29. Weather The Storm

When her alarm goes off at six-thirty a.m., Carina hits the snooze button and rolls over, burying her face into the pillow. She has never been one to jump out of bed, but the desire to stay under the covers is bigger than it has ever been.

“I love my job, I love my job,” she mumbles to herself as she extends her arms and legs, stretching her muscles and feeling them pop as they wake up.

It’s true, she loves being a doctor and seeing the joy in her patients’ faces as their families grow, but every day feels hard right now. Every day she walks into the hospital hoping that it will be different – better – than the day before, that she won’t have a patient who isn’t getting the care they deserve because of Covid restrictions and protocols.

Every day is a disappointment. Every day she is angry and frustrated.

Yet, every day she gets up and goes to work and does her job, because she knows that, despite all of the fear and sadness in the world right now, she can make a difference to someone’s life. When a baby is delivered, the pandemic falls away, and she gets to share their joy, just for a moment.

Her eyes start to drop and she hauls herself out of bed, heading straight to the shower to wake herself up. She stays under the hot water for longer than she usually would, letting it cleanse her of the negative feelings she wakes up with. She doesn’t want to become a person who drags herself into work, she knows she has to stay positive otherwise she won’t survive this.

She emerges just as her phone pings and she picks it up from its spot on her bedside table, opening the message waiting for her. It is a photo from Maya, a selfie showing off the sweat and glow caused by her early morning run. She looks at the text that accompanies it.

Woke up missing you a lot. Went for a run to try and work off some of that energy but I still miss you. A LOT.

Carina smirks. There used to be mornings when Maya would wake her up with wandering hands and keen lips, and she would willingly be Maya’s ‘exercise’ for the day. There is only so much that sex toys and video calls can satisfy them while they are apart, and as her eyes sweep over Maya’s glistening skin, she feels her body tingle. If only Maya was here, she thinks to herself.

She takes a photo, letting the towel slip down just enough to tease, and sends it to Maya without a caption. She gets a reply within seconds.

MEAN!

Carina chuckles. She sends another quick message.

I miss you too. Talk to you later?

She watches the three dots flash.

Definitely. I’ll Facetime you when I get to work. I want to see you.

Carina tosses her phone on the bed. Her mood is a little lighter than it had been just a few minutes ago and she gets ready for work with a small spring in her step.

An hour later and she is settled at her desk, scrolling through her appointment schedule, when there is a knock at her door.

“Come in,” she calls out, as she grabs a mask and hooks it over her ears.

Her heart lifts when her baby brother walks through the door.

“Andrea!” she greets him. “I haven’t seen you for a few days, is everything okay?”

He can see her looking him over, as if checking for signs of mania or depression or lack of sleep. It has been a couple of weeks now since he moved out of her house and he is doing well, but he knows that doesn’t stop Carina from worrying about him.

“I’m fine, Carina,” he says pointedly. “Are you?”

She flinches at his question, knowing the answer and wondering how honest she should be with him about how hard she has been finding it. She doesn’t want to burden him, so she simply shrugs. “I’m okay.”

“Really? Because I heard you yelled at an intern yesterday and that’s not like you.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “He’s an idiota! He didn’t know the difference between his Elliott forceps and Piper forceps!”

Despite the surgical mask he wears, Andrew’s face twitches as if he is trying not to smile. “Carina, I don’t know the difference between Elliott forceps and Piper forceps.”

“Well, you’re an idiota too!”

Despite trying to make light of it, she sighs. She knows she was too hard on the young doctor yesterday and she plans to apologise the next time she sees him. She sinks back in her chair.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Andrew asks solemnly, not letting her off the hook easily.

“I’m just tired,” Carina admits.

Tired of the pandemic, tired of the horror and loss she sees every day, tired of going home to an empty house and eating alone every night, tired of going to bed without another body to hold. Except she doesn’t know how to convey all this in words, so she doesn’t.

“Have you spoken to Maya lately?” Andrew asks, knowing how happier she makes Carina.

“We talked last night,” Carina says. He has a look on his face that is usually followed by a lecture and she cuts him off before he has chance to say anything. “We’re fine. Being apart sucks, but we’re doing okay.”

Andrew doesn’t look convinced. “I just think you’d be doing better if you quarantined together.”

It is not the first time that he has said it and every time he does, Carina feels more and more tempted. But then she remembers all the sacrifices that people are making every day to keep safe, including Doctor Bailey, and she puts a stop to the thought.

Her pager starts to beep and she is grateful for the distraction from this conversation.

“I have to go,” she says, grabbing her lab coat from the back of her chair as she stands up.

“Lunch later?” Andrew suggests. “Socially distanced, of course.”

They have done it a couple of times – Carina at her desk, Andrew on the sofa on the other side of the room. It is the closest thing to normal she has in this strange world, even if one of them usually gets interrupted by another emergency.

“Si, if we have time,” Carina says.

She wants to hug him, to feel the force of having someone’s arms around her, but she can’t – so she slips out of the room and makes her way to the triage area outside, where she is greeted by Owen.

“Nicola Penn, thirty-two years old. Thirty-six weeks’ pregnant, complaining of stomach cramps,” he says.

Carina frowns. “And you didn’t bring her inside?”

Owen nods towards the hospital’s parking lot. “She won’t get out the car. This is baby number four and she’s pretty sure it’s Braxton Hicks, but it’s baby number one for her wife and she insisted they come in to get her checked out.”

Carina smiles. Chilled mamas-to-be with fussy partners are usually fun (barring any complications). “Okay, thanks.” She looks over her shoulder and spots Taryn. “Helm, can you grab me a wheelchair please?”

It is easy to spot her patient – or, rather, her patient’s wife, who is hopping up and down impatiently for Carina to arrive. She manages to persuade the mama to come inside for a quick check up and, once she is settled on a bed, agrees that they are Braxton Hicks contractions.

“Nothing to worry about,” Carina tells them. “I recommend you go home and try to relax, take a bath. If it’s uncomfortable to sit for too long, try walking around a little bit. They’ll probably ease off after a few hours.”

“Are you sure?” the patient’s wife asks.

“Chloe, honey, Doctor DeLuca knows what she’s talking about,” Nicola says gently, shooting Carina an apologetic look at the same time.

Carina gives her a little nod, standing back and watching as Chloe helps Nicola off the bed and back into the wheelchair. She watches the tenderness with which the wives treat each other and she can’t help but think of Maya again.

“Helm, will you take Nicola back to her car, please?”

“Of course, Doctor DeLuca,” Taryn says obediently.

Carina reaches for her cell phone as she steps away from them, bringing up Maya’s name and hitting the call button. She doesn’t care that she’s walking through the hospital, the need to see her girlfriend too strong.

“Hey. You beat me to it!” she says.

Carina can see her sat at her desk. “I was feeling impatient,” she admits.

Maya’s eyebrows shoot upwards. “Oh yeah?” She stands and walks over to the captain’s bunk, placing the iPad on the desk. “Impatient for what?”

Carina is glad that her smirk is hidden by her mask. “To see your face.”

“Just my face?” Maya teases. She pulls open the buttons of her shirt to her naval, exposing her toned abs and the lacy red bra she has purposely worn today knowing they would be video calling each other at some point. “And what if I did that?” she says, laughing.

Carina takes off her goggles to shamelessly get a better look. “You are a very mean fire captain, you know that, right?”

“I mean, you could come in and visit me at work,” Maya points out.

“It’s not safe,” Carina reminds her. “Think about all the people we’re both interacting with.”

“Okay, well, this is torture,” Maya says, her sexual frustration spilling out into grumpiness. “It’s been three weeks now!”

“I know, but if my boss is not seeing her husband, I’m not gonna see my girlfriend,” Carina says.

“What about just a super short little visit?” Maya says. “No kissing on the mouth.”

“Not safe and, I suspect, imposible.” There is no way she would be able to keep her hands off Maya if they were in the privacy of her office.

Maya opens up her shirt wider. “I mean, aren’t you just a little curious?” Before Carina can respond, there is a knock on Maya’s office door. “Crap! I have to go do my job now. My other job,” she says, annoyed but laughing too.

“Okay,” Carina says, grinning despite being disappointed that their call is over so quickly. “It is a little wrong how happy you make me when I'm at work, in a hospital, in the middle of a pandemic.”

“You're welcome,” Maya says gleefully, before ending the call.

Carina shoves her phone back in her pocket, trying to hide the wide smile she wears under her PPE. She doesn’t get very far towards her office when another page comes in, causing her to turn on her heel and head back to the triage area outside. She treats a mama-to-be with Covid who is panicking about what will happen to her baby after reading too many unsubstantiated reports on the internet. It takes her half an hour to calm her down, more worried about her high blood pressure than her Covid diagnosis.

Her morning is brightened by another message from Maya, this time in a sleeveless top and baseball cap, sat on an exercise bike in the station’s gym – accompanied by another message grumbling about her sexual frustrations that Carina isn’t there to satisfy. She can’t deny that there isn’t a big part of her that wishes she was, she misses Maya more than she thought she would – not just the sexy times, but the small moments too, when it is just the two of them, alone in her house or Maya’s apartment. Although she has been practising Maya’s trick of closing her eyes and imagining her physical presence, sometimes it is just not enough.  

Andrew joins her for lunch and they enjoy each other’s company for nearly twenty minutes before he is called away to another emergency. Carina uses the time alone to catch up on some paperwork, until she is called away to the pit. Her patient is already in a trauma room, where Andrew waits for her. A nurse squeezes a dollop of gel onto the young woman’s belly.

“What do we have?” she asks as she steps into the room.

“Heather Noakes, nineteen years old, twenty-eight weeks’ pregnant. She’s been spotting for the last couple of weeks, on and off, but this morning it was worse.”

Carina greets her patient. “Hello Heather, I’m Doctor DeLuca…”

“Wait, isn’t he Doctor DeLuca?” Heather says, confused.

“Yes, he’s my little brother,” Carina says, shooting Andrew a smile.

“Not so little,” Andrew objects.

Heather smiles, despite her obvious nerves. “Is my baby okay?”

“Let’s have a look,” Carina says calmly, nodding at Andrew to carry out the scan.

Andrew moves the doppler, spreading the gel over the patient’s bump, and Carina watches the screen as the image appears. A small frown crinkles her forehead that Andrew catches. Her studies the screen himself.

“Placenta previa?”

“Si,” Carina says with a nod.

“Placenta what?” Heather asks. “What does that mean?”

“Placenta previa,” Carina repeats. “It means that your placenta is covering the opening of your uterus, when it shouldn’t be. It’s what is causing the bleeding.”

“Is it hurting my baby?” Heather asks.

“It can cause complications,” Carina says. “It didn’t get picked up on your last scan?”

Heather blushes, her cheeks turning a light pink. “I… uh, didn’t go to my last scan. Covid, you know? My neighbour went into hospital and caught it while he was there. I didn’t want that to happen to me, I didn’t want to do anything that might hurt my baby.”

She is not the first person to have done so, and Carina knows she won’t be the last.

“Have you felt any contractions or tightening around your belly?”

“Um, some, last night,” Heather admits.

That worries her, but she hides it. “Okay. I’d like to do a different kind of ultrasound, where we check you inside, and then I’d like to admit you so that we can monitor you.”

“What? Why?” Heather asks, shuffling up the bed and looking like she is going to try and swing her legs off the bed, clearly agitated by the idea.

“Because we need to make sure that you and your baby are okay, and that the little bambina stays where she is,” Carina says. “With placenta previa, there is a risk of early labour and we don’t want that.”

Heather looks terrified and Carina places a hand on her arm, placating her. “It’ll be okay, we’ve got you now,” she assures her. “Are you here by yourself?”

“The baby’s dad didn’t want to know. My mom’s outside, her name’s Barbara. She’s wearing a green jacket,” Heather says. “Can she come with me?”

“No, Heather, I’m sorry, she can’t,” Carina says, feeling guilty. “I’m going to go and see her, and let her know what’s going on. The other Doctor DeLuca will take you upstairs to the OB ward and I’ll meet you there, okay?”

The small team of nurses start to roll the bed out into the pit and towards the elevators.

“You’re really good with her,” Andrew says, his eyes shining with pride from behind his face shield.

Carina returns his smile, touched by her brother’s words. They both step out of the room and Carina walks in the opposite direction to her patient, heading towards the triage point outside. She is almost at the door when she suddenly hears her name being called.

“Carina!” Andrew yells. “We need you!”

Carina turns to see them rushing Heather back into the trauma room. Her body is slumped and dark red blood stains the sheet that covers her.

Carina’s chest tightens.

Not another one. Not again.

“She’s haemorrhaging,” Andrew says as she walks into the room.

Realising quickly that she needs to stop the bleeding, and without any time to spare, Carina grabs a scalpel and opens up Heather’s bump, barking orders at the team. They jump to her commands, except it is no good. The baby is delivered three months’ early and Nurse Bokhee holds her for the seven minutes she breathes, while Carina and Andrew work together to try and save their patient.

They fail.

Another life lost.

“Time of death, fifteen forty-nine,” Andrew says glumly.

Carina feels the anger rising up inside of her and lets out a low growl.

“Carina?” Andrew asks.

She shakes her head. “I… I can’t do this,” is all Carina says before she rushes out the room. She ignores everyone around her as she heads out the nearest door, escaping into the fresh air just as Helm is moving a patient inside. She rips her mask from her face and cries out, as if vocalising her feelings will help expel them from her body.

It doesn’t work.

She sees Warren walk up to her.

“I lost another mom,” she says before he has chance to ask her if she is okay. “That's three in the past month. That's three more than I've ever lost in my entire career until this year.” She barely takes a breath as she rants. “Porca miseria. I got into O.B. to bring new life into this world, not to call time of death on mothers, and babies.”

She sighs, heavy with grief, and paces up and down, trying to calm herself. Ben watches her and she realises the poor guy didn’t ask to be a sounding board for her frustrations.

“I'm sorry,” she says woefully.

“No, it's okay,” Ben says sympathetically.

Except they both know that’s not true.

“No,” Carina says. “It's not okay.” Her voice trembles. “It's just… it's not. She was nineteen. She had placenta previa. She was skipping her hospital check-ups because she was afraid.” It is a common theme for her right now. “So she got here too late, and her mom…” She has to take a deep breath. “Because of Covid protocols, her mom couldn't come in with her, so… she died alone.”

Her voice breaks.

“And her baby died alone,” she says through her tears. “And now I have to go and tell her parents. And after that, I'm gonna be alone.”

Carina has been alone for most of her life and that isn’t the problem. The problem is that, this time, she feels lonely, and she doesn’t know what to do with that feeling. It is not something she used to feel, until Maya took up space in her life.

“Oh, I hate this. I hate this disease. I hate this year. I ha- I hate being alone. I...”

It is at that point that Ben interrupts her. “Wait, wait... why can't you and Maya be together?” he asks, as if it is a simple solution.

“Because you and Chief Bailey, you quarantine apart. I don't… -

“Wait, wait, wait,” Ben says, taken aback by the admission. “You're staying apart because Miranda and I are staying apart?”

Carina nods. “Yeah.”

“Oh, Carina,” Ben says gently. “Look, if it were only up to me, my wife and I would be braving this thing together, 'cause I miss her so bad my body aches.” He looks away wistfully and it is easy to believe how much he loves and misses his wife. “I mean, literally. My chest gets tight and my breathing gets heavy.”

She knows that feeling.

“And then I think I got Covid 19! But, you know, hey, if I get sick, I can go to the hospital and see my wife. But you and Bishop, you don't have kids. Or a heart condition, or OCD,” Ben points out. “You should be together. I mean, God knows it's a messed-up time in all of our lives, but what the hell is the point of finding your person if you don't get to weather the storms together?”

He is right. Andrew is right. And she is an idiot for fighting it for so long.  

To Ben, she simply nods.

“Go get your girl,” Ben encourages her, before rolling the empty gurney back towards the Aid Car.  

“Thank you,” Carina says, then heads back into the hospital where Andrew is waiting for her.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“I need to tell Heather’s mom what’s happened,” Carina says, her body full of dread about having to have another heartbreaking conversation.

“I can do that,” Andrew offers, but Carina shakes her head.

“I don’t need you to do it for me,” Carina says.

“Carina,” Andrew scolds her, “I’m offering. And you need to learn to accept my help.”

He’s not so little after all, she realises, and she concedes with a nod of her head.

“I need to go, will you cover for me?”

“Of course,” Andrew says. “Where are you going?”

“To the fire station.”

Andrew looks puzzled for a moment, until he realises what she means. His face widens into a smile. “You’re finally going to stop being an idiot and move in with Maya,” he guesses.

Carina reaches out and grabs his arm, squeezing it tightly before heading back to her office. She shreds herself of her scrubs and pulls on her clothes, then grabs her bag and heads out to her car. She only stops to pick up a couple of Covid tests on her way.

It is a short drive to the station and she hopes that Maya will be there, and not out on a call, when she arrives. She pulls into an empty space and takes a deep breath. The sadness she has been feeling is buried underneath the excitement she feels at seeing Maya, of taking the step they should have taken at the start of this thing. Once she is in control of her emotions, she steps out of the car and heads inside.

She slips in through the front door, ignoring whatever it is that has got everyone’s attention, and follows Maya into her office. She is engrossed in a phone call and doesn’t notice her at first, until she pushes the door closed. The click of the lock grabs her attention and she turns, a look of surprise crossing her face when she sees Carina standing there.

“Bye,” she says to whoever is on the other end of the call, hanging up and placing her phone on the table, then grabbing a mask to place over her mouth and nose.

“Are you real- really here or am I just really tired?” she asks.

Underneath her mask, Carina smiles. “Uh, both I’m guessing.”

Maya is still dumbfounded by her presence. “What?”

“I missed you,” Carina says. “And I brought you something.”

Maya takes a few steps backwards, holding out a hand, a barrier between them. “Okay, I’m walking away from you now before I start breaking all the rules.”

“Good,” Carina says, a teasing lilt to her voice. To hell with the rules right now. She has been adamant about following them and for what? All it has done is bring her more pain, by denying her the chance to be with the woman she loves.

Maya stares at her for a moment and Carina can see she has something on her mind. She watches as Maya removes the mask from her face, her heart pummelling her chest as she sees Maya’s face for the first time in weeks without a mask or screen between them. It takes every ounce of self-restraint not to charge across the office and kiss her.

“Move in with me.”

“What?” Carina asks incredulously, taking off her own mask. Did Maya really just beat her to it?

“Quarantining is basically just moving in together, but I don’t want to just basically do anything with you,” Maya says. “I want to do everything – for real. And I know that…” She stumbles a little, as she brings up a painful memory. “…that we have barely spent three days together since I broke your trust. But I’m hoping that me asking you to move in with me is a sign that I am all the way in.”

Carina studies her for a moment. The heartbreak from Maya’s betrayal is starting to feel like a distant memory, and she doesn’t know if it’s because of the pandemic or the family losses she has suffered or the tragedies she has seen – or maybe it is all of it – but she knows that, whatever their past is, she wants and needs her present and future to be with the woman she loves.

“Actually, um – I came here to ask you the exact same thing.” Maya’s eyebrows lift with surprise, as Carina brings her hands out from behind her back to show her the Covid tests she has been holding this whole time. “I’ll do yours if you do mine.”

“How do you make even nasal swabbing sound sexy?” Maya says, her face a picture of wonder and delight.

Carina laughs, the first joyous laugh that she has experienced in weeks.

“God, I want to kiss you right now.” The words fall out of her mouth before she can stop them.

Maya smirks as she lifts her foot to step forward, but Carina shakes her head. “We should test first. Just in case.”

“I tested this morning,” Maya says.

Carina narrows her eyes. “I tested this morning too.”

A smile spreads across her face as she tosses the two Covid tests to one side. Her heart thumps in her chest as Maya walks across the room towards her. She feels like she is watching her in slow motion – and then Maya is in front of her, her hands slipping around her waist and tugging her hips closer, leaving no space between their bodies. Her breath catches in her throat as Maya looks up at her, her blue eyes bright and wanting, her breath hot on her neck. She takes her time, teasing her a little, when all Carina wants is her lips on hers. 

“What is it you always say to me?” Maya murmurs.

“Baciami,” Carina says softly.

She watches as Maya runs her tongue along her bottom lip.

“Baciami,” Maya repeats.

Carina dips her head and catches Maya’s top lip between hers. The kiss is light and tentative at first, but Carina quickly deepens it, one hand resting on Maya’s back while the other gets caught in her hair. Maya welcomes the kiss, opening her mouth and letting Carina’s tongue slide against hers. She tastes of coffee and chocolate, and it is new and familiar all at the same time.

Carina moans into the kiss, heat coursing through her, and she takes a small step forwards, shuffling Maya backwards, until she hits the desk. She is so caught up in the moment that she doesn’t care that the rest of nineteen are hanging out by the front desk, all she can think of is Maya and how good it feels to be in her arms, to be kissing her. It has only been three weeks but, oh, it has been a horrible three weeks and Carina feels all the tension in her body fall away as Maya sucks and nips at her bottom lip.

Carina lifts her hands to cup Maya’s face, pulling her lips away for a moment so that she can look at her. Her hair has grown quickly and sits in a cute bob, her blue eyes flare with desire, and her lips invite her in for another kiss.

“I really have missed you,” Carina says, her voice breaking a little.

Maya hears the emotion in her voice and her brow furrows with concern. “Bad day?”

Carina gives her a small nod. “But it’s better now. With you.”

Maya lifts one hand and tucks Carina’s hair behind her ears, stroking her soft skin as she runs her finger along her jawline and hooks it under her chin. She leans in and kisses her softly, the most tender touch that Carina has felt in weeks, and a warmth spreads through her chest. She drops her hands to Maya’s hips and curls them around the top of her thighs, lifting her up so that she perches on the desk. She pulls her knees apart and steps between them, pushing her body up against her and drawing her in to another kiss.

Maya hooks her ankles around the back of Carina’s legs and drags her hips closer. Carina’s hands tug at her shirt, searching for skin, battling with her as Maya tries to push her jacket off her shoulders. Carina claims dominance as she tears her lips away from Maya’s – ignoring her grumbles – and trails them down her neck, knowing that finding that sweet spot just below her ear will cause her to surrender. Maya sighs happily, her grasp on Carina’s jacket loosening.

Carina is just about win the fight against the buttons of Maya’s shirt when there is a knock on the door.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Maya mumbles.

Carina turns her head and Maya peeks out from behind her as the door opens and Travis’s face appears.

“Oh shit, sorry Cap,” he says, blushing as he shoots them an apologetic look. “Animal control are about to leave.”

With a heavy sigh, Maya extracts herself from Carina’s arms and drops her feet to the floor. “Give me five minutes,” she says to her girlfriend, “ I just need to make sure everything is sorted with the tiger.”

Carina’s face clouds with confusion. “The what?”

Maya’s lips curl into a smile as she tucks her shirt back into her pants. “You didn’t notice the big cat in the barn as you walked in?”

Carina shrugs. She’d only had eyes for Maya once she arrived at the station. Securing the last button, Maya walks across the office and pauses at the door, looking back over her shoulder.

“Don’t go anywhere,” she says, as if she is scared that she’ll come back and find out that she really is dreaming.

Carina smiles. It’s a promise that is easy to make.

“I won’t.”