Chapter Thirty-two

Gideon pov

I watched her, watched as she walked farther away from me and most likely out of my life for good too. But I didn't do anything to stop her. Even as my whole body and heart reached out for her, even as Marcus ran to my side and shouted at me to follow her, to not to let her get away. But I did nothing, absolutely nothing. Because I knew that i had fucked up on so many levels this time around. I have hurt her so badly that even my condemned heart knew that i wasn't worthy of forgiveness -her forgiveness -this time around.

And it wasn't a surprise to me that it did that because deep down I already knew that someone like me didn't deserve someone as good and beautiful as her. At least, i wasn't a coward to the point of denying that factual fact. So as lifeless as a statue, I watched as she walk further and further away from me until she was completely out of sight, much to Marcus's dismay.

" I don't get it Gideon. Why the fuck are you not going after her? " frustration and confusion fillwd mwrvusv oice and I couldn't blame him. Of course, he was able to witness just how important Madison was to me, how i held her in high regard. So it wasn't a surprise if he was confused right now on why i refused to stop or go after Madison Wells. But the truth is that.. "she doesn't need someone like me by her side Marcus. I'll only end up hurting and hindering her. So it's better for her to leave than stay with someone who doesn't deserve her or weigh her down.

"Cut through the bullshit right now Gideon..." Marcus was getting agitated now, "I'm not a fool for fuck's sake, and i know that that stupid explanation is actually nothing but bullshit. Weighing her down doesn't have anything to do with the fact that she is really hurt now and yet you choose to do nothing but stand and feed me with some emotional bullshit. Go after Madison and straight things out with her. I mean it can't possibly be that bad... " He trailed off, looking worriedly at me, probably after seeing the look of helplessness on my face.

"Is it -is it that bad? "He asked softly after staring at me for sometime. I sighed. He doesn't know the whole story, so he doesn't understand the severe gravity of what was happening and i sure as hell wasn't in any mood to sit him down and start explaining everything from the start to the now. I haven't got that time and i don't think i ever will. So i did the next best thing, avoid the question.

"Let's just drop it " I said, and quickly cut him off as he prepared to protest against what i told him. "I said to drop the fucking subject Marc. You of all people know how m i hate repeating myself. " I said harshly and coldly.

"Wow. I see the old Gideon is back. Congratulations on being back to your old bastard ways, i'm happy for you really. "His words were laced with and dripped with complete sarcasm that was enough to make me feel guilty and more worse than i was before, it made me feel very ashamed and angry at myself but i would sooner die than show him and let him know just how much effect his words and the happenings of this evening in general, had on me.

So, refusing to allow anyone see me in my vulnerable and pathetic state -even Marcus -i turned sharply and started my way down to where i had parked my car, and unfortunately, with Marcus hot on my heels. The bastard.

"Wait Gideon -where the hell do you think you are going? "

"My house. "were the only words i said to him, eager to get the fuck out of this dammed place

"wha -you can't do that Gideon -" He said, sounding very alarmed but i didn't give any fuck whatsoever about what to do or what not to do right now or even forever. And i turned, prepared to tell him just how little i gave a shit, when it happened.

The both of us gave each other knowing looks as the terrified and panicked screams of terror coming from the people inside, the familiar sound of bullets whirling out of guns, the familiar sound of the bullets hitting flesh and the strong smell of fear and terror filled and resonated in the air, instantly putting Marcus and I on high alert. But we weren't only on alert, we were filled with excitement, sick excitement and we weren't ashamed of it. We were all violent and bloodthirsty by nature, something you have to be if you wanted any chance of survival in this fucked up world of ours and many of us, starting from the youngest to oldest, male and female, have come to accept and be even proud of such nature. It wasn't the best or even good at all, but it was the only best option of survival we have. So you snooze, you get fucked. Badly.

Without wasting time further, Marcus and I pulled out our beautiful instruments of death and distress from where it was hidden on us in plain sight and together we moved stealthily, and as quiet as possible, moved towards where the excitement was happening. Kicking and moving over a few dead bodies on the way. Some of them were familiar faces, and most were not. And for the first time in my life, my heart faltered at the fact that i could later be like one of these men here, lying breathless and lifeless on the floor and it further tightened when the image of Madison's smiling and tearful face came to mind.

I may die before i have the chance to try to seek for her forgiveness, i may die with her hating me. And that thought alone crushed and pained me more than any bullet or knife wound could pain. But i suppose it was going to be for the best i guess. She wouldn't care too much if i died and she wouldn't forgive me if i lived. Whatever the outcome of tonight was going to be, the truth still stood that i hurt her very badly and that she was completely out of my life for good. All in all, it was still a loss for me whether i was alive or not -so why was i hoping deep down that i wanted to live? Why on earth was her face still stuck in my head and mind? But whatever it was going to be, tonight was going to be the determiner of it all and i could only selfishly hope that it turns out to be in my favor..... I hope.