Hopes And Dreams

Antinous felt a sinking feeling in his chest. He knew what was destined to happen between him and Tobias. And the answer to that was nothing. Nothing was going to happen between them, despite the fact that Antinous was hopelessly falling in love with Tobias. The fact was that nothing was allowed to happen. He knew he was still chained to Hadrian, whether he liked it or not. Antinous sighed, as he looked over at the smile on Tobias's lips. He loved the look of that smile. He loved the way that the smile was probably because of him. It was probably because Antinous seemed to have the ability to make him happy for once.

Tobias wanted to say it. In fact, he wanted to scream it out, but he knew what would happen if he did. And he knew for a fact that Antinous didn't feel the same way. He looked over at Antinous's soft features, and the gentle curls in his hair. He didn't know how anyone could possibly keep from falling for him. He didn't know how he would ever keep himself from loving him. Already, the feeling was starting to hurt his heart.

"When you were younger, what did you dream of becoming?" Antinous asked, surprised at how the question had left his mouth.

Tobias shrugged. "I guess I thought that I might become a shepherd, and make money for my family." Tobias thought back to when he was younger. His father had always loved animals, although they'd never been fortunate enough to own any. It seemed like a ridiculous dream now, so far away to be able to achieve that only a young boy could have ever dreamt of accomplishing it. It seemed that when you grew older, you learned how to stop dreaming. Or at least that had been the case for Tobias.

He turned to face Antinous. "What did you dream of becoming?"

Antinous shrugged. Looking back on it, everything seemed so ridiculous to him now. He started to realize what a foolish child he'd been. He sighed. "I dreamt of being a great soldier." He said. "When I was younger I wanted to join the army, and become stronger than Alexander the Great." Antinous nearly laughed at his own foolishness. Sure, plenty of good men went to go fight for their country. But almost none of them ever became like Alexander. Antinous thought about his childhood. About their small house, and the way he'd go out to play alongside the shore and learn to swim in the sea. He felt homesick, in a way, although he hadn't been to Greece for years.

"Plenty of men go to fight in battle," Tobias pointed out. "At least your dream was realistic." He said.

"And being a shepherd isn't?" He asked.

Tobias shook his head. "My family was too poor to ever afford a sheep. I had to be sold into slavery to pay off my family's debts."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Antinous said quietly. "Have you been in contact with them since you'd left home?" He remembered his own family. It had been years since he'd spoken to them and he missed his motherly dearly. He missed his whole family. In fact, he missed everything about that place.

"No." Tobias said. "I'm a slave, what chance would I have ever gotten to send letters?"

Antinous gestured to the stationary near Hadrian's desk on the other side of the room. "Would you like to write something now?" He suggested. "I can have someone send it tomorrow?" Tobias was shocked at the offer. He couldn't possibly take it. He couldn't accept it. While he wanted to write to his family, he couldn't possibly do so at the Emperor's desk. He was a slave. And he had to keep remembering that.

Tobias shook his head. "No, I couldn't. Thank you very much for the offer though, but I can't possibly accept." No one had been this kind to him in a long time. No one had treated him with this basic respect in a long time. It felt as though his whole idea of how the world worked was slowly crashing down and breaking. Why was Antinous doing all of this for him? Why was he being so kind? Why did he even care when he clearly had his own problems to worry about? A thousand questions wandered through his mind.

"And why not?" Antinous asked, an eyebrow raised. He wondered what Tobias was so afraid of. He wondered what was going through that mind of his, though he knew he'd never be able to figure it out.

"Because it's simply too much to ask." Tobias replied.

"You aren't asking, I'm offering."

"Well, I can't accept your offer."

Antinous sighed, laying down on the bed. He desperately wanted Tobias to open up. He desperately wanted to be able to open up. Despite the fact that he was starting to catch feelings for Tobias. Despite the fact that he was yet to break free from Hadrian and he probably never would break free from the Emperor's grasp, he still longed for everything he could never have. He still longed for everything he knew he would never be able to get. For the life he wouldn't be able to live out.

That was when Tobias laid down on the bed beside him. He did it without thinking of the consequences, but that was what normally happens when he let his heart make decisions for him. He looked over at Antinous, aware of the way they were only inches apart from each other. Tobias wanted to close the space between them. He wanted to stop the deafening silence between them. He watched the gentle rise and fall of Antinous's chest and wondered if he was thinking the same things. The space between them was suffocating.

That was when Antinous spoke. "Do you feel the same way about me as I do about you?" He asked. The question had been lingering in his mind for far too long, and he had to let it out. Tobias didn't want to answer. He didn't know how to answer and instead he was left speechless, unsure of what to say or do. He didn't know whether he should admit what he'd been feeling or continue pretending and everything felt as though it was the wrong choice to make.

"I don't know." Tobias replied.