10 Chapter Ten: I Need More Painkillers

When I look at her photo, I can't help but notice the unbearable pain pounding in my chest. I feel so sad, so sad that I can't take it anymore.

I want this pain to stop, and the only way for it to truly stop is for me to die…

I need more pain killers.

This pain is tearing me apart limb by limb, and it's only getting worse.

I don't want this. I've never wanted this.

I really wish that I could go back.

Maybe I could have changed things.

Maybe you'd still be alive.

Maybe you'd be with me.

Maybe I wouldn't even have to take lots of pain killers to reduce the pain I'm feeling right now.

I'm sorry... I'm really sorry.

I wish I never cheated on you.

I'm sorry I lied...

Maybe I really do deserve this pain.

I love you, Yol Sang Kim.

Love, Min Jinu.

I finished writing my suicide note.

Though I knew she would never read it, for the last 2 or 3 years I'd

been bearing this pain. And still, I was not relieved.

I have to end all of this.

I want to be with you, Sang Kim.

I want to be with the first and last person I loved.

And that person is you.

I sat up and set her photo on my bedside table, together with the note.

I walked towards the bathroom where the containers were. I picked up the container and poured out almost ten pills onto my palm.

I swallowed them dry. And soon, I felt the pain.

It was probably the last pain I'd ever feel. And I loved it.

Pain killers really did give satisfaction, after all, and the feeling of pain slowly reduced.

It felt surreal.

Pain was the only thing that told me I was still alive.

(Kim Yeol's P.O.V)

Min Jinu,

I'm so sorry...

I do remember you... but I really don't know why all of the sudden I fell in love with you. I'm sorry for

not telling you.

I never wanted to lose my memory. I never wanted any of this.

I'm glad I met a guy like you.

You changed my life.

You're the one who saved me, Min Jinu.

(ring)

I grabbed my phone and answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's mom," the voice on the other line said.

"Mom? Where are you?"

"I'm about to visit you."

I smiled. "Really? I can't wait."

"Okay, see you soon. Bye."

There was a faint click on the other line, indicating that she had hung up.

~A few minutes later~

I stared at the ceiling above me. My head hurts so much from thinking about him...

Min Jinu.

was thinking about Min Jinu.

(click)

The door knob clicks, and the door opens, revealing my mom.

A smile was plastered across her face as she approached me.

"How you doing?" Mom asked. She caressed my hair whilst staring at my eyes sweetly. I smiled at

her gesture.

"I'm doing fine eomma," I replied.

"That's good. Have you eaten yet? Did the nurse give you food already?" Mom asked, grabbing

something off of the floor.

"Nope," I replied simply.

"Good, 'cause I bought some food." She pulled out a spoon and fork.

"I'm so hungry, thank you eomma."

She handed me a bowl of ramen. We both ate a lot and had fun talking with one another. She's really funny.

I wish I could remember her.

Too bad I only remembered Min Jinu.

But I was also glad.

I really missed his silly remarks.

I missed Min Jinu.

(Min Jinu's P.O.V)

My breathing quickened and my body went numb again. This is the eighth time I'd felt this way. Last time I almost died. I wish I had, but I didn't, and maybe now I finally would.

I didn't want to live in this world.

This was a world without pain. I wanted to feel more pain.

What if I stopped taking the pills?

I didn't tell Yol Sang Kim about my disease, and that pain was killing me.

There was always a reason that I needed to take the pills.

Not just to reduce the pain emotionally, but to reduce the pain internally.

The disease was killing me slowly. I needed the pain killers to stop the pain.

But the doctor recommended me something else.

I took the medication every day and night, but after Sang Kim died, I never took them again.

All I ever felt was drowning, and I needed my pain killers.

I won't die just yet.

I have my pain killers.

I won't die right?

Wait. Death is all I want right now.

I know Kim Yeol can't remember me, so there's no reason to live anymore.

No one can help me now.

I'm broken and ruined.

No.

One.

Can.

Help.

Me.

I know that now.

I can never live in this cruel world, it's too much for me to handle.

The pain inside my heart is only getting worse.

Really,

Really worse.

I want to die...

Now.

I laid down on my bed, still breathing as my sight became hazed.

My breathing became unsteady and my body went numb.

I couldn't move.

Beads of sweat formed on my forehead, and tears started to pour out of my eyes. I felt like the world

was finally giving me the freedom to rest.

To feel relieved.

To be free.

To feel no more pain in the after life.

*knock knock*

WHAT!?

My eyes shot open as soon as I heard the knocking on my door. It continued.

"Min Jinu?" A familiar voice called through the door.

"Min Jinu? Are you there?" she asked before knocking again.

My phone rung.

I tried to reach for it, just across the bed side table.

I crawled for it, but accidentally fell onto the floor, creating a loud thump.

"Min Jinu!? What's happening in there?! Are you okay!? Min Jinu!" She banged on the door that seemed like it would break.

I answered the call.

"Hello, Min Jinu. It's come to our attention that you haven't been paying your bills," the man on the

other line scolded me.

"Bullshit. Whatever," I snarled before hanging up the phone.

"Min Jinu!" Suddenly the door broke, and I remembered another time she had also broken the door.

It was the same scenario.

It's like time's repeating itself.

I need more pain killers.

I smiled.

Kim Yeol rushed towards me.

"Min Jinu!" is the last thing I heard before the world went dark.