Phantasy In Tragedy

April 3 2012,

First day of my elementary school , 7 year old me super excited with sparkling eyes ask my mum guilelessly "what do you think mum ? Will i be able to make lot of friends?" as i never had any friend in my whole life, i have always longed for someone whom i can call my best friend. I never had anyone to play with, not even my mum, she is always busy with her work, she doesn't have a steady job she is always struggling in a lot of part time jobs. It has been hard for her ever since my dad passed away, I don't have any memory of him as I was just 2 year old when he left us. Now only I have my mum's back and she has mine.

All the kids in my neighborhood are elder than me mostly all of them are in high school and I don't like them, they never call me by my real name, they have given me several weird names like 'mutt', 'gizzard','pig' and many more, most of them i can't even pronounce, they say that i am obnoxious i don't even know what that means but by their facial expressions i can tell its something awful.

"of course baby, everyone will be your friend , who won't love such a sweet child like you" she replied while pinching my nose softly

I giggled at her reply but then a glimpse of sadness overshadowed my face, my eyebrows furrowed and i asked " but mom what if they'll also give me some weird nicknames"

"don't worry sweetheart they won't , they are not like those spoiled brats of our neighborhood , they'll love you if you'll love them" my mom replied with a huge bright smile.

my mom's smile always brighten up my mood "yes mom I'll love them and i will always help them and i will find a best friend too" i made a fist and jumped in the air to show my determination for finding a best friend.

my mom laughed at my reaction.

My mum took a day off today to spend some time with me and to drop me off to my elementary school. After such a long time I am spending some quality time with her it feels so good. I want to live in this moment forever I want to be with mum forever but I know it's not possible. I know my mum will leave me alone tonight also to work whole night to pay off for this day off and as usual I'll be alone with no friends ,with no one by my side.

I'll definitely make a friend in my school today and I will study hard and grow up quickly to help my mum so that she won't have to work, so that she can rest. I'll be a good child to alleviate some of her sorrows.

i was lost in my deep thoughts until my mum asked me to leave as we're getting late.

We were on our way to school,laughing and singing but then we met our neighborhood kids, meeting these kids is like a jinx for me. There are four of them one who is bald his name is Jung Kyong, his girlfriend is also here her name is Kim Aera, I think other two are not from this neighborhood because i have never seen them here before.

"bahahhaha look our gizzard is going to school" Kim Aera said and pushed me away a little

i couldn't resist her push and fell on the ground , I don't know why my mum never say anything to them instead she always asks me to ignore them and to never fight back with them ,this thing always bother me. Mum helped me in getting back up and i glared at them.

We continued our walk but they kept shouting and making fun of me but I just ignored them as mum asked me to do so.

"Mum am i that bad? Don't i deserve to live a normal life with my real name?" I asked mum with tears in my eyes.

"No baby you're the best person, you're the brightest star in my life and you'll be the brightest star in your school friends life too , never think like that"

As i was quite mum continued speaking

"it's just that there are some bad people who are sadist, and if we'll also fight back and give pain to them then what's the difference between you and them. You're getting what I'm trying to say right!?" Mum voice is as calm as she could make it.

i just nodded with my head facing downwards and eyes filled with tears.

"Actually baby you're still so small to understand why I ask you to never fight back with them . I promise when you'll grow up I'll tell you everything"

i looked up at her with weepy eyes and we both took out our pinky finger locked it with each other's and made a pinky promise. Mum gave me a bear hug and i cuddled in her embrace.

My mum waved me off as we reached my school i waved my trembling hands , seeing this mum gave me a pitiful look. But I continued moving forward towards my classroom full of fear and nervousness but a tint of excitement too.

The moment i entered my classroom that tint of excitement dissipated, it felt so suffocating, everyone's eyes on me, my mind completely blank not knowing what would happen next , not knowing how to react.

I came back to my senses when someone said "ewww so ugly" as if she has seen the worst person on this damn planet.

I knew it , I knew it I am worthless and nobody will become my friend, I knew it I'll never be able to find a best friend in my whole life. I am just the worse just because i am not beautiful. Everyone is same , everyone judge a book by it's cover, all of them are bad people unlike how my mom told me.

i heard someone whispering "omg look at her nose" but it was loud enough to be heard by everyone else and everyone started to laugh.

"I wonder who will be the unluckiest person to sit next to her" someone said with a smirk on her face.

their expressions are like as if they are looking at a monster.

I cursed myself for rising my hope and imagining that I'll actually make some friends. In a world full of judgemental people there is no place for someone like me , there is no place for someone with a potato like face. I should have stuck with my motto that I am a lonely monster and i will never find someone to be with, to play with.

But I will not show them my pain, i will not show them my tears I'll maintain my demeanor of strong girl because i am very well aware there is no place for weaklings too on this planet.

I did nothing just ignored them as i always do , feeling powerless and full of guilt as if I have committed a sin. I sat on the last bench and tried to avoid attention but still I was the centre of attention definitely not in a positive way. They all were whispering, gossipping about me ,they all were loud enough to be heard by everyone, I guess they were deliberately loud.

I opened my book trying to show that I am reading while I'm actually not and suddenly I felt a pinch on my nape , i quickly turned back with full of fear and saw five to six boys and girls are behind me and trying to bully me. They pierced pen's nib on my back and yanked my hair , i couldn't do anything , i tried to get away from them but my efforts went in vain.

I ran away from there with my bag they tried to stop me but this time they failed , i went on my school's terrace , i sat there peacefully and laughed at myself for dreaming about having friends and enjoying school.

"It's a huge mess here , a complete hell" i yelled hoping no one would hear me.

I bunked all of my classes because i didn't have the audacity to go back to that mess. Now it's time to go back home i am still on the terrace waiting for everyone else to leave. It started raining as they predicted on today's weather forecast, fortunately I have umbrella with me. I opened my umbrella but someone caught my eyes there's this little boy seems to be of my age. With large doe eyes and white skin , a complete piece of art. He is getting wet in the rain and seems like he is extremely sad. I wonder for how long he has been here, did he hear everything i yelled, i just hope he did not. He didn't even bother to look at me to look what's happening in his surrounding , he was just sitting there head facing downwards and full of sorrow as if he is the reason why it's raining. My mum told me when someone is sad clouds get sad too and they also end up crying and their tears is what we call rain. Without any forethought i went towards that little boy with umbrella in my hand he looked up at me and glared at me as if he's gonna devour me i felt so terrified that I tried to run away but then i felt a tiny hand on my right ankle i turned back to see who is it , as expected it's that little boy holding my ankle looking at me with sorrowful deep blue ocean eyes, completely drenched in rain water from head to toe and just staring at my eyes as if he's begging me to stay.

I sat beside him saying nothing just feeling his warmth. He is like a cold person full of warmth inside him.

There's this peaceful silence between us , we both are quite but it's not awkward at all , we both are distant but still feeling so close.

I wanted to stay with him longer , i wanted to feel his warmth forever but my mom would be worried if I won't reach home on time.

I got up and started to leave but then stopped by a cracked voice carrying lot of pain " what .. is your nam..e?"

"Ha Na"

i replied and then ran away without uttering any other word. I was embarrassed for no reason.