1

It all started when our overrated adventurer, John butter man, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously displeased, John butter man poked a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he realized that his beloved Toaster was missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Smoking chicken. John butter man had known Smoking chicken for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Smoking chicken was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... stupid. John butter man called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Smoking chicken picked up to a very ecstatic John butter man. Smoking chicken calmly assured him that most venomous koalas sneeze before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually scandalously grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting John butter man. Why was Smoking chicken trying to distract John butter man? Because he had snuck out from John butter man's with the Toaster only five days prior. It was a saucy little Toaster... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before John butter man got back to the subject at hand: his Toaster. Smoking chicken turned red. Relunctantly, Smoking chicken invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Toaster. John butter man grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Smoking chicken realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Toaster and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if John butter man took the Jap Trap, he had take at least eight minutes before John butter man would get there. But if he took the Idiotic car 001? Then Smoking chicken would be exceedingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Smoking chicken was interrupted by eight dimwitted frogs that were lured by his Toaster. Smoking chicken grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he deftly reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and fearlessly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Idiotic car 001 rolling up. It was John butter man.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, John butter man was out of the Idiotic car 001 and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Smoking chicken's front door. Meanwhile inside, Smoking chicken was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Toaster into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Smoking chicken was displeased but at least the Toaster was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Smoking chicken exotically purred. With a inept push, John butter man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive noble genius in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Smoking chicken assured him. John butter man took a seat vaguely close to where Smoking chicken had hidden the Toaster. Smoking chicken panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But John butter man was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Smoking chicken noticed a dimwitted look on John butter man's face. John butter man slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Smoking chicken felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when John butter man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Toaster right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on John butter man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. John butter man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Smoking chicken could react, John butter man fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Toaster was plainly in view.

John butter man stared at Smoking chicken for what what must've been eight seconds. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Smoking chicken groped sassily in John butter man's direction, clearly desperate. John butter man grabbed the Toaster and bolted for the door. It was locked. Smoking chicken let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, John butter man,' he rebuked. Smoking chicken always had been a little dimwitted, so John butter man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Smoking chicken did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he gripped his Toaster tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Smoking chicken looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from John butter man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for John butter man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Smoking chicken walked over to the window and looked down. John butter man was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, John butter man was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Smoking chicken's place. John butter man had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral frogs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Toaster. One by one they latched on to John butter man. Already weakened from his injury, John butter man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of frogs running off with his Toaster.

About ten hours later, John butter man awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and John butter man did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting imaginery desert, John butter man was very lost. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he remembered that his Toaster was taken by the frogs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated frog emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha frog. John butter man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the frog sunk its teeth into John butter man's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from John butter man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than eleven miles away, Smoking chicken was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Toaster. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his taint. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about John butter man... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Toaster that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant frogs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(