13

"Merry Christmas babe!"

I turned to Psyche and smiled at him.

"Merry Christmas din babe" I said.

"I missed you so much. Can't wait to see you again in person." He said.

It's Christmas day, Psyche wanted to come back to Cebu and celebrate this day with me but I refused. Gusto ko kasi pamilya niya ang kasama niya sa araw na ito. The mother of Psyche called me the other day and we had a casual conversation until she accidentally mentioned about Psyche planning a surprise Christmas party for me. So before everything goes out of hand, pinigilan ko na agad si Psyche.

We've been away from each other for more than two weeks now. Ako pa nga ang pumilit sa kanya na mag extend pa siya ng bakasyon. As much as I missed him, I needed to be the bigger person to make him understand that we both need this. He needs to find himself again, the one who's not afraid and doesn't have a lot of worries. I needed him to deal with his issues so I could buy some time to deal with mine.

"Can't wait to see you too. But I hope it isn't too soon." I said.

He pouted. "Ayaw mo pa talaga akong makasama? Hanggang video call nalang ba?"

I almost laughed.

"Alam mo naman kung bakit diba." I said and give him a meaningful look.

He nodded. Kahit naman ayaw niyang malayo sa akin, alam ko namang naiintindihan niya. If we didn't gave each other some time and space, then it won't took long for us to break up. We've been broken enough to fix a drowning relationship. He admitted that he never really meant those awful things that he had said to me.

We never should talk whenever we're angry because most of the time, we say things that we never really meant.

And I admitted that my trust issues are eating me up again. After hearing those words from Psyche makes me question the love he had for me. Kasi kung mahal niya talaga ako bakit niya ako pagsasalitaan ng masasakit na salita? Sapat na bang lisensya ang pagmamahal para sabihin natin ang kahit na anong gusto nating sabihin kahit pa alam natin na makakasakit tayo ng ibang tao? But then again, I understood where Psyche is coming from.

He admitted his mistakes and he's willing to repent. So who am I to begrudge him when in fact he is still on the process of making himself whole again.

"So, where are you going after Christmas?" I asked him.

"Nasabi ko naman sa'yo yung plano ni Jace diba?" He asked.

I nodded. Jace is his cousin whose about to get married. Gusto nito na magbakasyon silang magpipinsan outside the country to celebrate his remaining days of being a bachelor.

"Well, he wanted us to go to Bali. Ayoko ngang sumama kasi aabutin ng halos isang buwan ang bakasyon na gusto niya pero ayaw kaming tigilan babe!" He said, pouting again.

I chuckled. He's really cute when he pouts. And he better stop because I know he's using his technique to make me fall into his trap again.

"Hayaan niyo na nga, minsan lang naman hihingi ng pabor si Jace sa inyo"

"Minsan nga pero sagad naman" He said.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang tawa ko. That's a one month vacation for free outside the country tapos nagrereklamo pa siya. It's not as if lugi siya doon.

"So, I'm gonna see you after a month? Or you still want to have another vacation after that?" I asked.

"Babe! Two weeks na kitang hindi nakakasama, then another one month because of my dramatic cousin tapos nagtatanong ka pa kung gusto kong mag extend?! No way!" He said with full diction.

I laughed so hard. Psyche didn't changed at all. Siya pa rin yung gusto lagi akong kasama. To be honest, I was a bit worried dahil baka pagbalik niya galing vacation ay magbabago ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. Na baka ma'realize niya na hindi naman niya talaga ako mahal. But he proved otherwise. Kung clingy siya sa akin before, mas lalo lang siyang naging clingy ngayon. And I don't have any problem with that because I'm willing to embrace all his clinginess with all of me. Goodness, I really am so whipped.

_____

"Merry Christmas Astherielle"

I smiled and hugged lola. Nandito kami ngayon sa kwarto niya. Kakatapos lang ng dinner namin at ako ang nag prisintang samahan siya dito sa kwarto niya. She got discharged a week ago.

"Sinabi mo na yan kanina La." I said.

"Well, I wanted to say it again. Bakit bawal ba? May limit ba dapat yun?"

I laughed. "Okay po, sabi ko nga wala."

She hold my hands and caressed it lightly.

"Have you talked to Lucy?" She asked.

Tita Lucy, the mother of Miru is devastated. Miru died due to leukemia and this Christmas would be the coldest and saddest Christmas she ever experienced. Kahapon nilibing si Miru, it was only me and Marco who mourned with them kasi tito needed to go back to Davao tapos si daddy naman ang nagbantay kay lola. Of course lola wasn't allowed to go because of her condition at naiintindihan naman yun ni tita Lucy.

"Yes Lola, I'm really sad for her. Lalo na sa asawa ni Miru kasi buntis po pala yun. She's carrying a child in her womb while burying her husband. I cannot imagine the pain she's feeling right now."

"Indeed. But I'm sure they've exchanged promises and sorry's to each other before..." She signed. "Life is always too short. So we should make the best out of it. Right?"

"Yes po lola." I said.

"Dapat talaga kausapin natin ang mga taong gusto nating kausapin. And we should forgive those who wronged us, right Astherielle?" She asked meaningfully.

I sighed and nodded. I know where this is heading. It's been weeks since I last talked to her. I actually thought she'll beg for forgiveness or force me to talk to her, but she didn't. She just kept mum about everything kaya hindi ko na rin siya pinapansin.

"She's at the balcony... It's Christmas my dear, why don't you try to talk to your mother. Maybe then, you'll understand why she did what she did." Lola said.

It took me a couple of minutes before nodding. I kissed lola on the cheeks and then went towards the balcony at the back of our house. What should I say? Ask for her explanations? Diba dapat kusa niyang sabihin iyon? Bakit parang–

"When are you going to tell her?"

"I don't know."

"You should tell her before you go back to Canada."

I was about to open the sliding door fully when I heard dad's voice. Eavesdropping was never my intention but my curiosity won't allow it to pass.

"She hates me."

"Of course not–"

"And you hated me as well."

"Miranda, hindi totoo yan." Daddy said.

"You hated me because I wanted a divorce. She hated me because I ruined her perfect and complete family." There was a bitter tone in her words yet she's smiling.

"You only did what you think was right at that time."

After hearing dad's consolation to mommy, it makes me confused kung bakit parang okay lang sa kanya ang lahat. I mean, nakipaghiwalay siya kay daddy para sa kalayaan niya... pero bakit parang–

"Asther, sweetie. I thought you're with your lola?"

I was a bit startled when dad called me. I inhaled deeply before going outside the balcony.

"Uhm lola said... Uhm can we talk?" I asked mother.

"Yes, you should." Sabi ni daddy. "I'll check on your lola first."

After he said that, umalis na siya leaving me and mommy alone. I looked away and sat at the farthest end of the sofa.

"Aren't you gonna say something? Anything?" I aksed without looking at her.

I heard a chuckle.

"Are you that disgusted at me na kahit isang tingin lang hindi mo magawa?" Mommy said in a calm way.

I didn't responded. Either she talks or not.

"Okay. How should I begin this?" She breathed heavily before sighing. "Your dad and I were together ever since high school. We planned our future together, kung anong course ang kukunin namin sa college at kung saan kami mag-aaral... Hindi kami mapaghiwalay. Kung nasaan ako nadoon ang daddy mo, and vice versa. Basically, umikot ang mundo naming dalawa sa isa't isa."

"It was okay though. Mahal ko ang daddy mo kaya walang problema sa akin yun. We became each other's comfort zone. And I was willing to settle in our little zone... until I get to have a taste of freedom." She said.

I nodded. "How important is your freedom to you?" I faced her. "More important than your husband? More important than your daughter?" I asked her.

"I went to Canada for a conference. It was full of doctors who achieved their goals. Doctors who made multiple research, made a name for themselves, and proved how good they are and how worthy they are of having that license. Anak, nanliit ako. Kasi sino ba naman ako? I'm just a doctor from the Philippines who did... nothing. I wasn't even able to do my residency because I got pregnant and I needed to give up being a doctor to be a good wife and a good mother of an asthmatic child.

Don't get me wrong. Hindi ko pinagsisisihan na dumating ka sa buhay ko kasi ikaw ang pinaka'magandang nangyari sa buhay ko. And I never blamed your father because it was my decision to not practice my profession. I was so engrossed on portraying a perfect wife. Umikot ang mundo ko sa daddy mo na nakalimutan ko na lahat ng gusto ko, nakalimutan ko na ang sarili ko."

She inhaled as and wipped her tears away.

"Then a friend of mine, whose also a doctor, asked me to join this conference for doctors. I declined her offer lalo na noong nalaman ko na sa Canada gaganapin. Inisip ko, paano kayo ng daddy mo? Sinong mag'aasikaso sa inyo kung aalis ako. But then your dad forced me to attend that conference. Sabi niya siya na muna ang bahala sa'yo kaya pumayag na din ako.

When I saw how satisfying it was to achieve your goals as a doctor, when I saw how they conquered the world, that's when I started changing my mindset. I wanted to become someone. I don't want to be labeled as Lucio's wife or Astherielle's mother only. I wanted to have a name for myself. I may be a doctor pero sa papel lang lahat ng yun. Gusto kong maging doctor na kayang gumamot ng mga tao at doctor na ipagmamalaki ng anak ko.

But my thirst for freedom made me do things I never really wanted to do. Habang nasa Canada ako, pinag'isipan kong mabuti ang lahat. I lost myself while loving your father Astherielle. I loved him too much. For some that's a very beautiful statement but when you think about it thoroughly, it's a very dangerous place for a woman who has a lot of dreams. Ang nasa isip ko noon, hindi ko pwedeng tuparin lahat ng pangarap ko hanggat kasama ko ang daddy mo. Cause when I'm with him, nakakalimutan ko lahat."

She stood up and sat beside me. She hugged me so tight before holding my hands. I didn't said anything. I was just sitting and listening intently, disregarding the guilt I'm feeling.

"I told your dad about my plans on pursuing my profession. He was really happy until I told him I wanted to do residency in Canada. Nabigyan kasi ako ng offer doon, it was a good opportunity that I didn't want to let it slip. He was about to protest when I told him I'm going to end our relationship kung hindi siya papayag. He got mad at what I said, of course who wouldn't be. Pero nabigla lamang ako noon... I never meant that. Pero mas nabigla ako nang... nang sabihin ng daddy mo na kung ipagpapatuloy ko ang g-gusto k-ko, siya na mismo ang magfa'file ng divorce."

Mommy cried so hard that finishing her sentence is beyond unimaginable. I felt her pain, and again my conscience won't allow me to feel other emotions other than guilt.

"I w-was so hurt. Na kayang itapon lahat ng daddy mo ang pinagsamahan namin dahil lang ayaw niyang malayo ako sa inyo. That night, I decided to choose myself. I decided to be selfish even just for once. I decided to save myself from drowning from too much love I had for your father. Self-preservation anak, yun nalang yung kaya kong iligtas. But behind my strong facade was a wife who longs for her husband, and a mother whose sorry because she cannot give her the complete family she wanted.

I'm so sorry anak... I'm so sorry for causing you too much pain. I'm sorry because my thirst for freedom made you suffer." She said.

I hugged mommy. I caressed her back lightly to calm her down. She inhaled deeply bago kumawala sa yakap ko. Pinunasan niya ang mga luha niya at tinignan ako sa mata.

"I never had plans on bothering you, not until I heard about your relationship with Psyche. Anak, I'm so sorry that I come between you. Natakot kasi ako na baka matulad ka sa akin. Na baka sobrang mahal mo na ang lalaking yun na kaya mong kalimutan lahat ng pangarap mo para sa kanya. I don't want you to have regrets kaya pinigilan ko na bago pa man lumala." She said.

"Mommy, I love Psyche. But I don't love him blindly. Ni minsan hindi ko nakalimutan ang mga pangarap ko dahil lamang sa kanya. Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi siya pa mismo ang nagpapa-alala sa akin. Na kapag pagod na akong mag-aral, he's aways there to remind me the reason why I needed to study hard. I love him, but I love myself more and he understands that." I said.

"Kung pa pipiliin kita. Psyche or your dreams?" She asked.

I smiled. "No mommy. I don't need to choose. Because Psyche would always be there for me as I reach for my dreams. Why should I choose when I have the most understanding and supportive boyfriend pushing me to be the best version of myself?"

She smiled and wipped my tears.

"Mommy, mabait na tao si Psyche. At mahal na mahal niya ako. Kaya sana, bigyan mo siya ng pagkakataong ipakita sa'yo kung bakit mahal na mahal ko siya." I said.

"Look at us, talking about these things. My baby is now a full grown lady. I'm so proud of you anak. And I know how much Psyche loves you. I saw it in his eyes when he defended you infront of me. Na kahit sinabi ko na ang lahat ng masasakit na salita, pinaglaban ka pa rin niya sa akin. I wanted to ask for his forgiveness anak. He doesn't deserve all the awful things I've said."

"I'm pretty sure he already forgive you mom. Hindi marunong magtanim ng galit si Psyche." I said proudly.

"Still, I want to ask for his forgiveness." Mommy insisted.

"Okay, I'll tell him. Pero saka na mommy, nagpapahinga pa siya ngayon. Ayokong istorbohin ang bakasyon niya."

She nodded and fixed herself. This night should not end, not until–

"Uhm mommy, M-merry C-christmas..." I said.

Mommy got teary eyed again. She cupped my face and kissed me on my forehead.

"Merry Christmas anak, oh God thank you!"

***

:)