13

I thought, regaining my memories was a good thing.

But, I'm wrong.

It's even more hurtful. To learn the aftermath of my actions, it's even harder. To watch the continuation of life after that, it's heartbreaking.

To know that your loved ones moving on with their life.

It's a silent suffering.

Here I am, watching Ivry and Khittan from afar. Looking at the man that I love the most in someone's care. Nothing could even describe how it feels but I know how I felt right now.

I'm crushed.

Maybe this is for the best. Maybe he's doing better without me. Having Ivry can make him happy. Just like how folks always said, be with someone who is crazy in love with you, not the opposite.

And Ivry loves Khittan like crazy.

"Unnie..."

Hera pats my shoulder. I look up and flash her a smile.

"Why are you here? It's cold," Hera softly pulls my sweater.

"It's stuffy in that room. I need some air," I reply to her.

"You need to rest a lot..."

"I'm fine, Hera. I can be discharged anytime soon," I smile at her.

"No! You need to rest well!"

"No one can stay at the hospital for a long time, Hera. I need to be discharged soon. It's better to discharge now," I say.

"Who's gonna take care of you?" Hera's brows stitch together.

"Hera, I'm old enough to take care of myself,"

"Unnie, you broke your hand. I'm worried about your head, too. You have the most impact there," she softly pokes my head.

"Yeah, with that impact, I remember every shitting things that I did before!" I chuckle as I gaze at her.

Hera throws me a worrisome expression.

"Unnie, I don't know what happened between you and Khittan, but I-"

"Hera, I'm moving on. Dont worry. Nabbing someone's boyfriend is not my cup of tea..." I slowly rise from the chair. "And stop pulling some sympathy on me. I don't need that," my lips crook up while staring at her with my glistening eyes.

I leave her alone in the hospital foyer. Walking towards my room, I wipe the last tears that coming out of my eyes.

It's wrap time. And move onward.

***

"What are you doing?!" Ivry's high-pitched voice abuses my ears. She quickly halts me from packing my stuff into the bag.

"I'm discharging. Going home..."

"No, you need to stay. At least until the last check-up," Ivry tries to take out some of my stuff from the bag. So, we have a little fight.

"I need to go home. It feels stuffy here. Besides, I don't wanna be a burden,"

"You're no burden to anyone. Stop saying that!" Ivry declines the claim.

"You guys spend so much time visiting me at the hospital, taking turns taking care of me at night. Hera and Sweet are already busy at the cafe. Jun has recording and promotion. And you..." I gaze at Ivry. "You should spend more time with Khittan instead of taking care of me," my lips crook up a bit, drawing a smile at Ivry.

"Jeez, he's the one who should be around more! Plus, I have nothing to do. And..." Ivry grabs my hand softly. "You're the most valuable friend that I have. I don't mind giving my time to you," she stares at me with her bubbling eyes.

I gave her a faint smile, but still, I didn't stop packing my things.

"Fine. If you insist on leaving. There is only one way then," she flicks her right brow and smirks.

***

I hate this idea. So much.

But I have no choice.

It's like getting back to zero. Or, turn back time. I just sniff my freedom in less than a year. Now, I feel somehow, I'm in a cage again.

I hope this time, it won't be long.

"Oh, let me check your room if it's ready..."

"Ivry..." I grab her wrist. "I don't think this is a good idea..."

"Trust me. Khittan won't say anything. I bet he must be glad that you're here!" says Ivry.

"Why?" I'm in a daze.

"He told me that I spend too much time taking care of you at the hospital. So, when I told him about my idea, he immediately consented,"

My heart beats fast. That's too easy! Does Ivry never put suspicion on him at all? Does she never ask him anything?

***

The night has come but still, I can't sleep. My mind wanders elsewhere, I don't how to describe my feelings.

Should I feel happy? Should I feel grateful? Should I feel sad? Should I feel scared?

Right now, I'm in the house of a man whom once I gave my heart to. But right now, I don't know what to do. It's like I'm running in a loop with no end. Everything seems like a dead end.

I decided to walk around the house. Try to empty my mind and think thoroughly. When I pass by the hall, I can see a huge portrait stamp on the wall.

A portrait of The Royal Highness Prince Khittan.

Looking at the picture, I couldn't help but think.

What are we doing wrong that we have to live like this, Khit? Why is whenever I try to run from you, you always bounce back to me? And whenever you come back, the feeling is even stronger than before.

"Tell me what should I do to forget you?" I ask myself. "The heartbreak, it's even harder than before..."

"Then, don't. Just let your heart do whatever it wants to,"

I turn around.

Khittan is standing behind me. His eyes are glassy. He looks like a mess, with his dark blue pajama that buttons only halfway. He is holding a whiskey glass.

"Khit..."

"If you ask me, how am I moving on?" he slowly walks towards me. "Let me tell you something..." he puts away his glass. Softly, he grabs my palm and grips it tight.

"I never forget you. Not for once. You are always in my mind. You are the only one for me. Past, present..." he slowly caresses my cheek. "And perhaps my future, too..."

With those words, he leans closer and plants his lips against me.