My Eclipsed Life

Now while this may seem dumb and maybe it will come to bite me in the ass later on I feel like this will help and I'm currently in the process of gaining an epiphany so here we go

I will train, I will struggle, I will destroy those pesky stars.

Give yourself an imposible goal, or at least something that will take forever to do and suddenly the world looks a bit easier to conquer.

Do you maybe or sometimes stop to think that you need a break.

Well I do, I need a vacation... a real one not one stuck to this house bound to this depressing lifestyle.

A rush of adrenaline to keep me going and not speed run this hell of a matrix with a shitty punchline. I need a vice from a pretty girl or an object that I can devote this measly life. Something that will keep this stupid brain occupied enough to stop the escapism destroying its capabilities every damned day. ENOUGH is ENOUGH.

I am tired...…very tired yet full of energy.

My ambition rises like the twin towers only to be demolished by the decisions that make me tick.

"How can I rule the world when i don't know how to rule myself"

I like the Stars. Since just like one I seem shining yet there is something taking the attention from me in the sky, but not all is hopeless at one point you WILL notice ME. The problem with that is that by then I might just have snuffed out. Sad ain't it. But the show must go on.

I relate to the Sun since I glow from my lowest to my highest points but I still turn in for the night. I can glow for you but to a limit. I can be there but to a limit. Yet that is never enough. Even then if I was there for a bit longer I would stop being warm and become scalding. So just like me, you would stand me to a limit. By the time it's dusk you do not miss me you are grateful it's time to sleep.

Despite it all I like the Moon the most. In a sick kind of way tho. See the shine of the sun on its surface so it's not even the moon you are looking at but the residue of the sun. When you really look at the moon you see the scars from the passage of time. There also that thing that every once in a while you can see that it hides its scars in the dark yet still proudly exposing them at the same time. So is the moon shamed of its scars? Well of course not silly it's the moon, it's just a big rock in space. So why am I writing all this about the moon the stars and the sun? Cause I'm a looney and you are a weirdo for reading this far yet I appreciate it. Now where was I… a yes this is the part…. You see just like the moon I have my scars hiding in plain sight yet in the darkness in those little corners you do not pay attention to since you do not look at the black spots on the moon you look at the white. At the end of the day I was just afraid someone would find my scars. From the day she left me to the day I realized how little I mattered in the grand scheme of things I was afraid. So I threw a taMtrUm just like a little child. While enjoying the light of the sun during the day come night I would remove the cliche mask where all pretend was banished and I found my peace enjoying my little balance I could manage. I applaud you for coming this far and I hope you have a nice day. Gracias te lo agradezco en el final te das cuenta que yo no me amo a mi mismo pero me enamore de mi odio.

My first eclipse…

I took my adhd medicine and popped ten straight up and downed them and even as immature as you might have called younger me he did it fully or at least knowingly about what he did. I failed and continued the charade. All proceeds well. The cycle continues. I become the Sun. Being nice, polite, and studious but not bright enough to own a galaxy of my own. So I become the Star. While I do slip here and there it's not enough to tarnish the Sun. A few years the line I catch myself smiling a bit too much at "bad" things, sadistic thoughts revolving the people around me but I manage to control myself keeping the cycle.

Second Eclipse..

I tried with a rope. It snapped and there was a bruise. Maybe I picked bad rope on purpose. Like a flickering Star I was calling for help but nothing. Perhaps I was covered by a cloud but no one seemed to notice. I tried doing sports it worked for a while it also helped for the sadistic streaks. Eventually though the excuses popped up and I quit. Moved from that state. The cycle continues. But this time I'm a red sun.

Third eclipse.

I used a knife. I was scared. Terrified even. Starting to have second thoughts, since I was taking to long the liquid courage was becoming gas and I started trembling. Envy showed its beautiful face,

"Maybe it was for the attention they never gave you".

I wavered and anger bubbled. My hand steadied and I slashed. The pain…. THE PAIN…I looked down to the vertical slash clearly there but not deep enough. Disappointed and dissuaded I did not give a second try.

"Clearly this was enough...…right?"

I threw a REAL taMtrUm and yelled at my mother. A mistake that was not wrongfully done yet still a mistake, yet the charade, the cycle continues. My last cry for help was found a year too late. Funny how the world like to mess with you. I got a therapist like any other edgy teen in need of help but this was not my first rodeo. I became the Sun one last time. I bamboozled that therapist, I told her everything she wanted to hear to get rid of me and moved on I was free no medicine and not one reason to keep pretending that everything was fine.

Final eclipse 2 days ago

I tried to jump. Surely this would be it? I looked up that beautiful full moon looking bigger than usual. I prepare myself for the jump. There is something so amazing about the human body in moments of danger. As I approached the ledge my blood pumped through my whole body. I felt amazing. The breeze against my skin, the weight of my glasses on my face, the coldness of the railing. Despite all that I still felt nothing. I get scared once more, heights and all, but this time there no reason to stop. My body locks up. I am bewildered. Why did I stop? Why now? WHY? and just like that I can move again, yet just like that pride sneaks in,

"Why go out just like this, are that pathetic, WE NO YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD GO OUT WITH A BANG NOT IN THIS DECREPIT ROOF".

I contemplated whether I should listen. I also questioned. Do I want to go out like this? Did I really need to jump? Why not tomorrow what's the difference? And just like that my resolve to jump crumbled like a shitty sand castle facing a wave. Something so simple, so stupid, so obvious. I clearly had given up so why had I faltered this far in. No I had given up that moment I tried to take those pills this was just my ego trying to justify my weak resolve. I step back from the edge. Maybe just maybe not looking up at the sky this time I try to lie one more time. With a smile this time.

"If we avoid eclipses maybe just maybe….we be just fine"

Right?…..