But why?
It's not everyday a young man has a naked catgirl resting on his lap, but Ren doesn't seem to care.
"Haha. This isn't real, this is all in my head...For fucks sake am I schizophrenic or something?"
Ren smiles madly at the catgirl named Touka.
Though she also seems confused by this bastards expression. Her face turns red, as the man's expression feels as if it's violating her.
"Do I need to go get some meds to make you disappear?"
"EHH? Mister wants to make me dissapear?"
"Well of course, for 1 cat girls don't exist and 2 I knew I was gonna reach a breaking point eventually."
Ren pushes his supposed schizo fever partner off himself, shoving her down onto the bed, making her blush grow.
"Mister what are you going to do to me? Nya?"
Ren smiles madly.
"I'm going to sacrifice you to the blood god!"
Touka rears back in fear, cramping her body against the wall.
"AHH STAY AWAY FROM ME MISTER!"
Ren approaches her menacingly with a ball point pen.
"AHHH, ahem, NYAAAAA!"
The pen travels towards her eye socket in a perfectly aimed strike.
But a sudden force stops his hand.
"Ah, so this is real. My coward brain would never let me harm a part of myself. All though it's still strange."
Ren rears the pen back and clicks it shut, going ahead and clipping it to his shirt.
"YOU BASTARD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, PIECE OF SHIT MISTER!"
Touka continues her rant,
"YOU ARENT THE LEAST BIT SURPRISED OR CONCERNED YOUR CAT IS A (Beatiful) CAT GIRL!?"
Ren touches a finger to his chin and thinks.
'I mean I saw a fat kid eat cheese off a patch of raw sewage before'
He simply replies
"Heh, No."
Touka looks disgruntled at this prick who she has to deal with.
"Where are your clothes miss. Uh. damn uh. Tunka?"
"ITS TOUKA YOU BASTARD AND-"
"MY CLOTHES?!?!"
Touka screams and covers her private bits, Ren thinks she is pretty stupid for just now realizing her flesh was exposed to the world.
"Here."
Ren slaps some old Jean's and a tshirt of his mom's across her face, don't ask why they are in his room.
"Ah. Thanks...Nya"
"Why do you keep saying Nya?"
"Eh, it's a thing that just naturally happens.....nya."
'This girl is very fucking dumb, and has some weird type of cat tourette's syndrome.'
Touka pulls the jeans on, while making Ren cover his eyes even though she was just straddling him like a Papa New Guinea hooker a couple minutes ago.
"So, what's the deal with the cat thing?"
Ren sits down and pulls out a notebook and pen, mimicking a psychologist.
"Erm, it happens that your apartment complex Is directly ontop of the energy mass of something very special, and unfortunately as you are the most fit candidate I have to..help you...Nya."
Ren pushes glasses up and continues writing.
'At least 10 more nyas and my mental state will break'
"So, what's the energy all about then?"
Touka sighs and pulls her hair together, pushing it back off her shoulders.
"Its a dungeon, or specifically the only dungeon in this continent, and you can explore it if you like and I will be your guide."
"K, but why though?"
"Well, it started 10,000 years ago when the last dragons were slain and so their last curse upon the earth were these dungeons."
"Ok, the dragons seem pretty retarded as these dungeons have yet to effect modern society."
Touka purses her lips and thinks of something to say in reply.
'Wait, thinking about it those ancient dragon from the stories are actually really stupid'
Touka thinks before responding.
"Well I guess it's more of a misplaced gift but anyhow, I was trained as a dungeon maid to help you in you ventures. Checking your status, guiding you to the good skills and what fits you and all that."
"Wait so the dungeon works like a video game?"
"Uh, it adapts to it's time but yeah."
"But why would I risk my life for something that wouldn't help me in real life."
"You can get super strength or learn magic, that seems like helping."
"Tsk, Tsk. Touka-chan. I have everything I want, a fliphone and a crumpled can of sprite."
Touka clutches her fists angrily.
"You can make Yen by completing quests."
"Why didn't you start with that?!?!"
Ren stands up and slaps the notebook down, revealing scribbles about nya, and a stick cat drawing wearing a maid dress.
"I NEED THE MONEY FOR MY WORDLY PLEASURES!"
Ren laughs maniacally, Touka smiles, like a gluttonous piggy.
'Out of all the things this emotionless badtard is attached to. Fucking money.'
"When can I start Touka? Is it hourly wage or salary?"
"You have to complete quests. Then rewards will be decided by the eternal energy that controls the dungeon, I just call it the DM though."
"Well this is great and all Touka but I have school, so this is going to have to wait until the weekend."
Toukas jaw drops, nearly to the floor.
"You really just learned all this but don't want to start right away?!?!"
"Nah. I need my beauty sleep Touka-chan, you can sleep under my bed or something I guess."
Touka grits her teeth and in a poof she returns to tabby cat form.
'The elders told me that a Male candidate would immediately fall in love with me because of my beauty and make things easier as a guide, but I got this pretentious bastard who loves money and anime. What happened to love at first sight FOR FUCKS SAKE?!'
Touka crawls onto Rens chair and lays down, making the cat version of the pissed off expression.
Soon enough they both fall asleep.
----
As Rens mother lies passed out a breaking news story plays.
The young female reporter looks slightly mortified as she presents the new information.
"The notorious gangster known as 'mask' has been reportedly sighted In downtown Tokyo, leaving a trail of the corpses of career felons in his wake. We advise all citizens to remain in their homes after dark until this man is caught, if you have any information please reach out to authorities."
------
Ren lies snoring when suddenly he feels a tingling in his nose.
'I'm gonna get this bastard back'
Touka formulated a prank to pull on Ren that would surely make his teenage Male hormones spike.
She lies ontop of him, making sure her cleavage is in full view, she brings her mouth next to his.
"Wake up, master - nya."
Ren wakes up and deadpanned stares at Touka as if this is a daily occurrence.
"Get off of me you foul wench."
"KYAH!, ahem, NYAHH, Mister you are so mean to me!"
Touka pounds Rens chest in fury, she turns back into a cat and flops away.
"Have a nice day at school you bastard!"
Ren looks back at the cat and drops his pants.
"I need to get changed first."
If a cat could have a terrified expression, then this is it. She buries her eyes into her paws and meows loudly.
Ren changes into his school uniform and promptly leaves.
'That bastard really has no shame, he makes goblins look like saints!"
'I need to get him into the dungeon tonight, then his attitude would definitely change. Right?
I mean his expression never changes and his chin is always pointed up like he is challenging the world and his cute little glasses that he always tips up and - KYAHH WHY AM I THE ONE THAT HAS A CRUSH THIS IS FUCKING BLASPEHMOUS!'
Touka returns to her humanoid form and fans her tshirt, blushing heavily.
'This isn't right, Elder said most delvers are fat bastards turned hunks, but why is this kid already starting as an 8/10 and his emotionlesness makes me want him more, to see if I can make him feel something. Even though he's treated me like a encyclopedia I- I..I... FUCK STOP THINKING THIS WAY TOUKA, DONT FALL FOR AN EMOTIONLESS BASTARD!'
Touka slaps herself a couple times before searching for a hair tie, she finds one in a junk drawer , she puts most of her hair up and rests on the bed, twirling her fingers and trying not to think of Ren.
The door slowly creaks open, Touka jumps up
"Mister Ren!?"
Instead of Ren who she called for a broken looking middle aged woman stares back at her.
Touka turns into a cat and immediately hides under his bed.
Eto smiles and turns back.
"Hmph, for a moment I thought I saw a girlfriend of Rens, but it must just be my precious soju making me see things."
'Holy shit that was close, good thing this bastards mom has no cognitive function, what a tragic childhood. It must have shaped him to be so cold and menacing and sharp witted and OH MY GOD IM DOING IT AGAIN!'