Chapter 102

"He became worse, he became even more angry, he distanced himself even more, I rushed back to my friend for help, and each time she would always have one thing or the other to tell me;.                                                      Sometimes, she would even tell me to buy things for him, give him money and other things which I will do freely, but everything only seem to anger Philip so much that he stopped talking with me.

So I read in a book about distance.

It explains that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and that if I wanted to be desired, I needed to grant him space. 

The book had a lot to teach me about relationship and desire.

It says that;

When it comes to forming or lasting bonds, longing for the other may be as important as being together, shows the results from a new brain imaging study of prairie voles -- which are among only about 5 per cent of mammalian species besides humans who are monogamous.

We are uniquely hardwired to seek out close relationships as a source of comfort, and that often comes through physical acts of touch,” she said.

For the study, Donaldson used tiny cameras and a cutting-edge technology called in-vivo-calcium imaging to spy on the brains of dozens of voles at three-time points.

First when they were just meeting another vole, second - three days after they had mated and third - 20 days after they had essentially moved in together. Researchers also observed the animals interacting with voles who were not their mates.

So, at first, Donaldson’s team assumed the voles’ brain activity would be markedly different when they were huddling with their mate versus a random vole.

“Surprisingly, that is not what we found,” she said.

Stranger or lover, the voles’ brains looked basically the same when they were together.

It was only when the voles were away from their partner and running to meet them, that a unique cluster of cells in the nucleus accumbens consistently fired up.

The longer the animals had been paired, the closer their bond became and the larger the glowing cluster of cells -- dubbed the “partner approach ensemble” -- on image screens.

Notably, a completely different cluster of cells lit up when the vole approached a stranger.

“This suggests that maybe the recruitment of these cells for this new purpose is important for forming and maintaining a bond,” Donaldson said.

She suspects that brain chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, and vasopressin, which have been shown in both animal and human studies to play a role in fostering trust and closeness, are involved in the process.

But she doesn’t know for sure what that cluster of cells does. It’s also not clear whether the specific “neuronal code” associated with a desire to reunite in voles inspires the same emotion in people. More research is underway.

What the study does confirm is that monogamous mammals are uniquely hard-wired to be with others.

“These negative feelings so many of us are experiencing right now may result from a mismatch: we have a neuronal signal telling us that being with loved ones will make us feel better, while practical restrictions mean this need is going unmet,” Donaldson said.

“It’s the emotional equivalent of not eating when we are hungry, except now instead of skipping a meal, we are slowly starving,” Donaldson concluded.

After reading this, I became stronger and wanted to just give him the distance, I was doing just fine until I found out that my friend Sonia, whim have supposedly been helping me talk to Philip was actually sleeping with him.