Chapter 33: Not Good Enough

Gavin glanced at Aunt Valor and back to me. "Perfect world, he would have been the man you needed him to be. Perfect world you never would have had to reject him to protect me. Perfect world he would have been there for us. But now Perfect world would be for you to be happy, and since we have been back... Well you aren't. Not any happier here then in Oregon. Not really." He glanced at me with knowing eyes. "So if here is making it worse I say we move back. He still doesn't know where we went and the family has and will keep it a secret if we ask." I glare at him. "What happened to no matter what we stay Herr and figure it out." I asked as Gavin's vein popped up.

"That was before he man handled you and I was to shocked to do anything. It went from playful to dangerous quick." Gavin shook his head and I pulled him in for a hug. "I am fine." He stood up and chucked a glass. "This time Mom, what if he succeeded, what if next time he hurts you!" Gavin tore from the room and I went after him, but my Aunt grabbed my arm. "He's right, give him a few minutes." I nodded and cleaned up the glass before sitting down.

A knock sounded at my door and my Dad's head popped in. "Surf Night?" I smiled and ran towards the door. "Aunt Valor you coming?" She smiled and nodded as she slapped me to run ahead. "Gavin we are all having a surf night if you want to come down." He blocked it so I sent a hug down the line. "He coming?" I shook my head and grabbed my board. "He is mad, and is blocking me." I raced into the water and caught the next wave in. We surfed until the moon shined brightly above us. "Dad, did you and Mom ever fight?" He nodded and straddled his board.

"The most we fought was over your sister... But I definitely did some groveling after and definitely had to talk many times to find a compromise." I looked over to see Uncle Jacob shaking his head. "That's my que." Aunt Valor said as she rode it gracefully." I looked up and tried to relax. "I want to forgive him, but how do I ever trust him again?" My Dad shrugged and played with the water. "Your Mom forgave me, Valor forgave Jacob... Everyone makes mistakes it is just up to us how we deal with it." I let out a deep breath. "Has Mom or anyone ever felt like they weren't enough?" A tear slid down my face and my Dad pulled my board over towards him.

"No not that anyone's ever said. Do you feel like you aren't good enough?" I shrugged and he lifted my chin up. "Not me I know who I am. It's just when he's there and I get all these emotions I think back to when he tried to change me. I don't want to change. Jackson says he loves me blah, blah, blah. And a part of me thinks it's just the connection." My Dad nods and pushes the board which slips me off of it and into the water. "Dad!" I yelled as I climbed back up. "I did that for two reasons. One is I am sure you never told him that, because his face just dropped, and two you damn well know your worth Paisley. Your mother and I didn't raise a weak wolf."

I huffed and settled back on the board bow looking at Jackson who held his head on the beach running his hands throigh his hair as he paced. "Go on. I'll catch you another night." My Dad said as he rode towards his house. I watched back as Jacob started to take off his shoes. So I dropped down low and rode the next wave in. "Thought I was going to have to come in after you to apologize." Jackson said as he helped open the unit for my board. "I guess not." He rubbed his face and I scrunched my nose. "I don't want to change you Paisley. I never did... I just wanted the approval of my parents. I wanted them to like you and bless us to move foward. I love your wildness and I'd never want to tame you." I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.

"You are to good for me Paise. And you are definitely stronger then me. You never gave up, you raised our son and gave birth all by yourself, even as you broke the connection." He tilted hisbhead back. "I'm sorry I ruined our night, I just got so mad he put a hand on you and bruised your face. He could have broke your jaw. Or worse..." I nodded understanding his point of view and finally feeling better about this whole situation.

"I get it Jackson, but you have to see where I am coming from too. Not only did you want me to change my clothes, you let them take me. You wanted me to go back into a bad situation. And now when I'm back you want me again, but I wasn't good enough for you the first time. So what has changed?" I shook my head as Jackson stared at me. "That's what you think?" Jackson seethed and his hand crushed my fence. "You where always the end game Paisley. My end game. You are my everything. You have always been since the day I walked into a crazy man asking for me to help his friend. Since the day you sat there in Jeans and a cut off shirt and we went to your room. I never stopped thinking about you. Not after you left, not after you tore my heart out and stomped on it. Not for the seventeen years you haven't called. God Fuckin' Damn it you make me crazy." He turned and walked down the beach. "I'll fix your fence tomorrow." He yelled as he walked away.

"So much for telling him how I feel." I said under my breath as I walked inside. When I walked into the kitchen I grabbed a water bottle to see Jackson storming back down the beach. I watched him jump my fence and he walked to the door and back to the fence. I opened the door and watched as he turned back around and I smirked. "Jackson would you like to come inside to talk?" He grunted and I stepped aside allowing him to come in and shut the door.

"Do you want to have some water? Something to eat?" He shook his head. "Okay then." I said as I dropped my towel into the washer. "Well I'm going to go shower, so I'll see you in a bit." I scamper up the stairs and check to see Gavin already passed out and leaning over his desk. "Baby boy, get into bed." I rubbed his back and he groaned as he zombie walked and threw himself on the bed. I huffed remembering the work load and turned his light off and closed the door behind myself. Jackson stood across the hall and smiled. "You are a great Mom Paisley." I nodded and tucked around him into my room. "I try. I said as I unzipped my wetsuit. "I'll be out in a minute Jackson." I went to the bathroom and he followed. "Show me your tattoos."

I gulped and shook my head. "Not now." Jackson's eyes traveled my body. "Please I promise to stay right here." I shook and peeled off the wet suit exposing the one on my thigh. A wolf standing in the trees. I turned to show him the back of my neck which had Gavin's birth date. He swallowed loudly as I slid down my bottoms and showed him the one on my hip. It read "Forever Alone." He whispered and his eyes shot up to mine. I didn't say a word as I pulled the tanking top over my head and revealed a daisy ongwr my left breast. "That's all of them." He nodded and tried to conceal his face.

I started the water and jumped in. "Paisley?" I rinsed my hair before answering yes and rubbed soap on my washcloth. "Do they all have meanings to you?" I nodded and then realized he couldn't see me. "Yes. The daisy is for my favorite flower. The date is Gavin's Birthday, the wolf is because wolves will always be apart of me." I could hear him breathing closer to the door now. "And the Forever Alone?" He asked as I rinsed and shaved my legs. "That is something I got when I realized I would probably always be alone. No relationships I've had ever worked out, neither of my mates wanted me for me. The humans I dated where never enough, and none of them would be able to keep up. So I fixed my heart with a tattoo. A reminder that alone doesn't mean broken." I turned the water off and I pulled the curtain to see Jackson holding his head.

"I never meant for you feel any of these things Paisley. I am in awe of you and so disappointed in myself. I should have fought, I should have chased you." I grabbed a towel and wrapped myself up. "Maybe it was all just for the best." I shrugged and Jackson shook his head. "You can not mean that?" I huffed wrapping my hair in a towel. "Honestly I don't know what I feel anymore. Being around you makes my emotions take over." He nodded and flopped on my bed as I pulled out pj's. He stood up quickly and pulled the drawer open.

"You kept one of my band shirts?" He pulled it out to smell it. "Sometimes I pulled it out and Gavin slept with it when he was a baby. There's pictures of him in it when he was around five." I giggled remembering Gavin running around in the tshirt that dragged on the floor. "He'd pretend his Dad was a super hero and that you left him the short to protect him. He was so mad when I washed it. But he had spilled juice on the front." I ran my fingers down the shirt. "This was from that night I met you?" I nodded and looked up at him.

"Sorry I stole your shirt." He shook his head and pulled it over my head. "I'm sorry I wasn't there." I put my arms through the sleeves and slid on a pair of black shorts. "Will you let me hold you tonight?" I pulled the towel from my hair and braided it quickly and hung the towels up. "I don't think." He rushed to my side and kissed my neck. "Don't Paisley. Please don't send me away again. I'll sleep outside on the floor again." He was pleading and I didn't know how much longer I could hold out. "I need to be near you." He said as he dropped his head to mine.

"If you try and mark me or feel yourself loosing control you need to leave." I said as I pled from his embrace. "I swear as long as I'm here I won't until you are ready." I nodded and walked to the bed. I watched as he stripped down to his boxers and climbed in next to me. "You won't ever be alone again Paisley." He kissed my forehead and pulled me towards him. My face leaned against his chest and I feel asleep. I heard him whisper an I love you before I was totally unconscious and to tired to say anything back.