31. The New Normal

Maya wakes to her normal morning alarm at six a.m., except there is something very not normal about today. The sound of gentle snoring next to her, the lazy arm slung over her stomach and the hot breath against her neck reminds her that she has a permanent bedfellow now. Not just an overnight visitor, but someone who occupies a space in her life – and her apartment.

Carina has been living with her for only forty-eight hours and already Maya feels lighter than she has since the pandemic began. There is something to be said about facing this messed-up world together, of having each other’s backs when things get hard. Carina is such a gentle force compared to her own intensity, and Maya knows that she is already having a calming effect on her.

She turns off the alarm quickly but not before Carina grunts at the interruption to her slumber, although she refuses to open her eyes. It is her day off from work and Maya knows her well enough to know that there is no way she is going to get up early when she doesn’t have to. She leans over and plants a kiss on her temple, then slides out of her grasp.

It is harder to get out of bed for a run with Carina in it, she will admit, but Maya relies on her routine to keep in her check, especially during the stress of the pandemic. She never knows how much time she might have to work out in the station gym, since there is no way of knowing how busy a shift might be, and her body needs to work off the excess energy and tension she carries. She slips into her running gear and forces herself outside, ignoring the piles of unpacked boxes that clutter her usually tidy apartment.

Their apartment, she has to keep correcting herself.

It is a strange thought but one that feels good. Maybe it is a cliché but it is like she woke up with a smile on her face this morning knowing that Carina would be there, and will be there every morning from now on.

Carina is still asleep when she gets back from her run and Maya creeps into the bathroom to shower without disturbing her. A spare bottle of Carina’s shampoo has been resident in her apartment for the last couple of months, but now there is more of her stuff scattered on the marbled surface – her toothbrush, an assortment of creams and moisturisers, and does she really need two different brands of eye cream? Not to mention the bras that hang from the hooks to dry.

Maybe they need an extra vanity unit for storage, Maya thinks, to keep things more ordered.

She doesn’t want to be the person who starts instilling rules on her girlfriend the moment she moves in. Maya grew up with rules and order and lectures the second something was left out of place, due to her father’s watchful eye on everything they did, and she doesn’t want to be that person. She doesn’t want to be like him. So she leaves Carina’s toiletries where they are and ignores the irritation that bubbles inside of her, telling herself that it is just for a few days until Carina gets settled and she gets used to sharing her space with someone else.

Because she is happy, and she wants this, and she won’t let her father’s legacy on her life deny her the chance to build a life with the woman she loves for the sake of a bit of clutter.

She is surprised to find that their bed is empty when she steps out of the ensuite, the sound of clattering coming from the kitchen. Her head instinctively turns towards the door where she lifts her nose and inhales. Whatever Carina is cooking, it smells amazing.

Maya throws on some clothes and steps out of the bedroom to find Carina next to the stove, where she has just served up one portion of French toast and is currently grilling another. She doesn’t notice Maya at first, humming to herself as she sprinkles powdered sugar over the dish. Maya stands back and watches her for a moment, her eyes flicking to the chalk board on the wall that Carina has already changed to read ‘Buongiorno’. It draws a smile to her face and she wanders into the kitchen.

“Uh, I usually just make a protein shake and drink it on my way to work,” Maya says as she presses herself against Carina’s back and slides her hands around her waist, dropping a quick kiss on her bare shoulder.

Enticing her with something less healthy but far more delicious, Carina offers her a mouthful of warm, thick brioche, its crisp edges sticky with maple syrup. It practically melts against her tongue, an explosion of sweetness waking up her tastebuds.

“Hmm, okay, that might be better than sex,” she declares, groaning with delight.

Carina laughs. “That sounds like a challenge!”

Maya steps away and leans against the refrigerator, sighing. “I feel guilty being this happy when people are dying every day.”

It is a feeling that Carina knows too well. “Hmm, you feel guilty that Warren is not seeing his wife and kids, and we’re here in the shack?” She takes a plate of food to the table, which is already set for breakfast for two.

Maya turns, following her, a look of confusion on her face. “In the shack?”

“On the shack?” Carina suggests, her lips twisting as she tries to figure out what she is trying to say. “What is it?”

“Oh, you mean ‘shacking up’?” Maya says.

“Yeah,” Carina says, giggling at her own mistake. Her English is excellent but some of these idioms just don’t make sense to her. What the hell does ‘shacking up’ mean anyway?

Maya laughs and Carina steps up to her, grabbing her hips and pulling her closer. Maya’s hands cup her face and she draws her in for a kiss. Her lips are still sweet from the sugary syrup she has just enjoyed and they both can’t stop smiling, pushing aside their guilt to enjoy their shared happiness.

“Shacking up,” Carina repeats, heading back to the stove to retrieve the second piece of toast.

“Yes.”

“Shacking up. We’re here, shacking up.”

It is then that Maya finally takes in the chaos of the apartment; barely enough space for the two of them at the dining table thanks to the boxes that sit there. Carina’s art work adorns the walls, her books fill the shelves, and Maya feels her body tense at the mess. She tries to shake it off, reminding herself that they would have got further into the unpacking process if they hadn’t fallen into bed halfway through the day and stayed there, making up for the few weeks they spent apart.

Carina comes up from behind her and places a bowl of strawberries and blueberries on the table, to accompany the French toast, leaving a kiss on Maya’s cheek as she passes her. It makes Maya feel guilty for being so wound up by the mess when her girlfriend has got out of bed early to make her breakfast before work. She hears a voice in the back of her head telling her that she doesn’t deserve this, that she hasn’t earned such kindness; a voice that sounds vaguely like her father, and she hushes it.

“Thank you,” she says, forcing a smile. “This is really lovely.”

“I know the apartment’s still messy,” Carina says, as if reading her body language. “But it’ll be a lot tidier by the time you get home tomorrow, I promise.”

A little comforted by her reassurance, Maya sits down on one of the chairs and tucks into her French toast, ignoring the chaos and choosing instead to focus on the culinary masterpiece that her girlfriend has made.

Twenty-four hours later, Maya sits on a bench outside the hospital near the staff entrance, doing her best to keep out of sight of the security team who will move her on if they spot her hanging around. There are no visitors to the hospital at the moment, only those who are seeking medical treatment are allowed to be here to reduce the risk of spreading the virus. There is no busy thoroughfare like there usually is, and it feels eery and sad.  

Some people sit in their cars while their loved ones are inside, reading books or listening to music; some nervously tapping the steering wheel as they wait impatiently for news.

Maya feels the guilt returning as she remembers how happy she is now that Carina is waking up next to her each morning; how she smiles when she hears Carina’s slightly out-of-tune singing as she showers; how her heart leaps now that every day starts with a kiss. She still doubts that she deserves to be this happy, she still isn’t sure that she won’t totally screw this up. It’s not like she has a great track record of long term relationships, she was always taught to view them as a distraction.

And yes, she is learning day-by-day that those lessons were wrong, but her brain isn’t always wired to see it. At least she has Andy, who understands her and will call her out when she is being an idiot. She has Carina, too, who has already seen the worst of her and somehow found it in her heart to forgive her, and now makes her breakfast before work. Maya doesn’t want to ruin that by telling her that she is freaking out over French toast.

She thinks about what Andy said yesterday, about how she never felt safe around the breakfast table as a kid. It’s not like every day was bad and scary growing up, she has some happy memories from her childhood. But she sees it for what it was now; that her father set the tone every day and until they knew what kind of mood he was in, there would be an uneasy feeling in all of them. If Lane Bishop was in a good mood, they would be calm and relaxed. But if he was in a bad mood? Then they knew to tread lightly around him, to do as they were told and not upset him in fear of making it worse.

Maya doesn’t want to be like him; she doesn’t want to be the one who sets the tone every day, to have Carina waiting to see what kind of mood she is in when she wakes up in the morning. Wasn’t it supposed to be easier now that she has acknowledged and accepted her father’s actions when she was a kid? Except she can’t change who she is overnight and who she is… broken. At least, that’s how it feels, and she has no idea how to fix herself.

Her thoughts turn to her mom and how she found the strength to walk away from the man she had been married to for almost forty years. Maya knows she is struggling, her job at the doctor’s office is busy and stressful, and when Maya spoke to her a couple of days ago she could hear in her voice how overwhelmed she is feeling. It is no surprise, they are in the middle of a pandemic and she has only just started working after years of staying at home. What worries her more is the way her mom casually dropped into the conversation that Lane has been messaging her, telling her that she can give up her job and move home, that he will forgive her and take care of her. She tells Maya that she won’t do it, but Maya isn’t so sure about that. She knows how easy it would be for her mom to slip back into her old life.

Maya had promised to stop by and visit her (from an acceptable distance), but she hasn’t had the time yet, between work and Carina moving in. She knows she needs to make the time and resolves to stop by to check in later this morning.

She is still hopeful that her mom will have heard from Mason. She thinks of him often and hopes he is staying safe. She sees the way Carina is struggling with being so far away from her family in Italy, especially as they keep falling sick. Mason is somewhere nearby, she thinks – she hopes – and yet he feels further away.

“Penny for your thoughts,” a familiar voice interrupts her.

“Hmm?” Maya says absentmindedly, looking up to see Carina towering over her, her slim figure blocking the morning sun.

Carina sits down on the bench next to her. “Are you okay?” she asks, a concerned look on her face.

“Yeah,” Maya says, with a small shake of her head. “I was just lost in thought for a minute.” She reaches down to pick up the two takeout coffee cups by her feet. “Here, I brought you a gift.”

Carina is curious as she takes the coffee cup, her face breaking out into a smile when she sees the logo of her favourite local coffee shop.

“Fenton’s? I thought they closed down?” She takes a sip, humming in delight at the taste of her favourite Italian coffee beans.

Maya feels a warmth in her chest at how a simple cup of coffee can bring her girlfriend so much joy. “It turns out they bought a food truck and converted it, I found them by the park on my way here. I guess it’s cheaper than paying rent.”

Like so many businesses, Carina’s favourite coffee shop hadn’t survived the pandemic, the usual flow of early morning commuters now working from home and causing a big deficit in their finances. Carina had been heartbroken when she had turned up one morning to find a ‘closed’ sign on the front door, the little taste of home stolen from her.

“Thank you, bella,” Carina says. The coffee cup in her left hand, she reaches out with her right hand and wraps it around Maya’s, squeezing it. Maya runs her thumb over the back of Carina’s hand.

“Is this allowed?” Maya asks cheekily.

Carina has strict rules about how close they can get to each other after a shift until they have stripped their clothes and showered, still nervous about bringing the virus home to each other.

Carina shrugs. “So, are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?”

“Can’t I just stop by after a shift to see my girlfriend?” Maya says.

“Yes, of course,” Carina says with a sweet smile, “but I think there’s more to it than that.”

Carina has this unnerving way of being able to read her when she there is something on her mind, and she feels the alarm bells of her in-built security system going off again. Because living together is different from the occasional overnight stays, and Carina is going to get to know her even better now. And it’s what she wants but also want she is most afraid of, because it means that Carina will get to see who she really is, including the parts of her that have been moulded by her father.

When Maya doesn’t respond, Carina prompts her. “Was it a bad shift?”

“Hmm? No, it was okay. We had a couple of call outs, an electrical fire at an apartment that was home to a group of drag queens.” A smile crosses her face as she remembers their eccentricity. “There was a small explosion, Dean caught the worst of it.”

Carina’s face darkens. She hates to hear stories of Maya’s team getting hurt and always worries that Maya will be next. She knows that, as captain, her job is to control the situation, not to go running into burning buildings, but it still unsettles her. Seeing Maya, safe and healthy beside her, calms her anxiety and she pushes the thought from her mind.

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah, it was a dislocated knee. He’ll be fine, he got checked out at Seattle Pres.” She skips the part about Jack popping it back into place in the back of the aid car, never sure of how Carina will react to his name. “I’ll stick him on desk duty for the next week and he’ll probably moan about it,” Maya says with a wry smile.  

“Are you having second thoughts about letting Sullivan work at the station?” Carina asks. She knows Maya had mixed feelings about his hearing today and was under pressure from Andy to support him, despite the lingering resentment she can’t help but feel towards him. At least Sullivan had the sense to ask her to stay away – not that she had listened. Carina knew from Maya’s text messages yesterday that the team had shown up in solidarity to fight for him. He is like a cat with nine lives, she thinks – always landing on his feet.

“No, he’s a good firefighter and he deserves a second chance,” Maya says. After all, she was given a second chance. “The team are on board with it. Well, everyone except Miller.” She has a sinking feeling in her stomach when she remembers the last time she had two firefighters at war.  

Carina knows where her mind has gone. “You’re thinking of Rigo?”

“How can I not?” Maya says wearily. “I can’t let that happen again.”

“You won’t,” Carina says with the confidence that Maya doesn’t possess right now. “So if it’s not a bad shift and not Sullivan, what’s going on?”

“Andy and Sullivan are living apart,” Maya says.

“They broke up?” Carina asks in surprise.

“No, just ninety days while he recovers from his operation,” Maya says. “Apparently it was Amelia’s idea, to make sure he takes care of himself properly.”

“I suppose after losing her dad and finding her mom, Amelia’s worried he’ll be more focussed on Andy than himself,” Carina notes. “That’s tough for Andy though.”

“Yeah, she’s been sleeping at the station,” Maya says.

She glances sideways at Carina, whose expression doesn’t give away what she is thinking.

“So I, uh, I told her she could move in with us,” Maya says slowly. “Just until the ninety days is over.”  

Carina’s eyebrows arch. This isn’t exactly the moving in gift she was hoping for, their new domestic bliss now interrupted by a visitor in their guest room. She has a sense that, despite asking her to move in, Maya is struggling with the big change in her life, that the mess and chaos of moving in has disrupted her in a way that she perhaps wasn’t expecting. Carina gets it, she has lived alone all her adult life too and it is weird for her to move into someone else’s home instead of creating one from scratch. It is going to take them both some time to get used to.  

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it before I ask her,” Maya continues, knowing how pissed she would be if Carina did the same to her. “It’s just that she doesn’t have anywhere else to go.”

She doesn’t tell her that having Andy there feels like a safety net while she gets used to their new living arrangement; that having another person there will mean that Andy can listen to her frustrations instead of Carina, so that she has some chance of not making a mess of their relationship.

“Okay,” Carina says eventually.

“Okay?”

“Si, no-one should be alone in this mess of a world right now,” Carina says, knowing how lonely she has felt over the last few weeks. She knows that it can’t be fun living at the fire station right now. “You’d do the same if it was Andrea.”

“Of course I would,” Maya says immediately.

“Besides, it will give me a chance to get to know her better,” Carina says. She hasn’t really spent any time with Maya’s friends since they started dating and she wants to get to know them, and for them to get to see the side of Maya that she reserves for her.

“I’d like that,” Maya says. “Thank you. You’re amazing, you know that?”

Carina smiles. “I just hope she brings her ear plugs with her.”

“Ear plugs?” Maya says, a confused frown on her face.

“Well, you did say that my French toast was better than sex,” Carina says with a teasing smile. “And I plan on proving you wrong tonight.”