Broken trust

Confiding in anyone about my issues takes a lot out of me.

Even when I broke down in tears in front of Mariam and Emmanuel after a violent fight between my parents, I still felt as if I shouldn't have narrated the story to them.

That may be, I should have kept it to myself.

I hated feeling like a burden and despite the reassurances from my friends, I still couldn't shake off how I felt.

My decision to confide in Tobi about my parents' most recent fight was well- thought out.

I trusted him with all of my heart and I knew he would bring me a bit of comfort and an escape from my broken reality.

We had scheduled another date at a fancy restaurant in Akoka and I had planned to relay all my worries to him. 

We were led to a table at a secluded corner of the restaurant and ordered water for starters. While taking a sip of my water, memories of the fight from yesterday flooded my head. 

"I don't want to ever get married," I said, shaking my head from left to right.

His attention shifted from his phone to my face as I uttered those words.

"Why wouldn't you want to get married? I'm sure you're just in a phase. You'll get married in the future," He said.

"You're not listening to me. Marriage is an institution I do not want to ever enroll in."

"Okay then, what influenced this decision?" He asked and the floodgates opened.

Struggling to hold back the tears threatening to stream out, I poured out everything.

I started from the origin of the fights which was my mother's insecurity and obsession over not being able to bear a male child which consequently led to all manner of insults from my father's family.

"Most of the time, when she launches into a tirade over the issue, I begin to feel inadequate.

I pushed myself so hard in secondary school to be the best just to prove to her that I was valuable. That she didn't need a male child to make her a full mother."

I frantically dabbed at my eyes with my handkerchief as Tobi rubbed soothing circles on the back of my free hand. 

I continued, "I have value and worth. I do not know why I don't seem to be enough for those stupid uncles and aunts. My father is a good man but I truly find him a terrible husband.

"He couldn't even warn off his siblings and step-siblings. Why would he let them walk all over the woman he married?"

"I understand how you feel about your parents' issues but I don't think that should shape your view on marriage."

"You still don't get it. I wish they'd just divorce. The male child issue was just the starting block in the long race of marital crisis. They argue at every opportunity, yelling at the top of their voices at each other. Worse still, they do it in my presence and–"

I was cut off by the return of the water with menus in hand and refills for our water.

When he finally walked away, I continued.

"As I was saying, they fight with cheating accusations thrown in here and there in my presence without worrying about the toll it's taking on me. I do not ever want to experience such a thing called marriage if this is how turbulent it is."

"Have you tried putting it in prayers? There is nothing prayers can't do. You shouldn't wish for them to get divorced. That is incredibly selfish of you," He remarked.

I genuinely hoped he was joking with that last sentence.

"What do you mean I'm being selfish? I have been praying for as long as I can remember and nothing has worked out. Matters even got worse. A divorce or a separation rather is the most practical and logical choice for both of them."

I removed my hand from his, anger blazing in my eyes.

"How could you possibly think like that? You are being self-centered and thinking only of what would benefit only you. Parents argue all the time. It'll get better."

"I know that people argue all the damn time Tobi! Arguments should lead to both parties coming to a suitable agreement or a compromise at best not resorting to violence. A divorce is the best solution," I seethed. 

"Are you hearing yourself right now Chisom? You sound crazy. Everything you've said just makes you seem like a terrible person."

My mouth was agape. He had crossed the line. I had hoped he would give me a hug, some motivation, or just listen attentively and caress my skin. He had said too much, his words overflowed, cutting me deep.

I was hurt and shocked to my bone marrow at the words that came out of his mouth. 

"It seems you are the terrible person here. You should choose your words carefully next time. You will never speak like that to me again. I suggest you wash your mouth out," I said quietly.

Not waiting for the waiter to return to receive our order, I stormed out of the restaurant leaving him in my wake.

.

.

Everything he said kept running through my mind. I couldn't sleep without thinking about all the things he had said to me.

It was a different kind of pain when someone you trusted and wanted to share your emotions with, twisted and squished your heart.

My chest was tight; I couldn't breathe properly.

It took him two days to contact me.

My phone buzzed and his text popped up on my screen.

"I am sorry if I hurt you. I honestly don't know what came over me the other day because I have never been this blunt with anyone before. I never wanted to address you in such a manner. I am deeply sorry and I can tell that you're angry by what I said.

"I just realized that I was kind of harsh on you. I don't know why I spoke that way. I am sorry once again for interfering in your personal life." 

I was annoyed by his use of "if I hurt you" as if he didn't know how hurt I was.

It was evident on my face as I reprimanded him back in the restaurant.

I should have let reason and not emotions be the only sovereign allowed to rule over me because I ended up forgiving him in only a day and resumed chatting with him thereafter.