Chapter - 12

"Why don't you get some fresh air to clear your head," I suggest to a confused senior, and subtly coax him outside.

"It's better to meet in person than to talk on the phone like this," I said, and we arranged to meet at a nearby park.

I was already prepared to leave, so the time I needed to run was only two or three minutes.

Not enough time to regain my composure.

Bitchiness aside, it's heartbreaking to see you lose your composure and realize what you're going through.

Even if things went the way you thought they would, you can't be naively happy about it.

"Please eat this first."

As I say that, I pour hot tea from a thermos and hand it over.

Even though it's early summer, it gets cold at night.

I wondered if I had used my hands too well, but the senior didn't seem to suspect anything and sipped the tea.

"I'm sorry, Araki. I didn't want you to come out at this time of night."

Her expression was a mixture of apology and gratitude.

I think it's strange to show so much joy, so I simply reply, "No," while lowering my head.

I can't control the way my cheeks are burning.

We sit side by side on the bench and listen to the senior speak.

You feel very vulnerable.

I can't help but think of my boyfriend's cancer..., or my predicament for pushing my passion on a girl.

The sudden surge of fear and disgust at seeing her seemingly accepting.

There are a few unclear areas of your emotional progression, partly because you don't have a clear explanation.

To resolve the situation, I felt like I needed to step inside him by asking pointed questions.

But that's probably for the best, so I left it alone.

It's not my job to be the analyst, it's just a comfort station.

I listen to what he has to say and release what might otherwise turn into depression if it's kept in the belly.

That's it. That's all that matters right now.

"...Sorry. We're not really in a position to talk about this."

"Don't mind me, I don't mind anything, please keep going."

You're there when you're struggling, when you want someone to be there.

That's more important than staying in a relationship that you're vaguely tired of for years. Woohoo.

By this point, you're done talking.

When you're done, you look like you've relaxed a bit.

The shock hasn't gone away, but you've regained your composure and somehow recovered.

I guess that's what happens.

The plan was to say goodbye and end it here, and use it as a bridge to tomorrow.

Pushing now would only cause unnecessary confusion for the senior──that's what I was thinking.

I've made up my mind.

I will go on the offensive from now on.

I will not fail like Kurumi Ayase.

I will win, by using her defeat as a springboard.

No..., even with my determination, there is still hesitation.

The feel of damp sweat in my clenched hands.

I wipe it away imperceptibly when I touch it.

The speed of my mouth.

My throat feels like there's something stuck in it too, like I'm going to scratch and choke on my words.

Even if I pretend to be bold, I'm a timid person underneath.

It's like a joke, but──I'm just one of those "fragile girls" who go through puberty.

It's unnerving to step onto a path that you can't back out of, even if you want to.

I've yet to erase the helplessness that whispers somewhere in the back of my mind, "I can turn back now."

It's my first love. It's my first love. How can a girl be so resolute about her first love!

You glance up absentmindedly, but there are no shining stars in the sky, just a wall of dark clouds.

You feel the night air on your skin, almost wanting to cry, and you pull yourself out of your body.

I've given up trying to fight it off, and I embrace the anxiety that won't go away.

Because in the end, I have no choice but to let it all work out.

"...yo...yohey, senior..."

I leaned slightly against him, unable to hide the trembling in my voice.

My tiny body leaning against him. The feel of his clothes against my cheek.

It's cold at first, but then warmth rises from underneath.

The heat from his body, from where we were so close, reminded me of lunch one day and made me nostalgic.

The day I confessed to my senior and went toe-to-toe with that Ayase Kurumi for the first time──it seems like a long time ago.

"Ah, Araki?"

My senior calls out in a panic.

The tremor in his voice is transmitted from the chest we're touching.

A tone that mixes embarrassment with a bit of fear. It's not unreasonable.

You've just been dumped by an old boyfriend, and you're not sure what to think.

You can't afford to respond.

You're trying to pull away, not hard, but loosely.

You're searching for the right words to say.

"...Please don't say anything."

You restrain him.

Closing his eyes lightly.

I let out a soft, drowsy thought that resembles a dream.

Your body has warmed up, and the chill of the night is leaving your consciousness.

"Don't ask me why, I just like him, that's why I told him to go out with me..."

He's feverish, repeating the same confession over and over again.

"I'm not asking you to love me, I don't want to tie you down, I just want to be with you, I want to be around you, I want to be with you, I want to be with you, that's all. Yeah, that's it, really, really..."

It flows like rambling.

I keep saying it without even knowing what I want to say.

"If there's one thing I want now──it's your body temperature."

I reach out and touch his fingertips.

"I'm a girl who's not strong in the slightest, I'm just pretending to be, everyone says I'm stronger than I look, but I'm actually a flimsy human being who could fly if you blew on her, and I'm lonely, and it's too painful to bear alone, and I don't necessarily want you to protect me, because being protected is just as lonely."

I intertwine our fingers and hold on tight.

"I don't ask for much, just one thing. I want you to stay with me... and I'll let go of all other desires, and I'll try to make your desires my desires. I'll do anything. I'll do anything."

It's not that hard to be faithful.

It's just a matter of letting go of everything.

"I'll do my best──to the bone."

My body is light without the shell.

"Everything" can be sold as a fleeting feeling.

"Please take me as yours. Like a piece of wartime property."

"...I thought you didn't like treating people like objects?"

"I just didn't want him to be treated like an object. I don't care about myself. Please think of me as a possession, a piece of property, or a dog you own. It's easier for you."

As I feel his smell through my nose, my mind goes to Jiggo.

The dependency wall is self-aware.

When I was alone, I depended on the shell, and when I got rid of the shell, I depended on Dori.

And if you're going to let go of the shell, you have no choice but to rely on your seniors.

Dependence is like faith, and when I think about my body being nurtured by you, my heart jumps and I feel so reverent that I can't say anything.

There's something really wrong with you, you mistletoe woman.

"..., Araki."

I turn to the smiling face of the senior who asks, "What?"

When I feel a hand hugging me instead of pulling me away, I'm no longer anxious about anything.

"Are you sure...you'll do anything...?"

"Yes, Mul."

Before I could finish my sentence, his lips were on mine.

Like a snake.

In the park at night. Silence is the only thing that watches.

We fell into a kiss that felt like we were licking each other's wounds for a moment.

I felt like I was going to be robbed of my first experience outside, but somehow I convinced him to let me in.

"Excuse me...? Aah! Excuse me, are we still in the front room?"

It was there that I came to hatefully realize the meaning of the word "beast," which I had never really understood when I heard it from Haga.

No wonder she shuddered.

No, she can't do anything before it does or doesn't do anything.

It was plug-in-plug-out, almost forcefully held back.

"Wait, senior..., please wait, let me rest...!"

But my pleas fell on deaf ears, and I was thrust in and out three times in quick succession as I was assaulted in every aching part of my body.

There was no time to think about birth control or anything else.

By the time I was able to say "ah..." and think straight, I felt like I was going to lose my breath.

I was soaking wet. It was too late.

Just when I thought it was completely over and I was pulling myself together, the senior who was wiping my noticeably wet spot with a tissue said, "Oh..., for some reason it's flaring up violently again."

"Eh? Oh, well. We're still in the foyer, at least you can't spit...aah!?"

Before I had time to stop, I felt another two injections near the inside.

What can I say, it's more like a fish on a chopping block than a...sandbag?

To be clear, being the uninformed person that I am, I never would have thought that a man would ejaculate five times on the first night.

I was surprised, to be honest.

If I had known, I would have built up more stamina beforehand, but...I was almost fainting by the end.

I was worried that since I have this kind of body, my seniors would not be satisfied with my performance.

I was probably overly worried.

It's said that people with so-called "special tastes" have great desire for a meager body like mine, but why was the senior, who hadn't paid me the slightest bit of attention because he was preoccupied with the retardedness of the neighbor's bitch, so energetic that I wondered if he had "special tastes"?

Did he just happen to be in a special state today?

Or is this how being a man is supposed to feel?

I can't tell from my body, which lacks knowledge and experience.

I was too groggy to think about it, and after a shower to clean myself up, I crawled into bed, using my senior's arm as a pillow, and craved a muddy sleep.

That aside, I wonder if I'll be able to walk upright tomorrow....

The next morning.

I woke up feeling like my lower half was a different person.

I felt like I had sensation, but it was dull, like my nerves had lost contact somewhere, and I was plagued by pain and discomfort that was hard to describe.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..., I was clearly out of sorts yesterday...!"

Kneeling on the ground, JoAri tried to apologize to the apologizing senior with energy, saying, "It's okay," "It's okay," "It's okay," but the politeness part was already physically swollen and unsustainable.

In sports, it would have been a Dr. Stop, and I slowly applied ointment.

Inevitably, I relinquished my interaction with the senior that day to my hands and mouth.

I had heard the stories, but I was surprised by the depth of the technology.

It wasn't just rubbing, licking, or biting.

My intellectual curiosity was so piqued that I added my less confident lower half to the mix.

My jaw was quickly exhausted, and my hands were bruised like osteomyelitis, but I managed to bring my senior to three climaxes.

I'm very satisfied and my face is glowing.

That being said, it's amazing to see that your bump, which has been battered since yesterday and exposed to the onslaught of my tongue and fingers today, is still intact, or rather, still tender.

Unlike my swollen one, it seems to have a fairly sturdy structure.

As we admired, night fell, and we parted ways for the time being, albeit with regret.

Tomorrow we'll meet again at school.

Parting is only as lonely as the ties that bind.

So, then.

I wish I had the patience to come back in the morning, but I'll save that for something I don't even want to think about, since I went around the world and came back at night, and the reprimand I was given for my freckles was beyond the pale.

Kuwabara Kuwabara.