humiliation or humility

Jones

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep

The sound of blaring alarm jolted me out of the darkness. Opening my eyes, I saw a white ceiling. Glancing to the left I see a gurney with doctors surrounding it, police officers standing at the door. I can hear the argument between him and a nurse, the nurse screaming the person on the gurney is a patient while the officer demanded that they cuff him, even in this state.

Looking closer, I saw that it was Mad Man. He was covered in blood - and in doctors. He seemed to be staring down at me, mocking me even.

Swish

The curtain closed, a white hand reaching while a low voice said something to the nurse. The nurse and two other staff then came and unlocked my gurney, rolling me down the hall, into a secluded room. After checking my IV and wiping my crusted eyes for me, she left. She didn't say a word - but I saw the pity in her eyes.

How humiliating.

****

Gen

Detective Davis, will you go in? A female officer asked

Gens shoulder shook.

Looking up, he realized he spaced out.

The boy.. he can't stop thinking about him. Is it pity? An obligation since he caught the assailant basically too late?

"You should go. I think it would be better to have a male go in with him. Many male victims never report due to the humiliation and embarrassment. People aren't kind either." She whispered

…

Knock knock

Entering the small room, I greeted the boy on the bed. He seemed so small and slim, like he could be 15. How is he 19?

The urge to protect cute loveable things hit me again.

Clearing my throat, I placed my hands in clear view on my legs as I sat down next to the bed.

"Hi Maxim. I'm Officer Davis. You can call me Gen if that makes you more comfortable. I'm here because I need to ask questions about what happened so I can help you the best I can. If that's okay?"

The boy nodded, his hair bouncing and lips pursed.

Embarrassed. He probably felt ashamed.

"First thing I want to say is it's not your fault. Things happen and while unexpected and hurtful, is not the end. Those things will build you up to a new person, and you'll be able to construct your life around healing. so don't worry. I don't judge and would never scorn or make fun of your pain and what you've gone through. I look at you and I want you to know I see the strong survivor. A soldier. Someone who made it though a storm that many never leave."

****

June

"You're a soldier. A survivor."

Hearing this I teared up. It's like my exact worries were heard and I've been worrying for nothing.

I couldn't stop it. A huge sob broke out of me, and I felt that my wail was heard all through out the ward. Officer Davis held my hand.

I decided to call him Gen from then on.

"Humiliation will humble you. Humility will lift you up. You will get back up." He added, patting my back.

"Here's my card. There's always a spot in the academy for you- if you want to channel your humiliation into something else."

After taking my statement, which I could barely give - every other word cracked with my emotions swirling. But he was patient.

"Thank you," I whispered. He rubbed my head

As if right on cue my parents burst in-

***

After exchanging contact and briefing my parents on what happened, my parents walked in. There were pamphlets in my mothers hand from Gen, but she stuffed them in the trash.

"How can you still be a man?!" She screeched

Of course.

What did I expect?

My father approached me. I was reaching to hold his hand to tell him nothing happened when he slapped me.

Crack

The sound was crisp.

"And you cried!?"

Crack

My tooth bit into my lip.

Blood dripped out the corner of my mouth.

"I'm sorry, father."

"This never happened. Your emotions? Lose them. This is useless. You're getting married and having kids. You won't be a faggot son of mine. You disgust me. You've been tainted and we will never let anyone know. You will get it together by the time you leave this hospital, or I will kill you myself!!"

Crack

I just want to sleep, I thought. I'd rather put my life on autopilot. Can't somebody else drive for me? I cried inside.

A voice inside me said,

Is that really what you want?

Yes.. it's what I want. I don't want to feel emotions. I hate who I am. I cry so easily and I'm weak. My parents hate me. I just wish that if it can't all end, that I wouldn't have to go through it.

How does that even make sense.. ?!

I yelled at myself

Crack

"You will never speak of this. When you leave, I will send you overseas to your grandmas. Come back after finishing school. You are not my son, you are dirty. So I need you gone and don't come back until your clean!!!"

Crack

I hate this…

What if you had to give up control? What if your body did bad things.. and what if you didn't like it and couldn't stop it? Then what?

As long as it's not Big Bro.. or Gen

Are you sure?

I don't know if was talking to my imagination, but something reached out to me. It said it could save me. It's just me comforting myself in my mind..

Yes. I am sure.

Crack

"Honey stop…!"

….