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Just InCommunityForumMoreRegrets and Wishes: One More Chance by jnscrtm Anime » Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken/転生したらスライムだった件 Rated: T, English, Hurt/Comfort & Romance, [Rimuru T., Ciel], Words: 104k+, Favs: 190, Follows: 196, Published: May 20, 2022 Updated: Jun 13, 202221Chapter 23: 20 - Ciel: Fragile Heart
CHAPTER 20 - CIEL: FRAGILE HEART
(Rimuru's Perspective)
Walking under the night sky through the town's roadway lit by street lamps, I'm currently heading to my house after completing my businesses with Shizu-san.
Having arrived, I open the door and step in. I suddenly feel a new connection towards my soul. Someone is just connected with me through [Soul Corridor]. It seems Ciel has created a [Soul Corridor] link for Shizu-san. But that's not my concern right now.
I reclose the door and enter my bedroom.
After changing outfit into my usual dark-blue pyjamas, I turn off the room's lamp then lay myself down on the futon bed in the middle of the room, resting my head on a pillow, starting to immerse myself deeply into the vast ocean of thoughts and contemplations.
The memory of Shizu-san asking us if Ciel and I were a couple is still fresh in my mind. The embarrassment I felt from that hasn't disappeared completely.
I do care a lot for Ciel and so does Ciel care a lot for me. We do care for each other. But we never thought about going further than just being in "simple partnership".
"Not yet..." Such words that my mouth unconsciously muttered at the time, it was as if I indirectly told Shizu-san that we weren't, but would be someday. I was so panicked that I could barely take out a proper answer from my mind.
Why did I say that...? Did it really just happen because of my panicking thought?
As panicking as I could be, I would usually just stay silent awkwardly if I couldn't pull out an answer. Rather than panic, it's more like—I turn my gaze at the ceiling—did I, somehow unconsciously, deep inside a part of my own heart that not even I was aware of, want it to happen?
I slightly turn my body to see an empty space at my right side. Ciel is currently not here, as she has asked permission to stay with Shizu-san for a moment longer.
While I was going through that whole walk from health facility to this house without Ciel, and even now, if I have to be honest, I feel terribly lonely. No words to exchange, no hands to hold, and no faces to look at; the walk that should just be less than a hundred metres felt as if I were going for eternity.
It's enough a fact to make me seriously question myself.
Why did I feel that way, even though I already knew that I could always talk with Ciel through our integrated minds if that was all I wanted?
Why was it that when I didn't see her face beside me even just for a short while, my chest started to ache, even though I was originally a slime who wasn't supposed to have physical organs?
And even now, my chest still aches. Perhaps, I've been getting more and more attached to her; when something separates us, I feel like a part of me gets torn up.
I remember the earlier incident, when I unintentionally held Shizu-san's hands. Ciel looked so angry disappointed when I did so. It was also the first time I saw her raising her tone to me, as far as I could remember. It was so fortunate that she could quickly forgive me.
It's not that I was mad at her for being so. I was aware that it was also partly my own fault. But...it does get me thinking.
What does all of this mean? Does this mean that all this time, we harbour a feeling towards each other without neither of us realizing it all this time? A special feeling that exists only between two of us? Or to be exact...
...
...
...
A ROMANTIC FEELING?!
...
Ahhh! I internally scream and scratch my head. My mind gets completely messed up once I reach that sort of conclusion.
"Knock, knock, knock!" Someone is knocking the bedroom's door, pulling me back to reality. "Excuse me."
"You may enter," I say after fixing my position.
The door gets opened, revealing a girl standing behind it. This girl has the same face as me, the same bluish-silver hair as me. The only thing that distinguishes me from her is her gleaming red eyes.
"Here, Ciel." I poke at a pillow right at my side.
Without saying anything, she recloses the door and gets into the futon just as I told her. After changing outfit into her plain-white pyjamas, she rests her head on the pillow, her face facing me directly at such a close distance. Yet, I don't feel any embarrassment, maybe because I've already been used to this for a while. We've been like this for more than a month, after all.
"Ciel," I whisper in a low voice, "once again, I apologize for...having made you angry before."
Ciel lightly shakes her head. "As I said, I have forgiven Master, so Master doesn't need to apologize twice," she answers in a soft tone and a faint smile.
Ciel said that she had forgiven me. But that smile she's wearing right now...it looks as though there's still sadness hiding behind it...telling me that she still can't get over that 'incident' completely.
She nearly opens her mouth again, but quickly closes it again. It's quite obvious to me that she wants to talk about something, but then refrains herself from doing so for some reason.
Back then...I used to not really care about anyone else's feeling.
Yet, look at me now. I can pretty much guess what Ciel is currently feeling with a rather awesome accuracy, simply from looking at her facial expression more observantly and hearing her tone of speech more closely.
But...for some reason...
I want to know so badly...what Ciel is actually feeling. Not just from simply guessing it, but I want to hear it right from her mouth.
...
"Does Ciel perhaps want to keep her master for herself?" With a slightly joking tone, I try to tease Ciel to see what sort of reaction she'll give me.
"..." She just turns her body away from me without saying anything, her back now facing me.
She becomes so quiet out of sudden. But let's see...just how long can you keep being quiet with this, Ciel.
"Don't want to answer, eh, Ciel?" I turn my body to face the bedroom's ceiling. "What would you do if I fall for other girls and women, and get close to them?"
...
With this, I'll maybe take things too far...
But this is the only way to do it.
...
Let's list 'their' names, shall we...?
...
"For example, what if I get close to Shizu-san? She is so beautiful with such a kind and strong heart. Wouldn't it be so nice to get close to her after all the history that we share together? And she is also said to be my 'destined one', on top of that. So, it wouldn't be strange if I got close to the woman I've been destined with, right?
"Oh, and there are also those two oni girls: Shion and Shuna. They always fought for my attention. They were my secretaries who were always helping me with my job, almost every time. If...if I gave them more attention, they would surely fall for it.
"There is also that tsundere paladin: Hinata. She might always be pretending to be unfriendly towards me with that cold gaze of hers, but I know she was actually happy whenever I was close by. I wonder if given more time, I would eventually be able to melt that side of hers.
"And, and...there is that one girl who must be wanting so badly to get as close to me as possible. Of course...she's none other than the hero, Chloe. She was incredibly beautiful and strong, too. And most of all, she had completely fallen head over heels for me! She had even confessed to me in such a young age!"
The first and foremost name I mentioned was, of course, Shizu-san, my "destined one". But what is destiny? What is it and how does it actually work? No one really knows. Not even I can get my head around it.
The general view may perceive it as so, but is destiny really all about "being together forever" or such? Nah, I doubt so. Because, if we're speaking about my and Shizu-san's "actual" destiny, she wouldn't even wake up until more than one week later, just to end up passing away shortly after that.
As such, I and Shizu-san, in the end of the day, are never meant to have "that kind of relationship". Well, we actually can now that Shizu-san has been saved, but that's not how I do my own things.
The second are Shion and Shuna.
I couldn't count just how many times had they fought over me. I even remember that there was a time when my slime form got nearly torn off because of that. They were perhaps just revering me too much, while I only considered them my friends and family.
The third is that paladin, Hinata.
Exactly as I said, she might appear cold on the outside, especially with that gaze as cold as ice, but I know that she was actually happy when I was around. But, was it really because of "that"? I didn't really know, because the vibe that I got from her told me otherwise. I couldn't really understand that particular girl, in the end of the day.
The last, but not the least, was Chloe.
She is, so far, the girl towards whom I have complicated feeling the most. I remember her confessing to me in the Dwelling of Spirits when she was still a little kid. I also remember her "spirit from the future" kissing me on the lips, although I couldn't feel literally anything from it.
I didn't take that confession seriously at the time, because of her age. Although I did say that I wished that she would say it again when she was old enough, I mostly still saw her as my cute little student afterwards.
Now, those were five people.
It was very possible that there are still more who might've fallen for me. I knew because I wasn't as oblivious to my surroundings as I might appear to be.
Because I wasn't like those dense-as-rock anime protagonists who would completely brush things off, Y'ALL KNOW?!
...
I can already feel that the atmosphere around me begins to change, sending a chill throughout my body. But this whole series of "deathly" charade hasn't ended yet. Not until I drop myself along with the last and biggest "suicide bomb" to destroy the target's last "wall of defence".
I'm sorry for this, Ciel...and sorry for myself, too...
"Ah...now I realize just how many girls and women have fallen for me. And I'll someday be a king, too. It's nothing implausible if a king would have many women at his side, right? A 'harem', in other words! And those girls and women whom I've talked about, they must be understanding my position, so they might just let me do it, or even support me from the very start!"
"Harem", the most troubling thing of all...and perhaps also the worst thing I've ever considered.
The idea of creating a harem, I never even thought of it throughout my two-nearly-three years of my second life. It was almost non-existent in my head. I myself didn't necessarily dream of it. I said it just because having a harem is the dream of many other men in any worlds. Emphasis on "many", because in the end, not every single man is like that.
"HA-HA-HA, what a popular guy have I bec—"
Just before I manage to finish my sentence, Ciel grabs my clothes on the collar and violently pulls me towards her, forcing me to look directly at her face.
Saying that Ciel is angry is a massive understatement. The amount of anger visible on her face is beyond what words can describe. From ear to ear, from neck to forehead, the colour of crimson paints the entirety of her face. She's gritting her teeth so hard, her mouth letting out a low but still audible groan, like a volcano that has been waiting for ages to finally explode.
Her gaze is dreadfully sharp, deadly, and cold; I can feel as though a sword coated in a very thin layer of ice touches my neck, ready to cut it off at any times.
This is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen and felt in my entire lives. Just seeing it makes my entire body feels completely numb. Even the angriest expression my parents in my first world had ever made towards me can't even begin to compare with it.
I really have taken things too far...
"Please stop..." she threatens me in a small, raspy voice. "Please do not...trample on the hope...that I have built so high..."
'The hope that I have built so high'...huh? I wonder what that 'hope' would be...
"My master is mine, and solely mine...! I will not"—Ciel tightens her grip on my collar—"ever allow other girls...to take someone...who should have been belonging to me...!"
'Mine and solely mine'? 'Should have been belonging to me'?
So, all this time, you do want to keep me, 'your master', for yourself and only for yourself, huh, Ciel?
...
You are a possessive girl, really a possessive girl.
It's not that I mind it, really. In fact, I'm rather grateful that as possessive as you could get, you didn't vent your anger towards the girl I tried to get closer to if she wasn't the first to make the move, unlike those run-of-the-mill yanderes that I'd seen so many times in animes.
But still...I wish you had said that to me much earlier...so I wouldn't have had to pull out this extreme act.
Ciel suddenly moves from her lying position. Placing one of her legs over my stomach area, she lifts her whole body and sits on the top of me. Her hands are still grabbing my collar, but with an even more powerful grip, as though trying to tear my clothes apart.
"If Master still dares to do any of that anyway...I will do something...to make sure that Master will ABSOLUTELY REGRET THAT DECISION FOR THE REST OF MASTER'S LIFE!" Sharply glaring at me with those eyes full of spite, she drastically raises her tone in the last phrase, to the point that it becomes a scream.
Something to make me 'absolutely regret that decision'...? What is it...? I want to know. But at the same time...I don't want to hear it.
If I hear it...I'm sure it will haunt me every night that I won't be able to sleep peacefully. Because the way she threatened me...already made it sound so frightening.
I notice some water gathering on the corner of her eyes and finally falling from her eyes as droplets of tears without Ciel herself realizing it, quietly telling me that inside her heart, there's an emotion completely the opposite to what she's showing me on her outside appearance.
In other words, it isn't meant to be a threat.
It is a plead. A vehement plead for me not to do any of those despicable things that I mentioned. That shows just how much Ciel doesn't wish for any of those to happen...for any of those to ever become a reality.
...
And that's...
"That's the answer I've been waiting to come from you, Ciel." With a warm smile, I lift my right hand until it touches her soft cheek.
Not expecting that such a reply would come from me, Ciel is utterly baffled. Her whole body gets frozen in place. The power of her grip slowly weakens, and the deadly stare her eyes gave me softens, replaced with wide, stunned eyes.
Now, whom I see in front of my eyes is no one but simply a confused girl who doesn't know what she is supposed to do.
After for a moment of silence we stayed like this, I decide to make my own move. Lifting and placing my left hand on her other cheek, I wipe the tears from her eyes with my thumbs.
"I apologize for teasing you about that kind of stuff." I place my both hands on her shoulders. "But you don't need to concern and distress yourself over every single ridiculous thing that I said earlier."
I look directly at her gleaming red eyes. "Because I won't ever do that. I absolutely won't dare to do any of that."
...
"I...I am...sorry...Master."
Eh? EH?! Betraying my expectation, Ciel instead starts crying, leaving me utterly bewildered.
'Sorry,' she said? But what was she even apologizing for?
"I had grown greedy...for Master's attention..." She sobs every time she finishes one phrase. "I had unknowingly let myself get controlled by my own feelings...to the point that I dared...to audaciously raise my tone...and commit violence against Master... I have committed such disgraceful acts...against the one...to whom I should have shown my respect the most."
What...? So, that's what you're more concerned about, Ciel?
...
Ah, that's right...
Ciel is always like this.
She always wants to do everything perfectly for her master's sake...for my sake.
She wants to be so perfect without a single flaw; only one mistake or two can already plunge her into extreme hesitation and insecurity.
Her outside appearance may appear tough and emotionless. The amount of wisdom that she wields may surpass any sages and wisemen. But inside...her heart is more fragile than a thin layer of glass.
My cheeks are getting wet because of the tears that keep falling from her eyelids. Seeing her like this makes me feel as if my heart gets sliced into countless pieces.
I don't want to see this for any longer.
I place my hands on Ciel's hips then lift her body up, moving her onto the top of my thighs. I move my hands onto the bed then use them to support myself as I'm getting up from lying to sitting position.
Now, Ciel is sitting on my lap while we're facing each other directly in such a close distance.
"It's okay, Ciel." Wrapping my hands around her upper back, I put her into my embrace and bring her head onto my chest. "It's okay, even if you're being greedy."
"Eh?"
I move my right hand to the back of her head and begin to gently stroke her hair and pat her head. "Because I, too, have made you go through all of this just to satisfy my selfishness. It's nothing strange at all if you have things that you want to do and things that you want to have. After I had practically lost all of my companions that day, Ciel, you were the only one I could rely on. I asked you to stay physically with me...to cure the solitude I felt.
And the reason why I always hold your hands whenever we walk together...it is that I want to make sure that you're still there with me. I want to feel that you're real and not a mere hallucination...to feel that you really do exist in front of me. I want to make sure that you don't slip through my fingers...with my own hand."
I have finally admitted another side of truth behind my action at that time, the one that I hadn't told Ciel about in that "memorable night" of ours in Dwargon back then.
I want to let her know that I didn't take her attitude earlier as a complete disgrace. I've practically been pushing her through all of this crap for my own selfish desire. So, Ciel, too, has the right to be selfish, by wanting to keep me, her master and partner, only for herself.
But most of all, there is 'another meaning' behind those words that I intend to convey to Ciel. And I'm sure she will find out about it in a short amount of time.
Because it's as clear as le ciel d'azur for her...for my Ciel.
(A.N., "Le ciel d'azur" in French means "the azure sky", or literally "the sky of azure (colour)")
Without saying a word, Ciel just wraps her hands around my back just as I did to her, burying her face on my chest and tightening her hug on me. I gently stroke her upper back using my left hand, waiting for however long it takes her to calm down.
...
After a few minutes, Ciel seems to have stopped sobbing.
"Let's sleep and take a rest now, okay, Ciel?" I whisper softly as I try to let her go of my embrace. "It's already night."
But Ciel only tightens her hug on me, refusing to let go of me. She's still burying her face on my chest, still no words coming out of her mouth.
Maybe...what has happened tonight really is too much for her to handle.
In a way, I've deliberately hurt her feelings. It's my fault for having dragged her this far using that extreme tease, so I think...I better let her be than force her to let go.
Laying down our bodies together onto the bed, I slightly turn my body, carefully putting her on my right side, still in hugging position. Then, I continue caressing her hair and sometimes patting her head.
"Master?" Ciel finally speaks up, although she still doesn't want to show her face.
"Hmm?"
"May I take it to mean that Master also wants me for himself?"
"Of course, you may." I let out a light chuckle. "In fact, you have to."
Of course, I want you only for myself, Ciel. How many do I have to say that you are my most trusted partner?
Those words that we've exchanged with each other, those smiles that we've shown towards each other, those laughs that we've shared together, and those times that we've spent together—they are very precious to me.
Just thinking about losing you already gives me a shiver down to my spine. Even though I've known that it's nigh-impossible, I feel like I would go insane if you were to be taken from me.
"Is that also a promise?"
"Yes, it is. You'll always be the one who owns the most special place in my heart, Ciel. I will only get close to the others as a friend...as a family. Nothing beyond that."
"Really?" She finally moves her head away from my chest. Turning and showing her face to me, she looks at me in the eye with those hopeful eyes.
'Really'? Am I 'really' serious with my promise? But there's only one obvious answer to that very simple question.
"Yes, really." I carefully sweep her forehead with my left hand, moving away strands of hair that are covering her face. "I promise you, until this soul residing within me disappears completely into nothingness."
It's not just a simple statement that just happens to come out of my mouth. It's a firm declaration and a lifelong vow, that I have to fulfil until the end of my life, if I ever have any.
"Seriously?" she asks me once again.
"Really seriously," I whisper softly. "'Because I am not "myself" without "you". You're my partner in whom I can always put my trust; and it will always be like that, even for eternity.' Haven't I told you so?"
...
"I am so grateful..." Once again, tears come out of her eyes. But this time, the corners of her lips are lifted, revealing an incredibly sweet, gorgeous smile. "Thank you, Master...for always accepting me...even when I have done what I should not have done. Thank you...for always accepting everything about me...and even accepting my worst side that I should not have ever shown."
But then, Ciel begins to sob uncontrollably, slowly erasing that gorgeous smile of hers. "Thank you...for always...accepting me...as who I am."
Right after she finished her series of thanking, she buries her face onto my chest again. Her hands, which have been wrapping my back, now are pressing against me even more strongly, as though she isn't going to let go of me ever again, forever.
I just let her do whatever she wants, while I continue caressing her hair. While I am doing so, I dive deeper into the memories of what I've done in this new journey, recalling every important event that happened to me, Ciel, or our comrades.
Looking back...I think I've changed so much compared to my old self. I think I've become more serious in doing, more cautious in planning, and more contemplative in thinking things through than I used to be.
But, the one I feel the most: I've been slowly losing my interest in screwing over women, notwithstanding my last wish before my reincarnation and what one of my first unique skills was all about.
I no longer feel excited to get into some bar or nightclub with cute elves inside it.
I wonder who did it to me...
I can't think of any possible answers but this girl that I am currently hugging. Ciel really has changed me in many possible ways.
I begin to close my eyes.
After the warmth she gave me that day...a fire was lit in my heart.
It had been lighting my way like a torch, keeping me guided...making sure that I wouldn't fall into the dark abyss of despair for the second time.
I was no longer hesitant.
But then...lay before me an 'intersection'. That 'intersection' branched into countless paths; I hesitated again.
That was why...I wanted to hear what she really felt and wanted right from her mouth. Because I wanted to make sure that I knew exactly what path to choose...once I decided to go further.
Something as simple as a mere guess could be fatally misleading, after all.
Now...as I'm preparing myself to take the first step down the path I've chosen, that fire is still burning.
And it burns even brighter than ever before.
~TO BE CONTINUED~
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