13.1.2

The instant he heard that confession of love, an indescribable impact shot through Subaru's whole body.

From the crown of his head to the tips of his toes, he felt like a bolt of lightning had passed through him.

Every hair on his body was standing up, and every pore was open. All the blood coursing through his body seemed to be boiling and steaming. His chest beat so loud and hard that it hurt. Subaru breathed unevenly as he backed away.

Subaru knew: He could not stay here.

If he didn't leave, her breath would reach him. Her fingers would touch him.

Instinctively, Subaru understood that if he did not flee to a safe place, he would be swept away by "love."

"Stop it…"

"I love you."

"Please stop…"

"I have always loved you, and only you, with all my heart."

"I told you to stop, damn it—!!"

With a hoarse voice, he spurned her. Still, the fire in Subaru's chest didn't abate at all.

His mind rejected her, but his soul found her a source of comfort. This inconsistency set Subaru's heart aflame as he wrestled against the contradiction within himself.

If he didn't do so, he was absolutely certain that the very core of his being would become totally warped.

The very first ray of light Subaru Natsuki had found in this world was his love for Emilia.

Summoned to a foreign place with no one to depend on, she was the one who reached out to him in his time of crisis. How much had her existence been his salvation? During the dark days when he died over and over again, his feelings only grew as his soul cried out for her.

He could no longer say that his feelings for Emilia were the only reason he continued forging ahead. Subaru had gained a great many things since his arrival. He had met many people whom he now cared for deeply.

However, the Witch of Jealousy's compulsion was so powerful that it rivaled all those emotions put together.

The conversations and warm touches he had shared, the time he had spent with others, the many bonds he had forged—all the love contained within these moments were in danger of being stripped from him despite the fact that there was nothing real between him and this Witch.

If this wasn't the definition of repulsive, then what else could it be?

"You're insane…you and Echidna both! This place…it's filled with people who make no sense! I've had it! I'm done, damn it!!"

Subaru scattered angry shouts with a frenzied face, making his refusal as clear as possible.

He didn't want to be by Jealousy's side, in front of Echidna, or stay in the company of the other Witches for a single second longer. Subaru had countless other things he ought to be doing. There was nothing he needed here.

—This is a waste of time. I want to get out of here, right now. Please, release me…

"I won't take help from any of you! I'll deal with all the problems outside by myself. That's fine, isn't it?! That's what I should've done from the start!"

"And then? You'll die again, repeat the cycle, and make everyone cry time after time? Then you'll excuse it by saying their tears are an unavoidable sacrifice? Wow, how admirable of you."

When Subaru bid them farewell, Minerva applauded him with a sour look on her face. Subaru turned his bloodshot eyes toward her, yelling "So what?!" and flaring his nostrils as he glared at Minerva.

"What does it have to with you? You got a problem with Return by Death? The pain, the suffering, the trauma—those are all my problem and no one else's, damn it. Either way, it's none of your business."

"Must be nice to say you're resigned to pain and suffering. No matter what the people watching you think, you can keep making excuses by saying you're the one who has it toughest."

"What did you say…?!"

"If your suffering is the most obvious, no one around you is allowed to say a word. You're the one suffering the worst, after all…so the weak voices around you just stay silent. Of course they do."

As Minerva spoke, the tone of her voice steadily grew stronger and angrier. Subaru could not remain silent.

"Are you—Are you trying to say I'm drowning in some self-made tragedy just to shut up everyone around me?! That I'm only at a dead end right now because I want to star in my own tragic drama?!"

"That's not really what I'm getting at. This it's fine if I'm the one who's hurting the most idea is low and unfair. I think Echidna's a blackhearted schemer, too, and I know exactly how underhanded she can be…but I think you're twisted in a way that's creepier than any Witch."

"_______"

"More than anything, as someone who hits everything that's hurt to heal it, your way of living isn't just the direct opposite of mine—it makes you my natural enemy. Something like that is just too cruel for her."

After airing all her grievances and slamming them against Subaru's feelings, Minerva finally looked toward Jealousy.

Jealousy had gone silent ever since Subaru shouted at her, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with Minerva, or showing any sign of reacting to the conversation at all. The faint tears in Minerva's eyes told Subaru that she found it a lonely sight. —But that didn't matter to him at all.

"Creepy…? Cruel…?"

Subaru bent forward, his shoulders trembling. The trembling gradually grew stronger until finally, Subaru lifted up his face and laughed. It was so overwhelmingly stupid, he couldn't help but laugh.

"The hell is that supposed mean? Creepy or not, why do you think I decided to do things this way? How do you think I ended up becoming 'twisted'? The way I see it, my methods and my way of thinking are just a natural result of what I've been through. Am I wrong?"

"_______"

"You! You made me like this, goddamnit!!"

Subaru shouted his anger at Jealousy, who seemed to stand there in silence to escape all responsibility.

Through accepting and using Return by Death, Subaru had overcome many challenges. The despair he tasted from embracing death again and again was carved into his soul. That was how Subaru had gotten this far.

—This was the road of scars that had led Subaru Natsuki to his current way of thinking.

"The pain, the suffering! All that should be for me! If I'm the only one who gets hurt, that's better for everyone, ain't it?! No matter how hard it gets, I'll just clench my teeth and bear it… That way, no one else has to go through what I do! As long as no one but me gets torn up from start to finish…well, what the hell's wrong with that?!"

"Shouldering everything by yourself without saying a word to anyone else… It's as if you think no one besides you is capable of doing anything."

"If I didn't do anything, what would have changed? Wouldn't we just end up with horrible futures? If not me, then who?! Who else could've gotten this far?!"

Through trial and error by repeatedly using Return by Death, Subaru had discovered the optimal path.

It was just like Echidna had said. He wasn't thrilled to agree with the sweet whisperings of the Witch who was taking advantage of his resolve to fulfill her own selfish desires, but he could still stay the course regardless.

If a scarred Subaru could find a path to a future where no one else had to get hurt, then—

"Earlier, I said I can't understand you and that I'm sick of all this. Sorry about that. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't take even one bit of it back, but it's true I'm grateful to you, too. It was real shitty of me to forget that in the moment."

"_______"

"I'm grateful to you for one thing and one thing only. Thanks…for giving me Return by Death. That's all I'm thankful for. Without that, I wouldn't have been able to protect a fly. I'll keep relying on this power from here on out as well. So for that alone, I'm thanking you."

He was determined to continue making progress through trial and error. The option of running away had disappeared long ago.

—Ever since the moment he'd grasped a certain girl's hands and asked her to run away together, only to be rejected.

Running was not an option. His only choice was to keep fighting. That was what he'd sworn to do. She expected that from Subaru, too. She trusted that Subaru wouldn't give, wouldn't run away.

She trusted that Subaru was a man who could climb back onto his feet. If he couldn't do that, he'd never be able to face her again.

"That's why I'm thanking you only for the power you gave me. Even a guy like me with no redeeming features can bust through a hopeless dead end like…"

"—Don't."

"A dead end…like…"

With one phrase, Jealousy stopped Subaru in his tracks, keeping him from venting the dark emotions dominating the inside of his chest.

That faint, whisper-like murmur dulled his momentum. His cheeks hardening, Subaru breathed hard as he blinked.

What did she say to him just then? After a momentary, silent pause, Jealousy spoke to Subaru.

"—Don't cry. Don't hurt yourself. Don't suffer. Don't…make such a sad face."

Jealousy pleaded with Subaru, as if urging him or maybe even praying.

Her words clouded the fierce emotions in Subaru's heart; part of it was anger, part of it was surprise, and the rest was a mix of various emotions that made no sense whatsoever.

"Wh-why are…you saying…"

His throat caught in shock. He didn't know how he should respond. All he could do was stare at Jealousy, bewildered…

Subaru was already shaken, but Jealousy was not done yet.

"Love, please."

"I-in the end, that's what it's all about…? You twist my feelings, then tell me to love you? Who'd love someone like…"

"—No."

When Subaru tried to reject her through his trembling, Jealousy engaged him in conversation for the first time. Even then, he could not see her face. However, in his soul, he knew what expression Jealousy was making as she gazed at him from the other side of that curtain of darkness.

He knew what face Jealousy—no, Satella—was looking at him with at that very moment.

"—Love yourself more."

—She was surely gazing at him with a look of affection.

Even though the meaning of her words had already permeated Subaru's brain, it still took a fair bit for them to register. The moment understanding spread through his mind, Subaru's heart was overwhelmed by a wave of indescribable sensations.

"What the hell…are you even saying?"

"Don't hurt yourself. Don't be sorry. Take…better care of yourself."

"Shit, you're the one who gave me Return by Death. You're the one who gave me this power that lets me move forward, damn it!"

"—I love you. That's why…I want you to love and protect yourself."

"If you take away the way I cope, the way I defend myself, then what the hell do I have left?!"

Rejecting Satella's whispers of inexhaustible love, Subaru shouted, pressing his hand hard against his own chest.

"You know, don't you?! I don't have any power! No smarts or special skills, either! I don't have a single advantage of my own! I don't have anything but the Return by Death ability you gave me! That's why the only thing I can pay with is my own life!"

"Don't be sad."

"If I'm hurt more than other people, if I see more things than other people, if I can run around protecting everyone, then no one but me has to go through this awful stuff! That's all I want!"

"Please don't cry."

"You don't really care what happens to me, do you?! Whatever happens to a guy like me, no one's gonna shed a tear! No matter how beat-up I get, if everyone can reach the future safe and sound, then that's…!"

After all, if Subaru didn't stay on the front line, continuing to be hurt like that—

"If I can get to tomorrow without losing anyone, that's…"

—There was a chance he might lose someone in a way he could never undo.

"…Rem's…gone."

"_______"

"It never would've happened if…if I was smarter, if I had any power, if I'd cared less for myself, if only I'd laid my life on the line in the first place…"

The sense of loss and despair from that time still weighed heavily on Subaru Natsuki.

That was why Subaru chose to rely on no one but himself while continuing to fight his painful battles alone. If choosing to rely on someone else or seeking out aid meant he would lose another person dear to him, then—

"If I don't believe that…if I don't believe that there has to be a way to make this work…"

If he could master how to use it, Subaru wouldn't have to lose anything.

He could solve everything with Return by Death.

If he lost faith in that idea, if he stopped telling himself his suffering was necessary and he couldn't convince himself anymore, then how could he ever confront that despair again…?

"I…! I don't wanna lose anyone else like how I lost Rem—!!"

Clutching his head, Subaru screamed in denial of anything and everything beyond himself.

He realized that at some point, he'd slumped to the ground. With Satella right before his eyes, he was cowering inside his shell, shutting out her soft, tiny whispers.

She was poison. A deadly substance. Satella's very existence was like a sweet venom that melted Subaru's hardened heart. As it melted, frigid despair seeped into the cracks that had opened up, dredging up the crushing loss he felt that day.

"You're not a child, are you?"

Out of the blue, he heard a voice murmur.

As Subaru tearfully shouted while stubbornly clinging to the conclusion he'd reached all alone, one of the Witches who had been silent so far looked directly at Subaru as she muttered, shaking her head in disapproval.

"Crying, mewling, throwing a tantrum, taking on everything by yourself…that's just like…"

"_______"

"…a sad, lonely child, no?"

With a pitying voice, Sekhmet passed judgment on Subaru. Not one of the wordless Witches present uttered a word of denial. Everything she had said rung true.

In this moment, Subaru was nothing but a small, frail child. It was too painful to even watch.

"—Baru, are you crying…?"

As he remained on his knees, Subaru abruptly felt his head being enveloped by something soft. Through his teary vision, he saw Typhon, the olive-skinned little girl who governed Pride.

Standing at his side, the little girl was gently embracing Subaru's head. Then, without moving from her spot—

"It's so sad seeing you cry like this… Who's the one who made you cry?"

Pitying Subaru, Pride surveyed the Witches gathered at the tea party with her red eyes. He sensed that the dangerous look in her gaze was slowly but surely causing the strained, tenuous equilibrium between the Witches to crumble.

"Was it Tella? Daffy? Milla? Sigh? Or was it Nerva who…well, I guess probably not. Then was it Dona who did something bad to you again? Who was bad?"

"Wh-why did you take me off the list right away? Even I can h-h-hurt someone, you know."

"Your face goes pale just from imagining it. You're not capable. More importantly, why was I the only one who came out as a firm suspect, I wonder? It makes me want to meet the parents who raised you and question them in great detail…"

"Because that is a daily affair for you, sigh."

Typhon vigilantly watched the Witches as they reacted. She was eager to root out the "bad person who made Subaru cry." The fact that the suspects were her fellow Witches was no reason for them to be exempt from her punishment.

Still, these women all possessed supernatural powers that could destroy whole nations or perhaps even the entire world itself. With all of them gathered in the same place at the same time and ready to lash out at the slightest provocation, this tea party was more dangerous than playing with matches next to a powder keg.

Pride, clutching the head of the crying boy, was keen on punishing whoever had sinned.

Wrath, siding with her own murderer, was adamant on making sure the quiet Witch's feelings were heard.

Sloth, keeping an eye on everyone equally, was lazily waiting to instantly smash whoever would make the first move.

Gluttony, showing no interest in the changing circumstances, was craving to take advantage of everything going on to satisfy her hunger.

Lust, maintaining her neutrality, was clutching at her own head as if to protect herself alone.

Greed, with a faint trace of hatred remaining in her glimmering eyes, was inquisitively watching for any shifts in the balance of power.

And finally, the Witch called Satella, who was apparently not the Witch of Jealousy—

"—I…love you. Because you…gave me light. Because you took my hand, and you taught me about the world outside. Because…when I trembled on lonely nights, you never stopped holding my hand. Because when I felt lonely, you kissed me and said that I wasn't alone. You gave me so many things… That's why I love you. Because you…you gave me everything."

She showed no intention of cutting short her whispers of love for the kneeling Subaru, who didn't seem to register anything she said.

He couldn't understand. He didn't get any of it. He'd never met Satella before, nor had he ever exchanged words with her. Everything she was saying had to be the product of her delusions. She wasn't any different than Petelgeuse, another person who had gone mad with love.

All that should have been true. And yet, Subaru Natsuki knew.

"What the hell…? What's this…inside me? I don't want any of these feelings. Don't…tie me to memories I don't have… How could… How could I…for someone like you…?!"

I hate you is what he wanted to add.

The word hate did not truly suffice. He detested this person. He didn't feel a single shred of good will toward her. If she was going to force such self-centered feelings of love onto him, he might as well see what kind of face she was making. It would be something to behold, no doubt.

—How can you do this to her…?

"—!"

Having reached the pinnacle of a supposedly impossible contradiction, Subaru's mind went blank. The next moment, Subaru "addressed" the confusion. There could be no more direct way to do so.

"…Baru?"

It was Typhon, touching Subaru, who was the first to notice the change. The little girl's eyes went wide as she realized that strength had drained from Subaru even as he remained kneeling within her arms. She immediately noticed something else.

A large quantity of blood was dripping from his mouth. Subaru had bit his tongue.

"—Ahh, so this is another option you have, Subaru Natsuki."

As the various Witches reacted to his decision, Echidna was the only one whose cheeks slackened in joy.

"—Gh, puh."

This was Echidna's castle of dreams. Subaru's real body wasn't here. Accordingly, dying in this place was a death of the mind, which ran the risk of leaving his body an empty husk.

Even after considering the possibility, Subaru tried to end it nonetheless. Death was Subaru's only hope—

"You…absolute idiot—!!"

The moment Minerva noticed Subaru trying to take his own life, her face reddened as she flew into action. She raised her fist, brimming with the power of healing, and prepared to slam it into Subaru. But before she could, Typhon stood in her way.

The young Witch spread both arms wide, shielding Subaru behind her as much as her little body could.

"Baru chose this himself! Don't get in his way, Nerva!"

"Hurting yourself, killing yourself, hurting others, killing others—I won't allow any of it! Mental suffering is beyond me! If I can't see it, there's no way for me to know when someone's hurt! So that's why instead, I never ignore any wounds I can see, even it means destroying the world!!"

With one determined step forward, which left a crater in the hill, Minerva slammed her fist into Typhon's face.

It wasn't an exaggeration to say it hit like a cannonball that could crush whole boulders. However, the instant her fist came into contact with a living thing, the force of her blow changed from being destructive to healing—and so, only the momentum of the impact remained.

With an explosive roar, Minerva's strike sent the young Witch's childlike body flying. However, while she had managed to overcome the obstacle, it was not just Typhon who'd taken damage.

The right arm Minerva had swung with cracked like a shattered glass window. The Witch of Pride had deemed her actions evil; this was the result of being touched by her judgment.

The pain of having lost her arm made Minerva turn her face up toward the sky, opening her mouth wide in—

"—Piece of caaaaake—!!"

—what was decidedly not a scream of pain. The Witch of Wrath was so sensitive to the suffering of others that she put her own aside no matter what. Her calling Subaru's methods twisted while stubbornly adhering to her own extreme ideals was truly the pot calling the kettle black.

"Anyway! With this, I'll…!"

"Sigh…the next one to interfere…is me."

An instant later, a blow that came from straight above knocked Minerva off the hill.

After her entire body was forced into the ground, Minerva left a human-shaped indentation on the grassy plain. Lifting up her head, she looked toward Sekhmet with a face marred with rage and shouted:

"Don't interfere, Sekhmet!!"

"I can do no such thing, phew. Emotionally, I am on the boy's side, sigh. You could probably say I'm also on Typhon's side, phew. So you see, I have no reason not to interfere, sigh."

Faced with Sekhmet's declaration of opposition, Minerva resentfully bit her lip and scanned the area. Unfortunately for her, Daphne and Carmilla were maintaining their neutrality in this dispute, while Echidna was nothing but a detached observer awaiting the results. And Satella was—

"Agh, aghhh…"

Subaru continued heaving up terrible amounts of blood as the Witch knelt in her black dress, her voice shaking as she spoke to him.

The frothy blood pouring from the boy's torn tongue was blocking his throat. Subaru was drowning in his own blood as he caught sight of Satella.

Finally, I'll be free, he thought. But the moment he noticed her grieving, his relief evaporated like ephemeral mist.

"Why haven't you realized…? That somewhere among all the things you wish to save, shouldn't there be a spot for you, too…?"

Why did she think about Subaru that way?

Just how much had Subaru soothed her heart during those delusions she must've had?

"Just like many other people, fate has led you to many dead ends. But just because you have the chance to change those… Why can't you see…that you're someone who deserves to be saved, too…?"

There had to be…some mistake.

Subaru was an unredeemable person, unable to take care of even the things that were within his reach. He couldn't even save just the people he wanted to save. He couldn't break free from his inadequacy, his immaturity.

Hadn't he sworn to change? To stop being such a fool?

Hadn't he decided to act cool?

The part of him that was weak and the part of him that didn't want to be weak anymore warred inside him.

He'd made a vow—a vow to the girl who had chosen him to be her hero.

He could not go back on that vow. He had to challenge death, to desire death, to face death head-on.

—If she knew of this, would she be happy? Would she be sad?

—What would she think of Subaru, who she'd wished to be her hero?

He couldn't think about it. He couldn't know about it. This was a dangerous line of thought.

Subaru Natsuki was fine with that. He did not think of himself as a person anyone would miss.

He was not a human being with that kind of worth. Subaru's life was an expendable commodity. And so, like any other resource, all he needed to do was use it, and use it as much as necessary to make sure he reached the end.

It was simple. In order to gain something valuable, something worthless would be exhausted. It was only natural. The decision was so obvious, anyone would do the same, wouldn't they? All Subaru had was his life.

He would save the lives of precious people who needed to be saved, lives that would never return.

If he could manage that at least, Subaru could—

"What happened in the second Trial…? What did you see…?"

Trial. —Trial. Trial, "Trial." Trialtrialtrial, Trialtrialtrialtrial, Trial—?

Shock and insufficient oxygen had severely dulled his mind.

His vision was finally becoming indistinct, and the world began to flash red. White noise like television static filled his thoughts. Subaru hazily considered that the end was near.

The end would finally come.

With this, how many times would he have greeted death? It was annoying to count, but that was fine.

Sooner or later, he would confront death so many times that he'd be tired of counting anyway.

He didn't think the human mind could withstand remembering the number of deaths it had experienced.

He readied his heart into steel. A heart of steel that would not be swayed by anything—

Finally, Subaru's consciousness slowly, gently melted into the darkness—

"—I've got high hopes for you, son."

There was…a sound.

From somewhere on the other side of the white noise, from the chaotically reflecting noises, he heard…something very clear.

"—Come back soon."

There it was again.

He heard a different sound. But this resonated in his chest in the same way.

"—I…wanted to call you my friend."

A different sound, a sound that carried another feeling.

The sounds were far from calming. But still, they were comforting.

"Why…why?!! Why, Subaru… How could you do this so easily…!"

A different sound again.

The sound of parting filled his chest with a sense of desolation and something resembling longing, a feeling that made him want to say he was sorry.

"I knew that…at the very least, you weren't That Person…but…"

A new sound made his chest tighten.

It was impossible to remain detached and unemotional. This was a tearful sound. It was the sound of someone who he shouldn't make cry. Who he had to protect. Who he had to save. Sound. Sound. Sound.

"Please show me your good parts, Subaru."

Reacting to the sound, a kind of thump rang out.

The inside of his body grew hot. A sense of duty stirred within him. That sound had always supported him.

And then—

"Thank you, Subaru."

There was…a sound.

"—Thank you…for helping me."

—A sound that heralded the beginning of…everything.