Chapter 15 - Hallucination

" How do you feel ?" asked Elvan, who took a place next to her in the kitchen, a cup filled with a cloudy liquid in his hand.

The young servant sank a little deeper into the wooden chair she was sitting on, her eyes turned to the ground and her hands clutching the fabric of her uniform, which was covered in dust on the knees.

It had already been a few minutes since Elvan had dragged her out of the matriarch's room, from which she had vehemently refused to leave. Now that she had been isolated and regained her composure, she could not help but feel particularly ashamed.

'I made a fool of myself.'

The butler was not offended by her silence and waited very quietly, handing her the little red tablet that was so familiar to her. She ingested it without further concern and closed her eyelids, feeling the pill slide down her throat before disappearing inside her.

[You're lying!] she remembered her shrill, scratchy voice.

The hazy memories she had left of that moment were disconcerting. She had completely lost control of her own body. The image that survived from her crisis was that of a hysterical woman in full delirium. To tell the truth, she didn't recognize herself at all in this woman that she had been for a moment.

This anger... This despair... Didn't seem to belong to her, to the point that she felt like she had been possessed for a short moment. She didn't know what could have caused such a reaction... She had no idea.

"Aina?" insisted Elvan, who was contemplating her, a complicated look on his face.

Remembering that he was there, she looked up at him and met his jade gaze, which depicted a certain worry mixed with sadness. Like every time she saw him, he helped her and cared about her, even though she was only his colleague and therefore no one of importance to him in the end. It was Elvan who had brought her back to her senses.

He had arrived without her realizing it and had prevented her from drowning in her grief and dismay.

'He always saves me.'

Every time she had broken down... Every time the demon that seemed to inhabit her had started to take over her reason, he was there, without her knowing how he had appeared here, like a guardian angel watching over her. So she couldn't ignore him again, even though she desperately wanted to remain silent.

"I…" she hesitated, her voice gravelly and scratchy from having shouted earlier. " I'm ok... I think."

Elvan didn't look convinced, either because she had already assured him of this a few hours earlier, or simply because of the trembling of her palms and the shifty look she wore in his presence.

The latter took her hands, as if to force her to concentrate on him. Now that he was here and she had taken her treatment, she felt better... More serene. She had the strange impression that the madness that had seized her a few minutes earlier was only a distant memory, or even a dream that had never happened. Elvan continued to watch her, occasionally biting his lip in embarrassment.

Aina curled up on herself, hoping to disappear into a mouse hole so as not to face the words of her interlocutor who – she was certain – was about to start a conversation, to which she had no desire to participate. She had made a spectacle of herself in front of her mistress by shouting and insulting her, which could have earned her a severe punishment for insulting a noblewoman.

She was particularly ashamed of the chaos she had created, not only because of her attitude towards Chagrin, but also because Elvan, whom she particularly respected, had probably seen her in complete madness, spread out on the bedroom floor. So she had no desire to go over the recent events with him, which were certainly going to bring her a whole lot of trouble.

" What happened ?" he finally asked after a moment, as if he had finally decided to break the silence after long consideration.

'What happened...'

She wasn't sure herself. She was usually measured and pragmatic and therefore far from the psychotic and paranoid woman she had been for a moment.

" I don't know" she replied with more honesty than she would have expected. "I suddenly became terribly angry and couldn't calm down."

The feelings that had crept into her had been unpredictable and violent like storm clouds in a summer sky, to the point that she was unable to control them. She had never felt such distress before. She had the impression of losing control, of no longer controlling her entire being and of remaining only a spectator of her own life. As if she were trapped in her own body.

The answer did not seem to satisfy his colleague, but he seemed to force himself to accept it, given the shrug he gave her.

"You know Lady Chagrin told me everything...? Don't you ?"

She raised her eyebrows, surprised.

"Really ?" she couldn't help but ask.

Aina did not know when the matriarch had called on Elvan and she did not believe she had heard them talking in the room, but she was forced to note that the man knew everything... That the slightest particle of their conversation had been reported to him. She didn't remember seeing the two of them conversing, but perhaps she had been too immersed in her anger or despair to even notice.

Elvan nodded, before settling into a chair opposite her, as if he intended to give her an interview.

"She told me about... Désespoir."

Aina noted Elvan's troubled expression when he said Désespoir's name, pausing before huffing it out as if he wasn't sure how it could be said.

" And so... ?" she ventured, slightly anxious to know what Elvan might think of her attitude and her words.

The man rubbed his chin, looking thoughtful, as she admired his elegant profile and the ripple of his slender, delicate fingers against his locks of hair.

"I think your… episodes are making you unstable." he began, quickly recovering himself when he saw the young woman's livid look. "...But I don't doubt your words. I'm sure you didn't invent all this, you..."

She squeezed her hands.

"You were just hallucinating."

Elvan's words fell on her like a death sentence. What she feared had happened and she fell into deep thought, troubled that what she feared had been confirmed to her.

"So... You don't know Désespoir?" ", she insisted, as if questioning him again would change his answer.

" ... I'm sorry."

'So he doesn't know Désespoir either...'

She realized this at the moment when confusion clouded her irises, but did not find herself particularly shaken by it. Not like before anyway. This all made no sense and she still didn't understand what was happening, but it didn't bother her much. She found herself thinking with ease and calm that perhaps she had simply panicked too quickly and that fatigue and fear of her unknown affliction could have caused such delirium. She, who had defended body and soul the veracity of her memories some time before, now seemed perfectly willing to admit that she was wrong and that Désespoir was probably only a figment of her imagination, as Elvan had said it.

It was slightly strange that she was so cooperative after her outburst, but the situation did not seem particularly alarming to her, so she capitulated to Elvan's arguments, who was not surprised beyond reason by the drastic changes in behavior of the young woman.

"Do you believe me ?" he questioned, moving close enough to her so that his warm breath tickled the bridge of her nose.

" Yes." she drawled back, before even realizing what she was saying. " I believe you."

Her mind was surprised for a few tiny seconds at giving up so quickly, but a wave of calm and appeasement immediately swept away all her questions and worries, making them nothing more than a distant memory. She immediately felt particularly serene.

She was void of any negative feelings, or even any emotion. She seemed to have regained her usual composure and even wondered how she could have lost the reigns of her mind a little earlier. Her crisis seemed to her to be nothing more than a distant memory, but she was unable to hide the attitude she had adopted in front of the matriarch and this fact made her stomach twist with stress. She had, after all, been particularly disrespectful towards Lady Chagrin, to the point of calling her a liar.

She never thought she could cross boundaries so much and especially against the wife. She had considered the possibility of this kind of reaction to someone like Envie, who belittled and abused her all day long, but not against Madame, who was as gentle as a lamb. She looked down, thinking of her mistress's saddened and livid expression, wondering how she could ever face her again.

'Madam must be angry.'

She was usually kind and compassionate, but Aina supposed that her mercy had probably reached its limits, given the situation. Perhaps the other members of the family had also witnessed her outburst? She didn't hope so, but she didn't see how her screams could have gone unnoticed between the empty walls of the mansion, which were still not that thick.

She was also surprised that Rage or Envie had not yet broken down the kitchen door to come and take her to the dungeon.

'I will probably lose my job.'

What would she do next? She who had no one and no memory except that of a traumatic event involving her parents, whose identity she did not know. Memoria Manor was, so to speak, her only home, her only respite.

"Madam is not angry." whispered Elvan, who seemed to read her thoughts.

She did not notice the talent of Elvan for telepathy, too busy imagining the punishment the patriarch would give her when he learned what had happened. She would surely be sent away, but perhaps he would first take her to the dungeon, to test his new torture utensils on her... She didn't like pain and didn't think she could resist the fury of Rage for very long, but she knew that she had crossed the line and that no person, no matter how competent, could have survived such a crime.

"Madam knows that it's not your fault, that you didn't want to hurt her."

Aina grimaced.

'Madam is too good.'

"I was terribly disrespectful, Elvan." she lamented, putting her head in her hands so as not to see him anymore.

She heard the man sigh, before the wood of his chair creaked, a sign that he was moving.

"The memories that came back to you shook you and your crises didn't help anything. It wasn't your fault Aina."

The memories that came back really did happen, I didn't hallucinate it...

She was relieved that it wasn't all a lie, that some things had actually happened and weren't just a figment of her imagination.

It was clear that her seizures had caused everything, but that didn't excuse everything. Whatever the reason, Aina had disrespected her mistress.

" I assure you. Mistress Chagrin said she would keep it a secret."

She was torn between relief and embarrassment, because as happy as she was not to lose her job, she couldn't just gloss over the recent events and serve the wife without saying anything more. She worried about tomorrow and her next meeting with Chagrin.

"You are a precious part of this house and she knows it."

'A precious element...'

She found it hard to believe it. She didn't feel particularly useful here, well... No more than the others. She had been there for a long time and did her best to serve the family and not just because she wanted to do her job well, but also because the Signavit were the ones who took her in, when she had no one. However, she did not see herself as particularly indispensable, not like Elvan for example.

"I'm just a servant."

She wasn't exactly feeling sorry for herself, just being realistic. She was, after all, not one to take credit when it was irrelevant.

"That's not true." interjected Elvan, who had gotten up to get some cake and tea from one of the kitchen cupboards. "You've been here for what... Three years, right?"

She nodded, remembering the first day she got here. It was raining heavily on the mansion, and she opened her eyes right at the bottom of the large willow tree, which was almost as old as the mountain itself, on which the mansion was built.

"You didn't remember anything when you arrived."

And she didn't have much more memories at the moment. That day she had seen Elvan for the first time, through his rain-soaked dark locks. She had been dazzled by his delicate and elegant face and by his clear eyes, which observed her. She remembered thinking that he was very handsome.

'And I still think that.'

She didn't necessarily have the heart for it with everything that was going on, but in other circumstances, she would surely have appreciated the kindness and attention of Elvan, whom everyone in the mansion envied or loved.

"I wondered what a girl like you was doing sleeping under the willow tree." he breathed with a smile, his eyes lost in space as if he were remembering a funny memory. "You looked like you fell straight from the sky."

How could one not melt in front of this green look with golden reflections, which exuded tenderness and attention and this charming and slightly mischievous smile which only appeared on rare occasions?

"I didn't remember anything." she continued after him, seeing herself lying on the muddy ground, sheltered from the pouring rain.

Oh how confused and distraught she had been to know that she didn't remember anything, not even her first name. Elvan then took her in and took her inside the mansion where he fed, cleaned and cared for her, without even taking into account the fact that she was a young teenager, abandoned in the middle of a place that most people struggled to reach, even in the most favorable circumstances.

"You were particularly quiet, until I brought chocolate cookies." he laughed, his clear and magnetic eyes delicately arching into a narrow crescent moon, while his lips stretched into a tender smile, adorably framed by dimples.

Aina felt a gentle warmth spread to her cheeks and she noticed with surprise that she was embarrassed by his remark and his expression that she rarely saw. She had the impression that Elvan considered her like a little girl and this fact made her usually pale cheeks turn pink.

"I was just a child." she hastened to interject, her gaze shifting and her hands placed on her cheeks to hide her embarrassment.

Elvan remained silent for a few moments, looking at her enigmatically, his teasing look still on his face.

"You haven't changed much since then." he mocked gently, pointing at the cupcakes she was holding in her hand, without even noticing it.

She opened her lips in surprise, before lowering her head, like a child caught in the act after something stupid. She hadn't even noticed that her hands had found their way to the plate of cakes. She, who wanted to maintain a certain composure in front of Elvan, felt strangely ashamed of only managing to pass for a greedy little girl.

She couldn't explain why, but she didn't particularly want Elvan to think of her like that. She was slightly younger than him, she knew that, but she wanted him to see her as the woman she thought she was. The one who was his equal and the one she wanted to appear to be in front of him.

"I'm not a little girl anymore." she defended herself, embarrassed by her unconscious gesture.

As she pursed her lips, trying to regain her composure, she felt pressure on her cheek, accompanied by a gentle warmth and a slight tickle. Intrigued, she raised her head, before seeing Elvan's face, a few centimeters from hers. He had placed his left hand on the young woman's cheek and was staring at her in silence. She saw the small red mark that crossed the back of his hand. She was surprised by his proximity and parted her lips to question him about his gesture, before his eyes locked on her, with such intensity that she remained silent.

In that moment, time seemed to stand still. She saw nothing other than his straight, finely sculpted face and his magnetic gaze that never left her.

It was the first time he had observed her like this, with so much attention and she didn't know how to react to all of this. The feeling of his soft, warm skin against hers was slightly painful, to the point where she wanted to get away from it and yet much more addictive, almost making her press a little more against his palm.

"It's true…" he breathed without taking his eyes off her, looking almost feverish. "You are a woman now."

A shiver shook her at his words and she found herself staring attentively at each of his features, almost caressing him with her gaze. She paused a little on his full, pink lips, which she imagined pronouncing her name and surprised herself by hearing her heart beating loudly in her chest.

They were so close that she felt his breath and his fruity scent tickle her nostrils, almost intoxicating her with their sweetness. She felt caught up in his green irises, so much so that she didn't want to turn her attention away from him, and then, like a reminder of reality, a bell rang.

Aina jumped suddenly, before breaking contact between herself and Elvan, to return to the back of her chair. She found herself surprisingly out of breath and almost disappointed that this moment had been interrupted by the call of one of the family members . He didn't seem any more troubled than that and gave her a simple apologetic look, before removing the dust of his costume.

'What the hell was that?'

She avoided his gaze, far too embarrassed by what had just happened and by the thoughts she had. She had... Almost thought she felt things for Elvan that she had never felt before. This moment had been strange... Disturbing for her, but reality hit her in the face again. Elvan was her superior and the man who saved her. As kind and considerate as he was, it was not possible that he felt more than that towards her.

He was just caring and nice to everyone, even her.

'Don't have any hope.'

This moment that she had thought she shared with him was only a mirage, only a chimera produced by her most secret desires to be loved by someone, to have someone who mattered to her and to who she mattered. The attention he was giving her had gone to her head, because no one had ever behaved like that with her before.

"I'm sorry Aina..." he apologized above her, without her managing to meet his gaze.

He remained silent for a few moments, perhaps waiting for her to turn her attention to him again, before sighing. She heard his footsteps pass behind her and she thought he was going to leave the room without further words, before his palm rested delicately on her shoulder.

" ... I have to go." he breathed, like a whisper, before the broken contact of his hand against her left only a thick void.

She almost thought he lingered slightly on her, as if hesitating to leave the room, but changed her mind when she heard the door close behind him. Alone again and plunged into silence, the young servant raised her head and saw the empty chair on which he had sat.

She observed the still steaming tea on the table and the few crumbs that remained on the white porcelain plate. She also saw a small silk handkerchief placed near her and on which she noticed that the letter E. was embroidered in thick golden thread.

'Elvan.'

She only managed to let out a sarcastic laugh, in response to the pain that twisted her stomach, before pressing the fabric against her heart.

Clearly, Elvan was terribly considerate...

She closed her eyelids and leaned back against the backrest, sighing.

'And yet terribly hurtful.'