Lonely Panic Attack

"My time is precious, uncle Krystian. Right now, I have better things to worry about, and to take care. As I said, he is meaningless to me, even if he happened to be a cool guy and mom happened to have lied, it's too late to build any kind of uncle-and-niece relationship. They never cared about me, never even came here when my dad died, when my world turned upside down and I needed help even if I wasn't screaming for it," I hissed bitterly.

"My mother was a shit mom my entire childhood, and they never cared. Never called. Never tried to reach out. Never. So, don't blame me for not wishing to have anything to do with them now," clenching my jaw, I swallowed hard. "They made their choice and so did my mother when she never bothered in bringing me with her to England when she went to meet them. I was never important enough for her to insist in a meeting between us. I'm an adult now, she made sure of it."

Looking away from the phone, I felt my eyes burning. "It's been almost 7 years since everything came crashing down on me, and I only had you two by my side. You are my family. You are more my family than my own family ever was, more than they will ever be. It's not fair to want me to try anything with those who never tried shit with me. They were all cuddled up with their other siblings, nephews and nieces, in their perfect little rainy British world, and I was alone out here, without anyone who's blood related to me."

"Father's family brushed it off as if it was the most normal shit in the world, and they quickly accepted the shit mother did because it was with dad's sister. As if that didn't make it worse. And the only blood related person I thought I had, was the one to kick me in the gut. She was the one who betrayed my dad, betrayed me, to be with my mother. I love her, but I'll never be able to act the way I used to."

"I was stupid, foolish, naive, and blunt. I ignored stuff just so I could enjoy the little to none time I had with dad, and the scrambles mom gave me. And I can't even blame my dad and aunt Kamila for it, because they died," I pushed the phone aside, making them face the ceiling, as I felt hot tears rolling down my eyes. "I know you lost someone too, and that my dad was a bastard to you, but... but at least you still have each other. Uncle Krystian was always the best, and he was always with you, now even more."

As my hands began shaking, I clenched them in fists, "I wasn't that lucky. I lost my godmother, my father, my relationship with my aunt, and the little I had with my mom. All of my dad's family began to avoid me because I got depressed, when the only thing I needed was for them to reach out to me. My mother's family never cared for me, just as she didn't either. You're what's last for me, and I couldn't hold onto you because you were breaking too. And... ugh," I growled annoyed with myself.

"I'm sorry, I... I don't have the right to be like this with you. Especially not when aside from the whole disloyalty and cheating, aunt Kamila was always present, and did everything for you. You lost something way more palpable than I did. I... I shouldn't be talking about this either," I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Lia, tell uncle Krystian all I told you about what mom did, when you have time. I'll hang up now. I'll meet you in the airport tomorrow morning by 4:30 am. Love you, bye," before they could say anything else, I touched the hang up button.

Gripping my phone hard, I pushed the tears aside and took a deep breath. Cursing myself for showing such a weak side to them, when I had made sure they wouldn't notice how broken I still am. They healed each other, but I had no one to help me with that, I'm still in the dark of my pain, and I'm doing the best not to be swallowed by it.

"Fuck, now I'll have to wait until my face gets back to normal to leave this damn office, because my skin is damn annoying and turns blood red when I cry," I put my phone down on the desk and covered my face with my hands.

As anxiety began to creep inside of me, both my hands and legs began to shake as if I was sick. My heartbeat quickened in a bad way and I began to feel cold sweat swarming on my skin. Memories of the past began to take over my mind and make it all worse.

If I had... If I had gotten in that car as they asked me to... If I hadn't made a fuzz and insisted I was going to stay at home after the fight I had with dad... I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be suffering. I wouldn't be going through this shit.

Mother would be living a happier and perfect life with aunt Monika and Cyryl, without the broken me in the picture. Cecylia and uncle Krystian wouldn't be having to worry for me, and would be able to live their lives just for themselves. The burden of having to deal with all I inherited from dad, because he had to put all he had in his life in my name for God knows why, wouldn't be weighting me down.

"One..."

I began to count, to try calming myself down, as I have no one else to help me with my anxiety and panic attacks, since no one knows I still have them.

"T-t-two... t-t-three..."

Things would be better to everyone if I wasn't here. Mom would be happy. Monika would be happy. The living reminder of her relationship with dad would be gone, and she would be able to build her perfect family, without her walking mistake here reminding her of what she did.

"F-f-f-fo-four..." My chest rose and fell, and it got even harder to breath. Harder to speak. Harder to think.

Tears kept falling from my cheeks and I felt my vision messy and blurry. Probably because I've been refusing to use my eyeglasses since I watched dad and aunt Kamila dying in front of me. Dad was the one who got me the glasses, when he noticed I had difficulty of seeing things from far away.

"F-f-fi-five..."

Cold shivers spread down my body and I felt them reverberating through all of my bones.

"S-s-six..."

I can't... I can't die now. I can't... Cyryl needs me. He... he needs me.

"S-s-se-sev-seven..."

I can't die... not when... not when Rafał is now in my life... if he still wants me... even though I'm younger... I can't die. I want to... he made me want to live... he made me feel something... something real for the first time... in almost 7 years. I can't die... I can't die... not anymore. I can't... I can't!

۞۞۞۞۞

I left the house as soon as I managed to get my shit together and not look as if I had been through a plane wrack and a panic attack. Even if one of those were true. After saying goodbye to the others and reminding them that they can rest until the second week of January after they are done with what they need to do today, I hopped on my Harley with In the Stars by Benson Boone blasting on my ears on repeat, and went back to my mom's home.

Wiktoria was there when I arrived, having some cookies with mother and aunt Monika in the living room, and holding Cyryl in her arms. I took off my shoes before entering and toned down the volume of the song in my ear pods. "Aunt Wiktoria," I greeted her from afar and took off my hood.

"Zee," she smiled at me. "The girls told me you will be leaving to Switzerland tomorrow. Is everything alright?"

"Couldn't be better," I said blankly.

"Do you have an itinerary already?" Is she asking because she lived there before, or because my mother and Monika asked her to ask me in their place?

"Warsaw to Geneva. Geneva to Zermatt, Zermatt to Davos, Davos to St Moritz, St Moritz to Zurich, Zurich to Warsaw," I cleaned the snow from my shoulders, then turned to my mother. "Uncle Krystian told me your little brother whom you despise, King, is in town. Is it true?"

She blinked and her jaw dropped, "Why did he told you that?"

"Because someone had to, since you are very akin to keeping everything a secret from me," my voice came out as bitter as possible. "Hand me the documents of my emancipation before the end of the day," then I turned to my baby brother who was looking at me with his doe cute eyes shining with love. I walked to him and kneeled to get him on my arms, "How are you today, my little bunny?"

"Good, good, good. Missed you, Zee," he hugged me tight, still dressed in his winter baby blue pajamas.

"Aye, big sis missed you too, little bunny. So, what do you think of big sis taking you to see me ice skating around the Warsaw Mermaid?"

He beamed, "I wanna do it too, Zee."

I clicked my tongue, "I'll teach you after you turn 3, how about it? I can ice skate with you in my arms though. It'll feel a bit like the same. What do you think?"

"Yeeeeeeessssss!"

I side-eyed mother and Monika and they nodded in agreement. "Then big sis will take you out tonight. We can also go to the Christmas Market in Warsaw's Old Town and you can pick whatever you want, and sis will give it to you. Sounds good?"

"Good, good, good. Love you much, much, much."

Aye, my weak heart. "I love you much, much, much more. I'll go pack everything for tomorrow, and when I'm done, I'll get you ready and then I'll get ready for us to go, alright?"

"Mmhm," he kissed my cheek. "Love you."

I caressed his fluffy hair, "Love you more."