Inner thought

Warning: Hints of psychological effects/after effects of sexual assault

I am feeling tired and weak, and my legs are still numb. I felt fuzzy and thirsty. I could taste some salty liquid in my mouth and realized with a shock that it is blood from my hand. I suddenly felt cold near my genitals and realized that my trousers are not on. I felt naked and exposed. I tried to cover myself up with my uninjured hand, which Robbie noticed. He buttoned the overlong coat that he had placed over me, which fell till my knees, covering most of my bare skin. He carried me 'princess style' in his arms and walked out of the room.

Robbie didn't look at me with hatred or disgust... he told me that he loves me no matter what and said I am not dirty... but I was taken by that man... I even took him by mouth... suddenly the memory of it made me want to puke. I quickly placed my hand over my mouth, ending up in a fit of cough. I heard Robbie's concerned voice,

"Tony, what happened? Are you okay?"

I wanted to say 'Yes', but I felt nauseous. I nodded, trying not to vomit all over Robbie. He gently placed me down on one of the stairs and spoke in a tensed, hurried voice,

"Are you feeling suffocated? Do you want to vomit?"

I looked at Robbie. His eyes are round with worry. I shook my head but did not remove my hand from over my mouth. He patted my head gently and said lovingly,

"Don't worry! You can rest a little. I'll sit with you."

Robbie sat beside me and pulled me into a hug. My head rested on his chest, and I could hear his heart's rhythmic beat, which soothed me. I feel a bit calm. However, I feel too undeserving of this kindness. I am not the person he should pour his love over. That man filthied me. Just like broken crowns don't adorn a king's head, I am not fitting to be by Robbie's side. Unconsciously, I held onto Robbie's shirt as tears started spilling down my cheeks again. I wish... I wish I had understood my true feelings for Robbie a few days back, then I could have at least held him untainted!

"Do you feel better now?" Robbie asked softly, putting my hair behind my ears.

"Yeah," I answered hoarsely.

"Shall we go out then?" he asked, kissing my head.

The image of that man caressing my hair suddenly flashed in my mind, and unintentionally, I moved away. Robbie looked at me, surprised. I gasped as my eyes widened, and I wrapped my arms around myself as if I was feeling cold,

"S-sorry, I-I didn't-"

"It's okay, Tony. Don't worry, It's totally fine. Come, let's go out," he said, lifting me.

What do I do? Whatever happened seemed to have etched itself in my head. I can still feel and recall all the places that man touched. My hair, my face, my lips, my mouth, my neck, my back, my chest, my... out of nowhere, I am gripped by the strong desire to wash myself. Robbie shouldn't touch me when that man has defiled me. I must clean myself. I want to bathe myself off all that man's touches. Robbie noticed my restlessness and held me tightly.

"Hey, it's alright, calm down. We are almost outside," Robbie cooed near my ear, like a soft breeze.

Just as he said, I immediately breathed in the fresh night air. I can hear the loud sirens of the cop cars, and without even looking, I can feel the presence of several people. From somewhere nearby, I heard Fred's angry growl. It appears as if he is arguing with someone, but I can't be sure. Robbie didn't bother to stand or see; he quickly took me past them and placed me in the backseat of a car.

"Stay here for a while. I'll go talk with cops, okay?" Robbie said.

I wasn't listening. I was looking at myself. Whether I see my hands, palms, arms, thighs, or legs, it only reminds me of what happened. I closed my eyes and placed my hands on both sides of my face, almost speaking to myself,

"Robbie, I wanna take a bath. I-I have to take a bath," I breathed.

Robbie looked stumped, but then his face twisted in a strange, painful expression. He held my shoulder and made me look at him, speaking in a harsh yet constrained tone,

"Tony, Stop! Stop thinking you are dirty!" Robbie's eyes flashed with some complex emotion, which in my current state, I am not able to decipher, "You are NOT dirty! Do you get me? You are not at fault! Olsen is the dirty one! He is filthy! He is a sick lowly pervert... NOT YOU!"

"Bu-but Robbie, how will I face Tw-Twen like this? What will he think of me? He will be so ashamed of me-"

"Twen is our son, YOUR son, have faith in him. I am sure he will be just as furious at Olsen as I am. You did whatever you did for him. He will never blame you!" Robbie said sternly before his voice became mild, and spoke softly, "And frankly, he doesn't need to know. He is too young for this."

"I-I am scared to se-see hi-" I couldn't say it all before Robbie's lips covered mine.

My eyes widen as the horrible image of me taking Mr. Olsen by mouth flashed in my head, and I pushed him away, "NO, Robbie! I-I-"

Robbie didn't let me complete again and pulled me into a kiss. No amount of resistance budged him. He moved back only after kissing me properly and looked me deep into the eyes,

"I don't care what that bastard made you do. Nothing that bastard did can make me feel less for you. You will never be dirty in my eyes!