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Mercenary Startup

War
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Synopsis

After learning about his father past, Maddoxx decided to follow its steps and train to become a mercenary. A old friend of his father send him to a place where he will learn everything he needs to surpass his dad With the help of his crazy and weird friends he met in the training, he creates a Mercenary Group. Other than just doing its mission, Madd and his crew mess around a lot and create a lot of enemies all along the way.

Chapter 1Chapter 1- A great surprise

Somewhere in England

*Beep*

The cellphone alarm rang.

*Beep*

*Beep*

"Hmm.. fuck off". Said Maddoxx throwing a shoe at the cellphone.

*Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

" Ahhhhh, this noise is making me crazy." Said Maddoxx while reaching the cellphone from the bed.

He unlocked the phone and turned the alarm off, when a message popped up.

- Transaction complete.

Your account balance is Eight hundred ninety million dollars -

"...."

"...Hehe" thought Madd while making a smug face.

Maddoxx was a tall, black-haired man. He never worked out but he had a few muscles because he followed a healthy diet and did some everyday chores. His eyes were green and he was very charming.

He lived alone since both of his parents died. His dad died in an airplane accident when he was twelve, and his mother died recently after losing a battle against cancer.

The house which he lives was a two-story house, the place was a nice and cozy. The house was often empty because only Madd lived there, but when he was there, he only stayed in a few rooms. The place he liked the most was the living room. With a fireplace adjacent to the wall and two big chairs, the room often brings flashbacks from his childhood and parents.

He wasn't rich, yet he didn't lack money. Since when he was a kid, both Madd and his parents owned a bakery in downtown London, the place was called 'Noble Heart'. The bakery employees were working there since the opening, and they were responsible for running the place since Madd mother became sick. Madd was just the owner of the place, all the profit was monthly given to him, and the bills and expenses were paid by automatic debit.

Sometimes Madd went there just to talk with the employees or even the customers, but he didn't need to work or had any commitment during his day.

After having breakfast, Madd called a taxi and started his short trip to the bank.

He had an account in the Golden Bank, the biggest bank in all UK.

After a few minutes, the taxi arrived at his destination: the main square. After paying the taxi and crossing the street, Madd went to the tallest building in the square which was his bank.

His account was originally owned by his father, and then passed on to him. For this reason he was well known by the bank employees. At the entrance, both guards make a small tip with their caps.

It was almost midday so the queue was very long. Passed just a few minutes before his name was called to the counter.

"Good morning and welcome to Golden Bank Sir. I'm Jessica at your disposal."

Said the attendant. She was a tall redhead woman, her long hair was loose and she was wearing a black short skirt and a white blouse, perfectly combined with high heels. She was worthy of the title 'Gentlewoman'

"Jessica, its always a pleasure to see you." Said Madd while smiling widely

"You are beautiful. Even though my last memory of seeing you was different. At the time we were both naked."

Jessica blushed and even lost her breath. After a few silent and awkward moments, she snapped out from her thoughts and said in a low voice. "Please Madd, not here. I'm working. Don't embarrass me in public."

At this moment Madd looked around and realized that all the attendants were looking at her and whispering. "I... I'm sorry Jessica... I didn't want to....It's just that you really mean a lot to me. "

Maddoxx was even more embarrassed than Jessica. Trying to solve the problem he started to mutter to himself incomprehensible words.

"It's fine Madd. Just forget about it. What brings you here?" Jessica said with a little smile

"Can you check my account balance please? I think its something wrong. "

"Sure, give me a momen...." Jessica froze while looking at the computer screen.

"Jessica?" Madd said with a worried voice

"Jessica are you okay?

" Pl.... please.... follow me... to the VIP room...Sir" Said Jessica with a trembling and robotic voice.

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Kasuma · War
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Chryiss
ChryissLv5

This is only a review on eight somewhat short chapters, but the story is well on its way to the main section (from the synopsis anyway) to the forming and fighting of Maddoxx’s squad. The writing is pretty average, it’s neither terrible nor great. There are a few missed capitalizations, but other than that, sentences are structurally correct. For details on the settings or mood, it’s mostly sound effects that are employed, so other forms of showing the story rather than telling could be added. Story-wise, the plot is understandable, but it has a few gaps that might be filled in later such as why Mr. Golden has a specific interest in making Maddoxx into a man and whether he’s done this before in some kind of program rich men like to pass the days doing; why Dimitri is in the cell/how he got there, if there are any other prisoners undergoing the same thing as Maddoxx if not, why single him out for torture; why the Russian mafia is breaking in and the possible connection to Dimitri. The torturing is somewhat reminiscent of Tokyo Ghoul. The character development from the torture could be a little more dramatically and believably done. Or perhaps added to that, more backstory and fleshing out of the MC. To simply say he’s an average dude with no dreams isn’t enough. Everyone has some kind of wish if not a dream, or some desire or hope. If he’s really so apathetic, then there should be some reason or experience that makes him that way. Or with the torturing, build up that madness and growth bit by bit. Dimitri at this point is better fleshed out/original than the MC. The defining reason why is his swallowing of the “gum.” I can definitely see this becoming a good story once the plot gaps, descriptions, and character development improves/get filled in. It’s just a few steps away, but nice work so far!

Take_the_Moon
Take_the_MoonLv5

Positive points: Your grammar is good and the sounds of objects breaking or even the sound of the clock is an interesting point in your narrative form. Negative points: The chapters are very short; The story is very fast; It's lack consistency in the narration; The main character, so far, has no depth and no interesting personality; his friendship with Dimitri is strange; and Mr. Golden must die (yes, I hate characters who are mysterious to cause suffering in MC). General Rating: You should pay more attention to the consistency of your story, for example, in the first and second chapter in which you present the main character is not satisfactory, the main character is an empty person, very unreal, being very difficult as a reader identify with this type of character. And the conversation between MC and Mr. Golden is annoying and unreal, I wanted to kill MC in that moment. From what I understand, you're creating a story where MC is an innocent fool to become a powerful and ruthless "man." However, I thought you could work more on the personality of the MC before training, showing a little of your day-to-day and prolonging the training time a bit more. In this case as you have already published the chapters, I make a suggestion, put flash back on the past of the MC, as he was an innocent fool or a fool easily fooled, also help some flash backs training, like a scavenger hunt or even an enemy made in this prison. Another point is that you should better develop the world of your history, for there is nothing to be able to identify in what year the story goes, what are the political powers of this world, what kind of firepower does this The world has, what the geography of the world today ... That kind of thing. I know it's your first story, but I was honest because when I wrote my first story I had no review that put these types of reviews for me, so the story became so chaotic and terrible that I deleted all chapters to reform this story someday. Do not be angry with me for the Review, I'm just being honest, you can even disregard my opinion if you want.

Asphant
AsphantLv4

Alright, let me start off with some deserved praise. The story is good, I almost got hooked to it. The plot is heading in a very interesting way, and you did a good job building a not-so-cliche background of the protagonist/s. The pacing is good, each chapter gets you somewhere. The humor in this novel is also just right beside my taste. HOWEVER, the character design is too forced, the way they converse is too robotic and stiff. They have no feelings at all, the mc can even be considered as a repugnant douche with how he deals with things, although I don't particularly hate that kind of mc. The world building is too poor. The details are absolutely non-existent. Up until now, I have no idea what the mc looks like, that Jessica girl, and that Golden boy. Like, they just exist there, they do not have a single spoon of appearance or expression. And to top it all, the grammar is not even on an average level. There are too many newbie mistakes even in the synopsis itself. Let's take the scene where Jessica was being dramatic in front of the mc: "In the first moment she tried to resist, and even landed a few punches and slaps in his body. But after seeing that struggling was futile, she just accepted the facts and enjoyed the moment." How the f*ck can you punch and slap 'IN' someone's body. Using a little common sense would surely fix that problem, but that's not the point. Anyway, that's it for my review. IMPORTANT TO TAKE NOTE, I have no grudges with you and I don't hate your novel or whatsoever. I came here to review, not to kiss someone's ass despite their faults. Good job so far on your first novel. Keep writing and good luck.

alaaaaaaaaaa
alaaaaaaaaaaLv4

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