02. *tired sigh* life

I took my life, jumped in front of whatever car passed by. Does it sound bad that I knew how I would die. Been doing it since I was 6.

It doesn't make it any better I was a bastard. My father not wanting me and claiming I wasn't his son. Doesn't matter he was never there. Just fucked my birth giver and decided to leave. My mother on the other hand, was shit. Claiming I was like him. I was supposed to be the golden child of the family being smart and all. But came out a disappointment. I don't see her as a mother. She just decided not to abort me and let other people take care of me friends of hers. till I was 3 and then poof. My grandmother took care of me it was good life with her call her mama. I only came back cause I was forgetting her, wished I did. My older sister took care of me when I went back.

I did a lot of things to make her look bad me so her attention was on me and not my sisters. I knew I just knew I didn't like her at all. I stab myself in the third grade to see what it felt like dying. Didn't do it again but lied I was fixing a Toy to get it off my back but her fault that she was there physically for my health body wise. School as long there was no bad behavior or bad grades she didn't care.

Worked to hard so much. But she wasn't my mother. There was one time I stole money from her cause I wanted something to show off against my bullies. To show I wasn't poor. Of course I have the money back because it didn't sit right with me on the same day. She found out and well decided to punish me in the middle of the night. Tried burning my hand I keep trying to push away so she didn't. I saw her eyes full of rage. My sisters and her boyfriend came to see myself bleeding from nose and screaming. The stove on and my mom pulling me.

Another when my depression was bad. I told her I felt like killing myself. No joke, told me do it in-front of my sisters and asked the younger one to bring a knife and rope. I felt empty why would she do that but then rage for asking my younger sister that I slap her and went to my room.

Told me I wasn't fully graduating middle school cause I fucked my grades. And went to tell my principal to send the diploma home I didn't deserve walking in the stage. She did it again when was almost failing high school. I barely passed but she disown me and I disown her. Tried to call me and demanded to give her tickets to see me graduate.

I love her so much she was my second mama. My ohana. We would binge watching lily and stitch. I was her stitch. Thou my mother decided to fuck it up by putting a lot of expectations and trauma. And kicked her out. Haven't heard of her since late sophomore year of high school. Then my mom proceeded to buy me car which surprised even more for my birthday but she told me I used your money to buy which made me fucking mad that was my college money. Got into two car accidents as a passenger told I could drive my car. She started to use for her work.

Let's not even start my junior year. So much friend drama. That I decided to say fuck it they are my friends I had to help. Got broken up and then went into another relationship where she manipulated me and then kissed her ex. That I tried to help get out of. Then pandemic hit and had to deal with my mother more.

Failing classes again I just wasn't me. Told me to work with a fake social. Cause she didn't want me seeing in the house leeching and had to pay rent.

Got into a long distance but could hold it than 3 months my drama and trauma was too much on my consciousness I pushed her away.

So that where I am. I'm sorry Matthew, you as well jae. Fuck you sav and sorry as well. And forgive me Emma.

If I survive this. (Truck-kun incoming) give me amnesia.