Cowardice

"People cry...not because they're weak. But because they have been strong for far too long."

-Anonymous

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Gauhar's POV

"Are you- are you alright Haru?" I felt a tiny hand on my cheek, wiping away the wetness that had mysteriously gathered there. Her high pitched little voice was laced with concern that made my heart melt. Though I was aware that distressing anyone because of my inability to control my thoughts about what had happened was not a good thing.

It was heartening to know that these little kids cared for me....cared enough to realise when I was not feeling alright.

I placed my hand on the little one that so delicately cradled my cheek, looking up to lock my eyes with the warm guileless brown doe eyes I felt a small smile curve my lips.

Her golden hair were flying in the breeze, and the pure and innocent smile on her face made me feel as if she were otherworldly, not from this world that was filled with selfish people who cared for nobody but themselves. The cut on her lip was the only thing that marred the illusion.

I vehemently wanted protect her from getting tainted by the reality of this harsh world. I wanted to protect her innocence and the guileless purity in her eyes. I didn't want her to turn out like me....like everyone that was flawed. These kids, they deserved a lot more than they had. I didn't want them to be consumed by the vices of greed, the contentment that lit up their faces as they ate the little gifts that others sent for them, broke my heart anew.

I hope I could protect this simplicity, I WOULD protect it not matter how hard it would be for me.

"How did you escape them Beth?" I whispered to her, talking out loud I felt would burst this little bubble that surrounded us. And I wanted to stay like this just a little longer, in the company of a human being that was yet pure and unmarred.

"They had pushed Jacob down, and were about to beat him because they had to 'teach him a lesson'." I felt warm hot anger flash in her brown orbs, she clutched my hand harder...and I knew she was gritting her teeth as she recounted what had happened "I threw a stone in their direction, and others saw it and joined. We all made them run away together." She smiled triumphantly, I couldn't help but smile myself....the satisfaction in her voice was contagious and I was basking in it.

*If only I had had the strength to make them go away that time, if only I wasn't as much of a coward. If I only I hadn't let it happen. If only…*

I wrapped my fingers around my throat feeling it difficult to breath as the recollections suffocated me. I hated the warmth that flowed out of my eyes as guilt overpowered me.

Was I even worthy of living?

"You're crying again Haru, are you sad?" she asked me again, her little hand squeezing mine. Her warm eyes seemed to search mine for answers and the absence of any judgement in her eyes warmed my heart. Her presence soothed me, and I involuntarily dropped all my defences with her.

"I'm not sad love, not anymore." I mustered a smile at her, watching her little hand in mine I brought it up to my lips thankful to her.....for just being. I looked up at get and patted it reassuringly, hating that I had to lie to her.

But the truth was dark, and I was afraid that if the light of her presence was taken away from me....that darkness would consume me. I couldn't see hatred in those chocolate brown irises.

I placed her on my lap and wrapped my arms around her, taking comfort in her presence as I rested my chin on her shoulder.

"You know Haru, I think you are lying... I really do" She solemnly confessed to me, resting her head on back my shoulder she looked at the quickly darkening sky where the last rays of the sun were scattering their light.

It looked as if the sky was on fire, the birds flying in the sky seemed ethereal. "And why is that?" I asked, my eyes following the birds as they made their way home.

"I know that, because I saw nana Singh have the same expression on her face sometimes…and it has been happening more now, than it happened before." Her tone was confidential, and I knew that she wanted to act strong. But the slight tremor in her voice gave away the sadness and worry that she tried to heart in her little heart.

I furrowed my brows as I tried to understand why Mrs. Singh was sad. Perhaps there was something that was worrying her, but she didn't tell me. I felt bad that she didn't deem me worthy to confide in, but I understood the type of woman she was. She preferred to keep it all in, until a point came where it would all break her.

I had to know what was wrong, and I would find it out even if Mrs. Singh didn't want to tell me. The thought that there was something that could potentially harm these kids caused a heavy weight to settle in my heart.

"Haru, will you play hide and seek with us?" Elizabeth turned around to face me, her brown eyes looking at me earnestly. I marvelled at her ability to forget about the stuff that bothered her so quickly.

It was amazing to be a child huh. Wish I could rewind time.

I gently pushed her off my lap and stood up, carefully placing a cheerful smile on my face to mask the unease that I felt. I nodded my head as I dusted my jeans "Of course I'll play with you. I was getting bored sitting alone there anyway."

I let myself be dragged by her towards a group of kids that welcomed me in their game with open arms. Apparently they did not think that it would be a problem to hide a fully grown human being behind the bark of an oak tree. But I was alright with whatever they did with me. For once I reveled in their company which was free from any judgement and criticism.

And as a bonus I would get to polish my ninja skills. How cool was that! It was a win win situation for me.

As I heard one of the children count to ten, I felt a childish thrill run through me. Little Elizabeth and Jacob placed fingers on their lips, urging me to keep quiet, as they silently glared at me because it was quite likely that I looked as if I might burst out laughing at any moment.

The threat shining in the little pairs eyes was enough for me to shut up, I didn't know what they would do....but I knew it wouldn't be good if I gave their hiding place away.

The branches of the huge oak tree swayed in the gentle breeze, its leaves moving in the receding sunlight made interesting patterns on our faces. The silent rustle hid the sound of the footsteps of the person who was searching for us, which filled us with a sense of anticipation.

I felt a hand firmly rest on my shoulder, both Jacob and Elizabeth looked behind me with wide eyes. There wasn't any excitement in their eyes now, they didn't look disappointed. In fact they looked....scared and it puzzled me.

With a start I realized that the hand on my shoulder was too large to be that of a child's. My mind instantly went to the other time that a man had placed his hand on my shoulder this way, but this one lacked the warmth of his touch.

And I was surprised and also a little (very) angry that my heart was disappointed that it was not him.

"Will you kindly move your hand off my shoulder." I tried to calmly say out through gritted teeth, feeling nice that I had at least found a channel to direct my anger towards.

"Ah, I'm sorry Miss, I didn't mean to be rude." the shy, almost flustered voice replied. I turned around to find a tall man standing there, looking extremely out of place in the children's playground with his perfectly tailored dark coat and pants with his white dress shirt peeking out.

I stood up and dusted my hands on my jeans, turning towards him I folded my arms across my chest "So Mr. Mishra, what brings you here?"

I felt extremely confused, but I didn't want anyone to see any weakness in me.

He ran a hand through his chocolate brown hair and looked at the bark of the tree behind me. Making me feel as if he was purposely avoiding eye contact.

I did not have a good feeling about this. The unease in my chest increased but I held on.

"Well, the thing is Miss Gauhar that an emergency has arisen and it requires your immediate attention."

"So, what exactly is this emergency that you are talking about? And why did you have to come personally to inform me about it?" I raised an eyebrow at him, hoping that he would stop fidgeting with the buttons on the cuff of his sleeve and look at me.

His refusal to meet my eyes scared the crap out of me.

He finally looked up towards me, and cleared his throat "Well the thing is that we tried contacting you multiple times, but you didn't answer your phone. In fact a man answered your phone and informed us that he didn't know of any Gauhar."

As soon as his words reached me, I felt panic set in. I rummaged in the pockets of my jeans and jacket, feeling a dead weight settle in my stomach as I realized that I didn't indeed have my phone with me.

"However Miss Siddique, your missing phone is the least of our concerns for now. It is actually about your father, Mr. Siddique-" he looked away again, and the look in his eyes made feel as if there was a sudden lack of oxygen in the air.

"What…what happened to my father?" I whispered, not wanting him to answer my question.

"Miss, your father has had a heart attack, and I'm here to take you to the hospital with me." these simple words uttered out of his mouth in his grave voice might not have meant much to anyone, hell nobody would give a second thought to what he said.

But they managed to turn my entire life upside down… this spelled nothing but doom for me, I clenched my fists and bit my lip hard to stop myself from crying.

It was all indeed too good to last.