Comfortable

"... do I have to get comfortable around people?" Lumi mumbled under her breath. "It doesn't seem so good."

Lumi's words came as I rose and was about to leave, so it surprised me.

I dropped all my intentions of picking up some food myself and focused on convincing her instead.

Lumi herself wanted to be convinced. Her fingers twiddled with each other like a sheep lost from its herd, darting back and forth. 

I recognized she peeked and prodded around my past, much to my avail. It was not a representation who left a good impression about people and the greater world.

There was downturn, hate, desperation, despondent solitude. Not a perspective a child of her age and circumstances should be observing or even know of. 

I kneeled, preparing myself to do what a father should do. To introduce the world to their little one. To teach them to learn from their own experiences. To reflect reality. 

"That was the past, dumpling. Dad was a bitter man. He didn't like or trust people either, but it was all a matter of perspective. A bad apple does not spoil the barrel, because bad apples are born of bad situations. We can't equate bad situations and bad experiences to everyone. Do you understand?" 

I held my breath, awaiting a response from Lumi. But she gazed at me without blinking, a faint but placid frown planted on her face. I exhaled when she gave a rough shake of her head. 

"Evil is not fixed, dumpling. People can change. Evil is a parasite of good. That is why for every bad or evil situation, there are good ones. You will meet good people. The world has not given up on you. You only have to put yourself out there so that they can find you."

There was a flicker in her eyes that disappeared and made me chuckle. "I can tell you're not convinced." 

Lumi bowed her head, as if ashamed.

"That's okay, dumpling. Look through my memories. Look at what happened earlier today. You know Mr. Rockern, right? Dad used to think he was nosy and selfish and only interfered with myself to feel better." 

I pointed to the side of my head. "But Dad realized it was none of that. He called because he saw himself in me. He wanted to help. He came here in-person not only because of legal matters, but because he cared about me. And you." 

Lumi craned her neck towards to door, as if reminiscing their meeting together. Her lips were tense, but I could hear the gratefulness in her voice. 

"Grandpa was nice," she muttered. 

"Grandpa, eh? He'd like that," I agreed. I rose and patted her shoulders. "So, what will it be, dumpling? Would you like to come with me?" 

Lumi raised herself a few centimeters off the sofa. But after a moment of hesitation, she sat down again with her head bowed. 

"The officers were scary, Dad," she whispered. "I-I don't like that." 

There was a layer of film shimmered before her eyes which tried to hide her hope. I felt the earnestness in her heart, but at her words, a bullet struck my heart. My knees went weak at once, and I kneeled in front of her again.

I did the best I could to hide the tremors of my arm as I reached to stroke her cheeks. 

"That was an anomaly, dumpling. Out of the norm. A little girl like you should never have to confront the police. I would be afraid too. But the pressure you feel during interrogation is heavy. It's different than the pressure you feel when you are too anxious to talk to somebody." 

I was not expecting Lumi to crawl into my arms when I finished. I had never felt her so heavy before.

She pressed her forehead on my chest like a desperate kitten begging for attention. Her hands clawed at the front of my shirt. The sharpness of the tug choked me. 

W-will you leave me if I don't go with you? 

I pressed her so close to my chest so that she could hear my heartbeats. 

"It's my fault, dumpling," I muttered into her ears. "Dad was inconsiderate and insensitive. He was in too much of a rush. You knew, dumpling, but yes, I should say it to you upfront. So, listen to my heart and hear the honesty, the love, the hope, the vows. I will never leave you, such that you will be alone in this world again. Okay?" 

Lumi pushed away from me. Her body was shaking, shoulders trembling as if a threatening earthquake had it. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and her nose turned red, snuffling and wrinkled. But she raised her head, her brows narrowed, her chest straight. 

"I-I will do it, Dad," she said. 

You don't have to force yourself for my sake, dumpling.

Her eyes curled into a smile. "You believe in me so much, so I will too." 

"Okay. Okay, tell me if you wrong, alright? If you are hyperventilating, begin to have a racing heart or thoughts of terror, don't hide try to hide it from me, okay?"

"You believed in me so much but now you're such a worry-wort!" Lumi said with an energetic huff. She jumped off the sofa and stood proud with a hand over her chest. "I'm stronger than you think!" 

"Yes, yes. I was going to take you a barbeque food stall, but it's crowded at this hour. How about the grocery store, instead? Dad makes a great homemade sandwich." 

*** 

Lumi strutted out the door behind me when we exited the apartment. Yet the moment we stepped afoot on the streets, she stiffened like a mouse meeting a cat.

She stared at the cars on the roads with rapt attention. When a road-raged driver slammed the horn to the driver in front who did not run the yellow light, she jumped.

Her eyes darted cross and forth all the buildings. Her ears twitched at every movement. The chatter of pedestrians. The chirping of birds. The heavy exhaust of the cars. 

We were walking side by side, hand in hand when all the sudden she was trailing behind me. I paused, stepping backwards, and picked her up in my arms. 

"It's different, right? This is the world beyond that little room that cooped you in." 

"I-its... loud. And busy," Lumi mumbled in a daze. 

A pedestrian family then passed by, pushing a stroller with a baby that began crying. She flinched. I had to dig her out of her hiding place in my arms as we stopped at the intersection. 

You won't have to worry about being at the center of attention, dumpling. Everyone has places to go, places to be. Until you're a superstar, no one will bat a second eye. Don't be afraid about them hurting you.

We crossed the intersection and turned a few corners before Lumi whispered again. 

"B-but are they... good people?" 

I looked down in my arms, finding her head still bowed, her eyes still hesitant. 

"That's a bit hard to say, dumpling. You can't have expectations that good things will come to you in abundance. You'll only face disappointment. It happens naturally." 

My words did not get through with her. I could only lift a wry smile seeing her trepidation.

But we stood in front of the grocery store now, and through the glass windows I could see an acquaintance. I glanced at the despondent Lumi who was peeking at the building and then back at them. 

I inhaled a mouthful of air and exhaled. When she gave me her attention that I was expecting, I bent down and set her on the ground. A hand rested behind her back; I encouraged her inside. 

"You can't be too overt about it. Opportunities don't come to you; you go and create them. Follow me, dumpling."