chapter sixteen.

Esme viliotiné Narrating:

I had had quite a night, the idea of having the after party over to my Yacht was great, we could see the fireworks up close. It's corny, I know, but I loved fireworks, and always took a chance to use them.

My head was spinning, heavy, I woke up and found myself in a cabin of a boat, well, not my boat. A strange feeling that I needed to escape from that place invaded me. An arm was around my neck, I turned around when I could see it.

Ian was lying beside me, and I quickly lifted the sheet to see if this had really happened.

I pretended that it hadn't happened, rolled myself up in the sheet trying to get my skirt and blouse but couldn't find anything, but dizzy I settled for his blouse on the floor, the boat was rocking.

I held on to the door, when I took a step I tripped over my feet, I fell. Ian stood up with the sound of my back slamming against the floor of the boat.

- Esme? What are you doing here?

His dark eyes were even smaller in the morning, and somehow my stupid heart thought it was funny, and I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

- As if you didn't know. - I said irritated. - Come on, help me up.

He came in just his underwear, and I mentally cursed him for being so hot, that smell of the sea and the cold wind made me feel weak, I needed to stay away from him.

He stood back to me for a moment, and I could smile to myself at the imaginary line forming on his back, the little dots on his left heel. The heart-shaped sign behind his forearm, he turned away.

Last night was coming back to me in flashbacks, I recognized that I wasn't drunk enough for that to take advantage of me.

After two bottles of wine on the edge of the Pier to the magical atmosphere that night, we ended up here.

Who was I kidding? I wanted to fool him. But, I was surprised it happened when he hadn't even been invited, and after all I had told him that morning, he looked at me strangely helping me up emanating a smell of wine and blueberries.

The feeling that I needed to get off the yacht was still there, I sat up in bed, he looked at me from a corner standing in front of me leaning on the armchair. Ian had only been living there a short time, with hardly any furniture.

He was one of those people who could live on boats, yachts, in this case a superyacht with a "garage" to store a smaller boat, which he used for sailing. Just thinking about sailing makes me nauseous.

- Do you want to talk first? Would you rather just admit that you love me?

He replied in a funny voice, as if he regretted what he had said but said it anyway.

- Everything is a joke to you, isn't it? You should furnish this place, it's a mess.

I knelt down looking under the bed for my boots, and he picked them up and tossed them to me.

- I'm just saying that you don't have to tell me that you hate me, last night.

- Last night was a mistake, just like every time I talk to you. - I interrupted, stooping to put on my blue boots.

- Wow, here you come with that armor of yours.

I nodded, looking up at him, and grabbed my Harlequin costume from the night before. But something was stuck in my throat.

- You know, you stand there with your good guy attitude, as if the fact that it didn't work out between us was entirely my fault. - When it clearly isn't.

- I get it Esme, you hate me. - Ian rolled his eyes, running his hands through his unshaven beard.

- You know Ian. Worse than not! I wish, I really, really wanted to hate you. But, I can't.

I clutched the clothes in my hands to vent my anger at him for saying this, but when it came to that stuck-up Chinese guy, I had no control over what I was going to say. What I felt just came out, once and for all.

His pupil glowed, the boat rocked a little harder, he stared at me closely from the doorway blocking the door from the bedroom to the living room to the deck.

- Oh yeah, why? - he said curiously, his eyes on mine.

- Leave me alone! - I exclaimed, almost stuttering.

- Just tell me why you're different.

The boat rocked, I kicked the ground in a rage, he massaged the back of my neck, I broke the torturous silence filled only by the sound of the waves exploding on the sea:

- Why is it different with you. - I sniffed, gasping for air. - I realized this when that night we fought and you slammed the door without looking at me, I felt like telling you that I loved you. I don't know if it was fear that you would tell what I did, or fear that I would feel guilty if you didn't come back like you had the other times. And I hate that, I hate that I care when you don't even care.

- I shouldn't have bet on you. I know that that night, being the result of a bet, hurt you.

- It was my first time!

I pushed him lightly to get out, I didn't want to listen to him anymore. I needed to get a jet ski out of the middle of the sea to get to the dories. I rubbed my eyes, without looking at him, something told me that I needed to get out of there, I didn't know why.

It had nothing to do with Ian, it was more like my sixth sense, I put my hand to my chest and blinked, paying attention to him who shifted from one foot to the other.

- I was an idiot. - His dark eyes were wet, he was no longer in front of me now, but I glared at him, he moved closer and I turned away. - I can't go back in time, never could, because God knows I would never let you take her from me. And you know what, that's enough! If you don't want me in your life, then don't just say so.

- I get it, you loved her and I took her away from you. I was just a bet, wasn't I?

When I realized my eyes were swimming in tears and my heart had pain, anger and resentment, remorse, I held it all there. I wiped the cold tears away with my wrist.

I watched him walk away with his hand on his head, he threw his hands in the air, and somehow it felt like his body was saying "I give up.

- Not realizing that we need to move on. We have to have the attitude to separate. Tell me I'm not what you want. Say that it was a mistake to talk to me that night in October. Say anything to make me give up on you, because I can't take it anymore.

You're right! Take me to the coast and I promise you'll never see me again.

He crossed his arms over his chest, and I looked at him from head to toe, thinking.

- Oh, please!

- Look at that! You can speak that word. - He turned and walked out onto the deck.

I went to the refrigerator, got a piece of pie from the tree and ate it over the marble kitchen island.

We always relive the following situation: the night we had an amazing evening, but the next morning he looked on my cell phone and found out about what I had done with Tracy years ago.

Ian and I were friends, until we turned sixteen something changed, he became more friends with Sebastian, Penelope and Samantha and ended up meeting Tracy, the daughter of one of Sebastian's maids.

Suddenly I had lost my friend, Ian had new friends and now a girlfriend who was taking up all his time, I had been passed over without warning.

Well, during our trip to Disney, I was able to discover that Tracy was not a legal immigrant, and let's just say that I sent her back to the place she should never have left, with only one call to the police.

He never heard from her again, and somehow things got back on track.

At eighteen I tried to find him, to this day I wonder why. I guess things were apparently heading towards him being my boyfriend, or at least it seemed so.

Until I found out that all that conquest was just a bet that he would be able to sleep with me before the premiere of the last movie of the saga. All because at the time I had a reputation among boys as impossible.

It wasn't something I wanted, all that came to mind were my father's words, ''No one ever stays.'' I was an intense teenager, I must confess.

I felt so cheated, used. I always think that's how Blair Waldorf must have felt when she found out that she was traded to the hotel.

I sat on comfortable colored cushions on the floor, thinking about life, I had no idea where my cell phone was. I looked around in disbelief that he lived here alone, with no one even to help me.

Kim, his sister, obviously hadn't stopped by, I thought because she had an amazing sense of decoration.

I sighed, feeling the cold wind. I shrugged on the thick fur coat I found among the things, it was so strange not knowing more facts about his life, like how long he had been living there, or whose lady coat was among the things.

But, of one thing I knew that even if we broke up without even starting.... And no matter how much my pose and my stuck-up nose disguises it, it hurts to think that it could have been different, that it could have been us so long ago... Until today.

I've always been afraid to risk these things of showing feelings. I never felt so connected to someone as I did to him. And that night, between looks, between laughs, between that immense silence between us, I belonged to him, free of any ties, free of any judgment, free of any mistake...

I wish I had the courage to say this

I put my hand on my chest, I wanted to undo what I did to Tracy so I would never feel this kind of thing

I only felt it when I least expected it, even when I tried to pretend I don't want to. And, perhaps, the greatest demonstration of love is this: to love when you don't want to and to say it when there is no more way out, let alone a choice.

However, I was a gamble, for him it was only a small bond, for me it was much bigger. As fast as the yacht went out to sea, we reached the shore among the other yachts, pipes and ships.

I tried to call Audrey, but my cell phone already had a thousand missed calls from her.

I felt a chill down my spine, my disheveled hair covered my vision, at that time of the championship I shouldn't go out like this without security guards, I looked around, there was always a paparazzi lurking here and there, many times they pretended to be with family, when you least expect it there is your picture somewhere.

- You shouldn't have invited me to your party. - He puffed out his chest, and held out his hand. - I guess this is goodbye?

I frowned. - I didn't invite you to my party. You crashed it!

- Of course not, no need to lie. - My hair blew in the wind, I could hear the wind getting stronger.

- Ian, I'm serious. - I rolled my eyes. - I didn't put you on the list, and I told my organizer that you were blacklisted.

- So it was a mistake. - He ran his hand through his hair.

- Anyway! I have to go... Good-bye, I guess. - My head still hurt but much less, I didn't get hung over much, which was a gift.

As I walked away my heart burned and hurt, like a bad thing, a sixth sense, like when I woke up and something told me to get out of there. Then, as the wind cut my face, I looked at Ian's yacht.

And everything turned into a big orange blob of fire, the yacht had exploded, my heart had burst out of my chest at the whole with the thunderous noise, some families near the docks, moved away, I heard the crying of two babies near me.

My mind told me to run and call for help, but, my heart said to go there. I was paralyzed, I felt the sweat dripping down my body despite the November chill for seconds until I dropped everything I was holding and ran my legs were running fast down the new wooden pier.

I shouted his name, there was so much smoke that I coughed, my eyes immediately burned, until I focused on the water I could see his body sinking into the water, without thinking twice I jumped into the sea.

I felt surrounded by water up to my neck without even going in. I drowned last time, that's why I was afraid to go in, I rubbed my hands together, having a little patience, I feel that for you it's worth diving in.

I took a breath pulling in air, and dove in, the water was freezing, I felt like my body was going to stop, it would get dark the more I sank, I couldn't find him among part of the Yacht that had fallen into the sea. I lost it, I let out air on the salt water.

Until I saw him at the bottom, my lungs feeling the pressure of the water but still squeezing my eyes shut, it seemed I couldn't reach him, I waved my arms in desperation sinking deeper until I reached him, water was coming in hard through my nose.

I grabbed his right arm, and the other tied around his waist, he was big and heavy. And the water seemed to want to sink us deeper, I put more force into him so that he wouldn't escape.

Everything I feel, I keep to myself. It is my specialty to suffer in silence and apparent calm when everything is in chaos, but I was tempestuously nervous at that moment, he couldn't die, I wouldn't let him go, not again, not like this.

We made it up, several people on the pier were looking at us, a man helped us up,

At each sunrise I try to appear to everyone around me like an invincible fortress, but I would collapse there if he didn't wake up with my hands pressing hard against his cold chest.

I leaned forward to put my head on his chest, nothing, no beating, ignored the cutting cold, the trembling mouth, I despaired by putting more force on his abdomen.

I did mouth-to-mouth breathing, finally he spat out water, turning his trembling face sideways, coughing. I breathed a relieved breath, brought my forehead to his.

His breath missed mine. He realized what was happening. I shouted, stressed, asking people to stop taking pictures, and for someone to call for help.

...♡...