Early Mornings

It wasn't fair what his heart was doing to him. As Antinous continued staring at the ceiling he couldn't help but let his mind wander. Hadrian was sleeping soundly beside him. He didn't want to argue with the Emperor again. It was an impossible battle to fight with him. After all, Antinous knew he would never win. He knew he would never be the one who was right. Hadrian wouldn't allow it.

He looked out the window. The sun was going to begin to rise at any moment. That meant that Hadrian was going to wake up any moment now.

For whatever reason, he was beginning to dread these moments with Hadrian more and more as each day passed him by. There was this sense, a sinking feeling in his chest. The feeling of him being weighed down by something more. That was what he felt around Hadrian.

That was the feeling that he'd learned to get used to around Hadrian. The feeling of a bird trapped in a cage. The feeling of a boy being destined to never grow up. He hated it. He wanted to jump out of his own skin at the sensation.

"Good morning." Hadrian mumbled gently, still half asleep. "Did you sleep well last night?" He asked Antinous groggily, recalling the fight that they'd had, but hoping that Antinous could have forgiven him for everything that he'd said. He was ready to admit that he was wrong if it meant that things would go back to the way they used to be around him.

"Morning." He mumbled in return, still staring up at the ceiling and lost in his own thoughts. His mind was a jungle, and trying to navigate through it was seemingly impossible, yet someone his jumble of thoughts and memories were still making enough sense to keep him sane. It was fair enough to Hadrian, after the small disagreement that they'd had. Antinous knew that at least for a while he should try to keep his distance as best he could. With how large the building was, he knew that it would be an easy task indeed.

"I'm heading out this morning, but I'll be back at around noon to pick you up again. We're supposed to feast later on in the evening with some sort of small cult currently residing here. I wouldn't want you to miss out." He smiled over at Antinous, who failed even to meet his gaze in return.

"A feast?" Antinous asked, now turning to face Hadrian. Still, a smile did not reach his lips. That fact made Hadrian frown. There was nothing that he loved more than to see that same old smile grace the young boy's lips.

There was nothing that could make him happier, or more joyful than to be able to see that smile once more.

Hadrian cleared his throat. "I'm sorry I argued with you the other night." he started. "I know that you were only trying to help, but at the time I didn't understand that. I thought you were taking Commodus's side instead of mine, or perhaps that our relationship was finally starting to turn sour. I didn't mean to take all my anger out on you." Hadrian stated, hoping that he could make things right again between him and Antinous, but realizing the way that he had acted, he knew that this wouldn't immediately correct things. It was his fault for causing a scene in the end, not Antinous's. He looked up at him. "Let me try to make things right?" He asked.

Antinous hadn't been expecting this. He hadn't been expecting an apology from Hadrian, but here it was. Here were the words that could supposedly make things right. But things weren't right. They never would be. It was Hadrian's love that had stolen his boyhood right out from under him. And now it would be that same love that kept him shackled and caged until he was old and withered. Hadrian had taken everything. The obsession. The madness. Sometimes it was just a bit too much for him to be able to handle. If he was being entirely honest, he wasn't quite sure that he could handle it. But until he could find a way to escape, he had to pretend that he could.

"I may not forgive you yet," Antinous stated. "But maybe I can." Antinous gave him a look through the corner of his eye. "This is a start." He stated, though already knowing that he would never forgive Hadrian, not just for what he'd done to Commodus, but for what he was now doing, and continuing to do. Antinous was a caged bird. But soon it was time to fly free. Soon it was time to leave behind Hadrian. To leave and to go live out the life that he wished he'd been living all these years.

Hadrian smiled down at Antinous, thinking about the life that they would have together once they reached his villa. Thinking about all the fun they would have at the feast later that day. Thinking about how lucky he was to have Antinous in his life. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to place a soft kiss upon Antinous's lips. And that was just what he did.

Antinous couldn't have kept his eyes open even if he wanted to. He thought about what would happen when he was finally able to run away. He thought about all the places he'd go and the things that he would do. Hadrian kissed him, gently, as thought Antinous was still his flower, to hold and to admire. As though Antinous was still nothing more than a weak little boy, despite the years of military training and education. Antinous was smart with a sword, and quick on his feet. As a young man, he wanted nothing more than to be out on the battlefield, defeating his enemies and defending his country just like his childhood hero, Alexander The Great had done. But Antinous had to open his eyes. He had to face the reality in front of him.

Hadrian would have never in a million years let his precious golden boy out onto the battlefield. He would never let Antinous fight in the war. He would never let Antinous do anything but remain safe, by his side, in his grasp forever. His boy, forever. Antinous knew Hadrian would discard him off to the side once he got too old for Hadrian's liking. Then what would Antinous have left? He'd already wasted too many years with the emperor. Now it was time to live his life the way he wanted to.

All that was left to do was make a plan.