64- We'll Be Okay

"It's not fair..." Ryan sobbed. His ribs stabbed at him, not appreciating the sudden violent use.

Scott immediately set the bowl aside to start comforting him. "Ryan, I know it's not fair. I know this is hard on you."

Scott grabbed a tissue to wipe Ryan's face, resisting the urge to leak few tears himself. This was hard on him too. They would get through this, he just had to be strong. He had to be strong enough for the both of them.

"You don't know!" Ryan more yelled than cried, ignoring his sore ribs to vent his frustration. "I can't walk! I can't do anything for myself! I'm used to working, and now I'm stuck on the couch! I lost all my jobs! What am I supposed to do when you get tired of me? What am I supposed to do if you get angry with me? I can't even run away! It's just like last time, all over again!"

Scott stroked Ryan's hair. "What do you mean, 'last time?'" he asked softly. "Are you talking about your previous relationship?"

Ryan nodded, unable to get his breathing under control enough to answer. His chest hurt, and his nose was snotty, and he couldn't believe he really just yelled at Scott. He felt like shit.

"Shhh... Shhh..." Scott held a clean tissue under Ryan's nose. "Here, blow," he ordered.

Ryan had little choice but to comply. One more thing that was hard do for himself.

"Do you want to talk about it? About what happened with the person you dated before me?" Scott asked softly.

Ryan shook his head. His chest was gradually becoming too painful to keep up his sobbing. The tears continued to flow, but now his face was pinched for a different reason.

"Does your chest hurt?"

"Everything hurts... All the time... This sucks...!"

In that moment Scott regretted cutting back on Ryan's medicine dosage. He was supposed to help Ryan manage the pain, but he was too focused on getting Ryan to act like he normally did. It was selfish.

"I'm sorry, Hot Stuff." He gave Ryan a kiss on the forehead. "I'll get you an extra pain pill."

Scott grabbed the bottle from where it was sitting on the coffee table and fished two pills out of it, holding them out for Ryan to take. Ryan managed to pick them up and drop them in his mouth with an awkward movement. Ryan already had a drink on the table with a straw, so Scott helpfully held it out to him so he could finish talking the medicine.

"Ugh those things are gross" Ryan complained. He was still upset, he still hurt, but for now he just laid back against his pile of pillows, eyes shut tight as he willed the medicine to kick in soon, trying his hardest to get his breathing under control.

"You know you have to eat something with those or they'll upset your stomach."

"Do I really have to...?"

"Yes, you really have to." Scott retrieved the bowl of pudding. The whipped cream had deflated by now. "Will you let me help you?"

Ryan let out a whining sound as his emotions threatened to overtake him again, but he gave consent with a nod and a snotty nosed sniff. Scott helped him blow his nose again before he held the first small spoonful to Ryan's lips.

"The bits taste like a protein bar..." Ryan commented after a few bites.

"Because they are. Do you not like it?"

"It's okay..."

Scott did a little mental cheer when a fourth of the bowl was gone. Then one third. Ryan took his time eating, and called it quits after only eating half. It was better than nothing.

"Full already? Are you sure you can't eat any more?" Scott tried not to sound desperate, holding up another spoonful.

"No... I'm full. It was good though. You'll have to thank your mom for me." Ryan had calmed down a lot. The painkiller had started to take effect, which helped.

"Ryan, you know it's okay to rely on me, right? We're going to get through this together."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you... I didn't mean it..."

"Hey, no worries. I'm sure this is all very frustrating. You're right, I don't know how bad it is. I don't know what you're going through. But, if you talk to me and tell me what you need, I promise I'll do everything I can to make it as easy on you as possible."

"Sometimes I think maybe... just maybe, me dying... wouldn't have been a bad thing..."

Scott set the bowl on the coffee table with a resounding CLACK. "Don't say that. Don't you dare say that ever again."

"But it's not like I'm the only omega that ever existed... You could find someone else... Someone who doesn't have a crisis every time you turn around... I'm not worth it..."

"DON'T SAY THAT!" Scott shrieked, the stress of it all finally getting to him. "STOP TALKING LIKE THAT! This isn't easy on ME either, you know!"

Ryan stared in shock, petrified. He'd done it now. He'd really made Scott mad. There's no way he wasn't going to be punished this time. He knew he should try and get away, but somewhere deep down he knew he deserved whatever punishment was going to come. He deserved to have Scott scream at him, or beat him, or abandon him... It would only be right. His chest hurt, but in a different way than his broken ribs. It was an ache the pain killers couldn't touch. He deserved whatever was coming.

Scott let out the most fed-up, exasperated groan it was possible to make and slumped forward, burying his face against Ryan's shoulder. He needed to break too! It was exhausting trying to look strong all the time. He didn't want to cry. Not in front of Ryan. Especially not in front of Ryan. Not now. He was supposed to be strong! He tried fighting it, but his body wasn't listening. His shoulders shook, and he gripped Ryan's blanket as he unsuccessfully tried to keep his own tears from falling.

Ryan didn't know what to do. This was the last thing he expected. What was he supposed to do? He leaned his head against Scott's, and reached his left arm up to awkwardly rub at Scott's hair. Scott pressed his face in even harder. He didn't know why, but it made him feel better somehow. It wasn't that he was happy he upset him, but the fact that Scott got so upset over it without hurting him was comforting.

"I'm sorry," was all Ryan could think to say.

Scott didn't move, but he made a whining sound that didn't really sound like any kind of words, even if they were probably supposed to be.

"I've been having a lot of nightmares..." Ryan confessed after a while. "Maybe my head's just in a dark place... I'm sorry I said that. I promise I won't say it again."

Scott picked his head up with a sniff. His face was a mess, and his voice was thick. "You're having nightmares? About the accident?"

"Yeah... And... about other stuff... I don't think I've been sleeping well..."

Scott dried his blotchy face with a tissue and blew his nose. "Is it something I can help you with? Do you need to talk about it?"

"I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it..." Ryan didn't want to put any more stress on Scott than absolutely necessary, and it was very obvious now just how much stress Scott was under. "Maybe just... It might be nice if... I think... I need to be cuddled a little. We haven't cuddled at all since before the hospital... Maybe some of that, what was that word again... 'oxytocin' would help?"

"Yeah... I think I need some too."

Scott solemnly did a quick cleanup, covering Ryan's unfinished pudding and putting it back in the fridge, and turning off all the lights in the front room. If they were going to do this, they were going to do this right, damnit. With things set to rights, he scooped his fiance off the couch and carried him to the bedroom, laying him in the bed. He didn't have to worry about pulling down the covers. He hadn't bothered with making the bed since Ryan moved in. He helped Ryan tuck his teddy bear under his right arm to support the elbow cast a little and take some pressure off his chest. He wasn't going to bother with those bulky foam support pillows, they would make it hard to get to where he was needed, and needed to be most.

He slid into the bed next to Ryan, pulling the covers up over them before very carefully positioning himself so they had the most contact without putting Ryan in any discomfort. He wanted so badly to hold Ryan tight, but he knew he couldn't. Not for maybe another week or two. He needed this. He needed this so bad. He'd been so careful about trying not to hurt Ryan, that he ended up hurting him anyway.

"Is this okay? Are you comfortable?" Scott asked.

"As much as I can be." Ryan sighed wearily. "I missed this... I just... I'm sorry. I don't want to cause any more hassle than absolutely necessary..."

"Listen, your only job right now is to cause as much hassle as possible. It's my job to worry about you. It's okay if there's some things you don't want to talk about, I just want you to know I'm here for you. I don't care if there are other omegas out there. I don't want to go find anyone else. I love you, Ryan."

"I love you too."

"And you know, considering everything, some therapy might not be a bad idea. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I trust the psychologist that works in tandem with the clinic. I could see about getting you an appointment?"

Ryan didn't even hesitate. "That might be a good idea."

He'd been to therapy before. The city paid for a few sessions after the incident with his last partner. It was helpful, but not something he could afford on his own.

"In that case, I'll get in touch with her immediately. Right after we're done with this."

"So... How long are we going to cuddle for...?"

"For as long as it takes for both of us to get in a decent nap. I'll be right here in case those nightmares of yours come back. And maybe holding you will chase away some of mine…"

Scott snuggled in a little closer. This was progress, and he was counting it as a victory. Softly, he hummed twinkle twinkle little star as Ryan shifted slightly to get more comfortable. They were going to get through this.

Ryan let himself be carried off by the familiar melody. It seemed to be a favorite of Scott's, since he remembered him singing it the second time they met, when he insisted on giving Ryan the blood test, and when he had food poisoning... It really was a pretty melody... Maybe... maybe they'd get through this after all...