XVIII - Guilt or Love

Shinobu Naoyuki's POV

Kazuya and I are officially together since February 14 and it was our first month anniversary when Hisashi found out about it.

I was nervous that time and feel a little guilty for hiding this thing to my best friend so when he ran away, I tried to chase him and explain everything but he didn't even look back when I called his name and he didn't answer my calls and so I thought that our friendship is finally over. I thought that he had enough from me and can no longer endure my introverted issues and sexuality and so I feel down at that moment and decided to cancel my plans with Kazuya that night.

I didn't stop calling him for almost two hours until he finally answered it before I almost start to cry.

"I'm glad you finally answered. About what happened in my clinic, I'm very sorry about it. I didn't mean to hide from you, I just don't have the right timing to say it. I'm sorry if it makes you feel awkward listening the flirting of two guys in a room. Sorry." I tried my best to explain everything.

"No it's ok, I'm just in a hurry a while ago, you don't have to worry about it, I already accepted who you are."

After that, I feel so relieved and happy to know that he is still my friend and all the negative thoughts I have imagined was all just in my head. We made a little conversation to ease the awkwardness between us and then finally ended the call.

It is still an early evening and I still have time to resume our plans but something doesn't feels right and I'm no longer in the mood to have a date, and so I decided to just stay inside to rest.

I opened my journal and wrote an important probability I have seen today.

Having a loyal best friend 99%

It might not be a perfect 100% but I am satisfied to know that I can still keep him even though I have lot of issues going through.

After writing it out, I scan through the other pages and then I saw it again, that strange probability I have written when I was drunk.

Suzuki Kazuya having a new family 89%

I should just laugh it off when I see it but something struck on my mind and it only makes my heart ache.

Does it mean that he will bulid his own new family? Then, will he get married to a girl he likes and have children of their own? Will he finally have the family he have always wished for?

It was a good news. A happy news that will make him scream and cry with tears of joy but why am I feeling like this? Why do I feel like it will be unfair for me even though I knew it from the start.

The truth is, I never really planned of having a relationship with him. I just wanted to help him and give him support and care as a friend and someone older than him. I never thought of having any relationship anymore after my first break up and so I never thought of the probability that he will confess his love to me.

I actually wanted to reject him and tell him how I don't believe in love anymore and that we are not for each other but when I looked at his eyes, all my reasons fade out because of the burning passion in his eyes. The passion of the love of a youth.

The sincerity of his actions and words that I wanted to reject and shut off came flooding uncontrollable within me.

He told me that he is willing to wait but I got a silly idea. When I pulled him in the Mirror maze, I made a bet with the probabilities. It was a 50-50 chance that he will beat the time record which was actually my record during the time after my first break up and Hisashi drag me here to forget and have fun. I used my abilities to the fullest that time whenever I make a turn in the maze and so I have set an unbeatable record in the maze.

As soon as I left Kazuya at the entrance of the maze, I asked for a staff to guide me out and then waited patiently at the exit while keeping an eye on the clock.

6...5...4...3... Bang!

He shot out of the door and stumbled down the ground with a face that looks like he will cry at any moment and so I teased him a little. He has beaten my record without relying to any ability like a cheat code and it makes me feel amazed and happy and didn't feel any dissatisfaction about how I lost an important record or about losing the bet, maybe because deep inside, I really wished that he wins.

After being officially together, Kazuya never fails to visit me every afternoon at my clinic and have our dates during weekends. It was perfect. But for me, it was too perfect to be true. I always have my doubts, my guilt, and my self-restraint that keeps me from falling too deeply for him.

Just remembering all the happy memories we have while looking at this single line written on my journal makes me fall apart.

That night, instead of being happy and celebrate together, I just cried myself to sleep.