13. Grief I

Carina cradles the newborn in her arms, smiling down at his pink cheeks, long eye lashes and the dark hair that he gets from his mother.

“He really is beautiful, Amelia,” she says, hooking her index finger under his hand and watching as his tiny fingers curl around it. “Do you have a name for him?”

Amelia scrunches her face. “Link wants to call him Scout.”

Carina’s face is blank, not recognising the cultural reference.

“To Kill A Mockingbird? Atticus Finch? Scout?”

Carina shakes her head, a bemused smile on her face. It is not a book she has ever read. “You don’t like Scout?”

“I… don’t know,” Amelia admits. “It’s a little cheesy.” She looks up at her friend. “Why don’t you decide? I bet there are some beautiful Italian names.”

Carina laughs softly so as not to wake the sleeping baby. She looks over to where Amelia lies in her bed, taking in her happy, relaxed demeanour.

“You did really good today. I know it was hard, especially without Link.”

As her doctor, Carina knows all about Amelia’s history – her relationship with Ryan, her pregnancy and the loss of Christopher; as her friend, Carina knows how hard Amelia has worked to get her life on track, to beat her addictions and to allow herself to fall in love again, and how she lives every day knowing that just one hiccup could knock her off that track.

“I had Bailey. And you,” Amelia says pointedly. “I’m really glad you were back from your vacation for this.”

“Me too,” Carina says with a smile. She walks across the room, pausing by Amelia’s bed. “He is perfect. Six pounds and eight ounces of perfect.”

Amelia stares adoringly at her new baby son. “He is, isn’t he?” She takes Carina by surprise when she suddenly reaches out and grabs her arm. “Thank you, Carina. For everything. The second you told me I was pregnant, I was terrified. And you… you always made me feel like everything was going to be okay. And it was.”

Carina puts her hand over Amelia’s and squeezes it gently. “It was my pleasure, Amelia.”

She places the baby gently into his crib, running her hand over his chest as he breathes.

“So, it was Andrew that figured out what was wrong with Richard?” Amelia comments, watching Carina’s reaction carefully to make sure she is not overstepping.

Amelia had been with a patient the day that Andrew had suffered his breakdown in the hospital, but she had heard about it soon afterwards from Maggie. She had taken to checking in with Carina every now and again since that day, knowing that Carina’s feelings would get forgotten as everyone rallied around Andrew, although it is a subject that Carina keeps close to her chest. Carina constantly assures her that she is okay and that she is not dealing with it on her own – although she has so far ignored Amelia’s demands to meet her new girlfriend. Amelia had been the one to practically kick her out of the door of the hospital the day before she was due to go on vacation and tell her to relax and have a good time – something she regretted two days’ later when she thought she was in labour and would have to deliver her baby without Carina there.

“How’s he doing?”

“He’s okay,” Carina says, with a strained smile. “Some good days, some not.”

Amelia is smart enough to know that Andrew’s success today was not a sign that he was getting better; to the contrary, his dogged determination to find a diagnosis was probably a symptom of his Bipolar.

The conversation doesn’t go any further before they are interrupted by a soft knock on the door. They both turn to see Miranda stood in the doorway.

“Bailey! How’s Richard?” Amelia asks immediately.

“He’s okay. The surgery was a success, Atticus is just closing up,” Bailey answers.

Both Carina and Amelia let out an audible sigh of relief at the good news.

“That’s great,” Carina says. It is only then that she spies the look on Bailey’s face, the serious frown she wears and the nervous look in her eyes. Her mind immediately goes to her brother. “What’s wrong? Is it Andrea?”

Bailey looks surprised at her assumption and shakes her head. “No, no, Andrew’s fine. He’s still there in the surgery.”

“Then what?” Amelia presses.

Bailey’s eyes shift to Carina. “I had a call from Ben…”

Carina feels her heart sink. There is only one reason why Bailey would come to her with a look like that on her face. “Oh God,” she murmurs.

“Maya’s fine,” Bailey reassures her straight away. “But there was an… an incident on scene. Ben didn’t give me many details but…” She takes a step further into the room, tapping her phone nervously in her hands. “It’s Pruitt Herrera. He died.”

Carina lets the words sink in. She doesn’t know the man, but she knows he is a father figure to Maya and all of the firefighters at Station 19. She knows how he created a family at the station, for Andy and himself and everyone else in the team when, for many of them, they didn’t have a family of their own to rely on. She knows how devastated they were to learn that his cancer had returned and how the inevitable has been hanging over them for the last few months.

“I don’t understand,” Carina says, shaking her head in confusion. “He’s retired. Why would he be on the scene with them?”

“I’m not sure. Ben just said that it was Maya’s call and… and that you should go to her.”

Carina stares at her, trying to get her head around the implications of what she is saying, only drawn out of her daze by Amelia tugging at her hand.

“You should go,” Amelia encourages her.

Carina looks down at her and nods. “I’ll make sure the doctor on call checks in on you.”

“We’ll be fine,” Amelia assures her. “Go.”

Carina returns Amelia’s gesture with a small squeeze of her hand, before heading to her office to collect her coat and bag and rushing to her car. It doesn’t take long for her to get to Maya’s apartment block. She slips in through the front door as someone is leaving, one of Maya’s upstairs neighbours who recognises her and lets her in without hesitation. She takes the elevator. It is slow and clunky, and her foot taps impatiently on the metal floor as she travels upwards.

On her way out of the hospital, she had bumped into Jackson, who had told her a bit more about the fire, and she begins to understand why Pruitt Herrera had been on the scene. Carina still has no idea how he had got on to the roof, but after Ben’s message that it had “been Maya’s call”, her stomach is heavy with dread and she wants to get to her girlfriend as quickly as possible.

When she reaches Maya’s floor, she strides down the corridor to her apartment and knocks three times. There is no sound on the other side and, when there is no answer, she knocks again, a little louder this time.

“Maya? Maya, it’s me,” she calls through the door. “It’s Carina.”

Still no answer, so she tries for a third time. “Maya?”

It is only then that she hears the patter of footsteps coming from inside and she shuffles backwards, creating space between herself and the door. She shrugs her coat off as she waits.

Maya opens the door slowly. There is no sign of the happy, confident woman that usually greets her. Instead, all Carina can see is the loss of a loved one written all over her body: her head dips, her shoulders slump and her hair hangs limp; her face is red and blotchy from crying, and tears still fill her eyes.

“Oh Maya,” Carina says empathetically.

Maya’s lips tremble and her mouth falls open but no words follow. Carina can see her struggling to speak. She walks into the apartment and throws her coat over the back of Maya’s couch, something the firefighter usually berates her for, but not today. She turns back to Maya, who closes the door and bows her head to hide the tears that refuse to stop falling.

“It’s okay, I heard,” Carina says. “Come here.”

Carina reaches out and pulls Maya into an embrace, wrapping her arms tightly around her body. Maya resists at first, not wanting to fall apart any more than she already is, but Carina is stronger for once and it doesn’t take much for Maya to relent. She is only a couple of inches taller than Maya, but with her heeled boots on, there is almost six inches difference in their height, which gives Maya the perfect place to burying her head into Carina’s chest, her body shaking as she sobs against her. Even on her worst days, when Carina had held her in bed or calmed her after her panic attack, Maya has never fallen apart like this. This was something more, this was complete, heart-wrenching devastation.

Maya’s hands grab at the loose fabric of Carina’s shirt, her fists curling tightly, her short nails digging into her palms, as if trying to transfer her pain. It doesn’t work. Her chest hurts and she struggles to catch her breath in between sobs, and she realises that this is what it means to feel your heart break.

Carina runs her hand over Maya’s hair, her body swaying instinctively. “Oh bambina,” she murmurs.

Carina doesn’t try to hush her, but instead lets her cry, knowing how important it is that Maya lets her feelings out. She has seen Maya keep her feelings inside, embrace the pain and push on, and she knows that it is the worst thing she could do right now.

She doesn’t know how long they stand there for, but she doesn’t try to move until she feels Maya’s body grow calmer and her breathing still. She leans back slightly and smooths hair out of Maya’s eyes – eyes that are squeezed shut, as if shutting out the light will shut out the reality of what has happened.

“Come, let’s sit,” Carina says gently.

She keeps one arm wrapped around Maya as she leads her to the couch and guides her to sit down. She crouches down and rests her hands on Maya’s knees, rubbing her thighs lightly.

“I’m going to fetch you a glass of water. Is there anything else I can get you? Tea? Or something to eat?”

Maya shakes her head. “No,” is all she says, and even that is barely audible.

“Okay,” Carina says. “I’ll be right back.”

She keeps one eye on Maya as she walks into the kitchen and fills a glass with water from the tap. She watches as Maya takes a deep, laboured breath and wipes the back of her hand across her dry, red cheeks. Carina finds herself wanting to wrap her up in a blanket and take all of the pain away from her, but she knows she can’t. She knows she has to let Maya feel everything she is feeling.

She thinks about the night they picked up Andrew from the police station in Tacoma and how Maya’s presence had been the only thing that had brought her any comfort that night, and she resolves to repay the favour today. 

She walks back over to the living area and places the water in Maya’s hands. “Drink,” she says firmly, as she settles on the couch beside her.

Maya follows her instruction and takes several large gulps, grateful for the hydration. Her hands still shake and the water swirls around the glass involuntarily, until Carina wraps a hand around hers to still it. Her other hand rests on Maya’s back, and Carina runs it up and down her spine.

Maya keeps her head low and her gaze pointed to the floor.

“It’s my fault.”

Her voice is low and scratchy, and her words hang in the air for a moment.

“Why do you think it’s your fault?” Carina asks, hoping the question will encourage her to tell the story.

Maya takes a slow, deep breath. “We were called to a report of someone stuck inside a locker at a storage facility on the south side of town. It wasn’t even supposed to be a fire, it was a rescue operation.” She shakes her head incredulously. “The place was a maze, even in the daylight, but we found them. It was a bunch of young guys who had been practicing with their band. One of them had lit a joint and it caused a fire. We put it out, but the embers were moving through the vents and into other units, causing the fire to spread. I called for the rest of the team and for back-up. Sullivan turned up and took control. There were more customers inside and we needed to get them out.”

She takes another deep breath.

“When a fire spreads like that, we have to create a vent in the roof to make sure that the heat and the smoke can get out. Except, the roof was unstable and it wasn’t possible to do it without putting one of the team at risk, which made the whole thing a lot more dangerous all of a sudden.”

“It sounds scary,” Carina comments.

Maya shrugs. “It’s part of the job, I guess. We hit a problem, we find another way. Sullivan ordered us to breach the walls instead, but it was impossible because they were brick. At that point, it was just trying to get the fire under control, you know? We’d pulled everyone out from inside.”

Carina feels the muscles in Maya’s back grow tense as she prepares herself for the story that is about to follow.

“Except then the manager told me that there was a homeless man sleeping in one of the units that we hadn’t accounted for so I… I sent my team back in to find him,” Maya says through gritted teeth.

“Did they find him?”

Maya nods. “They found him – and a bunch of propane tanks which could blow at any time in the heat, which they did.”

Carina straightens in fear. “Was anyone hurt?”

“No. I mean, Jack was a little bruised by the blast, the Aid Car took him to Seattle Pres to get checked over. Except it made the fire worse. Sullivan ordered a retreat, but by then the smoke was starting to build up and we still couldn’t breach the damn walls because we just kept hitting problems – brick, cinder block, concrete. The team got lost inside because they couldn’t find their way out and… and their oxygen tanks were running out.”

Her face scrunches as she hears Andy’s voice in her head.

‘Bishop… Captain… Maya… I can’t find out way out, there’s no way out, I’m trapped…’

“Sullivan broke protocol and went into the building to find Andy…”

Carina raises her eyebrows curiously but doesn’t ask why, not wanting to interrupt the story.

“…which left me in charge of incident command. The job was too big for me, there wasn’t anything I could do. My team were inside, Carina, and they were…” She can’t bring herself to say it. “I couldn’t do anything to save them. I was useless!”

She starts to get upset and Carina tightens her arm around her waist, using her physical presence to bring whatever comfort it can. She doesn’t speak, waiting instead for Maya to continue her story.

“And then the Captain turned up and demanded to go up on the roof. He knew… he knew he was walking into a death trap. I tried to tell him no, I really did – but he wouldn’t listen. He knew Andy was inside and he was going to do whatever it took to save her. To save all of them – our family, you know?”

The tears start to fall then, running down her cheeks and dropping onto her lap. She doesn’t bother to wipe them away, knowing it would be pointless.  

“He was a very brave man,” Carina says kindly.

“Yeah, he was,” Maya says, a sad smile passing briefly across her lips. “I knew letting him on that roof was going to kill him, but I knew that not letting him on that roof was going to kill everyone inside. So I… I made the call and I let him do it.”

“Maya…”

Maya shakes her head and pushes away Carina’s hand that still holds her own, not wanting to hear any platitudes about how she did the right thing.

“It’s my fault,” she repeats. “I thought maybe, just maybe, the roof would hold out enough for him to be able to vent the roof. He’s Captain Herrera, you know? If anyone could figure out how to do it, he would. I’m so stupid.” She shakes her head again. “I watched him – from the bottom of the ladder, I watched him hitting the roof with the axe until… until he was gone.”

She breaks down again, the glass she still holds tipping sideways and water spilling on to the floor. Maya drops her head into her hands and sobs. The image of her Captain falling through the roof is forever imprinted in her mind.

Carina pulls her in and Maya falls against her body, her face in the crook of her neck. Carina holds her close, as close as she can, not only because she knows it will release the right signals to her brain to reduce her anxiety but also because she wants Maya to feel the full force of her embrace.

“It wasn’t your fault, Maya,” Carina says, knowing that her words will mean very little right now.

“Don’t,” Maya says, although she doesn’t push Carina away this time.

“I mean it,” Carina says. “I know you don’t want to hear it and I know that it’s going to take some time for you to believe it…”

Carina’s right, she doesn’t want to hear it. She can’t hear it right now, so she interrupts. “I should have been a better Captain,” Maya says. “I was the one who sent my team back inside. I should have been able to get them out the building without him having to go up on that roof. I… I should have figured how to breach the walls. I should have…”

“Maya, don’t you think that if there was any other way, someone would have found it?” Carina challenges her. “You? Sullivan? Captain Herrera?”

“I’m the Captain,” Maya counters back. “It’s my job to keep them safe. I never should’ve let him on that roof, I should’ve found another way… I should’ve done it myself.”

“No!”

Carina surprises herself with how strongly she reacts to Maya’s words. She pulls away at that point and twists her body to face her. She cups Maya’s face with her hands, her fingers resting on the back of her neck, and guides her eyes to meet her own.

“Don’t say that. Don’t even think it!” Carina says. “If you’d gone up on that roof, you’d have died. I’d have lost you.”

“But Pruitt died,” Maya says. “Pruitt died… and Andy… She lost her mom when she was little and now she’s lost her dad, too. Oh God, she’s never gonna forgive me for this.”

“You don’t know that,” Carina objects. “Maya, he was dying. And Andy and Jack and everyone else who was in the building have their whole lives in front of them. Captain Herrera knew that. He knew what was going to happen to him and he did it anyway – because he loved you, he loved all of you. And I know that I didn’t know him, but from everything you’ve told me about him, I think he’d be happy and relieved to know that he saved everyone today. And there’s no way he’d want you to feel guilty about it.”

Maya’s face crumples again. “It won’t go away.”

“The guilt?”

“The pain,” Maya admits. “It hurts.”

Embrace the pain, that was her father used to tell her. Only this time, it feels too much for her to bear. Even running ten thousand metres on a sprained ankle was nothing compared to the pain she feels at the loss of her captain.

“Oh Maya,” Carina says, resting her forehead against Maya’s. “Of course it hurts.”

They stay leaning into each other for a while until Maya calms down, her eyes finally running dry and her breathing becoming steady.

“What am I gonna do?” Maya muses. “What am I gonna tell the team? What am I gonna tell Dixon and the FD?”

“You’ll tell them what you told me,” Carina says calmly. “You’ll tell them that Captain Herrera died a hero, saving the people he loved.”

Maya knows that Carina means well, but she also knows that it is going to be a flimsy excuse to people like Michael Dixon. Her shoulders sag and Carina can see how exhausted she is from her grief.

“Why don’t you go and have a shower, it might make you feel a bit better. I’ll make you something to eat,” Carina suggests.

“I’m not hungry,” Maya says.

“You should still eat,” she says. “Nothing fancy.”

That brings out a small smile on Maya’s face. “Everything you cook is fancy, you can’t help it.”

Carina returns her smile. “Well, maybe I’ll add some spinach and parmesan to your scrambled eggs, and put them on the nice sourdough you like?”

Maya nods. She knows Carina won’t relent until she eats something and she can’t deny that her stomach growls in response to the thought of food. “Okay.”

Carina leans back a little to place a soft kiss on Maya’s temple.

“Thank you,” Maya whispers.

“Always, tesoro mio.”

Carina is right, a shower does help. The hot water cascades down Maya’s body and washes away some of the stress and tension she has been carrying all day. Soot and grime swirl down the drain as she shampoos her hair and cleans her body. It does nothing to wash away the grief, but Maya feels her body relax a little, even if her head is still clouded with more thoughts and emotions than she can process at the moment.

The air in the apartment is cool when she steps out of the shower and it makes her shiver. She wraps a thick towel around her and lets her wet hair hang down over her shoulders, as she steps up to the mirror and takes in her reflection. Her skin is pale and tight across her cheeks, still a little enflamed from all the tears that have fallen. Her eyes lack their normal shine and her mouth turns downwards, no hint of joy in her expression. She slathers her body with moisturiser, her skin desperate for hydration, and wraps her damp hair up in a towel, then walks out into the bedroom. Maya smiles when she sees that Carina has left a fresh pair of pyjamas on the bed for her and she pulls them on, allowing herself the momentary pleasure of the soft cotton against her skin. She dries her hair but doesn’t bother to style it, instead pulling it back into a messy ponytail.

When she steps out of the bedroom, she pauses by the door and watches as Carina hovers over the stove. Maya feels an overwhelming surge of love for her in that moment and she lets it settle on her heart. It feels good, despite everything else that she is feeling right now – the knowledge that she is in love with this incredible woman feels good. It has been stirring inside of her for a while now and the words are on the tip of her lips as she tiptoes quietly into the kitchen and wraps her arms around Carina’s waist and presses her lips into the base of her neck.

Except she has never said it, never felt it for anyone else, and the words scare her, so all she can say is, “hey”.

“Hi bella,” Carina says softly. She turns her head and kisses Maya’s forehead. “You smell like my shampoo!”

Maya blushes. “It’s got a nicer scent than mine. Do you mind?”

“No, of course not,” Carina says.

Maya looks down at the pan on the stove. “Are those my fancy eggs?”

“Si, do you think you can eat something?” Carina asks, as she removes them from the heat.

“I can try,” Maya says.

The sourdough pops from the toaster and Carina slides out of Maya’s arms to put it all together on two plates, one for each of them. Maya wants to make herself useful, but Carina has thought of everything – the placemats are set, the cutlery is laid out, and two glasses of wine have been poured.

“Sit,” Carina orders as she places their dinner on the table.

Maya does as she is told and looks down at the plate of food in front of her. Her stomach is empty, she knows that, but it is also twisted into knots. She tries though, picking up the fork and pushing the eggs around her plate. She can feel Carina’s eyes on her, so she steels herself for a bite.

It tastes good, she’ll give Carina that, but it doesn’t settle well on her stomach. She only manages three mouthfuls before Carina places a hand on top of hers to stop her from eating any more.

“It’s okay, don’t force it,” Carina says.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says. “It tastes good, I don’t want to waste it.”

Carina waves away her apology. “You look exhausted,” she comments. “How about you try and get some sleep?”

Maya closes her eyes. Her head is pounding, caused by grief and hours of crying and the fact that she has barely eaten since breakfast. The thought of sleeping and emptying her mind for a while is appealing.

“Maya?”

Maya opens her eyes. “I need to write my report of what happened today. Dixon’ll be waiting for it.”

“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?” Carina questions. “I think it would be better if you got some rest, face it with a clear head?”

Maya knows that it makes sense. “I guess.” She bites her bottom lip thoughtfully. “Do you… do you think I should call Andy? Try and explain what happened?”

Carina twists her lips thoughtfully. “Not today,” she says eventually. “I think you both need to let it sink in before you talk.”

Maya nods. She looks across at Carina. “Will you stay with me?”

Carina smiles kindly and she lifts a hand to cup Maya’s face, running her thumb over Maya’s cheek. “Yes, bella, I’ll stay.” She has no intention of being anywhere else than by Maya’s side tonight.

Maya closes her eyes again and leans into Carina’s touch, bringing her hand to wrap around Carina’s wrist. She feels Carina shift forwards in her chair and press her lips against her forehead. Maya tips her head back and Carina takes the bait, dropping her lips and leaving a brief, soft, comforting kiss on her mouth.

The words are on the tip of Maya’s lips again, but this time it’s her cell phone pinging that stops her from saying them. Carina reaches along the table to retrieve it, passing it to Maya and watching her carefully. She doesn’t know who the message is from, or what it might say, and she doesn’t want it to aggravate her girlfriend when she is finally calm.

“It’s Jack. The hospital gave him the all clear,” Maya says, sighing with relief. At least that was one thing that had not ended in disaster.

Maya runs the back of her hand across her face and Carina is reminded of newborn babies who curl their fists and rub their eyes when they are tired.

“Why don’t you go to bed? I’ll be there once I’ve tidied up.”

“I can help,” Maya tries to insist, but Carina isn’t having any of it.

She stands and holds out her hands, palms up. Maya puts her hands on top of hers and Carina pulls her up to standing, then places her hands on Maya’s hips, spinning her round and pushing her gently towards the bedroom.

“Bed. Now.” Her tone is firm, but there’s a hint of teasing in there.

Carina watches as Maya shuffles off towards the bedroom. She slides the contents of Maya’s plate into the trashcan and fills the dishwasher, wiping down the surfaces and surveying the kitchen. There is silence from the bedroom but Carina knows that Maya won’t fall into an easy sleep so she makes a mug of herbal tea and takes it with her.

The bedroom is dimly lit, the only light provided by the lamp on Carina’s side of the bed. Maya is curled up on the right side of the bed, facing inwards. She offers Carina a small smile and watches as she wanders in and walks around the bed, placing a mug of steaming tea on the table beside her.

“Peppermint,” Carina notes, walking back around the bed. There is an old Mariners t-shirt on the empty side of the bed that Maya has pulled out for her and Carina raises her eyebrows curiously.

“Football?”

“Baseball,” Maya answers. “Pruitt took us to see them play the San Diego Padres a couple of years ago, it was a team bonding trip.” She smiles at the memory. “You know, it was his idea to take the team camping? I was thinking about that, about how it led to you, and us.”

Carina frowns, confused.

“It was a domino effect,” Maya explains. “If we hadn’t gone camping, we never would’ve come across the couple who got attacked by a bear. I never would have gone to the hospital with the nose and I probably never would have gone to Joe’s that night. Or, if I did, you wouldn’t have started a conversation with me because you hadn’t seen me come into the hospital that morning. And if we hadn’t met that night, we might never have met.”

Carina thinks it is a bit of a stretch, she feels it in her bones that their paths would have crossed at some point, but she can see that Maya is feeling nostalgic and she figures that at least she isn’t wallowing in sad memories.

“Well then, I guess I owe Captain Herrera my gratitude too,” she says with a smile.

She picks up the t-shirt and disappears into the bathroom.

Maya sits up and reaches out for her tea, settling back into the pillows and listening to the sound of Carina’s Italian playlist filter through into the bedroom. As they have started to spend more nights together, Maya has learned that Carina listens to her favourite Italian singers as she goes through her nighttime routine. Maya has no idea what they are singing about, but it doesn’t bother her. The music is calm and uplifting, and she is starting to enjoy the familiarity of it.

Carina emerges ten minutes later. The t-shirt is loose, but her body is long and it sits just at the top of her thighs. Despite everything else she is feeling, Maya can’t help but smirk when she sweeps her eyes up and down her girlfriend’s long, slender legs.

“I think I’m going to have to start leaving pyjamas here,” Carina says with a small laugh.

She slides into the bed and Maya immediately curls her body into hers, scooting under Carina’s outstretched arm. She rests her head on Carina’s shoulder and slips an arm around her waist. It is comfortable and warm, and she lets herself enjoy the comfort it brings.

“I never asked you how your day was,” Maya muses.

“It was good,” Carina says. “Amelia had her baby.”

“She did?”

“Si, a healthy little boy. Mama and baby both doing well,” Carina says. “And Doctor Webber had surgery today to replace his hip. It turns out his cobalt hip was poisoning him and that was what was causing him to be sick.” She doesn’t tell Maya that it was Andrew who diagnosed him, that is a bigger conversation than she is willing to have right now.

Maya lifts her head a little. “That’s great news,” she says. She knows how worried Carina and all of the doctors have been about their Chief. He is their Pruitt Herrera, the lynchpin of the hospital.

A jolt of grief shoots through her body. She wants to be happy for Carina, and she is, but it feels so unfair that they were able to rally around to save their Chief while she had to let hers go today. She buries her face back into Carina’s shoulder, willing the tears not to fall again. She doesn’t have the energy for more tears.

“Maya?”

Maya doesn’t respond, but Carina feels her arm tighten around her waist.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Carina soothes, pulling her body even closer.

Maya sighs, her breath hot against Carina’s chest. “Does it really get easier in time?”

Carina doesn’t talk about her mother or what it was like to lose her so suddenly, and as soon as Maya asks the question, she worries that she will have upset her.

“I’m sorry, you don’t…”

“No, it’s okay,” Carina interjects. She ponders the question for a moment. “You’ll never stop feeling sad about losing someone you love. But those moments of overwhelming sadness do start to come less and less. Like waves. At the moment, you’re in the middle of a storm and the waves are crashing all the time. It takes time for that storm to pass. But when it does, the waves become more gentle and eventually they come once in a while, instead of every day. And when they do come crashing, they won’t last forever and you’ll be ready for them.”

Maya takes in what she says.

“I don’t like this storm.”

“No-one does, bella,” Carina says, kissing the top of her head. “But it’s the price we pay for loving people.”

Maya wonders if it is worth it, if loving someone is worth the pain of eventually losing them – but she knows, in her heart, that this right now, curled up in Carina’s arms, is worth it. She twists her head and kisses Carina’s jaw, just below her ear, the only spot she can reach.

Maya sighs wearily and Carina can sense her drowsiness. She reaches out to turn off the lamp, plunging them into darkness. They don’t speak any more, the room silent except for their breathing. It’s not even nine o’clock and Carina is still wide awake. Beside her, she can feel Maya fighting sleep, her brain still trying to process what happened today and all the emotions that fill her body. Not even the thought of plush, white clouds can soothe her into a sleep. Carina starts to speak quietly, reciting poems in Italian and, even though Maya can’t understand them, there’s something about the way she talks, soft and lyrical, that reminds her of the lullabies her mom used to recite when she was younger. Just the sound of Carina’s voice gradually lulls her into a slumber.

Maya can’t see. Smoke fills her eyes and lungs, and she coughs, a deep kind of cough that makes her chest ache. Her throat is dry and she needs water.

Her eyes sting and she realises that she’s not wearing her face mask and hood. She has no oxygen and has no idea how she’s still breathing, but she is. She looks down and notices that she is still in her pyjamas, her bare feet on the cold, concrete floor. Flames lick around her but she doesn’t feel the heat.

“Hello?” she calls out and listens for a reply that never comes.

She has no idea where she is, but she knows that she can’t stay here. She holds her arms out, trying to feel her way around. There’s a wall to the left of her and plants her hands on it, following it blindly.

“Hello?” she calls again. “Andy? Jack? Travis?”

She turns each corner she reaches, wandering aimlessly down every corridor. She never finds any windows or doors, no exits, no people. 

“Bishop?”

“Jack?”

She can’t see him, but she knows he is there, somewhere through the thick smoke.

“Bishop! I can’t see anything. Can’t find an exit. I’m almost out of air.” He sounds tired and breathless.

“Just keep trying Gibson,” Maya tells him.

“I’m just gonna close my eyes.”

“No, no, stay with me, Gibson. Stay awake!”

He falls silent and Maya panics.

“Gibson? Gibson?”

Still nothing.

“Jack?”

“Maya?” comes a familiar voice from behind her.

Maya spins around to see Pruitt stood behind her, dressed in his turnout gear. “Captain?”

“You’re running out of time.”

“What?” Maya says, confused.

“Your team are in trouble,” Pruitt says. “What are you going to do?”

“I… I’m going to get them out of here,” Maya says.

“How? They’re stuck. You’re stuck.”

His words are blunt and Maya feels panic rising up inside of her again, her stomach nauseous. “I… I don’t know. I need to think.”

“You don’t have time to think, you need to act,” Pruitt presses her.

“I just need to get to the exit and find the others,” Maya says.

“There are no others,” Pruitt says. “It’s just you.”

“But it can’t be just me,” Maya says. “I need help, Captain.”

“You’re the Captain now, Maya. It’s your job to save them.”

“What do I do? Please, Captain, help me,” Maya pleads. “Help them!”

“I can’t help you any more,” Pruitt says. “You’re on your own now. You have to figure it out yourself.”

He turns to leave and Maya holds her arms out to stop him, but he is just out of reach.

“Please don’t leave me!” Maya calls out.

He ignores her as he disappears into the smoke, leaving her alone.

“Please Captain!”

Maya jerks awake, her body awakening with such force that she sits upright, her hair sweeping across her face. She gasps at the sudden movement. It is pitch blank and quiet, except for the sound of her heavy breath.

“Maya?” Carina’s sleepy voice drifts through the darkness.

“I saw him,” Maya murmurs. “Cap… I saw him. He left me.”

She feels Carina sit up beside and a gentle hand caress her hair.

“Oh Maya. It was just a dream,” Carina tries to soothe her. “It’s your brain processing what happened.”

“It felt so real,” Maya says.

Carina plants a soft kiss on her temple and it calms her body, even if her mind is racing.

“Come,” Carina urges her, “let’s try and get some sleep.”

Maya’s body is screaming out for rest, but she doesn’t want to sleep, doesn’t want to risk seeing him again.

“I, uh…” she searches for a reason to get out of the bedroom, “… I’m gonna grab some water. You go back to sleep, I’ll just be a minute.”

“You sure?” Carina asks as she stifles a yawn.

“Yeah,” Maya says. “I won’t be long.”

Carina settles back into the mattress and Maya is pretty sure she falls asleep the moment her head hits the pillow. She swings her legs out of bed and stands up, rubbing her forehead and willing her persistent headache to go away. She grabs a hoodie from the dresser and pulls it over her head, before slipping out into the apartment.

The wooden floor is cold and the soles of her feet slap against the solid pine as she walks into the kitchen, grabs a glass and fills it with water. She rummages around in the drawer until she finds an almost empty strip of Tylenol, popping two pills out of the packet and throwing them into her mouth. She notices her hands shaking and takes a gulp of water, washing the painkillers down, before placing the glass back down, worried about it slipping from her grasp. She rolls her head in her neck and lets it hang, exhaling with a quiet, low groan of frustration, willing the painkillers will work quickly.

Maya knows she should try to sleep, but she is too stubborn. Instead, she grabs her laptop and settles on the sofa, crossing her legs underneath her and resting the computer on her knees. She pulls up an incident report form and stares at the screen, her fingers resting lightly on the keys. The screen is bright in an otherwise darkened room and it hurts her eyes. She squints, refusing to let exhaustion win her over. Except the words don’t come. She has no idea what to write, no idea how to even begin to explain what happened today.

All she wants to be able to do is turn back time and replay the day with a happier ending, where no-one dies and everyone lives.