Discovering the Truth about Oneself

Chapter 59: Discovering the Truth about Oneself

'Mh.'

Mercury could feel a lot from old Dreamweaver. There was bright happiness and trust, deeply rooted respect and thick understanding.

'Please then, doth not resist.'

And with those words, Mercury felt a slight pressure against his forehead. It wasn't string or painful, more like someone was pressing their thumb into it flatly.

Honestly, he didn't quite know what to do. He was told not to resist, but was he doing so right now? He was unsure.

'Young Cat?'

'Yeah?'

'You are resisting.'

'Really?'

'Mh.'

This was inconvenient.

Mercury took a deep breath for a moment. This felt a lot like a dentist's appointment. Fine, whatever. He just had to turn his brain off, then. He didn't have a forehead to press against here anyways.

For a second, the pressure felt like it was getting stronger, but after a couple moments, it vanished. There was a deep stillness in his mind for a moment, and then something seemed to move.

His body felt a little itchy everywhere, and he was suddenly very conscious of all his being, as something seemed to be pushing against it.

It felt like his mana veins were trying to expand in all directions, he felt crammed into his own body, like his skin was suffocating him. But he knew it wasn't just his body, there was something else there, too, something weird, foreign, somewhat scary.

'This will take only a moment,' old Dreamweaver spoke, and Mercury heard it resonate deep within himself. It was... weird. Uncomfortable, stuffy, but still manageable. Luckily.

Then, he felt that foreign presence wander further towards his head, and when it arrived there, he felt like his skull was confining him. Like he needed to break out of this shell. But also...

He saw glimpses. Tiny fragments of something so large, so ancient in front of him. It seems a connection always went two ways, and in this case, Mercury saw shards of what old Dreamweaver was. Tiny memories of battle, war, love, betrayal, and an ever growing urge to become greater, then a peak, and a slow decline.

Then, it was over, and Mercury was left with a feeling of both relief and... emptiness, though the first was certainly greater than the second. By quite a bit, too, but he couldn't quite shake the feeling that something was missing. That strange sensation of loss like when you finished your favourite story or book, and it leaves you with that signature hole-like feeling.

'Mh. It is a sad story indeed,' old Dreamweaver thought, still mulling over the smaller details.

'Yet so much of it is not spent here.'

'Have you seen those memories as well?'

'Indeed this one has, young one. But old Dreamweaver has seen such long ago. Young Cat is not a single chapter old, after all. How could thee?'

For a moment Mercury was tempted to see it as a slight jab, but he knew old Dreamweaver meant it with only the best of meanings. He knew because he read a hint of admiration in their thoughts.

'I suppose you're right.'

'Aneth'bar un ir zurs. Thank thee for thine trust,' old Dreamweaver thought, leaving a small silence. 'Perhaps this one should trust thee some more as well? Mh. Zurreth. A token given, a name.'

'Hm?' Mercury was confused. For the first time in a while, all he could read from old Dreamweaver was silent contemplation.

'This one has seen thy names, young one. It is only fit I return one. Uunrahzil, as I used to be known. It is the name I carried when teaching younger ones the way of the weave, and it is the name I would like you to use.'

'Aneth'bar, old Uunrahzil. You have seen my names, you said, thus maybe you know that this one prefers to be called by Mercury.'

'It is a good name, one as good as any other,' old Uunrahzil thought with a nod and Mercury could read again. An underglow of respect, combined with a touch of gladness and what felt like a cloud of somber memories.

'Is your story one I may be told sometime?' Mercury asked carefully, making sure to write his apprehension, and expectation of a conflicted answer.

'Maybe sometime, young Mercury, but not too soon. All in time. However, this one has noticed that thee seem to come here when seeking rest, is this correct?' Curiosity.

'It is. Dreams, to me, are things that occur during times of rest. Is this not how they are for you?' Mercury asked.

'Mh, not quite. The lo-pac, "dreams", as you call them, are something very important to my people. They doth be what we structure our lives around. It is where we work, weaving dreams to make the things we need, and to rest, we grow wa'hc. It is there then, that we doth rest, idly spinning our thoughts with no end or destination,' old Uunrahzil explained, perhaps the longest they had spoken for.

Mercury took a while, but he understood as he read. He could see how old Dreamweaver would work, literally spinning ideas, filling them up with such belief that they became real. Their people didn't mine for ores, or dig wells for water, they simply dragged it from their dreams to reality, and that was that.

He could also read some more. Uunrahzil's pride. Pride of their people, of their work, of their students. Pride to show off such an intrinsic part of what made them who they are, and a very deep, distinct feeling of how special it was to them to pass this art on.

And below even that, he could read a sort of sadness also associated with this, though he couldn't discern its origin.

'Young one, how did you dream?' It was a question on what he thought of it, Mercury knew that. Really, just what was dreaming to him?

Mercury thought that giving a mentor of his a half-hearted answer to a question, that was important to them, would be rude, so he took his time. He thought it over for a couple of minutes before he spoke.

'I used to think dreaming was nothing,' he said. 'Back when I worked long weeks, I was too exhausted to dream. I fell into bed, and woke up again, no pause in between. Even before that, as a child, I oftentimes had nightmares, so I was never fond of the night.'

Mercury paused again.

'Many people back where I came from thought that dreams had prophetic power, or that they were somehow linked to the future and magic. I didn't think so- I still don't think so. They weren't. They never would have been back then. They are a manifestation of one's subconscious, processing the experiences one has made on an unconscious, out of control level.'

He nodded, writing some thoughts together for old Uunrahzil. He wrote of fortune tellers and his dislike of them, of how dreams used to be linked to learning, and of how he never liked them because he was haunted at night. Then, he thought aloud again.

'But that was my old world, and this is another. Dreams are clearly different here. I still get nightmares occasionally, sure, but they are very distinctly different here. I don't forget about any of it. I have full control over myself. I think, that as I am right now, dreams are an opportunity for me to learn and grow.'

'I see,' Uunrahzil said, writing a slight sense of agreement, but not too much. 'I believe you are at the very least partially correct, though dreams hold more potential than simply learning.'

'With all due respect, I believe that the potential for learning encompasses most other things.'

'Indeed it does, yet learning is not all there is. Dreams offer you an opportunity to do that which you truly desire. They offer a chance not only to learn, but also to improve oneself, to practice many things. And you may not just train your mind, but yourself as a whole.'

'Pardon?'

For a moment old Dreamweaver wrote. It was a memory, a distant one, when in their sleep, they dreamt of water and dreamt it into their hands, where their body watered fields.

'That...'

'It makes no sense?' Uunrahzil asked, writing a slight smile. 'Perhaps to you it does not, yet to those who practice, it comes as naturally as breathing. What is it to move? What is it to think? To be, or to dream? Ta eyeun la lo-pac? Those are but the limits we impose on ourselves, are they not?'

Mercury didn't have a reply ready. Of course that wasn't just a limit one did to themselves? What kinda shit is that? To just casually walk and do farming while asleep? To summon water from nowhere?

'Mh, this one sees. Young cat, thee are limited by thine past imagination, are thee not? Of this... brain, as the sole mind that you are?'

'I've always been a realist,' Mercury said simply. 'There was nothing more than a brain, because nothing more was needed.'

'And now?' old Dreamweaver asked patiently, writing down a bit of glee. It was clear they enjoyed this, the process of making a new student understand.

'... It's difficult to accept.'

'It must be, certainly for a traveller such as you. And yet, you have grown used to magic so quickly?'

'I read about magic before, it was stories people liked to tell. Very common tropes, of fire and ice, earth and water, powerful magicians that would protect their lands as they studied the mysteries of the world,' he said, wearing a crooked smile. Some of those had even been army leaders in the kind of games he played.

'And?'

'And it was easy to make work. Magic behaves somewhat like I'd expect it to. The mana appears in the forms I am used to, as a gas and liquid, perhaps a solid sometimes too. The stamina as well, I can understand it. Heck, I can even imagine my Strength influencing my mass, if the muscles are temporarily stored in a parallel dimension when not in use, and their full mass can be summoned as only kinetic energy or also as pure weight.'

'Yet there is something different about dreams? The lo-pac?'

'I believe there is. I am used to them, have experienced them all my life, yet now they are so different.'

'Ah, it is a shift that gives you trouble then.'

Mercury paused for a moment. Yeah, that was exactly it.

'Then it will pass,' old Dreamweaver thought with a warm smile. 'We cannot control the passing of the seasons, and we cannot control our perception of what is true and what is not. We can try seeing different viewpoints, and shaping ourselves to understand, but it is work that takes time and effort.'

'... It is,' Mercury said, speaking from experience.

'Then you know it well already,' Dreamweaver thought, a hint of impression in their mind. 'Thee need but be patient, young Mercury. Understanding doth be yours already, you just have yet to ahn. Leyren.'

Patience. Leyren.

'Is that also a part of the journey?'

'Mh, it is.'

'Ah. I see now. Ihn'ar. This was all a lesson, was it not?'

'Perhaps. After all, dreams are an opportunity to learn,' old Dreamweaver said. 'But thee know my name now, and thee are mine student. It is only right that this one trikko sometimes.'

Mercury read, and saw that they were happy. It was true, existential elation, one only found when fulfilling one's inherent purpose.

Was there such a thing? Inherent purpose? A point to life? A reason, that everyone is born with? Is it a reason everyone has to find for themselves, or is the reason one we make up based on what is enjoyable?

Mercury sighed. He had found his answer long ago, yet he hadn't found his reason yet. Still, not even now he had found his reason.

He wanted to build a kingdom, but not to be a king. Not to have subjects, but to have comrades. He wanted to be strong and stand by the sides of others, yet he also wanted to know all about runes and magic and stamina. He wanted to see so many things, notice so many things, he wanted his friends back and he wanted to know why he was targeted, he wanted-

'Leyren, young one.'

'Ah, you are right, Uunrahzil. I-'

'Old Uunrahzil is fine.'

Mercury would have smirked if he could.

'Apologies, old Uunrahzil. I get lost in thought sometimes.'

'You dream inside your dreams?'

'I suppose so,' Mercury said with a smile. 'If daydreaming counts as dreaming inside a dream, then I suppose I do.'

'Daydream... the word is unfamiliar.'

'Ah, apologies. Cereth'bar,' Mercury said. 'It is... to let ones thoughts drift, to hop from one idea to another, to simply flow. It is sometimes helpful to fall asleep or pass the time, and sometimes it happens unwillingly and keeps you awake at night. But to daydream... it is usually when we are awake, yet want to escape.'

'This old one sees. To daydream, it is like ihn'ar.'

'What?' Mercury asked, confused. 'No, no, not quite. Ihn'ar is to focus, to understand. Daydreaming is to twiddle your thumbs, to pass the time, to simply be and not see. It can take you somewhere else, a place vibrant with thoughts, sometimes so far away you won't hear or see anything outside.'

'Cereth'bar, young Mercury. This one meant no offense. So, you say then that daydreaming is... a pastime, perhaps, rather than an exercise of the mind?'

'Yes, much more so. Ihn'ar... patience, you said.'

'This one did,' old Uunrahzil nodded slowly. He wrote a little about ihn'ar again. Core, truth, thought, locked behind a gate of doubt and distraction. It took patience to catch glimpses of the core, and focus to remove the distraction.

The focus was the oil on the hinges, the patience the key, and breath, or more closely, meditation was how you opened the door. To find behind it yourself again, to understand more clearly what things mean.

The first gate was breath for many, a gate for practice. The second was soul.

Soul?

'Old one, are there souls?'

'Souls? Again, an unfamiliar word,' Uunrahzil said slowly, thinking on what it meant. Instead of answering Mercury simply wrote.

The tiny blobs of essence, linked through fate as many understood them. Those esoterical little blobs of energy that dictated life according to some, and the very thing that it meant to be human.

'Hm? Not as such. But when you wake up after dreaming, do you not feel rested?'

'I do.'

'And the electricity from your "brain", would it be enough to move the mana outside of you that you cannot reach?'

'It would not, I believe.'

'Then, if you wake up with your thinking sponge rested, and you use your mind to move mana, although the brain could not do it, what allows you this? What do this body and your previous one share?'

'The mind?'

'Then call it as such,' old Dreamweaver said with a stern nod. 'It is but a description of what makes you who you are. Perhaps this used to simply be your brain, however, for other things it is not. My people do not need a brain, or a body, to live. We can be, simply because we know to. Because our mind allows us to.'

'But isn't there a law of energy conservation...?'

'A law of what? You speak in riddles, young one. And this one had thought they had heard many things.' Mercury could tell that Uunrahzil was clearly shaking their head. 'No, young one, there is no such law here. "Energy" can come from the mind, or from the heart, or from the system, or from the dream. From within, and outside, and from nowhere at all.'

Well, shit, no more laws then.

'What about entropy?'

'What is this "entropy" thee speak of?'

'Scratch it. I always confuse that one and the energy conservation one.'

'It seems thee are obsessed with such small laws, young one,' Uunrahzil spoke, some amusement in their voice. 'It is indeed so, but sometimes, it is better to simply let the mind explore, rather than attempting to nail everything down onto laws and sentences. Perhaps there is more to this world than just that?'

'I have to disagree,' Mercury thought. 'If it cannot be put into a law, then it is not a concept one can understand. If one cannot understand it, one cannot utilize or perceive it, and thus, it must not exist.'

'That is an interesting point of view.'

'It is my personal belief, that everything that is can be perceived, or rather measured. If it can be measured, it must be definitive, and if it is definitive, then you can draw conclusion, and state laws,' Mercury thought. He had been into science, and even considered it for his major, before college got a little too frustrating and he dropped out.

'And thus, it is my belief, that all things can somehow be explained and put into laws. It is a... bridge, of a kind, that I use, to make reality seem more feasible to me. If I cannot explain it, that matters little, but if no one can measure, perceive, or explain it, is it truly relevant to our existence?'

Old Dreamweaver paused again. They hadn't met many travellers, yet this one was quite different from the few they had met before. Perhaps he was comparable to another, but why draw comparisons, when Mercury was simply who he was?

'You put much thought into many things, young one,' they finally said. 'It is deserving of mine utmost respect. The pursuit of knowledge and explanation is a noble one, especially if it is passed down to the worthy ones. If I may ask, why do you perceive reality as such?'

'I don't know. It has simply always been that way. All that is, is, and all that isn't, isn't. These dreams, for example. Couldn't have happened back in my world, never, but now they are happening, and so I want to know what makes them tick.'

'In a sense, it is an inherent curiosity, a desire to learn all the things you can about the world we live in?'

'Yes, I suppose so,' Mercury nodded. 'Back in my older days, the world was grey and dull, there was no time to learn about it, so I could never focus on it, but now that I have my own time, my own pace, I wish to understand so much.'

It was true. Whenever Mercury thought about magic, he wanted to know how it worked, how to really do it. He wasn't interested in some cheap tricks, where he simply activated a Skill and threw a fireball, that wasn't interesting. Sure, handy, but just not his style.

He really wanted to know what mana could do, find out what limits it had and how he could influence it. Just how far could the power of his mind take him? Just what was the very limit of this world? Why was he dreaming like this, how did the people of old Dreamweaver conjure objects from their dreams, how did the runes really work, and could he maybe develop new ones?

And, at the end of it all, could he bring back those he had lost?

'Ah, this one has caught a glimpse. You seek knowledge not simply for the sake of knowledge, but to keep that which you have, and to regain what you have lost,' they spoke, blatantly.

'Yes,' Mercury thought back without hesitation. 'I do not crave revenge yet. I want an explanation. Why was that which I held dear taken? Can I take it back? Yet, still, that is but one of the things I want to know, and many of them simply stem from who I am.'

'Well, young Mercury. It seems as though this old one still could trikko a little.'

'Hm?'

'Thee hath ahn something now. Ihn'ar, a truth, a core, a gate to oneself. A small piece of yourself, one of your origins, uncovered. Curiosity.'

Mercury paused at their words, and when he paused, he could feel a hidden, yet brightly radiant pride from Uunrahzil. A pride brighter than that they had shown about their entire race, a pride brighter than what they had felt about their old students. It was a clear, sunny, golden pride that showed what they wanted.

And Mercury knew.

'Yes,' he said. 'I suppose I really am curious.'