish?

Emma: Go jump in a black hole while it absorbs the force of a hypernova.

Ed: I look forward to our 'prospective marriage'.

12 HOURS LATER:

(Emma opens her eyes.)

Man: Mistress Emma, we're so glad we found you in time. Don't worry, we're near the Port.

Emma: Which port?

Sailors: Port Harcourt, Port Royale and all other Portmanteau!

???: Well hello cuz. If it isn't my notorious copyright infringing cousin who bears the name 'Immaculate'. You need to find a new hobby.

Emma: And I'm forced to wonder whether you're a hero, villain or anti-hero. I find it rather hard to believe that a 'hero' could bear a name that personifies every form of ill; Sinbad!

ED: IT HAS BEGUN!!! Wait a sec, THE SINBAD?!

TO BE CONTINUED…!!!