Is This What Help Means...

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I didn't know how much time had passed. I didn't know where exactly I was right now. I didn't even know if I was still alive.

But yet, my body felt utterly drained. I was unable to move, and somehow knowing that, I realized I finally regained consciousness.

My eyes slowly fluttered open. There wasn't much light, so at least my eyes were not pained at all. I tried to move another part of my body, but nothing was willing to respond yet.

As my eyes slowly adjusted to the dimness, I saw the wooden ceiling above me. The planks looked rather sturdy, so at least I knew I was in someone's home. I was unable to recall what led me here, but I felt somewhat relieved to be in a warm place.

I tried to turn my head, but even that didn't respond to my mental impulses. I decided to gauge how the rest of my body fared.

There was no pain in much of my body. My right arm and left leg seemed totally fine. And my chest and torso were unharmed, just unable to move because I was still under quite a bit of grogginess and fatigue.

However, it was evident to me I was not entirely unscathed. My left arm down from my elbow felt as it had been torn and just been mended recently. My right thigh swelled up rather intensely, and I knew it would be a long while before I could genuinely walk well on it again.

Yet, my mind was unable to recall what exactly led me to my current predicament. As much as I kept straining myself to remember, not a single memory popped up. It was as if I had forgotten everything that had happened to me.

The last memory I remembered was spending time with Akane on the cliffside on the outskirts of Kolm. I knew I had fallen asleep after the lunch that she and I shared together, but for some reason, I didn't know precisely what happened after that.

Did I fall off that cliff and get swept somewhere far, far away? Who was taking care of me then? What exactly happened for me to even be here now?

As I struggled to discover any clues about my situation from my scattered thoughts, time seemed to stand still. Even though I had just woken up, it seemed my mind raced through everything I ever experienced. Yet, it seemed my efforts for some discovery were plainly futile.

Even though I flexed my mental muscles to the brink, feeling started to return to my chest, torso, and right arm, so I exerted more force in my attempts to move.

I felt joy when I was able to move my right arm. Although I was relaxed lying down, I wanted to have a better look at my surroundings, so I used my right arm to push myself up.

Even though it took some time, I succeeded in getting myself in a sitting position. Luckily, I had been lying on a bed, so it felt good that I had a headboard behind me to support my back.

I finally saw that the room was not as dim as I thought, but it was bright enough for me to see everything around me.

I took a closer look at my body and saw the sling on my left arm. No wonder I felt such pain from there a moment ago. The recovery itself wasn't going to be quick, so the sling acted as a precaution against any strenuous activity on the injured body part.

Using my right arm, I pulled up the blanket I was under and scanned my right leg. And true to what I felt earlier, my right thigh was heavily bandaged up.

I continued to take in my surroundings, and the walls to the room were also made of the same sturdy material as the ceiling. The owner must've cared much for this home, as the condition still seemed so pristine.

I tried to move my right arm some more, but accidentally hit the side of a nightstand to my right a little too aggressively. I heard a welp from the other side of the room, where an old woman sat in a chair next to a small wooden table.

I hadn't really noticed the woman before, but my mind had still been quite groggy, so I didn't find it so surprising there could've been another person in the room the whole time. And with how quiet she had been resting, that was another excuse I didn't realize she was there before.

The woman yawned and wiped her eyes. She then locked her eyes on me, confirming if I was truly alive or just a haunting spirit. Although I didn't say a word, she came to her own conclusion that I had just regained consciousness.

"Oh, my goodness! I was so worried you'd never wake up!" Getting up from her seat, the woman sighed in relief and started to walk to my bed.

As the woman made her way towards me, a flash seared into my mind. Everything felt hazy at that moment, and I tried as desperately as I could to fling onto any coherent thought.

It felt as if the flashes kept pounding into my brain. Three particular images cycled over and over in my memories. Three girls lying on the ground, blood sprayed all over them. I was unable to see the faces, but the clothes they were wearing… the hair flowing down to their bodies the way it did… the unsettling feelings from seeing these girls…

Hopelessness… desperation… heartbreak… agony… these girls must've meant something to me… and if they are all dead…

And with this woman approaching me… I don't want to be attached to her… If she's going to just end the same as those other girls, then, please… get away from me…

I'm not worth your sympathy… I'm not worth your kindness… I don't want to be this hurt ever again… Please just stop, woman!

As my thoughts continued to spiral out of control, I sensed the woman trying to touch my right hand, but I immediately wiped her hand away.

"But," the woman responded meekly. "I just want to help you."

Help… that's the reason I lost those girls, isn't it? Because I helped them… because I wanted to do what I thought was best for them… because I wanted them to appreciate me for being a nice person…

And what did that get me? Seeing those girls die right in front of my eyes? Why does the sight of their deaths agonize me so much?

Because I helped them… and then I cared for them… and then I was unable to do anything for them in the end…

So, what is the point of helping anyone, then? If it just leads to all this sadness, then I'd rather not help anyone at all ever again…

And for that matter, I don't need this woman's help either… Else I feel compassion to this woman and then lose her to a tragic death too…

Resolved to ignore the old woman, I gazed off in the other direction away from her. I sensed she wasn't going to give up, so she continued to shake my hand, pleading with me to respond.

"Hey, hey… why won't you say something? I know you're probably still fatigued, but I can tell you regained some of your senses. How can I help you if you're just ignoring me?"

There's that word again: help… Just get me away from me… my body will heal itself with rest, so there's nothing I want you to do for me…

If you're the one who bandaged my left arm and right leg, that's all I need from this point on…

As I kept talking with myself inside my head, the old woman shook my arm repeatedly, but I didn't relent. She even tried with her other hand, but as she was at an elderly age, her force diminished as her efforts continued in vain.

The woman eventually stopped moving her hands and laid them still on top of mine. She made one more attempt to force me to speak, but with a much more soothing tone. "… Young man, please… let me know what I can do for you…"

I was unsure if the woman intentionally avoided using the word "help." Still, the intent of her plea just now meant the exact same thing. And I wasn't flinching from the stance I had been taking this whole time.

I continued to stare at the ceiling away from the woman. She finally released my hand and said in a subdued tone, "… I'll just get you some food and drink, as you must be hungry..."

The woman began to walk away from the bed, and I decided to shift my eyes towards her. Her back was facing me, and she made no attempt to confirm if I decided to give her a chance.

As the woman exited the room and shut the door, she kept her gaze forward, not having bothered to see if I might've changed my mind.

Even if the woman did see me looking at her, I wasn't going to speak to her anyway. I consigned myself to silence when I knew her intentions, and there was no turning back from my convictions now.

Kolm may have been where I grew up, but the world was much crueler than I'd ever imagined. I had been such a fool for thinking Kolm was representative of everything out there, and I didn't want to pay the price for making such a mistake ever again.

I resolved further to take advantage of the woman until the point I was fully healed. I didn't view her charity as help; it was just an opportunity to use her until I no longer needed her and an end to a full recovery. Then I'd run away when she wouldn't notice my attempt and run away somewhere…

Maybe it was best if I returned to Kolm, to be completely ignorant again, and live my life in serenity and bliss there…

But yet, what still nagged me was, who were those girls in those flashes? Although I was unable to see their faces, they seemed so familiar… Else, why did I feel so much misery in their deaths?

As I wracked my brain more and more on those thoughts, I decided to look down at the nightstand to my left, and what I saw on there nearly forced me to collapse to the floor…