9 Chapter Nine: What Do You Mean?

"Do you want to?" I asked.

"Want what?" she replied, confused.

"To remember me," I answered. Her mouth dropped for a moment as she wore a serious expression.

"I-I don't know. Were you a big part of my life? Will you help me remember everything?" she asked. I really didn't know if I could do it, but I wanted her to remember the day that she saved me.

"I was. I'll help you remember everything." I smiled at her. But I was still unsure. I wanted her to remember everything, but something really bothered me. She was once like me.

"Then, let's start!" she bounced excitedly before dragging me to the nearest coffee shop.

Really, she had it. The personality of Yol Sang Kim.

---

The feeling of living came all at once.

For a split second, I felt like this was dream or fantasy.

Everything was so perfect. Just the way the world should be. For some reason, the feeling of craving for death...

It left.

It felt like my wounds were healing. It reminded my of the first day I met Yol Sang Kim.

It felt so surreal that I couldn't even distinguish whether I was in reality or not.

I felt so... alive.

Is this really what I wanted?

To feel relieved, to feel alive again?

Or am I just breathing again?

I don't understand.

Who am I really?

"Yah! Wake up!" Kim Yeol shouted. I quickly woke up from that fantasy and facing the reality. I blinked twice.

"You're asleep." She snorted, drinking her coffee that was already half empty.

"Then why'd you wake me up?" I muttered, rubbing the sleep off my eyes.

"The coffee you ordered is probably already cold." She pointed at my coffee that was resting on the table for maybe an hour or two.

"Oh. How long have we been hear?" I asked bluntly, genuinely not remembering.

"I'm the one with the memory loss, remember?" she teased before placing her mug down onto the plate.

"Really, I don't remember." I blinked twice, trying to sort my thoughts.

"You told me you were going to help me remember everything, so I dragged you here to tell me about who I was before," she explained. She took a bite of her cupcake.

"Oh, right." I straightened up in my seat and began with the most basic part of her life. "Well, as you know, your name is Kim Yeol."

She shrugged. "I know that already. I want to remember everything, not just my name." She moved closer to me.

"Okay, first off-" I stopped mid-sentence when my eyes caught her twirling her hair while staring into my eyes intensely. I felt really uncomfortable when someone looked me in the eyes the way she was looking at mine. I quickly looked away and took a sip of my now lukewarm coffee.

"Wait. You're going to tell me a story about my life, aren't you?" she accused, resting her elbow on the table.

"Uh, yeah..." I agreed, confused.

"Don't. I know all of that already. My mother told me all about my brother and me. But I know something is still missing. I think it's the memories of you." She traced circles on my forearm.

"Okay, sure. You saved me." I pulled my arm out of her grasp and continued to drink the remaining coffee in my mug.

"What do you mean?" Her voice was quiet.

"You saved me, when I was that 'pretty messed up guy'. Actually, you saved me multiple times," I explained.

"Saved you?" She moved her face closer to mine and I could feel her eyes examining my face.

"Yeah. That day, I was supposed to die. But you saved me by jumping off the bridge-" She sliced my words.

"Wait a minute. You jumped off a goddamn bridge!?" she exclaimed.

"Yeah. As I was saying..." I continued. "You saved me that night. And probably saved me again. And again." I let out a sigh as she wasn't listening to me. She just looked at me.

"What do you mean 'again and again'? Are you really that desperate to die?" she asked.

"Yes, I want to die because of the sin I've done. She died because of me. It was my fault-" I leaned away from her and stared at her weirdly.

"Your fault? How is it your fault?" She finally leaned away and scratched the back of her neck.

"Could you stop interrupting me when I'm speaking?" I sassed out, since she was already getting on my nerves.

"Yeah, sorry. Continue." She smiled.

And I told her everything I know.

---

In the corner of my memory

There is a brown piano

In the corner of my childhood home

There is a brown piano

I remember back then; it was bigger than me

The brown piano, it called out to me

I strained to look at you, with yearning

When I touched you with my small fingers?

"I feel so nice, mom I feel so nice"

I just moved my fingers how I wanted across the keys

Back then, I didn't know the meaning of you

I was happy just looking at you

I remember back then, it was in elementary school

When I grew taller than you

I neglected you after I yearned for you so much

Dust building on the white keys

I didn't know that I was neglecting you

Your meaning, wherever I was, you were always there

But I didn't know that would be the last time

Don't go like that, you say

"Even if I leave, don't worry

Because you'll do fine on your own

I remember when I first met you

You grew so big suddenly

There is a period at the end of our relationship

But don't be sorry to me

You'll meet me again in some shape or form

Then be happy to see me"

I remember back then, I forgot all about it

When I saw you again at age 14

Awkward for just a moment, I touched you again

Even after a long time, there's no feeling of rejection at all

You accepted me

without you there's nothing

After dawn, we faced the morning together

Don't let go of my hand forever

Because I won't let go of you either

I remember back then, the last of my teens

We burned it up together

Back when I didn't see an inch into my future

We cried, laughed

Because I was with you, those moments are now memories

I held my broken shoulder and said

I really can't do this anymore

Every time I wanted to give up

You said to me, by my side

Dude, you can do it, really

Yea yea, I remember back then

Tired and wandering in deep despair

I pushed you out and resented you

But you stayed by my side, even if I didn't say anything

So don't ever let go of my hand

Because I won't ever let go of you

My birth and the end of my life

You watched over it all

In the corner of my memory

There is a brown piano

In the corner of my childhood home

There is a brown piano

---

I remember you Min Jinu. I just don't know the meaning of all this.

Mianhae.