7. Back in Black (Genderbent)

Requested by BubbleGuppiesFan96, PretzelSticks, and One Nutty Author.

AN 4/2/18: Decided to add some color to Lars's outfit. Not exactly based on the fanart anymore.

Friday afternoon, Linka was in the living room just finishing up half of her model of the solar system for her science project.

"There you go Earth, right next to your brother, Mars." She says as she rotates the model. "Uh oh, watch out for Jupiter. I gas you can say he's up to no good." She chuckles to herself for pulling a Lane.

"Hey, Linka." Lars greets from behind his sister, holding a container of a red liquid. Linka gets so scared that she falls backward in her chair. The chair knocking the container out of Lars's hands and splatters all over her project.

"Gross! It's all over my project!"

"Relax. It's fake blood. Sigh, unfortunately."

Later, Lars is mopping up the blood and Linka is using a blow dryer on her textbook. Lars examines some of his blood between his fingers.

"Hmm, needs more molasses. That will give it just the right amount of ooze." He says then goes into the kitchen. Linka rolls her eyes then hears the doorbell ring. She opens it for her project partner, Riley Spokes and her identical younger sister.

"Hi, Riley."

"Hey, Linka. My parents are at work so I had to bring my little sister."

"No problem. Make yourself at home, Roxy." Linka addresses the younger girl.

"Thanks, girl."

"Did you bring Ur-anus?" Linka asks Riley.

"Never leave home without it." She answers, taking out the little planet from her backpack. Levi overheard the conversation from the top of the stairs and was annoyed.

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Levi mutters to himself. "The correct pronunciation is yurr-en-us, Linka!" He yells out. Lane walks up next to him.

"Levi, there's no reason to be butthurt over a planet!" He laughs. "Get it?"

"Unfortunately."

Linka facepalm herself and Riley stifles her laughter with her hands. Roxy blinks her eyes in confusion.

"I don't get it."

"I'll explain when you're older." Her sister responds.

Back in the living room, Riley and Linka are working on the project while Roxy tries to entertain herself catching and throwing a baseball. Lars steps out of the kitchen with a bottle of molasses.

"Gasp." He says when his eyes are on Roxy. To him, this girl is beautiful. "Oh…" His chest hurts from his abnormal quick heartbeats and his head is reeling. He doesn't notice that he dropped his bottle of molasses. The girls look up at the spill but Lars disappears, leaving a trail of molasses covered footprints leading into the living room.

"The hell?" Linka questions.

Roxy is watching the Louds' TV. Lars pops his head out of the chimney and says "Sigh." Roxy looks over there and sees nothing. She shrugs and tells Linka, "I gotta pee."

"Bathroom's upstairs and down the hall to the left."

As Roxy makes her way to the bathroom, Lars peeks out from the vent. "Sigh."

Roxy turns around sharply. "Hello?" She calls out to no one.

Roxy decides to jump rope outside. Lars shows up in the doghouse and watches her. "Sigh."

Again, Roxy turns around and Lars is replaced by Charlie, dragging her butt. "Freaky house." Roxy says and continues playing. Lars is in his room and watches her from his window.

"Sigh. I know she's not really my type but she's so- what's the word my brothers use? Cute." Lars picks up his vampire bust. "Don't worry Edna, you'll always be my undead soulmate. But until we're united, it would be cool to hang out with a girl that isn't my sister."

A moment of silence gives Lars his answer. "I should just go and talk to her? Thanks for understanding." He says as he pats Edna.

"Ok, what do they have here?" Roxy says as she scavenges the fridge. She spots Lars's container of fake blood. "What's this?" She takes it and closes the fridge.

"That's my fake blood." Lars answers behind her. She screams and throws the container in the air, then it spills on her head.

"It's my new recipe. Tomato sauce, molasses and cocoa powder." He pulls on Roxy's shirt and feels the blood. "Hmm, now it got the ooze but not the splatter. Hi, I'm Lars." He holds out a bloody hand toward her.

Roxy is stunned for a moment then runs away from him in the direction of the bathroom.

Roxy emerges from the bathroom washed up and comes face to face with Lars holding an orange blouse. "Thought you might need a clean shirt." Roxy backs away from him as he walks toward her and explains. "Just to be clear, it's my sister's. I would never wear something so hideously colorful." Roxy ends up falling down the stairs. She's unfazed by the fall and books it out of there.

Riley notices her sister's sudden disappearance. "Was that Roxy? Sorry Link, you'll have to finish the project." Her ginger friend leaves the house and goes after her sister.

"Groan. I'm such a dork." Lars says solemnly on the couch.

"What happened?" Linka asks as she sits down next to him.

"I tried to talk to Roxy but every time I do, she runs away. What am I doing wrong?"

"What are you talking to her about?"

"You know, blood, bruises. I didn't get the chance to show her my new embalming kit." He explains as three bats from his colony amassed on his head.

"No offense Lars, but a girl like her wouldn't be interested in all of that."

"Then what is she into?"

"I don't know her that well but she seems like a regular and normal kid."

Lars contemplates those two words. "Regular and normal? Huh, regular and normal…" He repeats, going upstairs.

That night, a pissed off Loki slams bedroom his door open. "Lexx!" He calls out into the hallway. "Where the hell is my gold chain necklace?!"

Lexx opens his bedroom door. "I didn't take it again if that's what you're implying. But someone did take my cologne! I bet it was Loni!"

Loni emerges from the bathroom. "One, I think that Axe cologne smells like crap so it wasn't me. And B, I like to know who stole my blue tuxedo, Loki!"

"Why the hell would I have your tux? I told you it was a bad idea to buy that piece of trash in the first place!"

"You're just jealous of my style. So give me back my tux!"

"That's my scent! I can't have people associate it with you buttheads!" Lexx yells in the middle of them. He turns around and holds up his hands to cease the arguing.

"Hold on, I smell my cologne." Lexx sniffs the air and the scent leads him to Lynn's and Lars' room.

"Lynn!" Lexx screams. "I swear to God if you're using my cologne to cover up the stink of your hockey pads…" Lexx slams the door open and the three blondes gasp at the sight. Lars was wearing Loki's chains and Loni's tuxedo, and spraying himself with Lexx's cologne.

"Dude, what is this?" Loki asks, curiously.

Lars gulps nervously. "I-I-I thought if I was more "regular and normal", Riley's sister Roxy would be interested in me. Sorry I took your stuff, guys. I understand if you're mad."

Loki and Loni look at each other in disbelief. Lexx leaves the room quietly. "Damn right we're mad!" Loki says. "Mad you didn't call us to help you!"

"Yeah, man! We've been wanting to do something about your image since like, your birth!" Loni adds.

Lexx comes back with a book. He opens it for Lars and it's pages and pages of male fashion models with Lars's face on them. "I've been working on this Lars vision journal for years! Until now, it was just a fantasy."

Loki calls out to the hallway. "Guys!" The rest of the brothers peek their heads out from their respective rooms and Lynn comes upstairs. "We have a code LL-221 and this is not a drill!"

"What?! We're moving?!" Lynn exclaims.

"No, dumbass! That's a code 220! 221 is Lars is finally ready for an image change."

"Ohhh."

The rest nod in acknowledgment and brought out different clothes, shoes, accessories and hair products.

"Have you guys done this kind of thing before?" Lars asks as all his brothers surround him.

"No, but it's all trial and error. What could go wrong?" Loki answers.

"Wait-"

"Hold him down!" The brothers do that and create a dust cloud with clothes, accessories, etc. The result is Lars is dressed as a football player.

"Too jocky." The brothers decide. They do another trial and it ends up with Lars dressed in the 50s "T-bird" outfit. His hair had an immense amount of hair grease.

"Too greasy." They try again and this time, Lars is dressed as a familiar boy in a green hat from a small mountain town in Colorado.

"Too Jewish-y." Fourth time's the charm. This time when the dust cloud cleared, it revealed Lars with blonde hair. He's wearing blue jeans, a dark violet t-shirt, black Nike sneakers with pink laces, and a dark violet baseball cap that's backward.

"Too… awesome!"

Lars looks at himself in the mirror. "Hmm, nice job guys." Fangs, his right-hand bat, lands on his head. "What do you think, Fangs?"

Lexx swats his hand at the bat. "Shoo! Shoo! First thing's first, no more bats." He demands. He then adds faux gold rings on Lars's fingers.

"Yeah, and do not talk about mortality," Luke says.

"Or death," Loni says.

"Or ask for her blood type," Leif says.

"Or suggest visiting a cemetery for a first date." Loki says.

"And make sure you make her laugh." Lane says. "Jokes are a good icebreaker, like this one. Why was Samson the best comedian in the Bible? Because he brought the house down!" He laughs heartily.

"Samson, best comedian, brought the house down." Lars repeats back to him. "Got it."

"Oh, and flex the guns. Girls dig strong boys." Lynn adds, flexing his own bicep.

"If all else fails, try my patented chocolate spray. Scientifically proven to attract eight-year-old girls." Levi explains and sprays some on him. The other brothers cough in disgust at the stench.

"Gag." Lars says with no emotion.

"Note to self, go lighter on the dark chocolate."

Chris suddenly attacks Lars and he screams in his monotone voice, running out of the room, passing by Linka and her completed project. Fangs fly after Lars and he almost made Linka drop her project.

"Am I crazy or did I just see Lars with blonde hair?" Linka asks, confused.

"You saw exactly that, little sis," Loki says. "We made Lars regular and normal for Roxy."

"AKA, Lars' future bae." Loni says.

"Oh, so I'm not the crazy one here. Guys, this looks like this is not going to end well if Lars has to change who he is."

"If you're going to preach to us "be yourself if you want someone to like you", don't bother." Levi says. "That's what females are taught, but they still hold a high standard for males."

"You just get Roxy back here, sis." Luke tells her.

"How?"

"Get Riley to bring her!" Lane demands. "Don't you guys have more work to do on your solar system?"

"No need. All finished." Linka holds up her project. Lynn smashes it with his hockey stick.

"Not anymore." He says with smugness.

"Lynn! What the f-"

"Hey! Watch your language! And stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your little brother!"

The next evening, Linka and Riley glue their project back together in the living room, Roxy nearby.

"So, the dog did this?" Riley asks, suspiciously.

"Uhhh, yeah! Bad Charlie!" Linka shakes her fist at the dog in feign anger. Charlie drags her butt against the carpet in frustration. Lars is coming down the stairs, but his too-big sneakers made him slip. He quickly regains his balance and stood tall with, as his brothers call it, the three C's: calm, cool, and collected.

His brothers, minus Loki, watch from the top of the stairs eagerly. Roxy doesn't seem to notice him. Loni signals Lars to tap on her shoulder.

Lars does so and says, "Oh my god, Roxy. It's so great to see you again."

"And, who are you?" Roxy asks, confused.

"I'm Lars."

"Oh, sorry. I… didn't recognize you."

Loki enters the house on the phone with Bebe, who's not so discreetly, on speaker phone.

"Aww babe, I thought you be here last night!" He acts like he's upset. "I already bought two tickets to mini golf."

"Sorry Loki Bear, I had to work the night shift at the bodega. Why not give the tickets to another young couple?" She said that sentence like she's reading a script.

"Great idea! Who's interested? Lars?"

"I was supposed to meet my friends at the arcade but whatever." Lars responds, acting along.

"Oh! Maybe you should invite someone Lars's age so it would be less awkward." Bebe suggests.

"You're free, right Roxy?" Loki asks.

"Well…"

"Great!" Loki goes back on his call. "Thanks, babe. We're all set. Bye!" He hangs up. "I'll be your driver, guys." He says to the two eight-year-olds. "I promise to be out of your way."

"Don't forget the keys!" Levi reminds him. He throws the van's keys and a small plastic bag at him. Loki catches the two objects.

"Thanks!" Loki and Lars eagerly leave with a confused Roxy.

"Any of you other boys looking for a date?" Riley asks, flirtatiously. The boys look at each other annoyed.

"Riley, catch." Lane says and throws her a water bottle.

"Why did you give me this?"

"I figured you could use it more than me cause you're sooo thirsty!" The boys holler at Lane's joke and laugh loudly going upstairs.

At the mini-golf course, Hole-In-Onederland, Loki opens the small bag that Levi gave him, a set of earpieces with a microphone and the receiver.

"So, I'll be at the next hole over if you need me." Loki explains. He slaps the side of his brother's head, inserting the receiver in his ear and walks away. Roxy walks away to retrieve their putters.

"Lars? Lars? Can you hear me?" Loki says into the microphone.

Lars holds his ear. "Loki? You could have told me you put a headset in my ear." Lars tucks the wire down his shirt.

"Whatever. Just follow my advice and remember, regular and normal."

Roxy comes back with two putters. Lars steps up to take his turn. Loki sees this from his spot and says "Lars, throw away your shot. If she thinks you're bad at this game, she'll get closer to help you."

"Oops." Lars says as he tosses his putter away, after hitting Roxy in the shin with it.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"Uh… I thought… My biceps must have had a muscle spasm." Lars flexes his arm with a nervous grin while Roxy looks on confused.

At the next hole, it's Roxy's turn. "Maybe we should be more subtle." Loki says. "Compliment her after her turn." When Roxy hits her ball, it flys everywhere in the course.

"Ooh, great shot, Foxy Roxy." Lars compliments.

"What? I totally shanked it! My ball went down a rain gutter!"

"Ha ha. Ha ha. You're so funny, reminds me of a joke."

"A joke?"

"Yes. Umm. Uhh…" Lars suddenly forgets the Samson joke Lane told the night before or any of his jokes for that matter.

"Don't worry, Lars. I've lived with Lane longer, I'll think of something. Just repeat after me." Loki reassures. At his own hole, he putts his ball a little too hard and the ball hits a squirrel in a tree. It screeches and chitters angrily. "Did I just hit a squirrel?"

"Did I just hit a squirrel?" Lars repeats.

"A squirrel?" Roxy asks.

The squirrel runs down its tree and creeps toward Loki. "Nice squirrel, I don't want any trouble."

"Nice squirrel, I don't want any trouble." Lars repeats. The squirrel jumps on Loki's chest and he screams out swear words. Words that his brother is repeating to his date.

"Oh f*ck! Get the f*ck off of me! Shit! Ow! Stupid bitch! Ow! Motherf*cking c*nt! Lars, don't repeat any of this!" After that last sentence, Lars covers his mouth with his hand while Roxy blinks, dumbfounded.

"Wow. What was that?"

"I-I'm sorry. I-"

"Never mind. I don't even want to know." Roxy continues with the game, Lars follows behind her, embarrassed.

Roxy and Lars make it to the haunted hole. "Lars?" The eight-year-old boy hears in his ear.

"Loki?" Lars answers, turning away from Roxy and holding his ear.

"The good news is the earpiece is not damaged. The bad news is that my shirt is literally torn up." Loki's shirt is torn into pieces and there's a little blood drawing from the scratches on his chest.

"Well, now Roxy thinks I have a sailor's mouth."

"I'm sorry. What hole are you at?"

"The haunted hole."

"Ohhh, The creepiest hole in the course! Perfect! Be her comfort. Tell her "if you get scared, I'll hold your hand"."

Lars walks up next to her. "You know Roxy if you get scared-" he stops in mid-sentence when he sees a special casket. He walks up to it.

"Whoa. The Freilich 2000 with crushed velvet interior. I've only seen these in catalogs." He opens it and prepares to get in. Loki sees this from his hole one over and jumps over the barrier between the two holes. Loki runs up to his brother and pulls him back.

"Lars, no, no, no! Regular and normal." He whispers those last three words. He successfully pulls Lars back but didn't see Roxy next to them. Lars accidentally hits Roxy who lands inside a coffin, screaming all the way.

The Loud brothers were hanging out in the living room, waiting for their two brothers. When a scratched up, torn shirt Loki and a defeated Lars enters, they immediately jump to their feet.

"Tell me everything! Tell me everything!" Lexx demands.

"Did she say she likes you?" Loni asks.

"No, she did not say that. I'm pretty sure she never will." Lars says, depressed, taking his sneakers off.

"Lars, wait." Loki begins. "We're sorry we pushed you too far." The brothers agree and apologize.

"We got a little carried away when you said you wanted to be regular and normal like us. But you're neither of those things. You're Lars Loud. The Gothic boy who pops out of nowhere and owns a colony of bats. You're fine just the way you are. And if a girl doesn't think so, then she's not worth it, man."

"Sigh. No need to apologize. I know you guys only wanted to help and I thank you. Now, I'm going to go sit in the dark. That always cheers me up." Lars head upstairs.

"Well, lesson learned: you can lead a Goth to normalcy but you can't make him change." Loki says to his brothers.

Linka finished her project for the second time and overhears Lars as she passed by his room.

"Well, Edna. Roxy doesn't like me as myself. She doesn't like me as a regular and normal boy. She just doesn't like me." He explains. "Sigh. I was so stupid to think it could work with a mortal." He pulls his coffin from under his bed and gets in.

"Poor kid." Linka grieves.

"Fangs, bedtime." Lars calls out for his bat. It flys into his room, startling Linka and dropping her project.

"Damn it."

Sunday afternoon, Riley and Linka finished fixing their project for a third time at Riley's house.

"There we go. Now, all we have to do is keep it far away from your house and we're set." Riley explains.

Roxy enters the room, covered in blood.

"AHH! ROXY! YOU'RE BLEEDING!" Riley screeches then faints. Linka stands horrified over her partner's state and Roxy's appearance.

"Don't worry, girl. Riley faints all the time." Roxy reassures.

"Ok but, dude! Are you ok?!"

"Oh, yeah. This is fake blood." Roxy shows her a container of fake blood.

"Why would you have fake blood?"

"I saw Lars make it at your house and I got inspired. In all honesty, he seemed cool before he decided to go blonde. Anyway…" she walks off.

"Hmmm." Linka says, getting an idea. She grins as she pushes the project on the floor, breaking it. "Ooops."

Riley wakes up. "What- what happened?"

"Uh… you fainted and broke our solar system."

"Perfect! Just perfect!" Riley says, annoyed.

"Don't worry, we can fix it at my house. I have an extra Jupiter."

"Your house?"

"Like our project is any safer here!"

"Good point. Come on, Rox! Let's roll!"

Linka and Riley repair their project for the fourth time. "Done! Form a protected perimeter." Riley commands and the fifth-grade girls link arms around their project. Linka notices Lars go into the kitchen, back to his usual Goth self. He discreetly walks past them, trying to avoid Roxy.

Linka smirks. "Hey, Roxy, can you get us some sodas from the kitchen, please?"

Roxy shrugs and goes into the kitchen. Lars puts in another container of fake blood in the fridge and closes the door. Roxy was behind it. And in a true stroke of irony, he's the one who gets scared.

"Gah! Oh, hey."

"Hi. You changed hair back." Roxy says, holding some sodas.

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling the blonde. I tried to be regular and normal but I'm more comfortable being myself."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Yeah. Well, see you around. Wait, you are? But the first day we've met, you kept running away from me. I thought I scared you."

"To be honest, I thought you were too cool for me. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I ran. Gah, I'm such a dork."

They both turn their heads away, blushing. Lars broke out in a wide grin. Him, being too cool for someone, just the way he is. It was a nice thought.

"So, hey, my coffin's collection in the attic. Wanna check it out?"

"Ok. Just as long I don't have to get into one." She offers Lars one of the sodas.

"Deal." He takes one of the sodas. He looks back at his sister and gives her a thumbs-up, Linka nods back.

"Can we stop? I feel faint." Riley pleads.

Monday morning, Linka and Riley carefully bring their project to the school campus.

"Easy. Easy. Ah! Watch the pothole!" Riley says, paranoid.

"Riley, we spent all weekend on this. We're not going to break it again."

Roxy and Lars appear behind them, holding a container of fake blood. "Hey, guys." They say together. Both girls jump in the air, startled by their younger siblings' greeting. Fortunately, not dropping their project.

"Phew. Nice save, Link." Riley says as she high fives Linka.

"Sorry, we didn't mean to scare you." Lars says.

"We just want to show you we nailed the fake blood recipe." Roxy says.

"We even add in some popcorn kernels for brain matter." Lars opens the container, picks up some kernels, and holds out his red hand to the fifth graders. The sight causes Riley to faint, dropping the project and destroying it.

"Damn it." Linka says, exasperated.