Chapter 127- Guilt 2.

Sebastien's POV.

I could feel her shaking and vibrating close to me, her heart was beating very fast.

The tears in her eyes didn't end, and I kept cleaning them, she sniffled and stared at me.

I knew something was eating her up immediately she came downstairs to meet me, though she kept a blank expression, and was genuinely worried when she saw me, I knew she was disturbed by something, but it looked like it really made her feel bad, because from the look of things, she couldn't say anything about it, but was greatly disturbed, and it made me disturbed as well, I hated seeing her like this, I like when she was happy and had no worries, but right now she wasn't excited or happy, she had something bordering her and I didn't want anything bordering her.

She meant a lot to me, she was so special to me, she was my everything and seeing her like this made me so worried, she kept looking at me, she opened her mouth, and no sound came out, she wanted to say something, but she couldn't.

If I didn't confront her or made her know that I knew something was eating her up, she would've been upset on her own and I didn't want that, same way I would have or love to depend on her when I had something bordering me, or I was worried, I also wanted her to feel that way, that's why I couldn't help but panic when she couldn't tell me what the problem was.

I suspected that it was related to the memories she just got, but I didn't know anything about it and I wanted her telling me herself.

"Please tell me sweetheart, I just want to know what's wrong?" I pressed again, and she nodded cleaning her eyes completely and I smiled, I was happy she was ready to say something, I hoped she has the courage, it would make whatever it is to reduce.

"Okay, I will, you don't have to worry too much, I'm sure I can talk now." I replied.

"Okay, so in my memories, I got all of them back." She said and I nodded.

"I figured." I replied.

"So the diary made me get my memories back, and my memories were something I didn't know I could do." She said searching my eyes, and I held her gaze unwavering, I knew she wanted to see if I would judge her or make her stop, but I didn't, so she smiled tugging the green coloured sweater she wore.

"So what did you see in your memories?" I asked, I feel like I would know, and she would say it immediately if I asked her.

"I saw how much of a selfish person I am." She replied shaking a little, I brought her closer to me and she smiled, I know she wanted to sit far and collect herself before speaking, but I also know that she needed comfort, so I gave her comfort.

"Why do you think you're a selfish person?, what did you see?" I asked, though I tried not to press her like a bulldozer crushing the ground for questions, I still did that, I actually pressed her for it, and when she looked up at me, I felt really bad, I had did the one thing I promised to myself I won't do, so I sighed a little, willing myself to not ask questions that'll make her feel irritated, I promise to not ask too much questions if I eventually have questions to ask, and I willed myself to listen to her speak first.

She collected herself, smiling at me, "I remembered everything like I said," she paused searching my face and I nodded, she nodded back, "and I remember being the cause of it all." She added and I smiled wiling her to continue.

I wanted to ask why she thought she was the cause of it all, but I decided not to, it was better to just let her finish like I willed myself to, so I grabbed her hands twirling her fingers with mine.

"I remember doing everything my parents warned me to not do, I remember even making my brother get in trouble for defending me, and I kept going out even when I was warned, when it was for my own good," she said shaking her head, "nah it wasn't just for my own good, the instruction was for the good of the family, and I didn't keep to it, because I was too selfish, all I did was something that would benefit me, I didn't even sit and think about the repercussions, all I thought about was how I would do the things I wanted, play where I was told to not play, go where I was told to not go, and most importantly leave the house when it wasn't safe to leave the house, and I didn't just leave the house once or twice, I left the house consecutively, I could even remember times which I didn't write in my diary that I left the house, I did everything on impulse," she said than she shook her head, "nah it was more than doing everything on impulse, I did everything for me, I know what people say about loving yourself, but I didn't just love myself, because if I did I would've valued the fact that my parents and sibling cared for me, that's why they wanted me out of harm's way, but no I didn't care, I was just a selfish brat who only thought about what she would do, I put them all in trouble, I was the reason everything happened." She said sniffling and I held on to her hands rubbing them, smiling at her.

"I went out, and because of that, I made the blood witch target me, and when I even had the chance to escape, I decided I was right than everyone, I went into my dad's study and took his book of druid magic and I practiced, I didn't even tell anyone, even my brother who was looking out for me and not telling my parents what I was up to, I left alone, purposely called the witch, feeling I was too smart, and when she came, I made her see how great my power was and then I ran, after feeling myself, thinking I was so good, I was better, I still ran away, and I brought her and the other witches to my family causing us to split, we had to he hidden and my parents had to stay away from us because I did all that, and I had to be sent to human parents, and I feel like them not finding me was not punishment for me, I feel like I should get more, and I feel like they were better off without seeing me or knowing I existed again, I'm sure they could do well without me." She said while shaking this time, I realized how much this guilt was eating her up, it was scary.

"And that's why I hid from them, I couldn't even face them after getting my memories," she said and I raised my brows in question, "I only came downstairs because I heard your voice, I've been hiding from them till you came back." She said and I understood why her parents were surprised to see her down when she came to see me.

I understood how she felt, I even understand why she told me that my father was looking out for me, and she was right about that, I understood her guilt very well, I knew how I was, how I could easily do things to the detriment of others, and not think about anything at all, but I grew learning my mistake which I let guilt ruin me at first making me think that I wasn't worth it, or I shouldn't even exist for the things I did, so I knew how much her guilt had her overthinking, and how much it was going to hurt her if she didn't stop it.

"Listen to me," I said and she looked up to me.

"There's nothing I'll tell you that will change how you feel, your feelings are valid, and I know you feel very guilty, that's why you're thinking of all of these, but there's one thing you should know, " I paused and she stared at me, "when you're berating yourself, don't forget that when this happened you weren't an adult, you were just a kid who wanted to have fun, and you didn't know the repercussions of anything you did, all you did was what fascinated you and that's okay," I said and she nodded, "but now you've grown up to read it, you've know how childish you were as a child and you're feeling guilty and that's okay, but don't let your guilt make you believe things that aren't true, don't let it poison yourself and your thoughts." I said and she stared at me with eyes full of tears.