Soo Yon-A Glimmer in the Dark

I was standing on a familiar rooftop. My vision was hazy; the whole place was foggy. All I could make out, was a slim silhouette in front of me. The person turned around. I could not see the person clearly, but I knew I must reach out. I must stop the person!

'Soo-Yon...' I heard a faint voice, calling out for me. No! I must get to that person before it is too late. I reached out to grab the person.

'NO!' I cried out. 'Get back here!'

I ran forward, with my hand stretched out, hoping to stop that person. Don't do it! I pleaded internally. But the fog blurred my vision. I could not see where I was running. The only thing I knew was that if I failed to reach that person today, I will never be able to forgive myself.

'Soo-Yon...' the voice called out again. The silhouette in front of me leaned back. The person let go of the railing. My hand, which reached out to grab that person, only grasped air.

'NOOOOOO!'

I woke up with a start. My whole body was drenched in sweat. The loose t-shirt I wore, clung to me abdomen and my breathing was getting uneven. My hands began to tremble. I shook them roughly but the trembling would not stop. I tried to take a deep breath but air was getting stuck in my lungs. Soon, my body temperature began to drop and the panic attack was getting worse.

I stumbled off the bed and crawled towards the dresser opposite the room. I dragged myself up and rummaged through the dresser's drawer till I found a small medicine bottle. I violently shook out a couple of pills from it and washed them down with a glass of water which was placed on top of the dresser.

Slowly, my breathing was becoming even and I was able to calm down. I collapsed on the bed. The dream reappeared after two years. I did not dream of that person during my military service. I thought that was the end of it. But after coming back to the industry, the dream also returned. I clenched my fists.

'Darn it!' I cried, punching the bed post. Can I ever escape this unending hell?

No, I thought sardonically. This is my punishment for failing.

I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. After a while, I took out my phone and logged onto my Instagram account. I pressed the "Go Live" button. Whenever I had panic attacks, I followed it up with a random Instagram Live with my followers.

'Hey peeps!' I waved at the followers on live. Instantly, thousands of messages poured on screen.

'Oppa! How r u?'

'Saranghae Soo-Yon'

'Yuck! What an ugly dude.'

'What's the old fart doing up so late.'

I noted down all the negative messages. These never surprised me. Everyone wanted to take out their hatred for their own lives on someone. They would direct their frustrations at some whose life they envied. Sometimes, I wished I could tell them to f**k off. But I cannot do that. The charismatic and gentle leader of TNT cannot do that.

A text message flashed through my phone. It was Cheng. He must be seeing my live feed.

'Hyung,' he wrote. 'Are you alright? Did you get another panic attack?'

I sighed and replied back. 'Don't worry. I'm fine. Go back to sleep :)'

I went back to my live feed.

'Do you all want me to sing something?' I asked my followers. Immediately, messages insisting that I sing propped up.

I took a deep breath and start singing.

'There is a stage in the sky

I see you dancing there

Carefree and happy

You smile like there is no tomorrow

All by yourself

While I seek you out on rainy days

You dance among the clouds

But don't you worry about being yourself

No one will blame you for what you are'

I finished the song with a high note. The followers sent their love react and appreciation. My inbox was probably going to explode with the sheer amount of messages it was receiving. I turned off my live feed when another text message popped up on my phone. I opened it.

'Sometimes, on my bad days, your songs gave me the strength to keep moving. Thank you for giving me that glimmer of hope. I hope someday, you'll see that glimmer too- Mia.'

For the first time that night, I smiled. For a while, I forgot what bothered me in the first place.