14. Grief II

When Carina wakes, it is a little after nine o’clock. She is curled up on her left side, looking outwards towards the wall, and she stretches her body, letting the tension out of her muscles. As she rouses, she recognises the soft cotton of Maya’s bedsheets and remembers where she is – and why. She falters a little, before rolling over to find the other side of the bed empty. It does not surprise her; Maya is never one to sleep late, even on a good day. And today is most definitely not a good day, not after yesterday’s events.

Carina lifts her head a little, straining her ears for the sound of movement in the apartment, but she is faced only with silence. The last thing she remembers is waking up to Maya’s nightmare and her girlfriend sliding out of bed to get a glass of water. She is pretty sure she was asleep before Maya got back – if she got back at all.

She pushes herself to sitting and climbs out of bed. She clocks herself in the mirror and realises that she is still wearing only Maya’s old Mariners t-shirt, pausing to pull on her pants before stepping out into the apartment. The morning light seeps in around the edge of the curtains, lighting the room just enough for her to spot the open laptop on the coffee table. The screen is black, the laptop asleep after being discarded to one side at God knows what time of the morning. As she moves through the kitchen, she spies the top of Maya’s head near the edge of the couch and is careful not to make too much noise as she approaches.

Maya lies along the couch on her front, her head turned and her cheek resting on a pillow, her mouth gaping open slightly. Despite getting the rest she so desperately needs, her face still carries the grief she feels, and Carina can only hope that she isn’t disturbed by another bad dream.

She grabs the throw from the back of the chair and lets one end drop to the ground, before draping it over Maya’s body, careful not to wake her. She crouches down beside the couch and gently sweeps the hair out of Maya’s eyes, unable to stop herself from leaving a kiss on her temple, hoping that somewhere in her subconscious, Maya feels the affection.

Carina leaves her to sleep and retreats into the kitchen, making herself an espresso and surveying the half-empty refrigerator. She had noticed last night that Maya was overdue a trip to the grocery store. Wanting to make herself useful, she showers quickly and writes a short shopping list on her phone. She still hasn’t found out where Maya keeps a notepad, but she finds an empty envelope discarded to one side for recycling, and scribbles a note on one side of it, letting Maya know where she is if she wakes while she is gone.

The grocery store is a short drive away and it gives Carina the space she needs to exhale. Life just keeps throwing challenges at them and, despite the short time they have known each other, they have learned to lean into each other when so many others would walk away. Yet Maya’s grief is overwhelming and, on top of Andrea’s illness, she feels the burden of looking after the two people she cares about most in the world weighing down on her. Gone is the relaxed demeanour that she carried when they got back from Palm Springs last week, and she feels relief at having a moment to herself, even if it is doing something as mundane as grocery shopping. Her list is short, but she takes her time, telling herself that the longer she is away, the more sleep Maya will get – and ignoring the guilt that niggles at her.   

She gets back to Maya’s apartment an hour later. As she walks up to the building, she spies a familiar figure hovering by the entrance.

“Andy?”

The other woman spins on the spot. She wears her grief all over her face just like Maya does, a deep frown line down the middle of her, her mouth turning downwards, and dark circles under her eyes from where she clearly has not slept.

“Is Maya home?” Andy asks, her question direct, not pausing for any pleasantries.

“She’s upstairs,” Carina says. “Andy, I’m so sorry about your father.”

Her hands are full with shopping bags and they stand awkwardly in front of each other.

“Thanks,” Andy says, shooting her a tight smile. “Maya?”

Carina hesitates. There is something about Andy’s urgency that worries her. She knows why Andy is here, she understands that she needs to hear what happened from Maya, but Carina’s instincts are to protect her girlfriend, no matter how unfair that might be to the grieving daughter in front of her.

“Are you mad at her?”

The question seems to take Andy by surprise, who looks at her with intrigue. “Why? Would you stop me from talking to her if I am?”

“No,” Carina says. “I think she needs to tell you her story – and I think you need to hear it. But I want to be prepared,” she ends with a small shrug.

Andy considers her for a moment. “I’m not mad at her,” she answers eventually. “But I need to know what happened. I need to know what my dad was thinking before he got up on that roof.”

Carina nods. “Of course you do,” she says. “Come on.”

Andy holds out a hand and Carina gratefully offloads one of the bags to her. They don’t bother making conversation as they take the elevator up to Maya’s apartment. Even though she lived in this apartment not too long ago, Andy lets Carina take the lead, hanging back as she unlocks the front door with Maya’s spare key.  

The couch is empty when they walk inside and Carina hears the shower pump coming from the bedroom. She is glad that Maya isn’t there; she can feel that Andy is agitated and wants her to calm down before Maya emerges.

“Have you eaten?”

“Uh, no,” Andy says as she places the bag she carries on the counter.

“Why don’t I make you something to eat?” Carina offers.

“No, thanks, I’m not hungry,” Andy says indifferently.

“You should still eat,” Carina says.

It is not lost on her that she had the same conversation with Maya the night before.

Andy sighs wearily. “Sure,” she concedes easily, no energy in her to push back again.

Andy sits at the table and watches as Carina unloads the groceries. She knows so little about their relationship, it is something that Maya has kept private until recently, and she notices how at ease Carina is in Maya’s space.

Carina can feel herself being watched and, once again, she lets the silence fall between them, knowing that Andy doesn’t need to make small talk with someone who is pretty much a stranger. As soon as the groceries have been put away, she sets about making Andy some breakfast. Pretty quickly, she puts a plate of her fancy eggs on toast on the table, hoping it goes down better than last night’s meal.

She sits down on the chair opposite and is glad to see Andy tuck in hungrily. “You know, I met you dad once.”

Andy looks up, surprised by the revelation. “You did? When?”

“He was with another patient of mine when she miscarried,” Carina explains. She doesn’t refer to Doctor Bailey, conscious of doctor patient confidentiality – even though she knows Andy will probably be able to piece it together. “I thought he was very kind.”

Andy smiles wistfully. “He was.”

She shudders at the use of past tense when referring to her father, another realisation of what has happened kicking her in the gut. Tears spring in her eyes and she shakes her head.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Carina says, reaching out and covering Andy’s hand with her own.

Andy blinks back the tears, her eyes fluttering in quick succession. “Thanks.” She offers her a small smile. “I’m glad Maya has you.”

Carina smiles. Although they have been estranged for a while, Carina knows that Maya still thinks of Andy as her best friend – she just hopes that Pruitt’s death is not a setback in the progress they have made lately.

“I’m glad I have Maya.”

Andy’s phone pings and they both look at it instinctively. Robert’s name lights up the screen and Carina averts her eyes politely.

“Everyone’s checking up on me,” Andy says shyly.

Carina smiles, but doesn’t say anything. She is distracted herself, noticing that the shower pump has gone quiet. Her eyes move to the hallway leading to the bedroom door and she knows she should give Maya warning that Andy is here.

Looking up from her phone, Andy notices her gaze and realises what Carina is thinking. “It’s okay. Go – talk to her. I’m going to eat these eggs, they’re good.”

With a nod of her head, Carina gets up from the table, heading to the bedroom. Maya is still behind the bathroom door, so she perches on the bed to wait for her. Maya emerges a few minutes later, dressed in jeans and a loose t-shirt, her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. Her eyes light up when she sees her girlfriend.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Carina says. “How are you feeling?”

Maya shrugs. “You know, okay.”

“You didn’t come back to bed last night,” Carina says. It’s a statement, not a question, and she keeps her tone soft so that Maya doesn’t feel like it is an accusation.

Maya bites her lip and walks the few steps to the bed, sitting down on the bed beside Carina. She takes a long breath and keeps her eyes trained on the ground. “I was afraid to go back to sleep, in case I saw him again. I tried to work on the incident report, but I… I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t.”

Carina slides a hand around her back and Maya leans into her, grateful for her comforting touch.  

“I guess I fell asleep eventually.”

“And did you dream about him?”

Maya shakes her head, no. “I don’t remember what I dreamed about. Maybe I was too exhausted.”

From out in the apartment, they hear the rattle of dishes being placed in the dishwasher, signalling the presence of someone else in the apartment. Maya looks at Carina apprehensively, not in the mood for visitors.

“Andy’s here,” Carina says.

She sees panic flare up in Maya’s eyes, her shoulders immediately tensing.

“It’s okay,” Carina reassures her. “She just wants to talk. She wants to know what happened to her dad.”

Maya takes a deep, shaky breath. “Right.” She sounds resolute, but doesn’t move from the bed, pinned down with nerves.

“Maya,” Carina says gently. “She deserves to know. No matter how hard that conversation is for you, and for her, she deserves to know.”

Maya nods. “You’re right – like always.”

Carina stands first, grabbing Maya’s hand as she moves and pulling her up to standing, not giving her the chance to object. Maya keeps her hand firmly in Carina’s as they walk out into the apartment. Her heart races in her chest when she comes face-to-face with Andy.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

They both stand awkwardly, neither one of them moving or talking and barely meeting each other’s eye. Carina looks between them.

“Why don’t you go and sit, I’ll make some tea,” she suggests, giving Maya a gentle nudge.

“Right, yeah,” Maya says.

She gestures towards the couch and Andy moves first, with Maya following her. They sit side-by-side, backs straight, hands in their lap. Maya reaches for a pillow and holds it against her, her fingers playing with the frayed edge on one side.

“Maya…”

“I’m sorry…”

They talk at the same time, cutting themselves short instead of speaking over the other. They share a clumsy smile.

“Andy, I’m sorry,” Maya says after a beat. “I’m so so sorry.”

“I know.”

Andy reaches out and wraps her hand around Maya’s arm, just below her elbow. Maya finally looks up to meet her eyes, expecting anger or hurt, but only finding compassion.

“I know,” Andy repeats. “But please… Maya, I need to know what happened to my dad.”

Maya realises that Carina was right, Andy deserves to know. She launches into the story, telling Andy what she told Carina the night before: about how the situation escalated quickly; about how the team were trapped and dying; about how they were running out of options until Pruitt had turned up and given them one last chance.

Andy listens intently, tears falling slowly from her eyes as Maya tells her about her father’s final, brave act.

“Why did he do it?”

“For you, for the team,” Maya says, tears filling her own eyes. “For his family. Because he loved you and he wasn’t going to let you all die. Not on his watch.”

“Did he… did he say anything before he went up on the roof?” Andy asks, her voice shaking. “Did he think of me?”

“Andy, you were the only one on his mind,” Maya says. She reaches out and takes Andy’s hands between hers. “It was all about you. And he told me to tell you…”

She pauses to take a breath to compose herself. She can hear Pruitt’s voice in her head, she has been replaying his message over and over again since it happened, knowing that he had entrusted her with his last words to his daughter.

“He told me to tell you that everything he did, every single thing he did your whole life, he did because he loved you. And that he knew he’d made some mistakes, but he loved you.”

Andy’s whole body is shaking. “He did?”

“He did,” Maya says, the tears spilling out of her eyes.

Andy drops her head and Maya shuffles along the couch to embrace her in a hug, holding her best friend as she sobs. Maya feels closer to her than she has in months, and she wonders if it is another parting gift from Pruitt. They sit in their embrace for a while, both crying for the man they loved and respected so dearly.

Andy is the first one to speak as she pulls back slightly. “I can’t believe he’s really gone,“ she says as she wipes her eyes with her sleeve.

Maya reaches out and grabs the box of tissues that has appeared on the coffee table, most likely put there by Carina while they were caught up in their grief.

“Me too.”

From the kitchen, they hear Carina’s cellphone ring, and they both turn their heads towards her.

‘Sorry,’ Carina mouths, answering her phone and disappearing down the hallway into the bedroom.

Maya’s gaze lingers a little longer and when she turns back to her friend, Andy is looking at her knowingly.

“What?”

“I like that one,” Andy comments. “She’s good for you.”

“Yeah?”

Andy nods, as Maya smiles.

“I like her too,” Maya says.

Andy’s phone pings again, another message from Sullivan, only this time it is Maya that notices. Before she gets chance to ask Andy about it, they hear Carina’s raised voice floating through the apartment from the bedroom.

“You should have told me, Meredith!”

Maya knows that an argument with Meredith probably relates to Andrew, which makes her heart sink. He has been stable since they got back from Palm Springs and she hates the thought that he has taken a turn for the worse.

The yelling prompts raised eyebrows from Andy and Maya shoots her an apologetic look. “I should make sure she’s okay.”

Andy nods. “Of course,” she says understandingly. “I should go.”

They stand and walk together to the door.

“I really am sorry,” Maya says again. “I wish there was more I could have done to get you all out of there. I wish…”

“Maya,” Andy interjects. “You’re a good captain, one of the best. My dad made sure of that when he trained you. What happened yesterday was no-one’s fault. We’re just lucky that my dad…” Her voice cracks. “We’re just lucky that my dad was such a hero.”

Maya nods. “He was my Captain. And he’ll always be my Captain.”

Andy steps forward and they hug again, both grateful for the big step closer to mending their friendship.

“Call me if you need anything,” Maya offers as she opens the front door. “Anything at all.”

After Andy has gone, Maya tiptoes down the hallway and pauses at the door to the bedroom. She hears Carina’s raised voice on the other side, clearly aggravated.

“That’s not the point, Meredith. He’s my brother, I should have known!”

Maya pushes the door open a little, but stays in the hallway out of Carina’s eyeline, looking through the gap. She watches as Carina paces up and down, her feet stomping against the wooden floor. She slips into her native tongue, muttering something that Maya doesn’t understand.

“Fine. I’ll come by and see him when I can,” Carina says. “And next time, call me!”

With that, she hangs up the phone and covers her face, letting out a muffled cry. She is angrier than Maya has ever seen her and she turns, throwing her cellphone onto the bed in frustration. Maya watches from the doorway as she runs her hand through her hair, then straightens her back and exhales. When she is a little calmer, Maya pushes the door open further and steps inside.

“Hey,” she says softly.

Carina turns and Maya can see her mind working a mile-a-minute, before she brushes her own worries aside.

“How did it go with Andy?”

Maya tips her head to one side and looks at her incredulously, although it does not surprise her that Carina is still attentive even though her mind is obviously distracted by her argument with Meredith.

“It was okay,” Maya says. “She cried, I cried. But you were right, she needed to hear it. And I needed to be the one to tell her.”

Carina smiles, although it is strained. “Good, I’m glad.”

Maya takes a couple of steps forward, closing the gap between them. “You want to tell me why you were arguing with Meredith?”

“It’s nothing,” Carina says, waving her hand dismissively.

“Carina,” Maya scolds her lightly.

Carina sighs, flopping down on the bed. “Andrea is sick. He, uh, he was at the hospital yesterday, it was him that figured out what was wrong with Doctor Webber. He was relentless, he wouldn’t stop until he figured it out – and now he’s having a depressive episode. Meredith took him home to her house yesterday and… and she didn’t bother to call me.”

Maya sits down beside her. “Oh, Carina, I’m sorry. Where is he now?”

“Still at Meredith’s. She says he hasn’t got out of bed yet.”

Maya feels racked with guilt, knowing that if it hadn’t been for her own trauma and the fact that Carina rushed to be with her, she might have known about her brother sooner.

“You should go and see him,” Maya encourages her.

Carina shakes her head. “No, bella, you need me.”

“Andrew needs you more,” Maya says. “And I’m okay, really.”

The truth is, she hates the idea of Carina leaving right now, but Maya can see how much it is tearing her apart to be away from her brother when he needs her.

Carina wavers. “Are you sure?”

Maya nods. “I’m sure. I need to work on my report – and I think talking to Andy helped me figure out what to say. You should go and be with your brother.”

Carina’s hair hangs loose, framing her face, and Maya reaches up to tuck it behind her ear. Carina twists her head to catch the palm of her hand with a kiss, drawing a smile from Maya.

“Thank you for being here last night. I’m sorry that it meant you weren’t with Andrew, but selfishly I’m really glad you were here.”

“Anch'io amore,” Carina says, leaning forwards and placing a gentle kiss on Maya’s temple.

It is Carina’s turn to lay her head on Maya’s shoulder and she lets out a wistful sigh. “I wish we were back by the pool in Palm Springs.” She thinks back to their lazy days in the sunshine, the good food and good wine, and even better sex that they enjoyed while they were away, and feels nostalgia for their trip.

“Oh, me too,” Maya says, resting her cheek on the top of Carina’s head.

Neither of them can believe how much has happened in just twenty-four hours, the joy of Amelia’s baby and Doctor Webber’s surgery overshadowed by Pruitt’s death and Andrew’s descent into depression. They both sit there for a moment and enjoy the calm, knowing that it won’t be long before something else causes their emotions to come spilling out again.